Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are not going to get any compassion or support for this issue on this board. I have tried. You are going to get a bunch of people telling you--sometimes in very nasty terms--that you should raise you inr own kids and are a terrible person if you think that grandparents should, you know, take any sort of interest in your kids rather than talking incessantly about their social activities and pickleball games.

I have no advice. We have distanced ourselves from our families because they just do not care about us or our kids.

+2. All of this.

It's particularly hard to swallow in our case as our parents had SIGNIFICANT help in raising us: pick ups, babysitting, taking us for weeks at a time and for vacations etc.

I had a mastectomy a couple of years back and not one of them came to visit or help. Not even my own mother, who is a retired nurse.
Eff them.

Bull. Extended family help ended in the 1950's. Women are their own worst enemy. Your children are your responsibility and no one else's. Grandparents owe you absolutely nothing

Anonymous wrote:From the perspective of a grandparent, It doesn’t take much to reach out and care. Some observations that I have are generational differences. Grandparents do not feel comfortable picking up the phone and calling their adult children. It seems like the new norm is to text them and see if they are available. Please keep in mind that grandparents also have a life. We make ourselves available whenever our kids can talk or we can FaceTime with the grandkids. We always work around their schedule.
I recently visited one of my kids who has a new baby. I was told that I did not understand how difficult it was to have so many things cluttering up the house and how difficult it was to not get a good nights sleep. Do you understand the irony in this?
I visit my grandchildren and absolutely adore them. I absolutely adore seeing my children become parents. I am so proud of all of them. But it is not my role to take care of my grand children’s day-to-day needs. If asked, I would absolutely step in and help out in anyway I can but I will not interject myself into their routines unless asked. On my last visit one of my kids asked me how many diapers I had changed in the course of the weekend. They asked how many bottles I had rinsed and how many times I cleaned the dishes out of the sink. They asked me how many loads of laundry I folded. They have a very controlled routine because that is what works for them. I would never touch anyone else’s laundry and fold it. I do not know the process of bottle sterilization and how to wash the parts of the breast pump. I would absolutely change diapers but I never saw an opportunity to do that. To me these comments were very revealing as to where they were coming from and it was shocking.
Another observation as a grandparent is that everything is measured and controlled. The nanny and the parents share an app and everything is recorded on that app.
I know that some grandparents are very critical of their grandchildren’s parents but I would not be one of them. They live in an entirely different world and I find it fascinating.
I think the takeaway should be that if you want something ask for it. If my children asked me to watch the kids so they could do something I would absolutely do it. But I would never wanted to be counted on for child care.
You might want to look at the way you communicate with your parents if you’re having a problem. I never knew my adult children had an expectation of me doing house work in their home. I see myself as a loving caring grandmother who wants to soak up every minute I can with my grandchildren.
Keep in mind something. You have a lot of life in front of you and your parents have most of their lives behind them. When you reach that point in life you think differently.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A mentor? No, they aren't going to be that.

Don't travel to them anymore. You do what's best for your family, and if anyone has a problem with that, too bad. But you also need to lower your expectations.

Is that crazy? I feel like that’s a parents job- to help be there and offer support or emotionally be available for their children. Hey even have kids then?

It's your parents responsibility to bring you up to be independent and not to be dependent on them when you are grown. I will help out but free full time child care, no way. Your children are your responsibility not the grandparents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are not going to get any compassion or support for this issue on this board. I have tried. You are going to get a bunch of people telling you--sometimes in very nasty terms--that you should raise you inr own kids and are a terrible person if you think that grandparents should, you know, take any sort of interest in your kids rather than talking incessantly about their social activities and pickleball games.

I have no advice. We have distanced ourselves from our families because they just do not care about us or our kids.

+2. All of this.

It's particularly hard to swallow in our case as our parents had SIGNIFICANT help in raising us: pick ups, babysitting, taking us for weeks at a time and for vacations etc.

