My heart is breaking for you that your first instinct was to ask what you did wrong rather than realize it’s not you. It was never about you, honey. And I’m so sorry you got hurt.

It sounds like Soldier Boy and Crimson Countess, in reverse.

You’ll come to think of it as a birthday present. You got rid of a mean a-hole.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the thing you did earlier in the week? Not that is matters much because he’s awful. But it sounds like he didn’t go into the night meaning to break up with you. I would examine the conversation and try to figure out what about your response triggered his meltdown. And try not to do that to my next boyfriend!

Op. Tuesday morning I couldn’t sleep so I got up and was doing some work in his living room. I went to reach for a glass of water and knocked a bag of potato chips on the floor upside down so they spilled. I picked them all up but it was dark and I must have missed a few. Plus it was the middle of the night so I couldn’t go dig around for a vacuum. Anyway I fell back asleep and forgot about it until last night when he mentioned that I didn’t pick them up. I was trying to make the point that I hadn’t intentionally left the chips behind, I had tried to clean them up as best I could in the dark at 4am. He said I was making excuses because I’ve also left bowls on the counter after eating, left teeshirts behind at his place, etc.

I’m sorry, if I didn’t know you were in pain I’d be crying from laughing at this. What on earth? So you dropped the chips, picked them up, missed a couple….and he waited four days to tell you? And then considered “I’m sorry, I tried to get all of them!” a dumpable offense? I thought you made a shitty comment about his mom or said something mean during a disagreement. You dropped potato chips?!

I am excited for you! I know you’re hurting but 29 is a great time to be single in DC.

This will be the best thing that ever happened to you. One day, you’ll be celebrating your birthday with a man who loves you and would never dream of hurting you (let alone on the one special day you get a year) and you’ll laugh.

Seriously. Somewhere out there is a man who will be thrilled to meet you.

You think leaving some potato chips on the rug warrants his meltdown? Man, wish you could see this bozo as clearly as we do.

Anonymous wrote:
Op. Tuesday morning I couldn’t sleep so I got up and was doing some work in his living room. I went to reach for a glass of water and knocked a bag of potato chips on the floor upside down so they spilled. I picked them all up but it was dark and I must have missed a few. Plus it was the middle of the night so I couldn’t go dig around for a vacuum. Anyway I fell back asleep and forgot about it until last night when he mentioned that I didn’t pick them up. I was trying to make the point that I hadn’t intentionally left the chips behind, I had tried to clean them up as best I could in the dark at 4am. He said I was making excuses because I’ve also left bowls on the counter after eating, left teeshirts behind at his place, etc.

OP, the only fair way to deal with a problem is in the moment. Dredging up past “transgressions” says so much more about the person making the complaint than the person who made a supposed error. Here’s what a normal reaction to the chips would look like: “Oh hey, looks like there’s a bit of a mess in the living room. Could you be sure to tackle that when you get a moment?” Then the person would walk away confident that their partner would take care of it. Same thing with dishes. Everyone has different standards about whether leaving them in the sink or counter is ever ok, how quickly they get done, etc. If things aren’t the way you want, you make a simple “I need” statement without anger and then tell you partner how they can fulfill that need: “I don’t like dishes left in the sink, so I’d appreciate if you could help me by putting things directly into the dishwasher.” It’s unhinged to get rage-y about stuff like this, especially days later. With a man like that, you’d always be walking on eggshells; there’s never a way to avoid every possible “mistake” in the mind of a person like this.

He’s a broken person, op. As others have said, it’s a blessing that you know that now before you went farther in the relationship. He’s damaged, and he took that damage out on you. It’s going to hurt as you grieve for what you thought you had, but I promise it will get better. Watch some sad movies, eat ice cream, go out with your girlfriends, let yourself be sad, heal over this and move on when you’re ready.

Do not go back to him. He’s broken. He’s shown you that. You cannot fix him. It will not get better. This isn’t about you, it’s him.

He wanted to break up with you and he had no interest in discussing it so he vented vile hate to nip any discussion in the bud. That was very cruel But, it’s over and you just need time to move on. Be grateful that you are not wasting any more time with him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the thing you did earlier in the week? Not that is matters much because he’s awful. But it sounds like he didn’t go into the night meaning to break up with you. I would examine the conversation and try to figure out what about your response triggered his meltdown. And try not to do that to my next boyfriend!

