Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By this age, your 17 yr old's wishes would be taken into consideration by a judge. Suggest to DS that he invite his dad to come to HIM, and hang out for an afternoon through dinner. Maybe they could do that once a month and DS could go there one weekend a month.

OP here: that is what I proposed, but dad said absolutely not, no way. He wants his full two weekends a month at his house, end of story.

I just really can't afford to go to court to fight this out, even if a judge would listen. I'm really scared of being held in contempt of court.

Honestly, the way the docket is in many jurisdictions, I wonder if you'd even get a court date before graduation.

This! Let him take you to court. Good luck getting anything decided before your son turns 18.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I also want to add that I have assured my ex that I would NOT seek any additional child support if the schedule changed and DS spent more time with me, so finances can't be playing any role in my ex's decision/thoughts. (It really wouldn't be that much extra time anyway, so any hypothetical impact on child support would be negligible, nor would I ever want to have that fight for just 9 more months of CS).

I'm only raising this because sometimes people say that parents want more time with the kid to get more money, or parents don't want to lose time because then they'll have to pay more money, etc.

Maybe he wants a relationship with his child? He only gets 4 days a month. Have you stopped to consider what that must be like as a parent? Now, you are changing it to two days a month.

If he wants a relationship with his child he needs to be willing to compromise. A senior in high school has a life outside of his parents. The father should be respectful of this. Forcing a kid to spend 2 weekends a month at a place he doesn't want to be is going to drive a wedge between them. This sounds like it's about control, not about having a healthy relationship with his son. My parents were divorced and I spent every weekend with my dad. Once I started driving I did not go there every weekend. I was involved with sports and my friends. I wasn't hanging out at home every weekend with either parent. Instead of acting like a control freak or a child, my dad adjusted his expectations and found other ways to spend time with me. He was always at my sporting events and we'd other go out to dinner after games or practice. Your ex is being unreasonable and he's going to ruin his relationship with his son. I would let him take it to court. Your son turns 18 in less than a year. Let your son plead his case in front of the judge.

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Anonymous wrote:By this age, your 17 yr old's wishes would be taken into consideration by a judge. Suggest to DS that he invite his dad to come to HIM, and hang out for an afternoon through dinner. Maybe they could do that once a month and DS could go there one weekend a month.

OP here: that is what I proposed, but dad said absolutely not, no way. He wants his full two weekends a month at his house, end of story.

I just really can't afford to go to court to fight this out, even if a judge would listen. I'm really scared of being held in contempt of court.

Good luck to your ex in having a close and meaningful relationship with his son if this is how he treats him. Tell your son he is supposed to follow the visitation schedule. When he doesn't and your ex squawks at you tell him you can't force a 17 yr old to see someone he doesn't want to see. Let him take you to court. This should not be expensive - maybe 2-4 hours of attorney billing time. Your son will have to say he doesn't want to go. Judge will rule in his favor.

OP here - how do you know this?

I also don't see how this will only be 2-4 hours of attorney billing time. Last time we had to go to court over a dispute, it was at least 15 hours.

I know the judge will rule in his favor because I've done matrimonial and family law for over 20 years and courts listen to 17 yr olds about their wishes regarding visitation.

OP here: ok, but what if a 17 year old said they NEVER wanted to see the other parent? A court wouldn't grant that, no? Kids still have to spend time with both parents, unless parental rights are terminated. That's how it's always been explained to me.

It's fair to say a judge would require DS to be there at least one weekend a month, right? And I support that. Both because I want DS to have a relationship with his dad, but also, selfishly, as a single parent I do appreciate my occasional kid-free time.

No judgment OP, but this is the problem: you and your ex are on the same side against your kid. You’ve been pitching this as a difference between the kid and ex, but really it’s a convo between you and your kid about how you need some alone weekends too and if he stays home how can you still get that time. Once you and your son are on the same page I bet the ex piece will be easier to figure out.

OP here: This is why I have proposed (to both my ex and my DS) that my DS continue to spend one weekend a month with his dad. I'm fine if it drops from two weekends to one. But my ex is still insisting on both weekends.

Right. But what does your kid say? Is he okay with one weekend?

