OP here. Even today she was sending me trauma tiktoks of 20 year olds crying into the camera about their trauma. All white American young women of course. A month ago, AC and her roommate had a disagreement apparently about dishes and kitchen stuff. AC messaged me that she is now receiving trauma from her roommate. I said "what do you mean receiving trauma". AC then explained that roommate was meant to empty DW and didn't and they were arguing about chores and who's turn. But this is very strong language throwing the word trauma around. Sorry but trauma is a very serious word for very serious situations.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect that there's a whole lot more to this story, OP.

If you want to maintain a relationship with you daughter, it's up to you to go to therapy and figure out what you did wrong raising this kid. Kids don't just alienate themselves from their parents like this, without a whole lot of other stuff going on. Your husband sounds kind of like a dry drunk, TBH. You sound like an enabler.

If you don't want to maintain a relationship with your daughter, continue to minimize your husband's behavior and your behavior, and blame your daughter.

NP. In what way? Cite some examples.

+1. Nothing OP described is at all concerning. Of course if there is info OP is leaving out it may be a different story but, at face value, nothing she stated is indicative of alcoholism. At all.

I think the daughter is pathologizing normal behaviors and is looking to cast herself as a victim.

There’s a celebration of victimhood in our culture today, especially for our young people. There’s little talk about character or rising above one’s circumstances.

Anonymous wrote:I suspect that there's a whole lot more to this story, OP.

If you want to maintain a relationship with you daughter, it's up to you to go to therapy and figure out what you did wrong raising this kid. Kids don't just alienate themselves from their parents like this, without a whole lot of other stuff going on. Your husband sounds kind of like a dry drunk, TBH. You sound like an enabler.

If you don't want to maintain a relationship with your daughter, continue to minimize your husband's behavior and your behavior, and blame your daughter.

NP. In what way? Cite some examples.

I suspect that there's a whole lot more to this story, OP.

If you want to maintain a relationship with you daughter, it's up to you to go to therapy and figure out what you did wrong raising this kid. Kids don't just alienate themselves from their parents like this, without a whole lot of other stuff going on. Your husband sounds kind of like a dry drunk, TBH. You sound like an enabler.

If you don't want to maintain a relationship with your daughter, continue to minimize your husband's behavior and your behavior, and blame your daughter.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus. A 25 year old claiming victimhood over her dad drinking 1-2 beers after work? I would expect that from a dramatic tween, not an adult.

I think a lot of people in their young 20s now have the emotional maturity of teens.

Welp, whose fault is that? Hmm, maybe the people that raised them?

Right, so we can lay your apparent immaturity at the feet of your parents, eh?

Honestly it sounds like she is very unhappy and depressed and is looking for skapegoats to blame for her unhappiness. I think the best thing to do is to distance yourself and let her figure this out on her own. When children grow up they often turn their fears and insecurities into anger towards their parents. I’m sure the therapist is feeding this narrative too. Some are just terrible about asking bait questions and basically having their patients come to the co clusuon that they come from broken homes. I was in intensive therapy and the therapist tried to blame my mom but I shut it down. Even if she was wrong in certian situations, I knew I couldn’t heal by blaming the people closest to me. My mom was basically a good mom. Good luck to you. Give her the space she needs and hopefully she will figure out the real source of her anxiety and depression.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus. A 25 year old claiming victimhood over her dad drinking 1-2 beers after work? I would expect that from a dramatic tween, not an adult.

I think a lot of people in their young 20s now have the emotional maturity of teens.

I agree. While I’m glad there is more focus on mental health and seeking therapy I know too many young people that are obsessed with diagnosing themselves and/or others and are not, in my opinion, taking accountability for their own happiness. It really is rampant right now and detrimental to the young adults buying into it.

I think you have two options:

Give her space, decline your engage if it feels unhealthy or is going in circles, respect her autonomy and right to her own interpretation of her childhood, invite her to things, try to stay connected however you can, and hope this is phase she comes out of eventually. While based on what you’re saying this is an extreme case, it’s not uncommon for someone in her early to mid 20s to see their childhood in a negative light and blame their parents for things.

Or:

Offer to do a couple of family therapy sessions with her current therapist. Maybe it would be helpful to move these discussions under a knowledgeable eye. This is particularly valuable if a) she’s exaggerating a lot of her childhood to her therapist, to clue her therapist in to the fact that she might not be a reliable narrator or b) if YOU are looking at her childhood with rose colored glasses and not seeing/understanding that a lot of her concerns are real.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she’s very unhappy for whatever reason and blaming you, her parents. If your description of your Dh’s drinking is true, she has no clue what alcoholism really is or what children of alcoholics actually have to deal with. At some point, she’ll get called out on it and will look like a fool.

