Anonymous
09/20/2022 19:53
Subject: Paying for parents to stay locally
OP, you are entitled to decide that your parents will not stay with you. I am probably your parents age. Do not think -- that you are doing them a favor by having them stay in an AirBnb. That may NOT be their style. There are a lot of unknowns for AirBnb. A hotel would be a better idea. I have stayed in many AirBnb and will continue to stay at them BUT I would not wish decide this for others.
Anonymous
09/20/2022 18:56
Subject: Re:Paying for parents to stay locally
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it sounds like you just don't want them there. That is a harder pill to swallow and i get that you dont want to say it directly. You night say you do want them there, just not for meals or overnight, but if they live far enough away that's not an option so it's irrelevant. They are not afternoon guests.
If you're asking them to stay somewhere else so you don't have the burden of hosting specifically, and they're happy to stay with you, it is for your convenience over theirs so I think you should pay.
What's the situation when you go home to visit them?. Do they cook every meal and do you stay there or do you pay for your own hotel and figure out your own meals?
I think you both need to set some boundaries, but you have to realize that the way you interact with them when you visit them will impact how they interact when they visit you. Not fair for you to expect them to pay for every single visit either way.
Yeah, I'm curious about whether OP and her family stay with her parents, whether she'd be put off if they told her to stay in a hotel even though they have space, whether they buy the groceries and plan and prepare the meals.
I mean, you act like you did them a big favor paying for the AirBnB when they came for the purpose of providing childcare while your daycare was closed. The vibe I get is that you don't really like them, and you don't really like them visiting.
Paying $200-300/night for an urban or suburban Airbnb is quite generous
But they were there to help OP out! They didn't want to stay in an AirBnB, and they were providing childcare that she needed.
And now she knows she can pay a sitter $20/hr instead
Sitters also need to be fed and paid OT.
Anonymous
09/20/2022 16:59
Subject: Paying for parents to stay locally
I have many friends who pay for their parents and want them comfortable. OP, sounds like you don’t want them. Go the extra mile and ask them to donate your share of the inheritance they are leaving. Or are you wanting that?
Anonymous
09/20/2022 16:38
Subject: Re:Paying for parents to stay locally
Stop taking inviting them to events when you don’t want house guests. I agree hosting high maintenance guests for a week around every event would suck. They don’t need to be included in everything. If they try to invite themselves, just tell them no you aren’t in a position to host anyone that week. They can offer themselves to get an Airbnb but it’s on them to offer, find it and pay for it.
Anonymous
09/20/2022 15:35
Subject: Paying for parents to stay locally
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel your pain. Our guest space was also our finished basement which is our office space as well. For 2.5 years we were both home all day every day tripping over each other trying to take calls in our open concept space. Then my ILs announced they were coming to visit and stay for 14 days. Not invited. Just announced. They are not great guests in the best of times, but there’s no way we could work from home with 2 additional demanding adults in our already awful wfh space. We suggested they shorten the time and stay with us for the long weekend and we would put them up in a hotel room for 3 additional nights. They flipped. Went off about not being welcome in our home, never having felt welcome (despite us hosting them for weeks at a time pre pandemic), etc. The end result is they have not visited here in almost 3 years now.
So I guess, if it’s alienating your parents to ask them to stay elsewhere, you get to decide if it’s worth it if they just stop visiting. (Do you also need to host your ILs? We ran into that problem for years. 2 long distance sets and barely enough space for one set to stay with us. Also caused huge blow ups over the years.)
Do we have the same ILs? Your story sounds so much like my experience.
I wish, because then we’d live in the same area and could split the duties of hosting them. Having people in your home who expect to be guests for weeks on end is exhausting enough when life is normal. We haven’t had my parents visit since the pandemic either (and they are generally easy, helpful visitors) so this is not even unique to my ILs, we just can’t have people in our home while we wfh.
Though I’m sorry to hear there are more out there like mine, it’s draining.