DS says he doesn't want to "have" to ever go up there on any sort of fixed schedule, but that one weekend would be better than two.

I must be really challenging to be nearing the age of independence and yet be forced to comply with court orders as if you have committed a crime, when you are just an innocent bystander of adults' disputes,

He needs to understand adult choices lead to adult consequences and that if he stops his relationship with Dad, and wants to be an adult, come 18, he needs to pay for his own college and life and not count on Dad.

OP here: this is really neither here nor there, but dad isn't paying for college and has already made that clear. He had to pay for college himself, so he thinks DS should too.

My income is such that I am hoping DS will qualify for significant need-based aid. DS also has good grades and hopefully could get merit scholarships too. I have some saved, but not a ton.

It would be nice if Dad helped but often it does just go by your income so hopefully there is aid. However, bottomline is you are the parent, you tell him he's going and end of discussion. Its 4 days a month.

OP here: again, I have explained to my DS multiple times what the court order says and what contempt of court means and the importance of spending time with his dad. So I am asking what I can *actually* do if my DS physically refuses to get in the car next weekend? Call the cops?

force him to talk to his dad when it is time for his butt to be in the car and its not

I'm sorry op, this is not an easy situation and many of the posters seem to have forgotten what teens are like

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you negotiate all summer next summer in return for no more every other weekend? Sign him up for football camp at his dad's city?

OP: Next summer he will be 18 and a high school graduate and can do whatever he wants, so I don't see how that will be helpful.

it would be a promise between son and dad and a genuine relationship vs court ordered contact

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Anonymous wrote:By this age, your 17 yr old's wishes would be taken into consideration by a judge. Suggest to DS that he invite his dad to come to HIM, and hang out for an afternoon through dinner. Maybe they could do that once a month and DS could go there one weekend a month.

OP here: that is what I proposed, but dad said absolutely not, no way. He wants his full two weekends a month at his house, end of story.

I just really can't afford to go to court to fight this out, even if a judge would listen. I'm really scared of being held in contempt of court.

Good luck to your ex in having a close and meaningful relationship with his son if this is how he treats him. Tell your son he is supposed to follow the visitation schedule. When he doesn't and your ex squawks at you tell him you can't force a 17 yr old to see someone he doesn't want to see. Let him take you to court. This should not be expensive - maybe 2-4 hours of attorney billing time. Your son will have to say he doesn't want to go. Judge will rule in his favor.

OP here - how do you know this?

I also don't see how this will only be 2-4 hours of attorney billing time. Last time we had to go to court over a dispute, it was at least 15 hours.

I know the judge will rule in his favor because I've done matrimonial and family law for over 20 years and courts listen to 17 yr olds about their wishes regarding visitation.

OP here: ok, but what if a 17 year old said they NEVER wanted to see the other parent? A court wouldn't grant that, no? Kids still have to spend time with both parents, unless parental rights are terminated. That's how it's always been explained to me.

It's fair to say a judge would require DS to be there at least one weekend a month, right? And I support that. Both because I want DS to have a relationship with his dad, but also, selfishly, as a single parent I do appreciate my occasional kid-free time.

No judgment OP, but this is the problem: you and your ex are on the same side against your kid. You’ve been pitching this as a difference between the kid and ex, but really it’s a convo between you and your kid about how you need some alone weekends too and if he stays home how can you still get that time. Once you and your son are on the same page I bet the ex piece will be easier to figure out.

OP here: This is why I have proposed (to both my ex and my DS) that my DS continue to spend one weekend a month with his dad. I'm fine if it drops from two weekends to one. But my ex is still insisting on both weekends.

Right. But what does your kid say? Is he okay with one weekend?

DS says he doesn't want to "have" to ever go up there on any sort of fixed schedule, but that one weekend would be better than two.

I must be really challenging to be nearing the age of independence and yet be forced to comply with court orders as if you have committed a crime, when you are just an innocent bystander of adults' disputes,

He needs to understand adult choices lead to adult consequences and that if he stops his relationship with Dad, and wants to be an adult, come 18, he needs to pay for his own college and life and not count on Dad.

