Anonymous wrote:Posting yet again because as a person who has dealt with a difficult parent for years and is now distancing myself, this really struck a nerve. You are quite generous with OTHER people's time. Maybe it;s time to appreciate all your relatives did despite his difficult behavior and be grateful. You would have had to pay a small fortune to hire people to do that. No good deed goes unpunished it seems. I gave and gave and when I finally distanced for sanity the same people who had every excuse not to do more were critical. Have grace and gratitude OP, it's a better look.

Anonymous wrote:I am in a similar situation (mom with dementia, dad died suddenly). All relatives except for my brother have essentially ghosted by mom. My aunt and uncle had known my mom since they all went to college together and lived walking distance from her and did not visit once after my dad died. My mom's own sister died. Dementia is very isolating. it is hard to watch. In fact I am tearing up just typing this. Just know you are not alone.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for your replies. A few observations.
Some of you read my posts and concluded that I didn't do anything for my father when he was ill. Wrong. From afar I did the following:

- Found a nurse to come to his house, twice a day

- Found aides to come to his house 3 times a week, to do cooking, washing dishes, laundry, ironing, make his bed, some cleaning, etc.

- Found window cleaners.

- Found a place for his beloved cat to stay when he had to stay in hospital.

- Talked to my father on the phone most days and visited every 4-6 weeks, or more often when needed. During visits DH & I cleaned his house, got groceries, dealt with admin, took him to the barbers, doctors, pharmacy, ATM, etc. And kept him company of course.

- Kept close relatives informed. Not daily or weekly, but regularly.

The problem was that my father canceled the aides without telling me. He just rang the agency and canceled the service. Twice! He didn't want them back. Admittedly they weren't very punctual ...

My father also had a cleaner for a while but they had an argument because she started working only 3 out the 4 hours they had agreed on but she took the money for 4 hours! I couldn't persuade him to get a new cleaner ...

I never, ever expected any relative to become my father's full-time or part-time carer, of course not (!) but it would have been helpful to my father and to me if they had checked in on him, say once a week, given that they lived close. Either in person or just by a telephone call.

I never regret moving 300 miles away. I had my parents' full blessing. But there's only so much one can do from afar.

Anonymous wrote:It’s sad, but in life you get back what you give. What did your dad do for his family and how did he engage with them when he was younger and healthier? If he didn’t nourish those relationships, it’s not surprising no one was there for him.

Anonymous wrote:I've just read the whole thread. There are some nasty replies on here.

Some posters have concluded that OP did not do enough for her ailing father - but very conveniently ignored to read the things that she did do. Others implied that she should have tried to move back and leave her relatives out of it.

We don't know the exact circumstances in this story. We don't know if OP's expectations of her relatives were simply too high, or why the relatives decided to stop helping a family member who was ill and clearly struggling.
It is also not clear if OP ever talked to her aunts and uncles and expressed her feelings of frustration and worry.

The posters who think OP should have tried to move back 'home' where her father lived - would you expect your only adult child who moved several states away (or overseas even), got married, had kids, established a good career and put down roots elsewhere to just move back near you so they can take care of you? They should just resign from a good job and leave? Stop paying the mortgage? Your adult child's spouse doesn't have a say in this?

What plans have YOU made for your end of life care?
What planet are some of you living on?

Anonymous wrote:OP, just please go see a therapist. This is not healthy to hang on to. I'm starting to think you are a troll, continuing to explain what your relatives should have done over 14 years ago.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for your replies. A few observations.
Some of you read my posts and concluded that I didn't do anything for my father when he was ill. Wrong. From afar I did the following:

- Found a nurse to come to his house, twice a day

- Found aides to come to his house 3 times a week, to do cooking, washing dishes, laundry, ironing, make his bed, some cleaning, etc.

- Found window cleaners.

- Found a place for his beloved cat to stay when he had to stay in hospital.

- Talked to my father on the phone most days and visited every 4-6 weeks, or more often when needed. During visits DH & I cleaned his house, got groceries, dealt with admin, took him to the barbers, doctors, pharmacy, ATM, etc. And kept him company of course.

