I think a reasonable solution/compromise is to help out your H's parents, but that's it. Siblings are able bodies adults. If most of the family require bail out, then it's time to reconsider the event.

Having watched my parents helping my dad's siblings financially for decades that left us scrimping, we just don't want to set up the precedent.

OP here… thanks for the input. It’s a small wedding with immediate family only (bride/groom paying for wedding themselves), so maybe this is why they chose to do a destination wedding. I don’t think my SIL has an issue with her parents, actually. I think she is either a little dense or inconsiderate. With it being such a small wedding I’m sure they are thinking everyone will come… I’m really not sure. I suppose because they are paying for it themselves they are meeting it small and doing what they want to do. I feel like they should have budgeted to help parents out or something at least, though.

OP, sorry all your ILs are crazy irresponsible.

The siblings in particular have some gall to ask for help.

An invitation is not a summons, but the fact that someone is sending a gigantic FU does not require anyone to accept delivery. Pay for the parents because they evidently want to go, and that's understandable. If he wants to go with his parents, he should, because someone needs to look out for them and it clearly won't be the self-absorbed bride and groom. But everyone else can either pay for themselves or stay home. This wedding is going to suck because the bride and groom suck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is SIL your DHs sister? So the parents in question are DH's parents? If that's the case then I might help them out. If it's a more remote relation then no way.

Yes, that’s the relationship. I want DH’s parents to go, obviously… but I feel like this isn’t our responsibility and it’s not chump change for us either

Agree, but in my DH's family I could see us paying for DHs parents if needed. That said, it sounds like they aren't paying for any of the wedding itself, despite the fact that it is their daughter, so it does seem like they should be able to afford their own travel.

They’re on a fixed income and aren’t able to pay for a wedding or $4k for travel. This is probably not uncommon

Maybe you should skip the wedding and let your husband take his parents. That'll save you money, and obviously you don;t want to go anyway.

+1 This is an option if money is truly tight. It doesn't sound like it is though...it sounds like you're just annoyed to be paying for a wedding which you didn't choose to pay for (which is totally fair.) But weddings are important events, and this can be your big gift from your family to SIL (no wedding gift needed, baby gift can be a tiny present when that time comes

The OP and her DH could end up spending $15,000 on her SIL wedding. That's a ridiculous amount of money. 2 couples 4000=8000 plus 2 single sibs 2000 plus meals and incidentals.

If OP had huge income she might not have posted. Pay nothing except for DH. This wedding planning is too rude.

Tell him it’s your money, too, so if he’s going to buy his parents’ tickets, you’re not going to save the cost of one airfare.

Anonymous wrote:I live on the west coast. Tickets to the east coast are 1k right now. That's 2k for 2 people. Hotel rooms anywhere are $300 a night right now, minimum. Four nights is $1200. So, that's $3200 for a domestic wedding. 4k is not that expensive.

Maybe it depends on the specific cities/dates--but I just did a google flight search and I'm finding non stops from Los Angeles to Washington DC for less than $250 round trip.

Anonymous wrote:Take your family budget and send the bride’s parents. You and DH stay home with the siblings who can’t go. Tell the bride that’s all you can afford.

This. Also, expensive destination weddings are extremely selfish if you actually expect people to come.

I live on the west coast. Tickets to the east coast are 1k right now. That's 2k for 2 people. Hotel rooms anywhere are $300 a night right now, minimum. Four nights is $1200. So, that's $3200 for a domestic wedding. 4k is not that expensive.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I absolutely would not pay for this. Your SIL sounds selfish and self- absorbed and if it were me, I would discourage my husband from enabling this behavior. It’s just the start if you don’t stop it now.

Did SIL ask anyone to pay for her parents? Or siblings? Maybe she just wants a wedding where she wants it. An invitation is not a summons.

Sorry but an invitation to your CHILD'S wedding is a summons.

I don't get how flights could be 4k for a couple. Where are you going- Bali?

All-inclusive resort plus flight for a couple is $4k

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hell no. Your husband is not responsible for funding his sisters dream wedding. What’s next giving her a down payment for a house? No no no.

The entire family is irresponsible. The bride for organizing a wedding that cost $4000 a couple snd that her own parents cannot afford, the parents, instead of telling the daughter what she did was not right , go around to other family members begging for money, the siblings who cannot afford it same, go around begging. You are asked to shell out $12,000 for the wedding? I am kicking, but for that price I would request a written warranty that the marriage is going to last at least 10 years of they refund you. These people are a bunch of irresponsible people and frankly with little shame

This.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is SIL your DHs sister? So the parents in question are DH's parents? If that's the case then I might help them out. If it's a more remote relation then no way.

Yes, that’s the relationship. I want DH’s parents to go, obviously… but I feel like this isn’t our responsibility and it’s not chump change for us either

Agree, but in my DH's family I could see us paying for DHs parents if needed. That said, it sounds like they aren't paying for any of the wedding itself, despite the fact that it is their daughter, so it does seem like they should be able to afford their own travel.

They’re on a fixed income and aren’t able to pay for a wedding or $4k for travel. This is probably not uncommon

Maybe you should skip the wedding and let your husband take his parents. That'll save you money, and obviously you don;t want to go anyway.

+1 This is an option if money is truly tight. It doesn't sound like it is though...it sounds like you're just annoyed to be paying for a wedding which you didn't choose to pay for (which is totally fair.) But weddings are important events, and this can be your big gift from your family to SIL (no wedding gift needed, baby gift can be a tiny present when that time comes

Anonymous wrote:This seems like a clear message that SIL does not want her parents there. It’s honestly a huge FU to them. Do they have a strained relationship? I can’t imagine a child with a good relationship with their parents planning a wedding they knew their parents couldn’t afford to attend and not offering to pay.

This is my guess. And we have no way of knowing who is the bad guy here. Maybe SIL doesn't want her horrible relatives at her wedding.

no.

This seems like a clear message that SIL does not want her parents there. It’s honestly a huge FU to them. Do they have a strained relationship? I can’t imagine a child with a good relationship with their parents planning a wedding they knew their parents couldn’t afford to attend and not offering to pay.