Anonymous
09/12/2022 13:39
Subject: Pre-marriage due diligence checklist
Anonymous wrote:4 pages in yet nobody has mentioned sexual compatibility
Because that's not something you can ask, only experience.
I think the problem with a lot of this is that people can say all sorts of things. You really know someone from their behavior. I don't care if someone tells you all day what a good person they are, etc - you know if someone behaves like a good person.
The questions are for things that are not observable. But even then, as people have said, things can change, people can lie, etc.
Anonymous
09/12/2022 13:30
Subject: Pre-marriage due diligence checklist
Anonymous wrote:4 pages in yet nobody has mentioned sexual compatibility
PP here. Yes, I think this part was somewhat missing. Although with all the lies, who knows.
Anonymous
09/12/2022 13:30
Subject: Re:Pre-marriage due diligence checklist
Anonymous wrote:Let me see your finances - debts, savings, spending habits, etc. Is he cheap? Is he going to buy a Rolex on a random Tuesday?
Not something you can ask, but look at his temper over the coarse of at LEAST a year - how does he handle frustration, anger, sadness, road rage, embarrassment - if a stranger engages and tries to start a fight does he de-escalate or get into it?
Is he civic minded? Does he vote? Volunteer? Donate time/money/resources? Recycle? Compost?
Drugs/alcohol - is whatever his usage is, something you're comfortable with? How does personality change when using? Responsible driver?
Longevity of relationships - how long has he been friends with his oldest friend? Close with extended family members?
Career - does he have a plan? Is it realistic? Is he kind to people at work? Does he support coworkers or step on them to get ahead? Does he treat people "under" him respectfully?
misogynist/feminist - is he whatever aligns with your beliefs?
Lifestyle - is it compatible with yours? Or is he a city person while you want to live on a farm? Is he someone who always needs to be busy and you want a lot of down time? Does he want to go to monster truck things while you want to go to the opera? Does he want to spend every weekend with family while you want to visit once a year? Do you want vacations to be in a cabin on a lake and he wants to travel around European cities?
Kids - do you both want the same #? are you on the same page with lifestyle for kids? Goodwill clothes until they're 15 or Janie and Jack? Will you both spank?
Safety: does he lock doors and you never do? Does he let anyone into the house and you are suspicious of everyone?
Just fyi, I did all of this and months of precana etc. He just totally lied about himself. And I should have realized the checklist and caring about each other wasn't enough. It lasted 18 years. Oh well.
Anonymous
09/12/2022 13:03
Subject: Pre-marriage due diligence checklist
4 pages in yet nobody has mentioned sexual compatibility
Anonymous
09/12/2022 12:55
Subject: Re:Pre-marriage due diligence checklist
Anonymous wrote:So you are trying to figure out if your significant other checks all the boxes, but you don't even know what the boxes should be?
Do you love this person enough to spend the rest of your life with them? How about we start with that.
But you are crazy if you think love is enough. I don't think it is weird for OP to crowd source this. Some people don't think of stuff until it is too late. For example, DH and I never talked about WHEN we had kids. We both agreed on 2-3 with him leaning more toward 2 and me leaning more toward 3, but both fully accepting the others number. But we did not talk about when. Timing worked out and we were in full agreement as to when to start trying and got pregnant quickly. But I know plenty of couples where the timing ended up being a huge issue. Also, where to settle and build your life together. This can be a huge problem for some couples who grew up in totally different areas of the country or world and are fine with where they are when they meet but not staying there forever.
OP, finances are one of the biggest things that couples fight over. So lots of questions on that, but also as someone else said, just making observations is helpful, too, to see if you are similar.
Anonymous
09/12/2022 12:46
Subject: Re:Pre-marriage due diligence checklist
T
Anonymous
09/12/2022 12:42
Subject: Pre-marriage due diligence checklist
Rather than questions, observe behavior.
How does your potential future mate interact with their family? Are there feelings of guilt and obligation? Does your partner place parents’ needs over your needs or their own needs? Is their family of origin high conflict or conflict avoidant? Having a difficult family isn’t a deal breaker if someone has examined that (with therapy) and has healthy boundaries.
