Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am visiting my beautiful hometown, one of the most desirable places to live according to many studies and reviews. Yet my friends are all unhappy. We’re in our mid 40s and many look back on decisions they made in their 20s and they’re so unhappy. They don’t like their husbands, they don’t like their careers. They’re overwhelmed with kids and other responsibilities. I don’t understand it because it’s objectively beautiful, close to everything, social network and pensions, they have extraordinarily stable jobs (ie, doctors that never get fired or lawyers who work for the government). What’s going on? I love these people and I am sad to see that they’re so unhappy. Disclosure: I thought I was unhappy, but my friends beat me in every category of sadness.

How many of these people are regularly on Facebook? I guarantee a lot of this is based on comparison via Facebook and thinking everyone else’s life is better and more glamorous and more cushy than theirs

Not really sure but people can show off IRL too. They get invited to their friends beautiful homes, see the nice cars etc.

Who actually cares about cars?

Anonymous wrote:My friends who have faith and a faith community seem happier than those who don’t. Could that be part of it?

Yes, specially the community.
I think the culture in the US is stress inducing.
I travel a lot and I see people in other countries socializing and enjoying themselves with less income.

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand. For many people, lots of their friends move away or drift away over time. This isolates us. For me, I never really had many friend growing up or as an adult. I never fit into a group has a kid and now the people I meet aren't like me either. I'm sure I'm not alone in the world in terms of how I am but it just sucks. I recently decided to stop going to a support group I attend because I'm just too different than the rest of the people there. I just want to lie down and not wake up.

I just happened to see your post and wanted to send you a virtual hug, PP. Please reach out for help. There are people who care and who are eager to help, even if sometimes the world feels really lonely. Be good to yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am visiting my beautiful hometown, one of the most desirable places to live according to many studies and reviews. Yet my friends are all unhappy. We’re in our mid 40s and many look back on decisions they made in their 20s and they’re so unhappy. They don’t like their husbands, they don’t like their careers. They’re overwhelmed with kids and other responsibilities. I don’t understand it because it’s objectively beautiful, close to everything, social network and pensions, they have extraordinarily stable jobs (ie, doctors that never get fired or lawyers who work for the government). What’s going on? I love these people and I am sad to see that they’re so unhappy. Disclosure: I thought I was unhappy, but my friends beat me in every category of sadness.

You don't understand why they're not happy staying where you grew up because it's so beautiful. If so, why did you move? Maybe it's not all it's cut out to be and you made the wise decision to move. Or, could just be that they are commiserating on middle-aged life, an existence that knows no geographical boundary.

I thought I made a mistake in leaving and thought everyone was happier than me staying behind. I guess some people are, probably the ones with family money and good husbands. But they were always lucky. My friends who are lawyers and doctors without family money and who happen to have slacker husbands are the least happy.

^ strangely, I never met the partner of one of my oldest friends - they have a kid together but she never let me actually meet him. It’s so strange.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am visiting my beautiful hometown, one of the most desirable places to live according to many studies and reviews. Yet my friends are all unhappy. We’re in our mid 40s and many look back on decisions they made in their 20s and they’re so unhappy. They don’t like their husbands, they don’t like their careers. They’re overwhelmed with kids and other responsibilities. I don’t understand it because it’s objectively beautiful, close to everything, social network and pensions, they have extraordinarily stable jobs (ie, doctors that never get fired or lawyers who work for the government). What’s going on? I love these people and I am sad to see that they’re so unhappy. Disclosure: I thought I was unhappy, but my friends beat me in every category of sadness.

You don't understand why they're not happy staying where you grew up because it's so beautiful. If so, why did you move? Maybe it's not all it's cut out to be and you made the wise decision to move. Or, could just be that they are commiserating on middle-aged life, an existence that knows no geographical boundary.

I thought I made a mistake in leaving and thought everyone was happier than me staying behind. I guess some people are, probably the ones with family money and good husbands. But they were always lucky. My friends who are lawyers and doctors without family money and who happen to have slacker husbands are the least happy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's just how the 40s and 50s are OP, no matter where you live. Especially if you have an illness or difficult spouse, difficult child and difficult elderly parents.

Does it get better?

To some extent. The elderly parents die, the kids grow up and out of the house, and then you fixate on other issues - impending retirement and the ability to pay for it, any new health concerns that come with getting older, your grown kids f&*ing up their lives (although you are limited in what you can do about that). It's a tug and pull.

Anonymous wrote:I am visiting my beautiful hometown, one of the most desirable places to live according to many studies and reviews. Yet my friends are all unhappy. We’re in our mid 40s and many look back on decisions they made in their 20s and they’re so unhappy. They don’t like their husbands, they don’t like their careers. They’re overwhelmed with kids and other responsibilities. I don’t understand it because it’s objectively beautiful, close to everything, social network and pensions, they have extraordinarily stable jobs (ie, doctors that never get fired or lawyers who work for the government). What’s going on? I love these people and I am sad to see that they’re so unhappy. Disclosure: I thought I was unhappy, but my friends beat me in every category of sadness.