OP here: this is really neither here nor there, but dad isn't paying for college and has already made that clear. He had to pay for college himself, so he thinks DS should too.

My income is such that I am hoping DS will qualify for significant need-based aid. DS also has good grades and hopefully could get merit scholarships too. I have some saved, but not a ton.

It would be nice if Dad helped but often it does just go by your income so hopefully there is aid. However, bottomline is you are the parent, you tell him he's going and end of discussion. Its 4 days a month.

OP here: again, I have explained to my DS multiple times what the court order says and what contempt of court means and the importance of spending time with his dad. So I am asking what I can *actually* do if my DS physically refuses to get in the car next weekend? Call the cops?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By this age, your 17 yr old's wishes would be taken into consideration by a judge. Suggest to DS that he invite his dad to come to HIM, and hang out for an afternoon through dinner. Maybe they could do that once a month and DS could go there one weekend a month.

OP here: that is what I proposed, but dad said absolutely not, no way. He wants his full two weekends a month at his house, end of story.

I just really can't afford to go to court to fight this out, even if a judge would listen. I'm really scared of being held in contempt of court.

Good luck to your ex in having a close and meaningful relationship with his son if this is how he treats him. Tell your son he is supposed to follow the visitation schedule. When he doesn't and your ex squawks at you tell him you can't force a 17 yr old to see someone he doesn't want to see. Let him take you to court. This should not be expensive - maybe 2-4 hours of attorney billing time. Your son will have to say he doesn't want to go. Judge will rule in his favor.

OP here - how do you know this?

I also don't see how this will only be 2-4 hours of attorney billing time. Last time we had to go to court over a dispute, it was at least 15 hours.

I know the judge will rule in his favor because I've done matrimonial and family law for over 20 years and courts listen to 17 yr olds about their wishes regarding visitation.

That's lovely, but in no universe does going to court involve only 2-4 billable hours for an attorney.

This would not involve GOING to court. It's all filed pleadings. And this is a very simple issue.

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Anonymous wrote:By this age, your 17 yr old's wishes would be taken into consideration by a judge. Suggest to DS that he invite his dad to come to HIM, and hang out for an afternoon through dinner. Maybe they could do that once a month and DS could go there one weekend a month.

OP here: that is what I proposed, but dad said absolutely not, no way. He wants his full two weekends a month at his house, end of story.

I just really can't afford to go to court to fight this out, even if a judge would listen. I'm really scared of being held in contempt of court.

Good luck to your ex in having a close and meaningful relationship with his son if this is how he treats him. Tell your son he is supposed to follow the visitation schedule. When he doesn't and your ex squawks at you tell him you can't force a 17 yr old to see someone he doesn't want to see. Let him take you to court. This should not be expensive - maybe 2-4 hours of attorney billing time. Your son will have to say he doesn't want to go. Judge will rule in his favor.

OP here - how do you know this?

I also don't see how this will only be 2-4 hours of attorney billing time. Last time we had to go to court over a dispute, it was at least 15 hours.

I know the judge will rule in his favor because I've done matrimonial and family law for over 20 years and courts listen to 17 yr olds about their wishes regarding visitation.

OP here: ok, but what if a 17 year old said they NEVER wanted to see the other parent? A court wouldn't grant that, no? Kids still have to spend time with both parents, unless parental rights are terminated. That's how it's always been explained to me.

It's fair to say a judge would require DS to be there at least one weekend a month, right? And I support that. Both because I want DS to have a relationship with his dad, but also, selfishly, as a single parent I do appreciate my occasional kid-free time.

No judgment OP, but this is the problem: you and your ex are on the same side against your kid. You’ve been pitching this as a difference between the kid and ex, but really it’s a convo between you and your kid about how you need some alone weekends too and if he stays home how can you still get that time. Once you and your son are on the same page I bet the ex piece will be easier to figure out.

OP here: This is why I have proposed (to both my ex and my DS) that my DS continue to spend one weekend a month with his dad. I'm fine if it drops from two weekends to one. But my ex is still insisting on both weekends.

Right. But what does your kid say? Is he okay with one weekend?

