Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I manage 75% of our home life (one kid). He handles bedtime. He manages most of our finances, home repairs, lawn, dishes, trash and that's about it. Everything else is on me. We have a housekeeper, nanny and regular babysitters so that I get some support. I knew what I was getting myself into when we got married and knew that I would be the default parent.

LOL. "Some" support? You don't do squat!

God, it's never enough for you people. Not enough work, too much work, he can't be a good partner if he's around too much, he can't be a good dad if he's working too much, she's a bad mom if she hires out everything, she's dumb because why wouldn't you hire someone to help with all this money? Etc., etc. This thread is hilarious.

You’re right but please understand the “LOL” pp is just jealous of the help.

LOL no jealousy at all just amusement at how clueless this poster is. She manages 75 percent of the home life by paying others to do it. Of course, she couldn’t do that if she wasn’t married to a partner making big money. So how exactly is she “managing” any of that more than him? Because it’s her thumb and not his that pushes the Venmo button?

I’m an early retired Biglaw partner sitting by the pool at our second home. We have people who do everything here - the lawn, the pool, the grocery deliveries, you name it. All I do is pay them. So I guess I handle 100 percent of the things that need to be done here, huh? Amazing how I manage to handle all of that while sitting by the pool all day long. Try telling my spouse that I’m soooo busy and see their reaction ha ha.

Sounds like you weren’t a very involved parent. Taking care of an infant 120 hours a week is not exactly like sitting by the pool all day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I manage 75% of our home life (one kid). He handles bedtime. He manages most of our finances, home repairs, lawn, dishes, trash and that's about it. Everything else is on me. We have a housekeeper, nanny and regular babysitters so that I get some support. I knew what I was getting myself into when we got married and knew that I would be the default parent.

LOL. "Some" support? You don't do squat!

God, it's never enough for you people. Not enough work, too much work, he can't be a good partner if he's around too much, he can't be a good dad if he's working too much, she's a bad mom if she hires out everything, she's dumb because why wouldn't you hire someone to help with all this money? Etc., etc. This thread is hilarious.

But to be fair, that PP didn't do squat!

- dp

I saw the humor in it too! 75% after the nanny, housekeeper, and regular babysitters leave what? About 15 minutes a day to tend to household/childraising duties. Tedious for realz, guyz!

This is the 75% poster. Thanks for telling me I don't do squat. We have a nanny so I can work full time, but you'll probably tell me my DH is a terrible big law partner for letting his wife work. The housekeeper is so I don't have to spend 4 hours cleaning on the weekend and can rest after working a full week. The babysitter is so I don't have to take a baby with me while I run errands.

Pp, if I were you I’d drop this and move on. You are not helping your case. Sorry for your tough life.

DP. What is your problem?

She has childcare while she is working and a weekly cleaning service. That describes most of the people on this site, even those with involved spouses.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I manage 75% of our home life (one kid). He handles bedtime. He manages most of our finances, home repairs, lawn, dishes, trash and that's about it. Everything else is on me. We have a housekeeper, nanny and regular babysitters so that I get some support. I knew what I was getting myself into when we got married and knew that I would be the default parent.

LOL. "Some" support? You don't do squat!

God, it's never enough for you people. Not enough work, too much work, he can't be a good partner if he's around too much, he can't be a good dad if he's working too much, she's a bad mom if she hires out everything, she's dumb because why wouldn't you hire someone to help with all this money? Etc., etc. This thread is hilarious.

But to be fair, that PP didn't do squat!

- dp

I saw the humor in it too! 75% after the nanny, housekeeper, and regular babysitters leave what? About 15 minutes a day to tend to household/childraising duties. Tedious for realz, guyz!

This is the 75% poster. Thanks for telling me I don't do squat. We have a nanny so I can work full time, but you'll probably tell me my DH is a terrible big law partner for letting his wife work. The housekeeper is so I don't have to spend 4 hours cleaning on the weekend and can rest after working a full week. The babysitter is so I don't have to take a baby with me while I run errands.

If you're working full time, all that makes sense. A few of us got the vibe from your email that you were sahm, in which case the amount of outsourcing you get but still claim "75%" would have been humorous.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I manage 75% of our home life (one kid). He handles bedtime. He manages most of our finances, home repairs, lawn, dishes, trash and that's about it. Everything else is on me. We have a housekeeper, nanny and regular babysitters so that I get some support. I knew what I was getting myself into when we got married and knew that I would be the default parent.

LOL. "Some" support? You don't do squat!

God, it's never enough for you people. Not enough work, too much work, he can't be a good partner if he's around too much, he can't be a good dad if he's working too much, she's a bad mom if she hires out everything, she's dumb because why wouldn't you hire someone to help with all this money? Etc., etc. This thread is hilarious.