I had a mastectomy a couple of years back and not one of them came to visit or help. Not even my own mother, who is a retired nurse.
Eff them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A mentor? No, they aren't going to be that.

Don't travel to them anymore. You do what's best for your family, and if anyone has a problem with that, too bad. But you also need to lower your expectations.

Is that crazy? I feel like that’s a parents job- to help be there and offer support or emotionally be available for their children. Hey even have kids then?

Anonymous wrote:From the perspective of a grandparent, .... I never knew my adult children had an expectation of me doing house work in their home. I see myself as a loving caring grandmother who wants to soak up every minute I can with my grandchildren.
Keep in mind something. You have a lot of life in front of you and your parents have most of their lives behind them. When you reach that point in life you think differently.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are not going to get any compassion or support for this issue on this board. I have tried. You are going to get a bunch of people telling you--sometimes in very nasty terms--that you should raise your own kids and are a terrible person if you think that grandparents should, you know, take any sort of interest in your kids rather than talking incessantly about their social activities and pickleball games.

I have no advice. We have distanced ourselves from our families because they just do not care about us or our kids.

+2. All of this.

It's particularly hard to swallow in our case as our parents had SIGNIFICANT help in raising us: pick ups, babysitting, taking us for weeks at a time and for vacations etc.

I had a mastectomy a couple of years back and not one of them came to visit or help. Not even my own mother, who is a retired nurse.
Eff them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are not going to get any compassion or support for this issue on this board. I have tried. You are going to get a bunch of people telling you--sometimes in very nasty terms--that you should raise your own kids and are a terrible person if you think that grandparents should, you know, take any sort of interest in your kids rather than talking incessantly about their social activities and pickleball games.

I have no advice. We have distanced ourselves from our families because they just do not care about us or our kids.

+2. All of this.

It's particularly hard to swallow in our case as our parents had SIGNIFICANT help in raising us: pick ups, babysitting, taking us for weeks at a time and for vacations etc.

I had a mastectomy a couple of years back and not one of them came to visit or help. Not even my own mother, who is a retired nurse.
Eff them.

+3. Same (but other surgery, not mastectomy). I hope you're well, PP. It really hurts that my parents take so little interest in our lives and my kids' lives, but that's the way it is. No in-laws to pick up their slack either.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are not going to get any compassion or support for this issue on this board. I have tried. You are going to get a bunch of people telling you--sometimes in very nasty terms--that you should raise your own kids and are a terrible person if you think that grandparents should, you know, take any sort of interest in your kids rather than talking incessantly about their social activities and pickleball games.

I have no advice. We have distanced ourselves from our families because they just do not care about us or our kids.

+2. All of this.

It's particularly hard to swallow in our case as our parents had SIGNIFICANT help in raising us: pick ups, babysitting, taking us for weeks at a time and for vacations etc.

I had a mastectomy a couple of years back and not one of them came to visit or help. Not even my own mother, who is a retired nurse.
Eff them.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are not going to get any compassion or support for this issue on this board. I have tried. You are going to get a bunch of people telling you--sometimes in very nasty terms--that you should raise your own kids and are a terrible person if you think that grandparents should, you know, take any sort of interest in your kids rather than talking incessantly about their social activities and pickleball games.

I have no advice. We have distanced ourselves from our families because they just do not care about us or our kids.

Anonymous wrote:You just have to accept them for who they are OP and drop your expectations of who they should be. It’s sad, I get it. My family is like this. But again, you will get nothing good from comparing them to an idealized version of a parent/grandparent in your mind. Let it go. Run a little excitement and stop calling and visiting and see how long it takes them to proactively reach out or ask you about it. You’ll know then whether they appreciate or care about your efforts to maintain a connection and can calibrate your level of effort accordingly. There’s nothing wrong with prioritizing building a friend network to replace family, and dialing back your family visits to every other year. Just don’t make it a big thing or get on a soapbox about it— they’ll do them and you do you.