Anonymous
09/20/2022 15:06
Subject: Re:Paying for parents to stay locally
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it sounds like you just don't want them there. That is a harder pill to swallow and i get that you dont want to say it directly. You night say you do want them there, just not for meals or overnight, but if they live far enough away that's not an option so it's irrelevant. They are not afternoon guests.
If you're asking them to stay somewhere else so you don't have the burden of hosting specifically, and they're happy to stay with you, it is for your convenience over theirs so I think you should pay.
What's the situation when you go home to visit them?. Do they cook every meal and do you stay there or do you pay for your own hotel and figure out your own meals?
I think you both need to set some boundaries, but you have to realize that the way you interact with them when you visit them will impact how they interact when they visit you. Not fair for you to expect them to pay for every single visit either way.
Yeah, I'm curious about whether OP and her family stay with her parents, whether she'd be put off if they told her to stay in a hotel even though they have space, whether they buy the groceries and plan and prepare the meals.
I mean, you act like you did them a big favor paying for the AirBnB when they came for the purpose of providing childcare while your daycare was closed. The vibe I get is that you don't really like them, and you don't really like them visiting.
Paying $200-300/night for an urban or suburban Airbnb is quite generous
But they were there to help OP out! They didn't want to stay in an AirBnB, and they were providing childcare that she needed.
And now she knows she can pay a sitter $20/hr instead
Anonymous
09/20/2022 15:03
Subject: Paying for parents to stay locally
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel your pain. Our guest space was also our finished basement which is our office space as well. For 2.5 years we were both home all day every day tripping over each other trying to take calls in our open concept space. Then my ILs announced they were coming to visit and stay for 14 days. Not invited. Just announced. They are not great guests in the best of times, but there’s no way we could work from home with 2 additional demanding adults in our already awful wfh space. We suggested they shorten the time and stay with us for the long weekend and we would put them up in a hotel room for 3 additional nights. They flipped. Went off about not being welcome in our home, never having felt welcome (despite us hosting them for weeks at a time pre pandemic), etc. The end result is they have not visited here in almost 3 years now.
So I guess, if it’s alienating your parents to ask them to stay elsewhere, you get to decide if it’s worth it if they just stop visiting. (Do you also need to host your ILs? We ran into that problem for years. 2 long distance sets and barely enough space for one set to stay with us. Also caused huge blow ups over the years.)
Do we have the same ILs? Your story sounds so much like my experience.
What on earth is so difficult for them to understand that it’s a:
Small space
Work from home professional job
Kids at home for school
They don’t help out
Anonymous
09/20/2022 13:48
Subject: Re:Paying for parents to stay locally
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it sounds like you just don't want them there. That is a harder pill to swallow and i get that you dont want to say it directly. You night say you do want them there, just not for meals or overnight, but if they live far enough away that's not an option so it's irrelevant. They are not afternoon guests.
If you're asking them to stay somewhere else so you don't have the burden of hosting specifically, and they're happy to stay with you, it is for your convenience over theirs so I think you should pay.
What's the situation when you go home to visit them?. Do they cook every meal and do you stay there or do you pay for your own hotel and figure out your own meals?
I think you both need to set some boundaries, but you have to realize that the way you interact with them when you visit them will impact how they interact when they visit you. Not fair for you to expect them to pay for every single visit either way.
Yeah, I'm curious about whether OP and her family stay with her parents, whether she'd be put off if they told her to stay in a hotel even though they have space, whether they buy the groceries and plan and prepare the meals.
I mean, you act like you did them a big favor paying for the AirBnB when they came for the purpose of providing childcare while your daycare was closed. The vibe I get is that you don't really like them, and you don't really like them visiting.
Paying $200-300/night for an urban or suburban Airbnb is quite generous
But they were there to help OP out! They didn't want to stay in an AirBnB, and they were providing childcare that she needed.
Anonymous
09/20/2022 13:46
Subject: Paying for parents to stay locally
Anonymous wrote:My parents live several states away. We bought our house a few years ago and they have typically stayed with us in DC when they visit. We have a large finished basement which is our guest space, it has a bathroom and kitchen, but the space is open-concept and also my office (I WFM every day).
