Good genes

Anonymous wrote:Our kids are in their 30’s married with kids and good jobs and their heads seem to be well screwed on. We didn’t do anything magical but we had/have a very happy marriage and that atmosphere really set a good example. We never argued, didn’t have money issues but we did teach our kids the value of money and hard work and you can’t have one without the other. We prioritized education over sports and we prioritized their activities over ours. We moved a few times and that required a lot of bonding. But like I said nothing magical just creating an environment of love, learning and fun.

So in other words.... you were very, very lucky. You sound very smug. Not everyone can just do all the things you wrote about.

*I would guess that you had no major health issues that prevented you from working or drained finances. Also, no major unexpected layoffs.

*Neither of you had any sort of midlife crisis, substance abuse, addiction, etc. Neither of you cheated. Not all issues with spouses are obvious from the start, and when you are the receiving spouse, it's not in your control.

*It sounds like both of you are still alive, so, again, no major health issues.

*I would also guess that you also don't have any mental illness in your family, other other issues like ADHD/HFA.

I'll recap your list. If you want to have well adjusted, functional adults....
1) Stay healthy
2) Stay alive
3) Before getting married, make sure you can predict the future and know that your spouse won't have any issues that could prevent the marriage from being happy and perfect.
4) Do a ton of family research to make sure you have no mental illness or other mental issues in your family, even if they were a generation or so ago when they would not have been diagnosed.

Summary: Be really, really lucky.

Anonymous wrote:There isn't much that matters
But ~ don't be an adulterer, an addict or an abuser

+1 Also, would add, be generally emotionally healthy yourself. I say generally, because you don't have to be perfect. Somewhere I read that if you are a "good" parent 70% of the time, your kids will be just fine. The other 30% of the time, don't do the things quoted above, but don't sweat it if you screw up a little.

When you have babies you think there is a formula for doing it right, but as you get older you realize so much of your kids' personality/temperament, and general life choices are not in your control. You can parent two kids exactly same way, and have two polar opposite outcomes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I raised my children to question everything, to read everything, to research everything, to stand strong on their personal convictions, to work hard and cheerfully, that nothing is free in this world, and if it's worth having, it's worth working for, and I do not pay for college. That is an adult responsibility, and at 18, you are an adult. I told my kids to live their lives their way, to live below their means and be practical, buy good, used vehicles and learn to fix them yourself, keep God as your fixed point, and drive it like you stole it. If you get arrested, I'm not bailing you out. My youngest is almost 17 and my oldest is 30. 4 boys, 2 girls, six grandchildren, my five oldest are independent adults who do not need me. I am free to go my own way and do my own thing, because they have been taught well and they all hit the ground running before 18. My 17 yr old works full time and handles all of his business without my input. He's moving out in 2 months. He's ready to fly.

I really wish I could speak with your kids and see what they think about your parenting and their relationship with you now that they are grown. Saying you do not pay for college because you have 6 kids and can't afford it is one thing, but saying "that's an adult responsibility?" that's crazy talk. So, do you know what would your kids say about your parenting?

College is an adult responsibility- you get a job or multiple jobs, save your money in high school, go into the military first, pick a community college or fast track career to get started if you have to, or pick a trade or technical career or take out loans. If parents pay for your college you have been given a great gift and all too many kids these days just think it’s expected that their parents do this for them and don’t realize what a gift it actually is. The PP is absolutely right, at 18 a person should be able to make it on their own if you raised them right. Of course they’ll fail sometimes and struggle at first but they’ll never soar if you never let them fly.

Nonsense. College is (for some people) an adult *goal*. And comes with responsibilities accordingly. But to suggest that an 18 yo can fund this with an afterschool job in HS is just inaccurate. All the options you described: military, community college, trade school, are worthy pathways. Some might argue that these options are way better choices than most undergrad degrees from a SLAC. But let's be clear; if your kid's interest is in medicine, law, finance, engineering, or many other well-paying middle class jobs, they need a 4 year degree, and the debt they'll accrue by funding this via loans is prohibitive. Can they pursue these options via the military, etc? Sure. But as a physician, I have a number of colleagues banging it out in 3rd choice specialties bc the military directs that pathway.

Not only did my parents fund undergrad, they told me they would. I tell the same to my daughter. I also tell her what my parents told me. For undergrad, you're covered for 4 years. No victory lap. For grad school, you're on your own.

I've never overlooked the gift my parents gave me. They explained how lucky I was, and I believed them. Still do, of course. Which is why when it came time pay off med school loans, I just did it, no questions asked. There are many ways to raise your kids responsibly. Throwing them in the deep end of the pool before they can swim isn't the only way.

Our kids are in their 30’s married with kids and good jobs and their heads seem to be well screwed on. We didn’t do anything magical but we had/have a very happy marriage and that atmosphere really set a good example. We never argued, didn’t have money issues but we did teach our kids the value of money and hard work and you can’t have one without the other. We prioritized education over sports and we prioritized their activities over ours. We moved a few times and that required a lot of bonding. But like I said nothing magical just creating an environment of love, learning and fun.

Anonymous wrote:SERIOUS QUESTION: How do you teach your kids critical thinking skills?

I have always been an extremely analytical and skeptical person. I'm sure part of this was learned from my parents, but part of it is definitely my personality. How have you taught your children to be critical thinkers?

Talk to them! Explain your own thought processes when you're discussing current events, explain how you were wrong about something, give them lateral thinking puzzles and riddles (when my kids were little, Car Talk was still on the radio, and they loved the puzzler).

Get them to understand that there's more than one way of looking at things and that there's no shame in changing your mind

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:18 is not biological adult it’s a legal adult

+1

I would take the opposite view: 17 may not be a legal adult but they are largely biological adults, and need to be treated as autonomous individuals. And that starts a lot younger than 17.

My kids were doing their laundry by 8, cooking by 9 or 10, walking home from school by 8, making their way into DC on their own on buses and metro by 14 or 15. Children need to have increasing agency. I am amazed by the helpless little creatures many parents here are raising.

Anonymous wrote:There isn't much that matters
But ~ don't be an adulterer, an addict or an abuser

Are you my sibling? I'm one of 5 girls.