[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Ok, forgive in advance as I know we are very lucky. But can’t ask friends these questions. Have a great job that lets me work remotely. It is mentally exhausting though with high pressure deadlines and lots of late night calls. Mid - 30s, been with the company for 10+ years. Make 280 plus typically 15% bonus each year. Have actually outearned my husband for last 10 years, though based on titles no one expects that (including my In-laws who see my job as a wfh nice mom job ) 2 boys and an 18 month girl under 7. Husband just made partner at his firm. Super amazing dad, but his travel is going to be significant. I am exhausted. Have nanny but feeling down and like our lives are outsourced. Has anyone given up a good paying job, knowing it will slice your household income in half, but you are still happy 5+ years down the road that you made that choice? It’d be tighter in the short term, but in 3-4 yrs we’d probably end up financially where we are today. Or, is it better to just push through the toddler/young years that are exhausting because it’ll get easier and it’s ultimately worth it, particularly when it’s mostly wfh. Add on to this that our public schools suck and we’re not Catholic, but we love where we live. So, should I quit, we likely can’t afford privates for all three all the way through, so would have to move.

[/quote]

PUSH THROUGH.

Or at the very least make a plan to have some sort of work and income of your own. It is short-sighted to quit. You have no idea what the future holds. You may very well find yourself in a situation where you need to support yourself and your kids.[/quote]

Just curious - do you have three kids yourself?[/quote]

No. I only have two and I ramped down in my marriage to be the one always there. Once you do that you will never be able to fully ramp back up or get your spouse to take an active role in family management. So just be really sure what you are getting yourself into.

Second, I'm at an age where divorces are happening left and right. Some are mutual. Some are not. Two weeks ago a friend told me her husband asked for a divorce out of the blue. A month or so ago a HS classmate of mine died leaving a wife and four kids.

I think women are short-sighted to leave the workforce to take on the full weight of family responsibilities when they have a job they love and have enough income to outsource running the house. You're also passing the message on to your daughters that it's the mother's role to make the sacrifice.

OP asked for advice/opinions and that's mine.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, wow - thanks! Just read through the comments. 90% of these were really thoughtful and reassuring. It’s absolutely that I want more time with my kids and adore them. Our youngest is the easiest and it makes my heart hurt when she wants me instead of our nanny and I have to lock myself in my office. That being said - I do take off from 5-7:30 so I’m with them and make dinner every night, it’s more just the mental exhaustion and feeling while lying in bed at bedtime with them - crap, I need to finish this for X meeting by tomorrow at 8, and need to respond to this so let me think through now my recommendation. And oh, schedule a physical and run payroll for our nanny, and pick up dry cleaning, and it’s snack Saturday for the soccer game - and - is he making enough friends, how is our middle adjusting, etc etc, like so many of us!

Appreciate too that there is no right path, and that so many of us are in this situation !! Thanks all, and think it helps to look at it as - it’s all upside so I shouldn’t feel guilty for asking for ramp down for a few years. Think the achiever in me (and many of us maybe) just feels like it is letting work down / wuss if out if you ask for flex.

Anyway - really just responding based on the final few comments — please don’t let this chain discourage anyone from having three! It’s crazy, but can’t imagine a life without all this love.

That’s how my job was, and I just left it. My husband does a ton of child- and housework, too. It just takes so much to maintain a household. I was burned out from the switching back and forth. And as we WFH, kids don’t understand the here-but-not-here very well. If they can see or hear us, they think we’re “home”, regardless of who else is in the home watching them. And I can hear them, too. It’s super distracting.

I bet you’ll find a job that’s a better fit before long, or not, and that’s cool too!

That’s interesting - I would think WFH would make life easier on working parents. Do you think there’s more women like you making that choice even with flexibility?

It does in some ways. No commute is awesome! But the blending of work and family is not easy. I’m always at work and always at home….

