Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not all do. Some never say anything bad and instead tear apart the OW/OM and go on about how awful they (themselves) are for doing it.

But, almost all gaslight abs are critical of spouse during the affair.

+100

I see them tear apart, demoralize and throw the OW under the bus as the most common route.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bad humans are often bad in more than one arena.

I remember reading a quote once from a man who would not do business with another man who was cheating on his wife. Let me paraphrase his reasoning, "If he could do that to someone he had loved, imagine how he could treat a mere business acquaintance."

+1 million.

I have always felt this way.

+1

I would never be friends with a woman cheating on her husband for that reason.

It’s cute that you think your friends would tell you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bad humans are often bad in more than one arena.

I remember reading a quote once from a man who would not do business with another man who was cheating on his wife. Let me paraphrase his reasoning, "If he could do that to someone he had loved, imagine how he could treat a mere business acquaintance."

+1 million.

I have always felt this way.

+1

I would never be friends with a woman cheating on her husband for that reason.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I spent a decade with a cheater and I can tell you, it is more about them not wanting to face the truth of themselves. While they are gaslighting you, they are also gaslighting themselves. They want to be the great partner / lover / friend you bought into and cannot imagine a broken version of themself.

Ulitimately it can lead to a massive breakdown.

+100

I have a friend in this situation and am trying to tell him in the nicest possible way it will all blow up in his face but am getting nowhere. "I am not hurting anyone" and "we (he and AP) are just having a little fun." I'm at the point of just walking away from the friendship but I've known him forever and think of him as my little brother--he's six years younger and we grew up together. I still can't reconcile what I know about him (a stand up guy, devoted dad, etc) and this behavior.

Anonymous wrote:Not all do. Some never say anything bad and instead tear apart the OW/OM and go on about how awful they (themselves) are for doing it.

But, almost all gaslight abs are critical of spouse during the affair.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it’s a spectrum, the ones at one end are serial cheaters, they like the thrill, couldn’t care less of anyone in the mix, including children, very selfish people, all about them, and at the other end there are the ones that spent most of the relationship miserable and wondering if there is some way out without hurting everyone, good but weak people that cannot face the music and say openly, hey, I’m really sorry, I don’t think this works anymore, let’s talk and help each other out of this … they don’t want to end up lonely, they still value the thing they have but i is not enough and they don’t want to get the blame for ending the relationship

A lot of men are cake eaters. They are happy at home and no desire to end the marriage, but a side bang once in awhile if they get an arrangement going in a bonus. More men are like this than not. Women are the opposite. Polls of cheating men—vast majority said they were “very happy” in their marriage. That’s the reality and that is like the guy’s friend upthread who goes to great pains to make sure his wife never finds out.

I’m a DW like that guy. Content enough in marriage, just struggling with losing my sex drive then I met a man who set me on fire. Tried to put the breaks on but my desire completely consumed me. I am being extremely careful and trying to figure out how to end it, but so far am unable. I know how that sounds to people who have never been in this situation, but it’s an addiction. I’m trying to find a therapist. I’m trying to do other exciting things in life. I want to keep my family together, but I cannot yet give this situation up. I feel alive again for the first time in a decade.

I will add, I’m really trying to find a way back to my DH. I am not critical or unkind. In fact, I’m trying hard to be more gentle and forgiving. I’m asking him to make more time for us, I’m trying to be intimate with him but he’s gained weight and I find it hard to get excited to be with him. Things are “fine” but we are definitely coasting and I want us to stay together.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes the partner deserves to be cheated on—they are stuck in a marriage and the threat of losing their kids are held over them. So they either leave asap, or cheat for sanity and to buy time.

Life is not black and white. Not all cheaters are bad. Not all faithful spouses are good.

Everyone defines marriage differently. Classic marriage for life between a man and a woman has evolved, as has marital expectations.

There is no such thing as "cheating for sanity".

Frankly, anyone that needy isn't sane to start with, and cheating certainly won't help.

Anonymous wrote:My friend's husband actually sent her postcards from the place he went to with his AP. He was on a business trip and made it sound as though this was a side trip provided by the company he was working with, but it was really just he and his AP off on a jaunt. He had the nerve to write in the card that he and his “friend” had experienced some amazing restaurants!

It was much later that the wife realized what was going on when the card was written and it made her feel kind of sick that he’d gotten some kind of kick out of writing to her about his affair and affair partner while she was still in the dark about it all

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bad humans are often bad in more than one arena.

I remember reading a quote once from a man who would not do business with another man who was cheating on his wife. Let me paraphrase his reasoning, "If he could do that to someone he had loved, imagine how he could treat a mere business acquaintance."

+1 million.

I have always felt this way.

+1

I would never be friends with a woman cheating on her husband for that reason.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend's husband actually sent her postcards from the place he went to with his AP. He was on a business trip and made it sound as though this was a side trip provided by the company he was working with, but it was really just he and his AP off on a jaunt. He had the nerve to write in the card that he and his “friend” had experienced some amazing restaurants!

It was much later that the wife realized what was going on when the card was written and it made her feel kind of sick that he’d gotten some kind of kick out of writing to her about his affair and affair partner while she was still in the dark about it all

Probably thought he was so smart to make up that story. Some people make me ill just thinking about them.

Yep. When he came back, he raved about the beauty of the location and how great the restaurants were. Even talked about taking his wife there someday. Then, much later, my friend finds out that the “friend” he kept referring to was actually the affair partner. Oof.

My friend felt sick when she figured this out and I felt kind of sick too just from her telling me about it. I do think he thought he was clever, writing about what he was doing, but knowing that his wife had no idea what he was really doing.

Anonymous wrote:I’d like to add to this thread the devastating effects on children. I was a preteen when my stepdad started cheating on my mom (when their child, my half-brother, was a toddler) and his AP’s kid was a baby - she was married too. Intuitively - subconsciously - I knew there was something amiss. I’d gone out with a friend one Friday night when my mom was away on business and we came back very late - I thought I’d be in trouble! When I got home, my stepdad very calmly introduced my friend and I to his AP - even though he said she was a “work friend,”my twelve-year-old self knew what was happening WASNT right, and I also knew not to tell my mom. The burden was immense. My mother - being gaslit at the time - became a pretty crappy mother.

The fallout was awful. I had to experience a second divorce before I turned 18. I had to witness my mom go through intense depression and financial difficulties. I had to see my stepdad happily remarry with no regard to my mother, me, or my brother. The selfishness and immaturity is unbelievable. It affected my views about marriage, faithfulness, and commitment to this day. Sidebar: his former AP, now wife’s, child is in a long-term mental institution. My own brother (stepdad’s kid) is very emotionally stunted and unable to maintain emotional intimacy with anyone.

Cheaters don’t think about any of this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bad humans are often bad in more than one arena.

I remember reading a quote once from a man who would not do business with another man who was cheating on his wife. Let me paraphrase his reasoning, "If he could do that to someone he had loved, imagine how he could treat a mere business acquaintance."

+1 million.

I have always felt this way.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bad humans are often bad in more than one arena.

I remember reading a quote once from a man who would not do business with another man who was cheating on his wife. Let me paraphrase his reasoning, "If he could do that to someone he had loved, imagine how he could treat a mere business acquaintance."

+1 million.

I have always felt this way.

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes the partner deserves to be cheated on—they are stuck in a marriage and the threat of losing their kids are held over them. So they either leave asap, or cheat for sanity and to buy time.

Life is not black and white. Not all cheaters are bad. Not all faithful spouses are good.

Everyone defines marriage differently. Classic marriage for life between a man and a woman has evolved, as has marital expectations.