Anonymous
Post 07/05/2022 17:06     Subject: Who pays for wedding discussion
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Daughter just got engaged!! How soon do we start the who will pay for what discussions. Do we start with our daughter or the couple together. Any suggestions? p.s. we have never met future inlaws and it would require a plane ride to meet in person.


Its not your place to start. They should figure out what they want to do then ask both set of parents if they want to contribute. Whichever way you all split it, keep it a small and inexpensive affair. If tgeee is extra money, it should go into savings and house purchase fund. No point in wasting money on wedding, focus on marriage.


What?!?! I never in my life would have asked my parents for money. Maybe that's why my inlaws didn't contribute or give us a wedding present? We planned the wedding we could afford and along the way, my parents gave us a no strings attached check.
Anonymous
Post 07/05/2022 17:01     Subject: Who pays for wedding discussion
Ideally, no wedding should cost more than 25% of what a couple has in their own checking account.
Anonymous
Post 07/05/2022 16:41     Subject: Re:Who pays for wedding discussion
I was an adult professional when I got married and never expected my parents to fully pay for the wedding. It seems outdated to me.

Each of my parents (divorced) gave us a monetary gift to go towards the cost of the wedding. I think my dad specifically paid for the open bar and my mom paid for my dress and maybe an additional 5k. They never have made much money so I very much appreciated their contributions.

I don't remember what DH's parents gave us but it was probably more or less equivalent.

I anticipate giving my sons a lump sum contribution. I haven't thought about the exact amount but I could see it being the $15k range. I don't see why the bride's family should have to foot all of it.
Anonymous
Post 07/05/2022 10:57     Subject: Who pays for wedding discussion
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why do parents still tie giving money to their children and their children's weddings? What if a child never gets married?

Also, the talk of "covering your plate" is gross


Um, parents often give their adult sons and daughters a monetary gift to be used for a down payment, a wedding, a trip, a car, savings. Why are you acting like people only give money for a wedding, or that everyone gives these types of gifts at all?


I have no idea how my comment is suggesting that to you or why you'd even think anyone would suggest that.

When people here talk about their weddings or their children's weddings, they often say that the parents used that as an occasion to offer them money that they could spend as they wished. And what I wonder is why a wedding inspires this sort of generosity -- if I were an older, unmarried sibling, I might feel as though my parents think getting married is the only way to show someone is an adult. Similarly, parents talk about planning ahead for a wedding, saving for years to be able to pay for a party. It's weird.

My parents paid for my wedding and for my sister's, and my mom gave my brother money for his. We have another sibling who is probably never going to get married, and I don't see why he shouldn't get a few thousand dollars to keep him warm at night. (I would never tell my mother how to spend her money, but I can't stop wondering if he's bothered -- I assume he is)
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2022 17:57     Subject: Who pays for wedding discussion
Anonymous wrote:Why do parents still tie giving money to their children and their children's weddings? What if a child never gets married?

Also, the talk of "covering your plate" is gross


Um, parents often give their adult sons and daughters a monetary gift to be used for a down payment, a wedding, a trip, a car, savings. Why are you acting like people only give money for a wedding, or that everyone gives these types of gifts at all?
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2022 17:55     Subject: Re:Who pays for wedding discussion
Anonymous wrote:We already told our daughter that she's mostly going to be on her own.

The cost of my wedding included metro fare from Woodley Park to Courthouse, a $99 dress, and lunch at a Thai restaurant we liked. I probably bought shoes too.


And then everyone started clapping!
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2022 17:49     Subject: Who pays for wedding discussion
A wedding can be a once in a decade event that bings together generations. Generations of relatives, old friends. It's really a gift. A gift you give others, those in attendance. If a couple wants/needs to keep it small, that's reasonable too. But no one should discount the sheer joy that being together brings to many, many people. Many people beyond the Bride and Groom. This is the good stuff in life.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2022 17:37     Subject: Re:Who pays for wedding discussion

Many things have changed today since we were married and one of the biggest is the cost of college and graduate education so even if a couple is late 20s, they may also have large student loan debts that they are paying off. I think if the parents do have funds for a wedding that they might talk to the couple to see if they had considered that part of the sum might go to paying off their loan debt to put them in a better position to buy a home. Or if they do not have loans, a percentage could be used to help with the down payment.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2022 15:58     Subject: Who pays for wedding discussion
DH and I got married on a ship going through the Panama Canal by the Captain. (Not a cruise as most think of it) The Captain charged us nothing -- DH is a graduate of the Naval Academy. He had arranged it ahead of time without me knowing. It's been the best 27 years this December. The ship donated our wedding dinner and wedding cake. Total cost: $0.

My parents had told me years before not to count on them paying for a wedding. However, they and my in-laws gave us the entire down payment (20%) on our house.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2022 15:29     Subject: Who pays for wedding discussion
If Op has to ask, guessing she hasn't been planning on paying.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2022 13:37     Subject: Who pays for wedding discussion
Anonymous wrote:Daughter just got engaged!! How soon do we start the who will pay for what discussions. Do we start with our daughter or the couple together. Any suggestions? p.s. we have never met future inlaws and it would require a plane ride to meet in person.


Its not your place to start. They should figure out what they want to do then ask both set of parents if they want to contribute. Whichever way you all split it, keep it a small and inexpensive affair. If tgeee is extra money, it should go into savings and house purchase fund. No point in wasting money on wedding, focus on marriage.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2022 09:34     Subject: Who pays for wedding discussion
OP, do know for sure that your daughter even wants a wedding?
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2022 07:30     Subject: Who pays for wedding discussion
Why do parents still tie giving money to their children and their children's weddings? What if a child never gets married?

Also, the talk of "covering your plate" is gross
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2022 09:11     Subject: Who pays for wedding discussion
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My parents sat my fiancé and I down and said they’d pay 30k. They didn’t care what wedding we had or if we saved it all for a new home, but they wanted to be there to witness. They wrote us the check that night and had no strings attached. We spent 40k and had our entire families and friends present.

My in-laws didn’t say anything. Later on they mumbled something about a rehearsal dinner. Dh and I were super broke and could afford much (his car just died). We planned a rehearsal dinner we could afford- $350. And that is the only thing they gave us as a wedding gift. It also came a month after the wedding. Long after we paid off our credit card bill. Still perplexed by the whole thing. My In-laws barely covered their plate at our wedding. Whatever. They paid 50k and 70k for their daughters weddings a few years later. I never mentioned it but won’t do that to my son. My daughters and son will all get the same amount.


This is such an ugly expression.


+1!! Anyone who would ever say “covered their plate” is a huge red flag.


No, again, this is etiquette. Your gift as a wedding guest — any wedding guest — should be equivalent to the style of the wedding. Black tie affair? You should be assuming a $100 a plate. [/quote

It's etiquette to stiff your friends whose parents couldn't afford a black tie wedding? Why should I give wealthier friends and family even more money? No. I give pretty much everyone the same amount regardless of their event, more or less depending on how close I am to them. As if $100 would even cover the plate at a black tie event! Have you been to a wedding since the 90s?
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2022 09:06     Subject: Re:Who pays for wedding discussion
We already told our daughter that she's mostly going to be on her own.

The cost of my wedding included metro fare from Woodley Park to Courthouse, a $99 dress, and lunch at a Thai restaurant we liked. I probably bought shoes too.