Op. Tuesday morning I couldn’t sleep so I got up and was doing some work in his living room. I went to reach for a glass of water and knocked a bag of potato chips on the floor upside down so they spilled. I picked them all up but it was dark and I must have missed a few. Plus it was the middle of the night so I couldn’t go dig around for a vacuum. Anyway I fell back asleep and forgot about it until last night when he mentioned that I didn’t pick them up. I was trying to make the point that I hadn’t intentionally left the chips behind, I had tried to clean them up as best I could in the dark at 4am. He said I was making excuses because I’ve also left bowls on the counter after eating, left teeshirts behind at his place, etc.

Okay, thanks for the story.
Move on.

Are you the ex? Good god, it’s a relationship forum.

Dang, you got me!

OP, the things that your ex said to you were abusive and inexcusable. Even if he were miserable, he had myriad ways of saying “It’s not working out for me” and stepping away. The fact that this abuse was delivered after a lovely night out on a day that was special to you means that the delivery was *designed* to be hurtful. As your title says, it was cruel.

What is important is to develop self esteem and not to tolerate abuse. Your instinct, to ask what you did/how you could have been better, only works when both parties are good-faith actors who want to work things out. The best response to someone abusive is to get out of the car, calmly say “I don’t want to hear from you again, and to Uber home.” Nothing you said or did could change the actions of your creepy ex, despite what he wanted you to believe. He is responsible for his own behavior, not you.

On a related note, you might want to do some reading about manipulative people and codependency. It may help you to better understand the dynamic you just lived through. I hope you will believe in yourself more and understand that you are better than staying in relationships with someone like this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the thing you did earlier in the week? Not that is matters much because he’s awful. But it sounds like he didn’t go into the night meaning to break up with you. I would examine the conversation and try to figure out what about your response triggered his meltdown. And try not to do that to my next boyfriend!

Op. Tuesday morning I couldn’t sleep so I got up and was doing some work in his living room. I went to reach for a glass of water and knocked a bag of potato chips on the floor upside down so they spilled. I picked them all up but it was dark and I must have missed a few. Plus it was the middle of the night so I couldn’t go dig around for a vacuum. Anyway I fell back asleep and forgot about it until last night when he mentioned that I didn’t pick them up. I was trying to make the point that I hadn’t intentionally left the chips behind, I had tried to clean them up as best I could in the dark at 4am. He said I was making excuses because I’ve also left bowls on the counter after eating, left teeshirts behind at his place, etc.

Okay, thanks for the story.
Move on.

Are you the ex? Good god, it’s a relationship forum.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the thing you did earlier in the week? Not that is matters much because he’s awful. But it sounds like he didn’t go into the night meaning to break up with you. I would examine the conversation and try to figure out what about your response triggered his meltdown. And try not to do that to my next boyfriend!

Op. Tuesday morning I couldn’t sleep so I got up and was doing some work in his living room. I went to reach for a glass of water and knocked a bag of potato chips on the floor upside down so they spilled. I picked them all up but it was dark and I must have missed a few. Plus it was the middle of the night so I couldn’t go dig around for a vacuum. Anyway I fell back asleep and forgot about it until last night when he mentioned that I didn’t pick them up. I was trying to make the point that I hadn’t intentionally left the chips behind, I had tried to clean them up as best I could in the dark at 4am. He said I was making excuses because I’ve also left bowls on the counter after eating, left teeshirts behind at his place, etc.

Okay, thanks for the story.
Move on.

Anonymous wrote:What was the thing you did earlier in the week? Not that is matters much because he’s awful. But it sounds like he didn’t go into the night meaning to break up with you. I would examine the conversation and try to figure out what about your response triggered his meltdown. And try not to do that to my next boyfriend!

Op. Tuesday morning I couldn’t sleep so I got up and was doing some work in his living room. I went to reach for a glass of water and knocked a bag of potato chips on the floor upside down so they spilled. I picked them all up but it was dark and I must have missed a few. Plus it was the middle of the night so I couldn’t go dig around for a vacuum. Anyway I fell back asleep and forgot about it until last night when he mentioned that I didn’t pick them up. I was trying to make the point that I hadn’t intentionally left the chips behind, I had tried to clean them up as best I could in the dark at 4am. He said I was making excuses because I’ve also left bowls on the counter after eating, left teeshirts behind at his place, etc.

Anonymous wrote:What was the thing you did earlier in the week? Not that is matters much because he’s awful. But it sounds like he didn’t go into the night meaning to break up with you. I would examine the conversation and try to figure out what about your response triggered his meltdown. And try not to do that to my next boyfriend!

Me again, not victim blaming but there is something about the issues you had in the past that were brought to the forefront in the convo. Whatever that issue is might need some self-reflection if you want a better future relationship, that’s what I mean.