Anonymous wrote:
Do we have an "obligation" of sorts to bring job offers/discussion to each other, or to each their own to manage their own career and pay?

These are 2 different questions -

Does spouse have an obligation of sorts to bring job offers to each other?
Yes, I’d expect spouse to talk to me if they were looking.

Is up to each person to manage their own career & pay? Also yes.

You are positing these things as an “either/or” situation, which they are not. I think spouse should discuss thoughts about job changes, AND the person making a change should be in charge of the decision making.

Maybe I say this as person with a stable spouse who makes decent decisions. I guess if he were like, hey, I want to quit & go make minimum wage at McDonald’s, I’d maybe feel differently. But even then, if that’s what he really wanted or I wanted, I feel like we’d make it happen.

Maybe the in the dark spouse has a pattern of overstepping bounds (like would demand a say in the decision making, or push the spouse into the job for the 15% increase even though it’s not good for the person’s career)? Maybe spouse has a reason for not mentioning it - bc their spouse has a pattern of trying to take over & make the decision for them.

If you are the in the dark spouse, something to consider - bc the way you set this up as an “either/or” makes me think you could be a spouse with this pattern.

Anonymous wrote:This is the kind of thing that like, the spouse with the offer has the decision making power, but normal people who love each other talk about these things, so it is less that spouse two is entitled to the information than it is that the fact that spouse one hid it implies that there is not a lot of openness and trust between you.

I think the exception is if this was kind of more like, a nonevent. Like did spouse one apply for this job? Or did they pull them in for an interview and spouse one never really took it seriously at all so it wasn't on their mind? If the latter then less a big deal than the former.

Agree with this poster.

I'm in the middle.

I would tell him, but I also think job holder gets to unilaterally career decisions when it doesn't involve a change of hours/commute/move/decrease in salary, etc. You didn't lose anything by him turning down a job offer.

Anonymous wrote:Team spouse 2. If you want to live like spouse 1, get divorce. you are not a couple.

+1 do couples really not discuss changes in their lives?

Yes, spouses should discuss these things.

That said, my DH did not disclose anything about his job search/offers to me when he was looking unless I brought it up.

He should STILL be looking, but he isn't.

I'm frustrated.

Anonymous wrote:Trying to figure out if I'm being unreasonable or my spouse is being unreasonable, or if it's nothing.

Spouse one - interviewed internally for a new job, received offer, 15% pay raise, turned it down for losing security clearance which is too much of a negative at this point. Didn't think it necessary to tell spouse two since the job was turned down.

Spouse two - thinks all job offers from either spouse should be discussed with pros and cons considered, even if one spouse has made up their mind.

Both spouses work and are well paid, almost equally.

Do we have an "obligation" of sorts to bring job offers/discussion to each other, or to each their own to manage their own career and pay?

Only share what you would actually seriously consider taking. Otherwise, it’s opening a can of “we could haves” over nothing. We could have moved into the bigger house. We could have sent DC to the better school. We could have gone to Bali for our 15th. What doesn’t get brought up is the negative consequences. I could have doubled my commute. You could have had all the PM pickups and driving to activities because my schedule is inflexible.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, sorry, I was in a meeting. But this is interesting. I'm spouse 2, and my husband just dropped into conversation like super casual that I was offered a job but turned it down. It would have been work from home, and his commute is significant, 45 miles each way. I also work from home so it wouldn't have been ideal for me, but we never even discussed it. I was just sort of stunned that this is considered acceptable for him, to unilaterally make a decision that affects everyone.

Obligation wasn't the right word. I just feel like this falls squarely into "we're a team, we should operate as a team" category. I wouldn't dream of taking or not taking a job without just checking in and having conversation. It just wouldn't be a question. I also recently interviewed for a job, decided after two rounds that it wasn't for me, and communicated the whole thing to him as I went. So the fact that he was also doing this internally and never brought it up is shady to me.

I would expect it to come up in conversation in my marriage, but he gets to pick his job. I wouldn't dream of telling me spouse what job to take or not take, even when money has been tight.

I wouldn't either. Not sure where being upset that it wasn't even discussed translated into me thinking I could tell him what job to take.

Because you are upset he "unilaterally" made the decision - the alternative is that you make the decision together, which means you do have some say over which job he takes.