DS says he doesn't want to "have" to ever go up there on any sort of fixed schedule, but that one weekend would be better than two.

I must be really challenging to be nearing the age of independence and yet be forced to comply with court orders as if you have committed a crime, when you are just an innocent bystander of adults' disputes,

He needs to understand adult choices lead to adult consequences and that if he stops his relationship with Dad, and wants to be an adult, come 18, he needs to pay for his own college and life and not count on Dad.

OP here: this is really neither here nor there, but dad isn't paying for college and has already made that clear. He had to pay for college himself, so he thinks DS should too.

My income is such that I am hoping DS will qualify for significant need-based aid. DS also has good grades and hopefully could get merit scholarships too. I have some saved, but not a ton.

It would be nice if Dad helped but often it does just go by your income so hopefully there is aid. However, bottomline is you are the parent, you tell him he's going and end of discussion. Its 4 days a month.

Other posters are correct that there is not way filing this through your attorney would be only 2-4 hours of time. That said, it may be worth paying for an hour or two of time to consult on the issue and get a sense of how a court is likely to rule on a request by your son to get a sense of how it’s likely to go. Then your son would have more information to decide whether he wants to file something on his own with the court.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By this age, your 17 yr old's wishes would be taken into consideration by a judge. Suggest to DS that he invite his dad to come to HIM, and hang out for an afternoon through dinner. Maybe they could do that once a month and DS could go there one weekend a month.

OP here: that is what I proposed, but dad said absolutely not, no way. He wants his full two weekends a month at his house, end of story.

I just really can't afford to go to court to fight this out, even if a judge would listen. I'm really scared of being held in contempt of court.

Good luck to your ex in having a close and meaningful relationship with his son if this is how he treats him. Tell your son he is supposed to follow the visitation schedule. When he doesn't and your ex squawks at you tell him you can't force a 17 yr old to see someone he doesn't want to see. Let him take you to court. This should not be expensive - maybe 2-4 hours of attorney billing time. Your son will have to say he doesn't want to go. Judge will rule in his favor.

OP here - how do you know this?

I also don't see how this will only be 2-4 hours of attorney billing time. Last time we had to go to court over a dispute, it was at least 15 hours.

I know the judge will rule in his favor because I've done matrimonial and family law for over 20 years and courts listen to 17 yr olds about their wishes regarding visitation.

OP here: ok, but what if a 17 year old said they NEVER wanted to see the other parent? A court wouldn't grant that, no? Kids still have to spend time with both parents, unless parental rights are terminated. That's how it's always been explained to me.

It's fair to say a judge would require DS to be there at least one weekend a month, right? And I support that. Both because I want DS to have a relationship with his dad, but also, selfishly, as a single parent I do appreciate my occasional kid-free time.

No judgment OP, but this is the problem: you and your ex are on the same side against your kid. You’ve been pitching this as a difference between the kid and ex, but really it’s a convo between you and your kid about how you need some alone weekends too and if he stays home how can you still get that time. Once you and your son are on the same page I bet the ex piece will be easier to figure out.

OP here: This is why I have proposed (to both my ex and my DS) that my DS continue to spend one weekend a month with his dad. I'm fine if it drops from two weekends to one. But my ex is still insisting on both weekends.

Right. But what does your kid say? Is he okay with one weekend?

DS says he doesn't want to "have" to ever go up there on any sort of fixed schedule, but that one weekend would be better than two.

I must be really challenging to be nearing the age of independence and yet be forced to comply with court orders as if you have committed a crime, when you are just an innocent bystander of adults' disputes,

He needs to understand adult choices lead to adult consequences and that if he stops his relationship with Dad, and wants to be an adult, come 18, he needs to pay for his own college and life and not count on Dad.

OP here: this is really neither here nor there, but dad isn't paying for college and has already made that clear. He had to pay for college himself, so he thinks DS should too.

My income is such that I am hoping DS will qualify for significant need-based aid. DS also has good grades and hopefully could get merit scholarships too. I have some saved, but not a ton.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By this age, your 17 yr old's wishes would be taken into consideration by a judge. Suggest to DS that he invite his dad to come to HIM, and hang out for an afternoon through dinner. Maybe they could do that once a month and DS could go there one weekend a month.