Typically they have stayed with us when they visit. In August, our son's daycare was closed for a week, but it was my busy time with work and we had some personal stuff going on (my husband was making a decision on changing jobs that week), so my parents were coming to babysit my son, and since they were doing us a favor by babysitting, I offered to put them up in a really nice Airbnb in the neighborhood. My mom seemed put-off, not by anything she said - just attitude, can't really articulate it better than that - but they understood that we had a lot going on and a 9 day visit is a lot. They stayed with us over the second weekend they were here since I was using my office space M-Fri and it's hard to use it as a true office when we have guests visiting.
My husband is graduating from law school next spring and I am tentatively planning a celebration for him. I know it will not be relaxing for him if my parents are staying with us for his graduation weekend. I spoke with my parents this morning about the idea and said it'd likely make sense that they stay in the AirBnb that weekend if they visit. My mom again, sounded put-off: "Oh.....okay....... so we can't stay with you?" and I felt weird, but I just said yes, that'd be easier since we have a lot going on that weekend and I wanted to make sure it felt like the weekend was about him, instead of the responsibility of hosting. I got off the phone and realized there'd been no discussion of the finances... are we now expected to pay for the Air Bnb again for my parents because they're not staying with us? We had paid for it for the week they were doing childcare, to be nice, but this was just a regular visit.
Holy crap. They came to babysit your son because you were in a bind, and you think you were doing them a favor by paying for the AirBnB you made them stay in?
Anonymous
09/20/2022 13:16
Subject: Paying for parents to stay locally
I can't imagine having a whole open basement/kitchen/bathroom space and then asking my parents to stay at Airbnb. There would have to be some serious boundary/pesronal issues for me not to open my home to my family; more serious than minor annoyances you've mentioned here. Which it seems like can be resolved with some communication. And on top of that you want them to pay for the Airbnb.
I know this isn't what you want to hear, but i think you're wrong for this and I don't blame your mother for being put off. Well, at least she's not giving you a hard time about it. Sounds like she thinks you're wrong too, but mostly just keeping her mouth shut about it.
I know this isn't what you want to hear, but i think you're wrong for this and I don't blame your mother for being put off. Well, at least she's not giving you a hard time about it. Sounds like she thinks you're wrong too, but mostly just keeping her mouth shut about it.
Anonymous
09/20/2022 13:08
Subject: Paying for parents to stay locally
Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel your pain. Our guest space was also our finished basement which is our office space as well. For 2.5 years we were both home all day every day tripping over each other trying to take calls in our open concept space. Then my ILs announced they were coming to visit and stay for 14 days. Not invited. Just announced. They are not great guests in the best of times, but there’s no way we could work from home with 2 additional demanding adults in our already awful wfh space. We suggested they shorten the time and stay with us for the long weekend and we would put them up in a hotel room for 3 additional nights. They flipped. Went off about not being welcome in our home, never having felt welcome (despite us hosting them for weeks at a time pre pandemic), etc. The end result is they have not visited here in almost 3 years now.
So I guess, if it’s alienating your parents to ask them to stay elsewhere, you get to decide if it’s worth it if they just stop visiting. (Do you also need to host your ILs? We ran into that problem for years. 2 long distance sets and barely enough space for one set to stay with us. Also caused huge blow ups over the years.)
Do we have the same ILs? Your story sounds so much like my experience.
Anonymous
09/20/2022 13:05
Subject: Re:Paying for parents to stay locally
When my mom was alive, my parents did whatever we asked and paid their own way. Now that she’s gone, my dad has become pseudo helpless and we pay for everything up front. He gives us bulk amounts of money, which winds up covering what we pay over a period of time.
OP, I hear what your’e saying about having to entertain your parents. Long-term guests (anything more than 3 days) need to be given chores and be a part of the household. If your’e working, ask your parents to start dinner. Give them a grocery list and your credit card and tell them to pick up food. Send them to school to pick up the kids or have them drop the kids off at play dates. You have to stop treating your parents like guests - because they are not. I told my ILs when they first started visiting that they should treat our house like theirs and showed them where food items were, cleaning supplies, etc. You should clean the guest room clean before they arrive, but if they complain about any messes while they’re at your house, point them to the vacuum or mop. Order more takeout, too. If they are going to travel to your DH’s graduation, you should offer them a place to stay, or don’t invite them. I doubt your DH would care whether they showed up or not. Make things easier for yourself since your parents aren’t going to do that for you.
