Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have lived in our neighborhood for over a year now and while it's nice, kids have made friends, I don't feel connected or close to anyone. We are not excluded, have a decent time at backyard parties and other social gatherings, I'm in book clubs, things like that. But I have noticed when we socialize that people don't ask me or DH questions at all. They happily gab on and on about themselves without reciprocating. DH golfs with a few men in the neighborhood and reports the same. Lots of talk about themselves, he asks a lot of questions to try to connect, but it's not returned. I definitely dig deeper so that conversations go beyond small talk with people, and I offer things up but always find the conversation steered back to the other person. I know a LOT about the other families in the neighborhood. Who doesn't like who, whose marriage is on the rocks, where they went to school, their jobs, etc. People tend to confide in me. But there's no way they know anything beyond the basics about me, despite my attempts to offer things up or engage in conversation about topics that might be more relevant to me (which I am starting to feel weird about!). I find it really off-putting and isolating. Our previous neighborhood was very transient so we didn't get to know many people. Among my other social groups - coworkers, childhood and college friends - I think I'm known as chatty and funny, and I have interests that other people seem to enjoy talking about with me, and I don't doubt that it's genuine. My role in this social circle is to fangirl over everyone else. It's shaken my confidence. I'm not exactly an extrovert, but I feel obligated to keep up connections for the sake of our young kids and, frankly, because we want to be a part of the community here. Anyone else experienced something similar?

Wtf do you want here? Maybe you look odd and uninteresting

Don’t be a d**k, PP.

Anonymous wrote:It’s even worse when it’s your sister and your husband’s sister and their husbands. They literally ask us nothing - even if we ask them something just begging for a reciprocal - “so, any trips planned?” “Is Jack still playing baseball?” “How’s Jim’s mom doing after her illness?”

Literally just answers but nothing back. Nothing. It’s a (sad) game to us now. We compare notes after a visit if we were asked any questions and we weren’t. Ever.

Yes! My husband's extended family is just like this. It makes me socially anxious because I wonder if they're avoiding asking me about myself for specific reasons, maybe to avoid talking about politics since my work is politics adjacent. But I've also seen them socializing with others and the main conversation topics are sports and the weather.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally relate to you, op.

I was thinking about this recently, how I know so much more about other people than they know about me because I ask a lot of questions. I tend to be pretty curious, so I love hearing about people's jobs or childhoods or hobbies and might ask specific questions and follow up to get more info, just to learn something new.

Whereas other people ask me broad questions like "how are you?" or "how've you been?" that don't usually lead to interesting answers. I have a hard time judging how much detail they might want, so I err on the side of giving a short basic answer.

I just don’t think there are as many curious people out there anymore. People are more self absorbed than ever. Keep looking though because we do exist!

Thank you, I will! Maybe we should start a conversation club.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:JFC paragraphs OP

Seriously. I wish people gave their posts a second look before hitting "Submit".

Good point. Quotation mark goes outside the period, btw, since we’re discussing grammar.

Unless the author of the sentence is British.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have lived in our neighborhood for over a year now and while it's nice, kids have made friends, I don't feel connected or close to anyone. We are not excluded, have a decent time at backyard parties and other social gatherings, I'm in book clubs, things like that. But I have noticed when we socialize that people don't ask me or DH questions at all. They happily gab on and on about themselves without reciprocating. DH golfs with a few men in the neighborhood and reports the same. Lots of talk about themselves, he asks a lot of questions to try to connect, but it's not returned. I definitely dig deeper so that conversations go beyond small talk with people, and I offer things up but always find the conversation steered back to the other person. I know a LOT about the other families in the neighborhood. Who doesn't like who, whose marriage is on the rocks, where they went to school, their jobs, etc. People tend to confide in me. But there's no way they know anything beyond the basics about me, despite my attempts to offer things up or engage in conversation about topics that might be more relevant to me (which I am starting to feel weird about!). I find it really off-putting and isolating. Our previous neighborhood was very transient so we didn't get to know many people. Among my other social groups - coworkers, childhood and college friends - I think I'm known as chatty and funny, and I have interests that other people seem to enjoy talking about with me, and I don't doubt that it's genuine. My role in this social circle is to fangirl over everyone else. It's shaken my confidence. I'm not exactly an extrovert, but I feel obligated to keep up connections for the sake of our young kids and, frankly, because we want to be a part of the community here. Anyone else experienced something similar?

OP, you seem like a nice, well-adjusted person and someone I'd probably be happy to be friends with. I'm sorry but what you describe is a lot of NWDC and the surrounding suburbs (i.e., CCDC/MD, Bethesda, etc.). People here are clickish, competitive, social climbers and generally not in the habit of making new friends, especially in the more exclusive areas. One thing to ask yourself is, "why do I want to be friends with these people?" It's the reason why we tend to stick to family and friends that we've known for years for this reason. I also think it's harder to make new friends as adults simply because people don't have the time anymore and everything is about the kids. I'd suggest making friends with the parents of your kids' friends. At least, you're more likely to spend time with these folks.