Do you trust your partner deeply? My spouse and I have both ended up having temporary medical conditions that have required we help each other with injectable prescriptions. It takes a lot of vulnerability, trust, and willingness to take care of each other to get through illness, but chances are that we’ll all end up temporarily or permanently experiencing some level of disability as we age. A lot of women end up with stoic men who are good providers but who lack any sort of sensitivity toward their emotional needs.
How does your potential mate prioritize work? There are no wrong answers, only compatibility issues. Are you ok trading off quality time for income, or is it more important that your spouse has a career track and boundaries that allow for quality time together when needed. If your mate has already chosen big law or medicine as a career, are you comfortable that it will take away from family time, even at holidays and life milestones?
How does your potential future mate interact with their family? Are there feelings of guilt and obligation? Does your partner place parents’ needs over your needs or their own needs? Is their family of origin high conflict or conflict avoidant? Having a difficult family isn’t a deal breaker if someone has examined that (with therapy) and has healthy boundaries.
Do you trust your partner deeply? My spouse and I have both ended up having temporary medical conditions that have required we help each other with injectable prescriptions. It takes a lot of vulnerability, trust, and willingness to take care of each other to get through illness, but chances are that we’ll all end up temporarily or permanently experiencing some level of disability as we age. A lot of women end up with stoic men who are good providers but who lack any sort of sensitivity toward their emotional needs.
How does your potential mate prioritize work? There are no wrong answers, only compatibility issues. Are you ok trading off quality time for income, or is it more important that your spouse has a career track and boundaries that allow for quality time together when needed. If your mate has already chosen big law or medicine as a career, are you comfortable that it will take away from family time, even at holidays and life milestones?
Anonymous
09/12/2022 11:42
Subject: Pre-marriage due diligence checklist
I would go back in time and ask for a full mental health review going back several generations. Depression, substance abuse and various addictive tendencies have a strong genetic component.
Anonymous
09/12/2022 11:36
Subject: Pre-marriage due diligence checklist
Anonymous wrote:What is missing in this discussion is also self awareness. Who are you at your worst? What about your, your family, your career etc will create challenges. Relationships are more about the dynamic between two people and less about the individual. Something that is no issue with one partner becomes a big issue with another partner or a weakness you have becomes a major issue when your partner has the same one etc. It is less about a checklist for either of you and more about what aspects of the two of you will be good together and what will be challenges.
This is good. I saw a piece of advice once -- "never challenge someone's self-delusion." Dark but sound advice. Even for people who are generally self-aware.
Also: "Don't go to bed angry" is bad advice. "Sleep never makes anything worse" is better advice.
Anonymous
09/12/2022 09:11
Subject: Re:Pre-marriage due diligence checklist
A question I never thought to ask before marriage but should have is what is your sexuality and gender identity? Have you ever questioned or struggled with those things? You may think you have found the perfect partner only to be blindsided after marriage.
Anonymous
09/12/2022 03:56
Subject: Pre-marriage due diligence checklist
What is missing in this discussion is also self awareness. Who are you at your worst? What about your, your family, your career etc will create challenges. Relationships are more about the dynamic between two people and less about the individual. Something that is no issue with one partner becomes a big issue with another partner or a weakness you have becomes a major issue when your partner has the same one etc. It is less about a checklist for either of you and more about what aspects of the two of you will be good together and what will be challenges.
Anonymous
09/11/2022 23:43
Subject: Re:Pre-marriage due diligence checklist
Your checklist doesn’t matter. You can be 100% compatible according to your checklist and still end up divorced eventually. Because among other things, people change.
Anonymous
09/11/2022 21:39
Subject: Re:Pre-marriage due diligence checklist
Anonymous wrote:If you are going to be the primary earner get a prenup. Keep all assets separate during marriage. Both parties should sign an alimony waiver.
Make sure both parties have a lawyer.
No one should marry this person unless they don’t want kids.
Anonymous
09/11/2022 18:41
Subject: Re:Pre-marriage due diligence checklist
Anonymous wrote:If you are going to be the primary earner get a prenup. Keep all assets separate during marriage. Both parties should sign an alimony waiver.
Make sure both parties have a lawyer.
You don’t want a marriage. You want a limited liability company incorporated in Delaware.
Anonymous
09/11/2022 17:41
Subject: Pre-marriage due diligence checklist
1 or 2 kids only. 3 kids are complete chaos.