But to be fair, that PP didn't do squat!

- dp

I saw the humor in it too! 75% after the nanny, housekeeper, and regular babysitters leave what? About 15 minutes a day to tend to household/childraising duties. Tedious for realz, guyz!

This is the 75% poster. Thanks for telling me I don't do squat. We have a nanny so I can work full time, but you'll probably tell me my DH is a terrible big law partner for letting his wife work. The housekeeper is so I don't have to spend 4 hours cleaning on the weekend and can rest after working a full week. The babysitter is so I don't have to take a baby with me while I run errands.

Pp, if I were you I’d drop this and move on. You are not helping your case. Sorry for your tough life.

Yea I agree you’re just digging your hole deeper and deeper. Let’s tie this all together: you don’t watch the kids, you don’t clean the house, but you do run errands. Oh, while somebody else watches the baby, that is.

Got it. That 75 percent must be exhausting!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I manage 75% of our home life (one kid). He handles bedtime. He manages most of our finances, home repairs, lawn, dishes, trash and that's about it. Everything else is on me. We have a housekeeper, nanny and regular babysitters so that I get some support. I knew what I was getting myself into when we got married and knew that I would be the default parent.

LOL. "Some" support? You don't do squat!

God, it's never enough for you people. Not enough work, too much work, he can't be a good partner if he's around too much, he can't be a good dad if he's working too much, she's a bad mom if she hires out everything, she's dumb because why wouldn't you hire someone to help with all this money? Etc., etc. This thread is hilarious.

But to be fair, that PP didn't do squat!

- dp

I saw the humor in it too! 75% after the nanny, housekeeper, and regular babysitters leave what? About 15 minutes a day to tend to household/childraising duties. Tedious for realz, guyz!

This is the 75% poster. Thanks for telling me I don't do squat. We have a nanny so I can work full time, but you'll probably tell me my DH is a terrible big law partner for letting his wife work. The housekeeper is so I don't have to spend 4 hours cleaning on the weekend and can rest after working a full week. The babysitter is so I don't have to take a baby with me while I run errands.

Pp, if I were you I’d drop this and move on. You are not helping your case. Sorry for your tough life.

When my kids were little we had a nanny and my work week was like a pie - I would stay incredibly late Monday and Tuesday getting at least 14-16 billable hours each day so I could be home by bedtime Wednesday - Friday which was 8:30 pm and then not work all weekend and still make sure i got what i needed to do done that week. I was an equity partner when i had kids so easier to manage my own schedule than an associate but risky re: waiting to have kids. I lived with very short commute - 10 minutes or less after rush hour so knew I could get home by bedtime

I got the kids up everyday and had breakfast w/ them and got them ready for school, my so did car pool every day. I've done it 3 times ever. Spouse does things around the house they want to do and we hired help to do things they didnt' - it's not worth the resentment to make your spouse do tasks they don't want to do. I took the kids out of the house to the play ground, errands etc.. most weekend days for most of the day to give spouse a break. One key thing I learned is that it is very important not to bring Big Law partner bossiness on how to do anything home to spouse. If you aren't going to do it have to let SO do it their way unless it is really an issue for some reason, not just a preference also be present with the kids when you are with them. that counts more than anyting

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting thread for me, a spouse of a partner track associate. If I had to glean the best advice from these past two pages it would be expect spousal absence and prepare to pay others to fill the gaps.

Pay others or buy a dildo to fill that gap!

there's NO gap there

Anonymous wrote:New poster.

I’m a partner track female associate with young children. For those with biglaw partner spouses, do you feel the trade off of time/money is worth it? I simply can’t imagine it being worth it for my family. Please explain to me. Do your spouse’s ache to spend more time with the family, or is it just the sacrifice they make to provide a great life for the family?

From my own perspective, I ached to spend more time with the kids and DH was driven to work to provide for the family. So after working part time and hiring out everything we could, I made partner and then quit. Importantly, we did not ramp up our lifestyle to meet our (high) income -- so cutting our income nearly in half when I quit was not a big sacrifice.

Anonymous wrote:Interesting thread for me, a spouse of a partner track associate. If I had to glean the best advice from these past two pages it would be expect spousal absence and prepare to pay others to fill the gaps.

Pay others or buy a dildo to fill that gap!

Anonymous wrote:Not directly on point, but I was a biglaw associate and have declined offers to return as a partner because my spouse does not want to stay home with the kids and manage the house. We could have managed with both working, two little kids, and hired help, but it would have been miserable for me (working almost all the time and on kid/house duty the rest). Not worth it.