Clickish? CLICKISH?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I run into these people too OP. They are clearly on this thread. I guess people just expect you to interject. I have started doing this to people like you describe- and they don't seem to even hear me they are just waiting to start talking about themselves again. Very very boorish, tacky and boring. I make a game of it now and just observe with wry amusement.

Jeez, I want to hug you guys. There are good people in this area that experience this daily. I wish there was a good way for parents to make friends with real (non-vapid, social climber) people here.

I complain to my husband about this all the time! I wish we could all be friends. Every so often I will find someone and then they inevitably move away.

I definitely agree with you, OP. Unfortunately this is the way most people behave in DMV so I have adjusted expectations.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:JFC paragraphs OP

Seriously. I wish people gave their posts a second look before hitting "Submit".

Good point. Quotation mark goes outside the period, btw, since we’re discussing grammar.

This is a huge pet peeve of mine. It boggles my mind that people think their lives are so interesting to go on and on about themselves without asking about anyone else. The minute the conversation is away from the topic of them, they bring it back to...them. If you say something interesting about anything else, they just pause and start a new conversation

Too long of a post OP. People don’t have the attention span. People in general are most concerned about themselves and unless they’ve been taught conversation skills, won’t think to ask about others. I’m trying to teach my own kids these skills.

Anonymous wrote:TBH, asking questions is like setting up for failure!
The next time I talk to you in a few months or so, I'll have to remember what you told me

This is exactly what I was about to say! perhaps there’s a way for you to give people a framework about you that they can attach factoids as they hear them and eventually know enough about you to follow up with questions; like “when is your child’s drama camp? Has your dad recovered from surgery? Have you decided on a gym place yet? etc. People don’t lo ask boring questions like “Do you work? Are your parents alive? Where did your husband grow up? I stead you volunteer the basics in the course of conversation.

Most people love to talk about themselves. I’ve just learned to accept it and enjoy practicing socializing by asking questions and engaging with their talking points. Then I treasure the ones who give real conversation like gems. The tennis analogy the other PP posted is great!

But yes OP, probably 4/5 people are pretty self centered and are consumed with their own lives.

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Anonymous wrote:If you aren’t a skilled enough conversationalist to the point where you must wait like a child actor listening for a cue to volunteer information about yourself or steer a conversation, I don’t think we can help you.

Nope. Really skilled conversionalists understand give and take and do give openings for other people to share their experiences and thoughts. They don't just drone on and on about themselves.

OK, well…OP finds herself in a neighborhood where this is the norm. She can either sulk and expect things to magically change, or she can simply adapt and instead of wah-wah-ing and acting like a wallflower, jump in and volunteer more information about herself and steer the conversation. She can engineer things a little bit rather than whining on the sidelines.

You’re part of the problem. Affirming a person’s experience is part of human connection. FAIL but thanks for playing.

OK, enjoy your same, never-ending dynamic!

Ha ha I will just not hang around people like that and im assuming you. Instead I will find conversation with people who talk WITH me not AT me.

Good, mission accomplished. The one time I asked you a question, you monologued a never-ending paragraph (like the OP) with me, and I knew instantly you were one of THOSE people, and I was hoping to gently nudge you away from me. Success!

Oh. You're 12. Got it.

Honestly as someone who moved from west coast to the dmv area, I’ve noticed this problem with most people I’ve met here….

OP, what you describe is endemic in the U.S. It is a combination of insecurity, poor training (boorishness) and striving. It is not fun or creative. Conversation can and should be creative and inspiring. Everyone has something to give us, something to learn from, even if it's what we don't want to be or be around.

We were just invited to spend the weekend at our friends' amazing beach house with them. Gorgeous place and we so appreciated the invitation. However, they do not do conversation about anything except themselves or their grown children. We bore witness to their lives for the entire weekend. I appreciated their hospitality but did not particularly enjoy their company which I feel bad about. I learned all about the wife's exercise routine and mothering opinions. I learned all about their children and relatives.

We were not asked anything about ourselves. I shared by interjecting a few times, including I shared a 5 second video of me giving a speech alongside a national political figure recently (because I am proud of this and I am really into my work). There was zero interest or follow up, so I returned to discussing their various accomplishments and kids' accomplishments. I complimented their house and neighborhood A LOT.

Then their next door neighbor came by for a drink. Suddenly we were talking about the area, the state, real estate and the environment. It got really interesting. Host couple did not engage except to say when it reminded them of something about them or their kids. Visitor asked repeatedly about my work. I gave my one-sentence summary. He asked more, I gave a little more info, then I returned to ask about him and his job. He demurred but gave a downplayed version of what he does (obviously wealthy). Again, such good conversation about external third-party things. There was mutual curiosity about not just us, but outside things and conditions. It was fun, fun like tennis is fun.

Visitor later reached out on LinkedIn where we learned that he owns a major boutique hotel chain and is a philanthropist. He just exuded empathy and curiosity and creativity. Someone we would love to converse with again!