I know someone who did this. Quit and went cold turkey. She is driving herself NUTS trying to justify it. She thinks she has to be super mom and make everything perfect to make it worthwhile. I'm with the PP who said TAKE A BREAK. Unpaid leave if you have to.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, wow - thanks! Just read through the comments. 90% of these were really thoughtful and reassuring. It’s absolutely that I want more time with my kids and adore them. Our youngest is the easiest and it makes my heart hurt when she wants me instead of our nanny and I have to lock myself in my office. That being said - I do take off from 5-7:30 so I’m with them and make dinner every night, it’s more just the mental exhaustion and feeling while lying in bed at bedtime with them - crap, I need to finish this for X meeting by tomorrow at 8, and need to respond to this so let me think through now my recommendation. And oh, schedule a physical and run payroll for our nanny, and pick up dry cleaning, and it’s snack Saturday for the soccer game - and - is he making enough friends, how is our middle adjusting, etc etc, like so many of us!

Appreciate too that there is no right path, and that so many of us are in this situation !! Thanks all, and think it helps to look at it as - it’s all upside so I shouldn’t feel guilty for asking for ramp down for a few years. Think the achiever in me (and many of us maybe) just feels like it is letting work down / wuss if out if you ask for flex.

Anyway - really just responding based on the final few comments — please don’t let this chain discourage anyone from having three! It’s crazy, but can’t imagine a life without all this love.

That’s how my job was, and I just left it. My husband does a ton of child- and housework, too. It just takes so much to maintain a household. I was burned out from the switching back and forth. And as we WFH, kids don’t understand the here-but-not-here very well. If they can see or hear us, they think we’re “home”, regardless of who else is in the home watching them. And I can hear them, too. It’s super distracting.

I bet you’ll find a job that’s a better fit before long, or not, and that’s cool too!

That’s interesting - I would think WFH would make life easier on working parents. Do you think there’s more women like you making that choice even with flexibility?

Anonymous wrote:OP, wow - thanks! Just read through the comments. 90% of these were really thoughtful and reassuring. It’s absolutely that I want more time with my kids and adore them. Our youngest is the easiest and it makes my heart hurt when she wants me instead of our nanny and I have to lock myself in my office. That being said - I do take off from 5-7:30 so I’m with them and make dinner every night, it’s more just the mental exhaustion and feeling while lying in bed at bedtime with them - crap, I need to finish this for X meeting by tomorrow at 8, and need to respond to this so let me think through now my recommendation. And oh, schedule a physical and run payroll for our nanny, and pick up dry cleaning, and it’s snack Saturday for the soccer game - and - is he making enough friends, how is our middle adjusting, etc etc, like so many of us!

Appreciate too that there is no right path, and that so many of us are in this situation !! Thanks all, and think it helps to look at it as - it’s all upside so I shouldn’t feel guilty for asking for ramp down for a few years. Think the achiever in me (and many of us maybe) just feels like it is letting work down / wuss if out if you ask for flex.

Anyway - really just responding based on the final few comments — please don’t let this chain discourage anyone from having three! It’s crazy, but can’t imagine a life without all this love.

That’s how my job was, and I just left it. My husband does a ton of child- and housework, too. It just takes so much to maintain a household. I was burned out from the switching back and forth. And as we WFH, kids don’t understand the here-but-not-here very well. If they can see or hear us, they think we’re “home”, regardless of who else is in the home watching them. And I can hear them, too. It’s super distracting.

I bet you’ll find a job that’s a better fit before long, or not, and that’s cool too!

Anonymous wrote:OP, wow - thanks! Just read through the comments. 90% of these were really thoughtful and reassuring. It’s absolutely that I want more time with my kids and adore them. Our youngest is the easiest and it makes my heart hurt when she wants me instead of our nanny and I have to lock myself in my office. That being said - I do take off from 5-7:30 so I’m with them and make dinner every night, it’s more just the mental exhaustion and feeling while lying in bed at bedtime with them - crap, I need to finish this for X meeting by tomorrow at 8, and need to respond to this so let me think through now my recommendation. And oh, schedule a physical and run payroll for our nanny, and pick up dry cleaning, and it’s snack Saturday for the soccer game - and - is he making enough friends, how is our middle adjusting, etc etc, like so many of us!