You can’t control what she says or what her “memories” are, or how she reacts to them. It’s hurtful, but maybe you need to distance yourself. Don’t even get roped into the crazy conversations. Hopefully she can find whatever she thinks she’s missing in life—but she has to do that on her own.

OP here. I think I'll set some boundaries too per some of these suggestions. I've been roped into too many dump sessions with her. As far as DH he has never told her she had it good compared to him. He doesn't want to engage in a contest if who had it worse. I do see she has low self esteemi think but in some ways she's very arrogant. She'll tell people about say her friends or colleagues and emphasize how everyone loves her. I personally think that's weird. That is why I suspected narcissism BC she always has to have validation and likes administration

OP here. Typo. Admiration. If someone says something complimentary about me I try to accept compliment gracefully but always feel a little awkward or I move on quick. But Ive seen my daughter receive compliments (as she should sometimes,,), and I see her almost puff up and I can see she basks in it. I do like receiving compliments too but more enjoy the glow of the compliment behind closed doors sp
So to speak. I don't like receiving a lot of attention in front of others.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has every right to her perspective, her memories, and her analysis of her dad’s drinking, even if you don’t agree with it. My mom “conveniently” forgets many things my dad did over the years related to drinking—including drinking and driving, hiding alcohol, and being so drunk he was hungover the next morning. *Even my dad admits to this.*

So you disagree. That’s fine. But she has a right to her feelings and her perspective. If you want to invite her to family events or reach out to her, do so. If you’d rather not engage with her, then don’t.

But drop the desire to control her memories, beliefs and perspective—that’s not your job, that’s not your say-so, and you need to let go of wanting to control her in that way.

Uh, have you read what the DD says occurred? It's not drinking and driving, hiding alcohol or being drunk and hungover the next morning. Sorry, but the mild things OP's DD is complaining about are not worth thinking about.

Maybe she is comparing her relatively good childhood to your DH's childhood and feeling like an entitled, spoiled brat in comparison so she has to come up with some drama and struggle where there was none, to compete with him. Has he ever said, "You've got it easy compared to my childhood"?

To you—they’re not thinking about TO YOU, an adult. But as a child, knowing your parent is out of it or acting weird or slurring or what have you makes you feel unsafe. It makes you feel like they’re not taking care of you. You can say what you like as an adult judging another adult’s drinking choices, but the fact is, that type of thing can make a CHILD feel unsafe, confused, and like they can’t rely on their parent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus. A 25 year old claiming victimhood over her dad drinking 1-2 beers after work? I would expect that from a dramatic tween, not an adult.

I think a lot of people in their young 20s now have the emotional maturity of teens.

Welp, whose fault is that? Hmm, maybe the people that raised them?

Most posters on DCUM are lacking maturity. It can't be all those parents, unless it's daycare that's ruined an entire generation. Which is possible actually, since no one is giving them any in-depth understanding of life around them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus. A 25 year old claiming victimhood over her dad drinking 1-2 beers after work? I would expect that from a dramatic tween, not an adult.

I think a lot of people in their young 20s now have the emotional maturity of teens.

Welp, whose fault is that? Hmm, maybe the people that raised them?

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she’s very unhappy for whatever reason and blaming you, her parents. If your description of your Dh’s drinking is true, she has no clue what alcoholism really is or what children of alcoholics actually have to deal with. At some point, she’ll get called out on it and will look like a fool.

You can’t control what she says or what her “memories” are, or how she reacts to them. It’s hurtful, but maybe you need to distance yourself. Don’t even get roped into the crazy conversations. Hopefully she can find whatever she thinks she’s missing in life—but she has to do that on her own.

OP here. I think I'll set some boundaries too per some of these suggestions. I've been roped into too many dump sessions with her. As far as DH he has never told her she had it good compared to him. He doesn't want to engage in a contest if who had it worse. I do see she has low self esteemi think but in some ways she's very arrogant. She'll tell people about say her friends or colleagues and emphasize how everyone loves her. I personally think that's weird. That is why I suspected narcissism BC she always has to have validation and likes administration

Anonymous wrote:Jesus. A 25 year old claiming victimhood over her dad drinking 1-2 beers after work? I would expect that from a dramatic tween, not an adult.

I think a lot of people in their young 20s now have the emotional maturity of teens.