Anonymous wrote:OP here. I really appreciate all the comments and stories.

I am clearly coming at this in a different way than many posters. For one, I generally think that little kids' shouldn't be punished for things that happen at school. I heard from school twice last year (via email) about my son being too silly/disruptive, but I did hear often from my child just as we are chatting. In one case after being disruptive he missed a game after class and had to write an apology to the specials teacher who later did email me. To me, its done at that point. He misbehaved, he had a consequence at school, end of story. I can understand that certain behaviors might require more at home but a then 7 year old being silly/disruptive with two notes home isn't one of them. But, clearly others disagree. I am curious why. If the child was punished at school, why punish again? We absolutely spoke about what happened but not with a consequence. I understand this approach might not get immediate behavior change but it seems the most appropriate to me. Are people really punishing small kids again at home? Why?

So that was last year. He is now 8 and in 3rd grade. I have heard absolutely nothing from school this year about behavior so all my info is from him. He is openly sharing mistakes and what happened. It seems preposterous to punish him at home for that? I can't even wrap my head around that. My concern is that the behavior is tolerated over and over so my original question was more...is this just normal school stuff that happens everywhere or are some schools more strict, and if so, how?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s very easy to assume a kid just needs discipline but behavior is more complicated than that. All behavior is communication and it’s the parents job to truly listen and understand so you can figure out what is causing it.

My son started having behavior, attention, and mood issues out of nowhere in 3rd grade at the age of 8. We were so upset when we learned about how he was treating teachers and students at school. We discussed every issue and “disciplined” for the incidents. So did the school. Things got worse and our relationship as well as his relationship with teachers deteriorated quickly. I finally sat down, asked lots of questions in a calm, loving, and nonjudgmental way. The counselor at school did the same thing. We started to pick up on themes and did more investigating. We realized that DC was being bullied, that teachers were unintentionally embarrassing him in front of peers when he made mistakes and didn’t understand a new concept, and there was likely a medical issue of some kind because he kept saying he didn’t know why he was doing some of these things and he couldn’t control it. It became clear he was struggling with executive function but doctors didn’t think he had ADHD. After a lot of investigation, we discovered a sleep disorder which was taking a major toll on his executive function and mood. Had I not stopped to listen to him, we would have continued down a path of discipline and kept delaying the treatment that was actually needed.

a "sleep disorder"? can you please explain a bit more?

Anonymous wrote:He's in charge. He's telling you he's in trouble and wandering the halls. Clearly he knows you're not going to do anything. So if you want to know why he's not behaving, you can start there.

Anonymous wrote:It’s very easy to assume a kid just needs discipline but behavior is more complicated than that. All behavior is communication and it’s the parents job to truly listen and understand so you can figure out what is causing it.

My son started having behavior, attention, and mood issues out of nowhere in 3rd grade at the age of 8. We were so upset when we learned about how he was treating teachers and students at school. We discussed every issue and “disciplined” for the incidents. So did the school. Things got worse and our relationship as well as his relationship with teachers deteriorated quickly. I finally sat down, asked lots of questions in a calm, loving, and nonjudgmental way. The counselor at school did the same thing. We started to pick up on themes and did more investigating. We realized that DC was being bullied, that teachers were unintentionally embarrassing him in front of peers when he made mistakes and didn’t understand a new concept, and there was likely a medical issue of some kind because he kept saying he didn’t know why he was doing some of these things and he couldn’t control it. It became clear he was struggling with executive function but doctors didn’t think he had ADHD. After a lot of investigation, we discovered a sleep disorder which was taking a major toll on his executive function and mood. Had I not stopped to listen to him, we would have continued down a path of discipline and kept delaying the treatment that was actually needed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP wanted to sit down with every authority to create a plan of action to get her son to obey, except the kid himself? If you have not taught your child the universal respect for authority, they will not respect authority. And blaming “the system“ for not teaching him what you should guarantees the child will blame everyone around him for the rest of his life.

OP here. I absolutely spoke to my son and do frequently. However, telling me he wouldn’t listen to her in class isn’t something I can do much about. I fully believe my son is at an age where he is responsible for his behavior and can make better choices but I also don’t think it’s in a vacuum. A teacher pleading with him to stop is not effective. He needs to be send to the principal and that’s what I said in my email. He’s actually never been sent to the principal, which is the big consequence, and i think he needs to be.

Really? This just answered your question “Is my Private School enabling poor behavior?” No. YOU are. You don’t know how to discipline your kid? All teachers should notify you of difficulties with your son (send an email to teacher). If you get any emails/notifications he is punished. See how simple that is? Signed a former teacher, emphasis on former

This. If my kid's teacher is reporting behavioral problems, my kid and I are having a talk. And serious infractions = serious consequences at home. You don't need a meeting with every single person at the school to create a "plan of action." You need to discipline your kid. Those big meetings are for when you've tried that already and there's some bigger issue that needs cooperation. But you haven't tried it yet.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP wanted to sit down with every authority to create a plan of action to get her son to obey, except the kid himself? If you have not taught your child the universal respect for authority, they will not respect authority. And blaming “the system“ for not teaching him what you should guarantees the child will blame everyone around him for the rest of his life.

OP here. I absolutely spoke to my son and do frequently. However, telling me he wouldn’t listen to her in class isn’t something I can do much about. I fully believe my son is at an age where he is responsible for his behavior and can make better choices but I also don’t think it’s in a vacuum. A teacher pleading with him to stop is not effective. He needs to be send to the principal and that’s what I said in my email. He’s actually never been sent to the principal, which is the big consequence, and i think he needs to be.

Really? This just answered your question “Is my Private School enabling poor behavior?” No. YOU are. You don’t know how to discipline your kid? All teachers should notify you of difficulties with your son (send an email to teacher). If you get any emails/notifications he is punished. See how simple that is? Signed a former teacher, emphasis on former

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP wanted to sit down with every authority to create a plan of action to get her son to obey, except the kid himself? If you have not taught your child the universal respect for authority, they will not respect authority. And blaming “the system“ for not teaching him what you should guarantees the child will blame everyone around him for the rest of his life.

OP here. I absolutely spoke to my son and do frequently. However, telling me he wouldn’t listen to her in class isn’t something I can do much about. I fully believe my son is at an age where he is responsible for his behavior and can make better choices but I also don’t think it’s in a vacuum. A teacher pleading with him to stop is not effective. He needs to be send to the principal and that’s what I said in my email. He’s actually never been sent to the principal, which is the big consequence, and i think he needs to be.