You don't understand why they're not happy staying where you grew up because it's so beautiful. If so, why did you move? Maybe it's not all it's cut out to be and you made the wise decision to move. Or, could just be that they are commiserating on middle-aged life, an existence that knows no geographical boundary.

PP, so sorry for your awful situation. This is such a tiny suggestion, I don't want it to sound like minimizing you pain. Set aside 1 hour a day to "deal with Mom". Ideally a set time. Ideally consistently. Have a timer. Condition yourself (which will take time) so at no other time you are dealing with her/worries about her/ that interfere with your thoughts/your day's activities. I would stop the therapy, that's my opinion. It just has you focusing on her even more, too much of your time, I doubt it helps.

Not everyone is available -all the time-, not even in an emergency. Btw, ... do not tell her that this is your plan. Or siblings. Maybe not anyone. If asked, you were sorry that you weren't there/could not be there ... when she called, needed a ride, had an emergency.

Here not hear...sorry not enough coffee

I made the mistake of living near my parents. They made it clear they had a busy life and would not be taking the kids for the day, or taking them on outings or any of that. It was our job to visit them with kids, make sure kids behaved. We accepted all their boundaries and they had a life and we had a life. One of my kids has special needs and while they love their grandchildren, they were definitely now evolved in accepting SN and having empathy.

So fast forward to when they are aging and suddenly there is a long list of expectations and after dad passes mom descends into an abusive, controlling and highly needy nut who insists on aging in place. Suddenly, we owe her the moon and nothing is enough. My husband and daughter had serious health issues and it was all.about.her. And I am spending all this money of therapy to be at peace with boundaries and having this monster who lives nearby. And we don't want to move because we are happy hear and it's convenient for our jobs. And my siblings just play into mom's crazy and get financial rewards.

So I too just try to find pleasure in the small things and I am grateful my husband is a good person and I have great kids. I am appreciative when anyone is kind to me because my mother feels so comfortable being heartless. I feel trapped the more her behavior declines and she won't do meds for long and she won't move and she seems to be in better health than I am. I actually fear if I go first, she will go after my husband and kids and make them miserable.

Anonymous wrote:I have a special needs kid. I quit my job to look after him. This means we are all dependent on my husband's income. He's a hard person to live with and divorce might have been in the cards if I had personal income.

So we have good days and bad days. But I try to remind myself that we are all alive, we have shelter, food and even some extra luxuries, and none of us have terminal diseases. We have pets that make us happy, and we partake in small joys every day. My roses are having their second bloom right now. Every day I literally stop and smell my roses. It makes me happy.

This is a thoughtful and helpful post - thank you. Best of luck to you and your family, PP…

I totally understand. For many people, lots of their friends move away or drift away over time. This isolates us. For me, I never really had many friend growing up or as an adult. I never fit into a group has a kid and now the people I meet aren't like me either. I'm sure I'm not alone in the world in terms of how I am but it just sucks. I recently decided to stop going to a support group I attend because I'm just too different than the rest of the people there. I just want to lie down and not wake up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am visiting my beautiful hometown, one of the most desirable places to live according to many studies and reviews. Yet my friends are all unhappy. We’re in our mid 40s and many look back on decisions they made in their 20s and they’re so unhappy. They don’t like their husbands, they don’t like their careers. They’re overwhelmed with kids and other responsibilities. I don’t understand it because it’s objectively beautiful, close to everything, social network and pensions, they have extraordinarily stable jobs (ie, doctors that never get fired or lawyers who work for the government). What’s going on? I love these people and I am sad to see that they’re so unhappy. Disclosure: I thought I was unhappy, but my friends beat me in every category of sadness.

How many of these people are regularly on Facebook? I guarantee a lot of this is based on comparison via Facebook and thinking everyone else’s life is better and more glamorous and more cushy than theirs

Not really sure but people can show off IRL too. They get invited to their friends beautiful homes, see the nice cars etc.

Anonymous wrote:I am visiting my beautiful hometown, one of the most desirable places to live according to many studies and reviews. Yet my friends are all unhappy. We’re in our mid 40s and many look back on decisions they made in their 20s and they’re so unhappy. They don’t like their husbands, they don’t like their careers. They’re overwhelmed with kids and other responsibilities. I don’t understand it because it’s objectively beautiful, close to everything, social network and pensions, they have extraordinarily stable jobs (ie, doctors that never get fired or lawyers who work for the government). What’s going on? I love these people and I am sad to see that they’re so unhappy. Disclosure: I thought I was unhappy, but my friends beat me in every category of sadness.

How many of these people are regularly on Facebook? I guarantee a lot of this is based on comparison via Facebook and thinking everyone else’s life is better and more glamorous and more cushy than theirs

Anonymous wrote:Low expectations are the key to happiness.

+1. And choosing the right partner.