You should also consider building some walls to make a proper office for yourself in the basement. That setup isn’t conducive for what you need.
OP, I hear what your’e saying about having to entertain your parents. Long-term guests (anything more than 3 days) need to be given chores and be a part of the household. If your’e working, ask your parents to start dinner. Give them a grocery list and your credit card and tell them to pick up food. Send them to school to pick up the kids or have them drop the kids off at play dates. You have to stop treating your parents like guests - because they are not. I told my ILs when they first started visiting that they should treat our house like theirs and showed them where food items were, cleaning supplies, etc. You should clean the guest room clean before they arrive, but if they complain about any messes while they’re at your house, point them to the vacuum or mop. Order more takeout, too. If they are going to travel to your DH’s graduation, you should offer them a place to stay, or don’t invite them. I doubt your DH would care whether they showed up or not. Make things easier for yourself since your parents aren’t going to do that for you.
You should also consider building some walls to make a proper office for yourself in the basement. That setup isn’t conducive for what you need.
Anonymous
09/20/2022 11:13
Subject: Re:Paying for parents to stay locally
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it sounds like you just don't want them there. That is a harder pill to swallow and i get that you dont want to say it directly. You night say you do want them there, just not for meals or overnight, but if they live far enough away that's not an option so it's irrelevant. They are not afternoon guests.
If you're asking them to stay somewhere else so you don't have the burden of hosting specifically, and they're happy to stay with you, it is for your convenience over theirs so I think you should pay.
What's the situation when you go home to visit them?. Do they cook every meal and do you stay there or do you pay for your own hotel and figure out your own meals?
I think you both need to set some boundaries, but you have to realize that the way you interact with them when you visit them will impact how they interact when they visit you. Not fair for you to expect them to pay for every single visit either way.
Yeah, I'm curious about whether OP and her family stay with her parents, whether she'd be put off if they told her to stay in a hotel even though they have space, whether they buy the groceries and plan and prepare the meals.
I mean, you act like you did them a big favor paying for the AirBnB when they came for the purpose of providing childcare while your daycare was closed. The vibe I get is that you don't really like them, and you don't really like them visiting.
Paying $200-300/night for an urban or suburban Airbnb is quite generous
Anonymous
09/20/2022 11:12
Subject: Re:Paying for parents to stay locally
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it sounds like you just don't want them there. That is a harder pill to swallow and i get that you dont want to say it directly. You night say you do want them there, just not for meals or overnight, but if they live far enough away that's not an option so it's irrelevant. They are not afternoon guests.
If you're asking them to stay somewhere else so you don't have the burden of hosting specifically, and they're happy to stay with you, it is for your convenience over theirs so I think you should pay.
What's the situation when you go home to visit them?. Do they cook every meal and do you stay there or do you pay for your own hotel and figure out your own meals?
I think you both need to set some boundaries, but you have to realize that the way you interact with them when you visit them will impact how they interact when they visit you. Not fair for you to expect them to pay for every single visit either way.
Are you comparing a retired couple hosting houseguests with a working family w young children having houseguests?
Gawd.
Anonymous
09/20/2022 11:10
Subject: Paying for parents to stay locally
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:So petty, OP. So petty.
Yes, plus feeling so put upon that you have to cook (in your own house!) when they are visiting. Most hosts do just that.
Not dual working parents with long hours with kids.
Hosting people who don’t do their own cooking, entertainment, shopping, planning, and picking up after themselves sux. I wouldn’t do it for longer than a weekend, and even now w older kids weekends are family time and lots of games, Bday parties, homework projects, planning for future stuff- NOT entertaining and cooking for houseguests.
Btw Op, any way a nanny or AU pair or housekeeper/cook/nanny can help? If you gave her regular hours half days or a few days a week?