- Kept close relatives informed. Not daily or weekly, but regularly.

The problem was that my father canceled the aides without telling me. He just rang the agency and canceled the service. Twice! He didn't want them back. Admittedly they weren't very punctual ...

My father also had a cleaner for a while but they had an argument because she started working only 3 out the 4 hours they had agreed on but she took the money for 4 hours! I couldn't persuade him to get a new cleaner ...

I never, ever expected any relative to become my father's full-time or part-time carer, of course not (!) but it would have been helpful to my father and to me if they had checked in on him, say once a week, given that they lived close. Either in person or just by a telephone call.

I never regret moving 300 miles away. I had my parents' full blessing. But there's only so much one can do from afar.

It is not their job to check on his and endure nasty behavior. I think you are downplaying that. You do not understand from afar what that is like because they save their worst behavior for those closest. Before you accept your Gold medal for hiring people, you need to really process what was going on and how ungracious you are when it comes to relatives. The abusive behavior can get pretty bad and no you have no idea if you weren't there. They have a right to set a boundary and decide no more. Unless you were living there and experiencing the full amount of poor behavior you have no right to judge. If you cannot thank them for what they did rather than judging them for finally saying enough it enough, then you really need to do some soul searching

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a feeling OP is ignoring all of us who say this is FAR too long to ruminate over and therapy is in order, and also those who are asking pointed questions about what exactly she expected from relatives.

OP here. I have read the replies and I'm not ignoring.

To those of you who wonder why I'm posting about this, 14 years after my father's death. They say time is a good healer. I don't think it is. Not for me anyway. Grief never goes away. You learn to live with it, but it never leaves you.

Try and see it from my point of view. My parents are dead and so are my grandparents (long gone). I have no siblings, so no nieces and nephews either. My DH and I don't have kids either.
I have a husband who is lovely and supportive, but it's not the same as close blood relatives.

My aunts and uncles (from both sides of my family) hardly mention my parents anymore these days. It's almost as if they never existed.
It can feel very lonely.

If you haven't already, ask your aunts and uncles about your parents and their early lives.

"Tell me what grandma and grandpa were like as parents. What did you do for fun as siblings? What was my mom/dad like as a kid? What did you like best about them as a sibling? Worse? Etc."

I think this is a lovely suggestion in general, but given OP's lack of gratitude for what the relatives did and sense of entitlement, if I were her relative I would avoid her until she got help. Why would anyone want to become closer to someone who doesn't appreciate your kindness, has the nerve to decide you didn't do enough and who doesn't seem to have much empathy for what they endured. If anything trying to connect with them before she gets helps, may push a relative to finally tell her off.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for your replies. A few observations.
Some of you read my posts and concluded that I didn't do anything for my father when he was ill. Wrong. From afar I did the following:

- Found a nurse to come to his house, twice a day

- Found aides to come to his house 3 times a week, to do cooking, washing dishes, laundry, ironing, make his bed, some cleaning, etc.

- Found window cleaners.

- Found a place for his beloved cat to stay when he had to stay in hospital.

- Talked to my father on the phone most days and visited every 4-6 weeks, or more often when needed. During visits DH & I cleaned his house, got groceries, dealt with admin, took him to the barbers, doctors, pharmacy, ATM, etc. And kept him company of course.

- Kept close relatives informed. Not daily or weekly, but regularly.

The problem was that my father canceled the aides without telling me. He just rang the agency and canceled the service. Twice! He didn't want them back. Admittedly they weren't very punctual ...

My father also had a cleaner for a while but they had an argument because she started working only 3 out the 4 hours they had agreed on but she took the money for 4 hours! I couldn't persuade him to get a new cleaner ...

I never, ever expected any relative to become my father's full-time or part-time carer, of course not (!) but it would have been helpful to my father and to me if they had checked in on him, say once a week, given that they lived close. Either in person or just by a telephone call.

I never regret moving 300 miles away. I had my parents' full blessing. But there's only so much one can do from afar.