OP here: that is what I proposed, but dad said absolutely not, no way. He wants his full two weekends a month at his house, end of story.

I just really can't afford to go to court to fight this out, even if a judge would listen. I'm really scared of being held in contempt of court.

Honestly, the way the docket is in many jurisdictions, I wonder if you'd even get a court date before graduation.

Dad gets 4 days a month. You reducing it to that is not fair to Dad.

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Anonymous wrote:OP here: I also want to add that I have assured my ex that I would NOT seek any additional child support if the schedule changed and DS spent more time with me, so finances can't be playing any role in my ex's decision/thoughts. (It really wouldn't be that much extra time anyway, so any hypothetical impact on child support would be negligible, nor would I ever want to have that fight for just 9 more months of CS).

I'm only raising this because sometimes people say that parents want more time with the kid to get more money, or parents don't want to lose time because then they'll have to pay more money, etc.

How much extra child support do you think you'd get by him losing two days a month? You already have full custody. It does sound like there is more to this.

I already said any impact would be negligible, which is why I explained I would never seek more child support.

I was trying to preempt anyone accusing me of wanting to get more money, or accusing my ex of not wanting to pay more money. I'm saying this isn't a factor, at all. CS hasn't changed in over 4 years, even when I was laid off, and I don't care at this point. It isn't worth the fight.

It sounds like this really is about more, possibly money. You aren't going to get a huge amount of child support extra for those two days a month. It does sound like a big factor as you are the one raising child support.

The issue is Dad has 4 days a month with his child. You are now at best reducing it to two days, possibly none. He wants to be a father and you're not supporting it. Come up with an alternative schedule so he keeps his 4 days a month.

Good grief. I've said several times now. This is not about money, at all. I do not want more CS, nor do I expect it, nor would I even take it if it was offered to me. It. Isn't. A. Factor. Sorry for preemptively trying to clarify that. I'm sorry I even mentioned it. I just didn't want to be accused of trying to get more money, as moms so frequently are on these boards.

Then, tell your son, this is the schedule, we are sticking to it but if something comes up, like a dance or test or something, we will ask Dad to switch weekends and be done with it. You are the parent. You do not debate this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By this age, your 17 yr old's wishes would be taken into consideration by a judge. Suggest to DS that he invite his dad to come to HIM, and hang out for an afternoon through dinner. Maybe they could do that once a month and DS could go there one weekend a month.

OP here: that is what I proposed, but dad said absolutely not, no way. He wants his full two weekends a month at his house, end of story.

I just really can't afford to go to court to fight this out, even if a judge would listen. I'm really scared of being held in contempt of court.

Honestly, the way the docket is in many jurisdictions, I wonder if you'd even get a court date before graduation.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By this age, your 17 yr old's wishes would be taken into consideration by a judge. Suggest to DS that he invite his dad to come to HIM, and hang out for an afternoon through dinner. Maybe they could do that once a month and DS could go there one weekend a month.

OP here: that is what I proposed, but dad said absolutely not, no way. He wants his full two weekends a month at his house, end of story.

I just really can't afford to go to court to fight this out, even if a judge would listen. I'm really scared of being held in contempt of court.

Good luck to your ex in having a close and meaningful relationship with his son if this is how he treats him. Tell your son he is supposed to follow the visitation schedule. When he doesn't and your ex squawks at you tell him you can't force a 17 yr old to see someone he doesn't want to see. Let him take you to court. This should not be expensive - maybe 2-4 hours of attorney billing time. Your son will have to say he doesn't want to go. Judge will rule in his favor.

OP here - how do you know this?

I also don't see how this will only be 2-4 hours of attorney billing time. Last time we had to go to court over a dispute, it was at least 15 hours.

I know the judge will rule in his favor because I've done matrimonial and family law for over 20 years and courts listen to 17 yr olds about their wishes regarding visitation.

OP here: ok, but what if a 17 year old said they NEVER wanted to see the other parent? A court wouldn't grant that, no? Kids still have to spend time with both parents, unless parental rights are terminated. That's how it's always been explained to me.

