Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are serious about this person, please spend some time reading real forums and books regarding marrying a partner with ADHD. It is hard. Very hard. My dh doesn't lie, quite the opposite, but every part of our life is dictated by his issues.

Agree. Same here. His disorder is the pervasive issue in our household, marriage, and everyone’s health, including the children.

There have also been terrible accidents due to inattentiveness, and lying about it. He flippantly lies to pretend he’s listening to a conversation and he creepily lies to coverup bad judgement and misses. Not sure when the kids will figure it out, they keep trusting hime and being let down. They also know he’s very easy to trick for more snacks or more tv because he never knows what’s going on.

Anonymous wrote:There is direct correlation between attention deficit and “deviating” or disregarding the truth.

The truth is similar to attention. It is difficult for some people to maintain it at certain points in time. You should not hold him to the same standards as everyone else.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't have a good relationship with a liar. It's not possible. It's a pretend, stand-in relationship because there is no trust, therefore no intimacy. No point in it. Don't waste your time, unless you want a "better than nothing" pretend relationship. Which is fine if that's what you want.

Trust goes both ways. With ADHD, the lying often stems from a lack of trust in the other person not to overreact or reject them over something. As people build trust in a relationship, the lying may disappear. One thing that is key to that is how the person reacts to discovering the lie.

So what's worse? Chronically messing up over and over or doing so & then lying about it over and over?

Or, is the "person (suffering from and) reacting from the mess up and lie" the issue?

This seems like an odd way to frame a relationship.

Going to the PPP, I think overreacting to an ADHD person's lying or mistakes can be futile. And I think lashing out to someone inquiring about a mistake is destructive as well.

Finally, saying nothing and having less communication is also destructive.
Taking responsibility for one's behavior and actions is always best. That includes answering or apologizing when someone asks What Happened?

It’s also true that people who lie a lot as adults generally formed that habit in childhood, so when they lie it’s likely not because the person they are currently lying to has an established habit of overreacting to their behavior. It’s because their parents or other caregivers used to punish them heavily for mistakes as a child and they now anticipate punishment for mistakes so lie to avoid it.

So someone with ADHD who lies compulsively may often be anticipating an overreaction from you but that doesn’t mean it’s based on experience of you overreacting. It’s much more likely to be based on childhood patterns.

It's also genetic though. I have two kids and only the adhd one lies. It's a coping mechanism

PP here and I wasn’t talking about whether ADHD is genetic, just explaining that people who habitually lie out of fear they will get in trouble are often anticipating a negative response to the truth even if you have no history of overreacting or criticizing them. Another PP said that someone with ADHD might lie if they expect you to overreact, but IME this expectation is often based on other experiences with other people.

Also, most children lie whether they have ADHD or not. At some point. And as a parent you can look at those lies and recognize that they may not come from a truly deceitful place, but a fearful one or even a confused one. But that’s different than a relationship with another adult. Your child with ADHD, for instance, will have to learn not to lie to partners as an adult because it’s so corrosive to relationships. Your partner (not your friends, roommates, colleagues, neighbors) cannot be expected to view you as a parent might. They don’t have to be forgiving if lies, even if you only told them due to ADHD. Even if it’s genetic. Compulsive Lying is not a behavior that most people can tolerate from another adult.

Anonymous wrote:My partner of 9 months has told three little white lies, that I am aware of. Could this have anything to do with having ADHD, in your experience?

I read that if they have been diagnosed, they often have low self-esteem from doing things wrong, and are more prone to lying to cover up mistakes.

Anonymous wrote:If you are serious about this person, please spend some time reading real forums and books regarding marrying a partner with ADHD. It is hard. Very hard. My dh doesn't lie, quite the opposite, but every part of our life is dictated by his issues.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't have a good relationship with a liar. It's not possible. It's a pretend, stand-in relationship because there is no trust, therefore no intimacy. No point in it. Don't waste your time, unless you want a "better than nothing" pretend relationship. Which is fine if that's what you want.

Trust goes both ways. With ADHD, the lying often stems from a lack of trust in the other person not to overreact or reject them over something. As people build trust in a relationship, the lying may disappear. One thing that is key to that is how the person reacts to discovering the lie.

So what's worse? Chronically messing up over and over or doing so & then lying about it over and over?

Or, is the "person (suffering from and) reacting from the mess up and lie" the issue?

This seems like an odd way to frame a relationship.

Going to the PPP, I think overreacting to an ADHD person's lying or mistakes can be futile. And I think lashing out to someone inquiring about a mistake is destructive as well.

Finally, saying nothing and having less communication is also destructive.
Taking responsibility for one's behavior and actions is always best. That includes answering or apologizing when someone asks What Happened?

It’s also true that people who lie a lot as adults generally formed that habit in childhood, so when they lie it’s likely not because the person they are currently lying to has an established habit of overreacting to their behavior. It’s because their parents or other caregivers used to punish them heavily for mistakes as a child and they now anticipate punishment for mistakes so lie to avoid it.