I can see feeling different ways depending on the exact circumstances, honestly. If the current job had issues that put a burden on our home, then I'd expect the decision to be made more in consultation. Or if the new job would have issues that would put a burden on the home.

If it's all more or less a wash for you - not a significant change in salary, not having to move, or other stuff - then I figure the other person would talk about it if they think it's important or want to hear your thoughts. Otherwise, go ahead and turn it down on your own.

Does this fit into a bigger pattern of feeling like you're not working as a team, together?

I am guilty of that myself, making unilateral decisions

if it changes family dynamics or relocation, increases the burden on the other spouse, decreases income those should absolutely be discussed.

Anonymous wrote:Trying to figure out if I'm being unreasonable or my spouse is being unreasonable, or if it's nothing.

Spouse one - interviewed internally for a new job, received offer, 15% pay raise, turned it down for losing security clearance which is too much of a negative at this point. Didn't think it necessary to tell spouse two since the job was turned down.

Spouse two - thinks all job offers from either spouse should be discussed with pros and cons considered, even if one spouse has made up their mind.

Both spouses work and are well paid, almost equally.

Do we have an "obligation" of sorts to bring job offers/discussion to each other, or to each their own to manage their own career and pay?

Major ones yes. Hopping around Club Fed every couple years, ehhh, should probably come up.

Most things should be shared naturally w one’s spouse .hopes, dreams, worries, concerns.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, sorry, I was in a meeting. But this is interesting. I'm spouse 2, and my husband just dropped into conversation like super casual that I was offered a job but turned it down. It would have been work from home, and his commute is significant, 45 miles each way. I also work from home so it wouldn't have been ideal for me, but we never even discussed it. I was just sort of stunned that this is considered acceptable for him, to unilaterally make a decision that affects everyone.

Obligation wasn't the right word. I just feel like this falls squarely into "we're a team, we should operate as a team" category. I wouldn't dream of taking or not taking a job without just checking in and having conversation. It just wouldn't be a question. I also recently interviewed for a job, decided after two rounds that it wasn't for me, and communicated the whole thing to him as I went. So the fact that he was also doing this internally and never brought it up is shady to me.

I would feel this way if he took the job, but not that he turned it down.

In our family, we definitely discuss career plans and thoughts about changes. That said, I can see either of us throwing our hat in the ring for an internal position and not thinking it was a necessary thing to discuss unless seriously considering accepting an offier.

I agree with this - turning down an internal offer that seemed like an easy choice is less of a "big family decision" than taking a new job. The exception would be if you'd been discussing for months how eliminating his commute would improve your family life, but it doesn't sound like that is the case.

I don’t love the implication that this is a joint decision that both of you need to take together. He would have to do the job so ultimately he decides.

But yes, very weird that you wouldn’t discuss these things together just in normal conversation.

Sounds like a very strange marriage to me.

It's quick to assume and ask obvious questions, but as I see here and for possibly the same reason I found this poll, sometimes partnerships are not normal. Sometimes one partner's opinion/beliefs/values become overbearing to the point the alternate partner is hesitant to give too much food for, let's say, criticism and belittling?

Anonymous wrote:I think context matters. It depends on 1. How much the family is struggling financially and 2. How much of the workload at home the other spouse is taking on.

If, say, Spouse 1 works at a startup making barely anything, working 60-80 hour weeks so Spouse 2 has to handle everything at home, and the family is struggling financially - then yea, I'd be pretty upset if my spouse was offered a well-paying, flexible job and turned it down.

But if salaries and workload are relatively the same, and they turned it down because they would have hated the job, I wouldn't care.

+1 it sounds like his commute bothers you so I wonder if there is something more going on like you feel you are doing more at home than he is or something and this might have helped even that out so you would have liked him to consider that. I think I would want to know my husband weighed that (and was aware of it!) and be feeling like oh he didn’t tell me because he doesn’t want to think about the fact I would prefer that. Not saying that is the case but I wonder if there is something like that going on.

My husband works in a very specialized field that limits his options geographically and if he got an offer somewhere that would be better for our family I think it would be hard if he just turned it down with out talking to me. The fact that he was interested enough to interview for it means he was on some level considering it. My husband was really annoyed once when I didn’t want to apply for a promotion that would have had a pay increase with no job description charge (but Moore expectations). It came up just talking normally and he convinced me to apply and I did and I think I’m glad. We don’t desperately need the money but I guess it’s good. I do think these things generally come up though…?