Anonymous wrote:OP here - didn't realize this had been moved. I wasn't envisioning that a step-parent should have to act exactly like a a parent, I understand its a different role. But I'd imagine their lives are still hugely impacted.

I'd just been thinking about for all the conflict with DH, at least we both at our core want what's best for our kids as a top priority. I can't imagine being married to someone who wasn't my (3 very young) kids' dad and having to negotiate with them on whether paying for xyz therapy was worth it or them be resentful that i needed to go to bed early b/c the 3yo has sleep issues and just letting him cry it out won't fix it or that I don't think some random nanny can manage them all 3 for a week for us to go on an adults only vacation.

Basically, all the things that I used to think were totally fine and doable and reasonable before I was a parent and could see (and emotionally feel) how not straight forward all these was even if they'd be "fine". It seems very stressful to try to expect someone to accept all these things as a parent when they're not in the role of parent (widow where new husband is only dad etc)

Anonymous wrote:Do you think parents who adopt are second class parents?

Anonymous wrote:My step parent raised me, lloved me, sacrificed for me, but I can just tell she feels something different for the younger two kids who are her children by blood. COuld be different for different people and family situation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the relevant factor here is assuming a situation where the kids still have both biological parents very involved in their lives. Situations where one bio parent is dead or has abandoned the relationship are different.

But in the case of a divorce with 50/50 custody, I think OP is right that it’s rare, and difficult, for the step parent to really love and sacrifice in the same way. It’s not even a limitation of the step parent, really. It’s just that it’s hard to navigate that role when a child already has two involved parents. It’s much more common for the SP to just defer to their spouse on a lot of issues and just seek to establish a mutually respectful and friendly relationship, but distinct from a parental bond.

Also if the SP has their own bio kids, I think that can prevent a tighter bond.

Not saying it never happens but I think it takes all the adults involved to set aside ego to some degree and that’s so unlikely.

But I also don’t think it means the blended family is bad. With joint custody, the SP will also have more breaks from their step kids than most parents get. If you can create a positive relationship, that can often be enough to create family cohesion.

Absolutely agree with this as a mother and as a stepmother. I came into my role as a stepmother of a young teen with an open heart and commitment to love her and sacrifice for her. But there simply isn't the kind of opportunity to parent a stepchild who has two existing parents. Yes, I love her and yes, I have sacrificed a LOT for her. But I can't love and prioritize her like her mother does...not because I don't have the *capacity* to do so, but because I don't have the opportunity to do so. I'm not her mom. I never will be called upon to sacrifice like her mom.

For example, she had a baby two years ago. I love my step-grandchild. When asked, I am happy to take care of him overnight. I offer, often. But my SD did not need or want me in the delivery room. She did not need or want me living side by side with her during the first month after he was born premature. She did not want me waking up in the middle of the night to feed him so she could sleep. I certainly would have been willing to make those sacrifices for her, but I was not called upon to do so, and I think that is totally okay. I have made peace with my presence in her life as a loving, interested adult who loves her dad. I will not ever be her parent, and that's just the nature of the relationship. It's not a deficiency on either of our parts.

What has helped me make peace with it was the unexpected blessing of a child of my own. And I absolutely see the difference. I have sacrificed incalculably more for him simply because I have been called upon to do so, as his mother. He needs me infinitely more than she has ever needed me, and that is okay. If circumstances were different....if my DH was a widower and she had lost her mother very young, I certainly could have loved and prioritized her similarly to how I do my son. But she didn't need that from me.

Anonymous wrote:I think the relevant factor here is assuming a situation where the kids still have both biological parents very involved in their lives. Situations where one bio parent is dead or has abandoned the relationship are different.

But in the case of a divorce with 50/50 custody, I think OP is right that it’s rare, and difficult, for the step parent to really love and sacrifice in the same way. It’s not even a limitation of the step parent, really. It’s just that it’s hard to navigate that role when a child already has two involved parents. It’s much more common for the SP to just defer to their spouse on a lot of issues and just seek to establish a mutually respectful and friendly relationship, but distinct from a parental bond.

Also if the SP has their own bio kids, I think that can prevent a tighter bond.

Not saying it never happens but I think it takes all the adults involved to set aside ego to some degree and that’s so unlikely.

But I also don’t think it means the blended family is bad. With joint custody, the SP will also have more breaks from their step kids than most parents get. If you can create a positive relationship, that can often be enough to create family cohesion.

Anonymous wrote:DH is a much better father to my oldest that his biodad. Examples of things DH does that my kids' dad has never done: He never misses a game, volunteer coaches one of his teams, helps with his homework, knows the name of his doctor and dentist, helps pay for things, goes on vacations with him, attends parent teacher conferences, and on and on and on. However, I feel that our situation is unique and I got really lucky.