So someone with ADHD who lies compulsively may often be anticipating an overreaction from you but that doesn’t mean it’s based on experience of you overreacting. It’s much more likely to be based on childhood patterns.

OP: In my case, this is true. My partner told a lie very early on in dating me, and I had no history of overreacting to anything. We barely knew each other. I think he just assumed I wouldn't date him if I knew the truth, so he lied about it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't have a good relationship with a liar. It's not possible. It's a pretend, stand-in relationship because there is no trust, therefore no intimacy. No point in it. Don't waste your time, unless you want a "better than nothing" pretend relationship. Which is fine if that's what you want.

Trust goes both ways. With ADHD, the lying often stems from a lack of trust in the other person not to overreact or reject them over something. As people build trust in a relationship, the lying may disappear. One thing that is key to that is how the person reacts to discovering the lie.

So what's worse? Chronically messing up over and over or doing so & then lying about it over and over?

Or, is the "person (suffering from and) reacting from the mess up and lie" the issue?

This seems like an odd way to frame a relationship.

Going to the PPP, I think overreacting to an ADHD person's lying or mistakes can be futile. And I think lashing out to someone inquiring about a mistake is destructive as well.

Finally, saying nothing and having less communication is also destructive.
Taking responsibility for one's behavior and actions is always best. That includes answering or apologizing when someone asks What Happened?

It’s also true that people who lie a lot as adults generally formed that habit in childhood, so when they lie it’s likely not because the person they are currently lying to has an established habit of overreacting to their behavior. It’s because their parents or other caregivers used to punish them heavily for mistakes as a child and they now anticipate punishment for mistakes so lie to avoid it.

So someone with ADHD who lies compulsively may often be anticipating an overreaction from you but that doesn’t mean it’s based on experience of you overreacting. It’s much more likely to be based on childhood patterns.

Anonymous wrote:If you are serious about this person, please spend some time reading real forums and books regarding marrying a partner with ADHD. It is hard. Very hard. My dh doesn't lie, quite the opposite, but every part of our life is dictated by his issues.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't have a good relationship with a liar. It's not possible. It's a pretend, stand-in relationship because there is no trust, therefore no intimacy. No point in it. Don't waste your time, unless you want a "better than nothing" pretend relationship. Which is fine if that's what you want.

Trust goes both ways. With ADHD, the lying often stems from a lack of trust in the other person not to overreact or reject them over something. As people build trust in a relationship, the lying may disappear. One thing that is key to that is how the person reacts to discovering the lie.

So what's worse? Chronically messing up over and over or doing so & then lying about it over and over?

Or, is the "person (suffering from and) reacting from the mess up and lie" the issue?

This seems like an odd way to frame a relationship.

Going to the PPP, I think overreacting to an ADHD person's lying or mistakes can be futile. And I think lashing out to someone inquiring about a mistake is destructive as well.

Finally, saying nothing and having less communication is also destructive.
Taking responsibility for one's behavior and actions is always best. That includes answering or apologizing when someone asks What Happened?

It’s also true that people who lie a lot as adults generally formed that habit in childhood, so when they lie it’s likely not because the person they are currently lying to has an established habit of overreacting to their behavior. It’s because their parents or other caregivers used to punish them heavily for mistakes as a child and they now anticipate punishment for mistakes so lie to avoid it.

So someone with ADHD who lies compulsively may often be anticipating an overreaction from you but that doesn’t mean it’s based on experience of you overreacting. It’s much more likely to be based on childhood patterns.

It's also genetic though. I have two kids and only the adhd one lies. It's a coping mechanism

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't have a good relationship with a liar. It's not possible. It's a pretend, stand-in relationship because there is no trust, therefore no intimacy. No point in it. Don't waste your time, unless you want a "better than nothing" pretend relationship. Which is fine if that's what you want.

Trust goes both ways. With ADHD, the lying often stems from a lack of trust in the other person not to overreact or reject them over something. As people build trust in a relationship, the lying may disappear. One thing that is key to that is how the person reacts to discovering the lie.

So what's worse? Chronically messing up over and over or doing so & then lying about it over and over?

Or, is the "person (suffering from and) reacting from the mess up and lie" the issue?

This seems like an odd way to frame a relationship.

Going to the PPP, I think overreacting to an ADHD person's lying or mistakes can be futile. And I think lashing out to someone inquiring about a mistake is destructive as well.

Finally, saying nothing and having less communication is also destructive.
Taking responsibility for one's behavior and actions is always best. That includes answering or apologizing when someone asks What Happened?

It’s also true that people who lie a lot as adults generally formed that habit in childhood, so when they lie it’s likely not because the person they are currently lying to has an established habit of overreacting to their behavior. It’s because their parents or other caregivers used to punish them heavily for mistakes as a child and they now anticipate punishment for mistakes so lie to avoid it.

So someone with ADHD who lies compulsively may often be anticipating an overreaction from you but that doesn’t mean it’s based on experience of you overreacting. It’s much more likely to be based on childhood patterns.