Appreciate too that there is no right path, and that so many of us are in this situation !! Thanks all, and think it helps to look at it as - it’s all upside so I shouldn’t feel guilty for asking for ramp down for a few years. Think the achiever in me (and many of us maybe) just feels like it is letting work down / wuss if out if you ask for flex.

Anyway - really just responding based on the final few comments — please don’t let this chain discourage anyone from having three! It’s crazy, but can’t imagine a life without all this love.

Based on this, I would suggest you look around for a different job. I left a law firm three years ago and now work for a think tank. I make $190, WFH, and have no hard deadlines. It is night and day compared to an "always-on" job. I was very lucky to find my job, but there are others out there. Your choices are more than just your current job and no job.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you have 3 kids? 1, at most 2 would be more manageable.

You’re right. OP should get rid of that pesky 3rd one.

Wouldn’t all of us with 3 kids get rid of the 2nd tho

Are you insane? My middle kid is a dream.

I think this and other threads are important for people considering a third kid. You also have to consider how much you want to work, how you want your life to look, how much overwhelm you can tolerate, etc.

OP, wow - thanks! Just read through the comments. 90% of these were really thoughtful and reassuring. It’s absolutely that I want more time with my kids and adore them. Our youngest is the easiest and it makes my heart hurt when she wants me instead of our nanny and I have to lock myself in my office. That being said - I do take off from 5-7:30 so I’m with them and make dinner every night, it’s more just the mental exhaustion and feeling while lying in bed at bedtime with them - crap, I need to finish this for X meeting by tomorrow at 8, and need to respond to this so let me think through now my recommendation. And oh, schedule a physical and run payroll for our nanny, and pick up dry cleaning, and it’s snack Saturday for the soccer game - and - is he making enough friends, how is our middle adjusting, etc etc, like so many of us!

Appreciate too that there is no right path, and that so many of us are in this situation !! Thanks all, and think it helps to look at it as - it’s all upside so I shouldn’t feel guilty for asking for ramp down for a few years. Think the achiever in me (and many of us maybe) just feels like it is letting work down / wuss if out if you ask for flex.

Anyway - really just responding based on the final few comments — please don’t let this chain discourage anyone from having three! It’s crazy, but can’t imagine a life without all this love.

Hope you are at peace with whatever you decide.

BTW - 3 kids is really hard.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you have 3 kids? 1, at most 2 would be more manageable.

You’re right. OP should get rid of that pesky 3rd one.

Wouldn’t all of us with 3 kids get rid of the 2nd tho

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the feedback. Just in my husband’s defense, he will now make more and will be on a better long term trajectory. (Which I prefer ! Just my “steady” job still ends up being early mornings/late nights/ pressure cooker!

Do people really have jobs that are only 40 hours a week with flexibility to wfh? Feel like it’d be taking a pay cut for the same thing somewhere else.

Yes. I’m a fed atty, I work 40 hours a week. Don’t look at my email before 8, after 6, or on weekends. I wfh. I make 140k.
I consider myself unbelievably lucky.

+1 these jobs are out there but may pay less that current OP. I'm similar to PP, fed atty at 170k.

Solidarity OP. Only 2 kids here and outsource a ton (nanny helps with laundry, we have house cleaners, we don’t really cook) and I feel this way.

Would love a 20 hour work week even if a big pay cut for the reasons others have posted on the thread. I don’t want to be a full time stay at home and take over domestic tasks and don’t want to be out of the game entirely if something happens to my partners job, health, or our relationship.

Anonymous wrote:Why do you have 3 kids? 1, at most 2 would be more manageable.

You’re right. OP should get rid of that pesky 3rd one.

Anonymous wrote:Do you actually want to stay home with your kids? That didn't really come across in your post. You sound overwhelmed, but not like you are missing out on being with them 24/7. I'm not saying that snarkily. Being a SAHM is really hard and you have to really WANT to be home with them, not just not wanting to work. Otherwise you will be miserable.

+1. This. You don’t want to stay home with kids. You’re just overwhelmed. Your problem isn’t your job. It’s that you had three kids. Most people stop at 2 for a reason especially dual earners.

Why do you have 3 kids? 1, at most 2 would be more manageable.