Sorry I don’t believe you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I manage 75% of our home life (one kid). He handles bedtime. He manages most of our finances, home repairs, lawn, dishes, trash and that's about it. Everything else is on me. We have a housekeeper, nanny and regular babysitters so that I get some support. I knew what I was getting myself into when we got married and knew that I would be the default parent.

LOL. "Some" support? You don't do squat!

God, it's never enough for you people. Not enough work, too much work, he can't be a good partner if he's around too much, he can't be a good dad if he's working too much, she's a bad mom if she hires out everything, she's dumb because why wouldn't you hire someone to help with all this money? Etc., etc. This thread is hilarious.

You’re right but please understand the “LOL” pp is just jealous of the help.

LOL no jealousy at all just amusement at how clueless this poster is. She manages 75 percent of the home life by paying others to do it. Of course, she couldn’t do that if she wasn’t married to a partner making big money. So how exactly is she “managing” any of that more than him? Because it’s her thumb and not his that pushes the Venmo button?

I’m an early retired Biglaw partner sitting by the pool at our second home. We have people who do everything here - the lawn, the pool, the grocery deliveries, you name it. All I do is pay them. So I guess I handle 100 percent of the things that need to be done here, huh? Amazing how I manage to handle all of that while sitting by the pool all day long. Try telling my spouse that I’m soooo busy and see their reaction ha ha.

Not directly on point, but I was a biglaw associate and have declined offers to return as a partner because my spouse does not want to stay home with the kids and manage the house. We could have managed with both working, two little kids, and hired help, but it would have been miserable for me (working almost all the time and on kid/house duty the rest). Not worth it.

If there's a biglaw partner in the house and you're NOT farming out cleaning, errands, and low-quality time with kids (however you define that - maybe carting to sports practices through rush hour traffic), you're doing it wrong. Your time is far more valuable than the time of whoever you could hire. So use the money to buy their time and protect the time you want for the activities you want.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I manage 75% of our home life (one kid). He handles bedtime. He manages most of our finances, home repairs, lawn, dishes, trash and that's about it. Everything else is on me. We have a housekeeper, nanny and regular babysitters so that I get some support. I knew what I was getting myself into when we got married and knew that I would be the default parent.

LOL. "Some" support? You don't do squat!

God, it's never enough for you people. Not enough work, too much work, he can't be a good partner if he's around too much, he can't be a good dad if he's working too much, she's a bad mom if she hires out everything, she's dumb because why wouldn't you hire someone to help with all this money? Etc., etc. This thread is hilarious.

But to be fair, that PP didn't do squat!

- dp

I saw the humor in it too! 75% after the nanny, housekeeper, and regular babysitters leave what? About 15 minutes a day to tend to household/childraising duties. Tedious for realz, guyz!

This is the 75% poster. Thanks for telling me I don't do squat. We have a nanny so I can work full time, but you'll probably tell me my DH is a terrible big law partner for letting his wife work. The housekeeper is so I don't have to spend 4 hours cleaning on the weekend and can rest after working a full week. The babysitter is so I don't have to take a baby with me while I run errands.

Not the PP, but I wanted to say that I never interpreted from your comments that you weren’t working hard for your family. Back of the napkin math the other posters are doing is never accurate. They also neglected overseeing the nanny/cleaners because it’s inevitable that they will have questions or you need to direct them toward what the kids need. Or when you both are taking care of the kids, or DH travels for business, or works late, or needs you to cover for something else, etc. I also don’t blame anyone for getting help if one spouse can’t fully commit like a normal 9-5er when they are doing so to bring in $$$$. And good for you for keeping your job!

I have a partner track spouse, and we have started hiring help to fill in the gaps while I continue full time. I don’t feel guilty about it at all.

Anonymous wrote:I was a biglaw associate, and my best fried is married to a biglaw partner. My BF does everything (and is a SAHM). Her husband has never even put the kids to bed once.

Having been an associate myself, I tend to agree with this comment: "partners have more control over their lives (much of the time) than some would care to admit." I saw female partners who prioritized their family and pushed back on client demands. And I saw male partners who did that, and others who told their families they were totally unavailable when in fact they could've pushed back more.

Good luck OP. It's tough because your spouse may become defensive if you try to address this. But I do think there's often room for biglaw partners to push back more at work and contribute more at home, if they make that a priority.

I can see this. Not a big law partner, but my dad was when I was growing up. I wouldn’t say that he spent a ton of time with us, but he made us feel special when he did. He used to get up early to work, and I went into his office to talk to him every morning for years.
Did you ever read “The Nanny Diaries?” I thought there was such a lovely example in there of a family that maintained a great relationship with the father’s limited availability. (It was a stark contrast to the protagonist’s employers).