It's fair to say a judge would require DS to be there at least one weekend a month, right? And I support that. Both because I want DS to have a relationship with his dad, but also, selfishly, as a single parent I do appreciate my occasional kid-free time.

No judgment OP, but this is the problem: you and your ex are on the same side against your kid. You’ve been pitching this as a difference between the kid and ex, but really it’s a convo between you and your kid about how you need some alone weekends too and if he stays home how can you still get that time. Once you and your son are on the same page I bet the ex piece will be easier to figure out.

OP here: This is why I have proposed (to both my ex and my DS) that my DS continue to spend one weekend a month with his dad. I'm fine if it drops from two weekends to one. But my ex is still insisting on both weekends.

Right. But what does your kid say? Is he okay with one weekend?

DS says he doesn't want to "have" to ever go up there on any sort of fixed schedule, but that one weekend would be better than two.

I must be really challenging to be nearing the age of independence and yet be forced to comply with court orders as if you have committed a crime, when you are just an innocent bystander of adults' disputes,

He needs to understand adult choices lead to adult consequences and that if he stops his relationship with Dad, and wants to be an adult, come 18, he needs to pay for his own college and life and not count on Dad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I also want to add that I have assured my ex that I would NOT seek any additional child support if the schedule changed and DS spent more time with me, so finances can't be playing any role in my ex's decision/thoughts. (It really wouldn't be that much extra time anyway, so any hypothetical impact on child support would be negligible, nor would I ever want to have that fight for just 9 more months of CS).

I'm only raising this because sometimes people say that parents want more time with the kid to get more money, or parents don't want to lose time because then they'll have to pay more money, etc.

How much extra child support do you think you'd get by him losing two days a month? You already have full custody. It does sound like there is more to this.

I already said any impact would be negligible, which is why I explained I would never seek more child support.

I was trying to preempt anyone accusing me of wanting to get more money, or accusing my ex of not wanting to pay more money. I'm saying this isn't a factor, at all. CS hasn't changed in over 4 years, even when I was laid off, and I don't care at this point. It isn't worth the fight.

It sounds like this really is about more, possibly money. You aren't going to get a huge amount of child support extra for those two days a month. It does sound like a big factor as you are the one raising child support.

The issue is Dad has 4 days a month with his child. You are now at best reducing it to two days, possibly none. He wants to be a father and you're not supporting it. Come up with an alternative schedule so he keeps his 4 days a month.

Good grief. I've said several times now. This is not about money, at all. I do not want more CS, nor do I expect it, nor would I even take it if it was offered to me. It. Isn't. A. Factor. Sorry for preemptively trying to clarify that. I'm sorry I even mentioned it. I just didn't want to be accused of trying to get more money, as moms so frequently are on these boards.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I also want to add that I have assured my ex that I would NOT seek any additional child support if the schedule changed and DS spent more time with me, so finances can't be playing any role in my ex's decision/thoughts. (It really wouldn't be that much extra time anyway, so any hypothetical impact on child support would be negligible, nor would I ever want to have that fight for just 9 more months of CS).

I'm only raising this because sometimes people say that parents want more time with the kid to get more money, or parents don't want to lose time because then they'll have to pay more money, etc.

Maybe he wants a relationship with his child? He only gets 4 days a month. Have you stopped to consider what that must be like as a parent? Now, you are changing it to two days a month.

OP here: I am not the one trying to change it to one weekend a month. I have no problem with continuing to follow the schedule, as it currently stands, until DS turns 18. I have said multiple times I think it's important for my DS to have a relationship with his dad and spend time with his dad. I would happily follow that schedule until high school graduation.

This didn't become an issue until DS said "I'm a high school senior now and I won't do this schedule anymore." I'm sympathetic to DS's desires given his age and everything he's busy with. Which is why I've been trying to find a compromise.

You tell your child this is the schedule and you will follow it. If he refuses, there will be consequences and be clear on what it is. Its fine to be sympathetic and ask dad to change a weekend or two but you need to be firm that this is the schedule and Dad and I are sticking to it. When he is 18/graduates then it is his choice.