Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

Name one reason why she couldn’t have asked permission before doing this. Name one.

Name one reason why if she did this she could not have told them about it after the fact. Name one.

Anonymous wrote:

I think some of you, including OP, are missing two things:

1. Why do you feel so weird about a close relative entering without permission? It's not like she stole or snooped.

In some families, that's just normal. I let myself into my parents' apartment without "permission", because I have tacit blanket permission. I would never think of ASKING my parents to let me know when they arrive in my house, because in my mind, of course they can come whenever! I would never think of asking my children, once they're adults, to let me know when they drop in. They're welcome at any time.

So perhaps this poor MIL thinks that way too, especially as she's been helpful to you in the past feeding your cat, etc. Maybe it did not cross her mind that you'd find it so rude and boundary-crossing.

2. Going forward, if my kids or parents kicked up a huge fuss because I came in without their express and single-use permission, I would think twice about helping them in the future. I would be really hurt that they believe I'm not trustworthy.



So just think about what you're doing to your relationship with your MIL, if she's been a reliable person so far.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not overreacting. It's a violation of the social contract. She had the code with the understanding she would only use it under certain circumstances. It is common courtesy to inform/ask someone to visit your home, especially when you aren't there. That she never mentioned she was going into your home while you weren't there is really odd. Her outrage at no longer having the code tells you all you need to know.

100%. If she had apologized and backed down and explained that she really relies on stopping by to use the restroom or take a break before driving again, maybe she could earn some grace. But her being mad at you and DH is beyond and shows you that you are right not to give her the new code. She brought this on herself. She could have asked first, or told you that she stopped by, or been contrite about the violation. These are appropriate consequences.

Anonymous wrote:

I think some of you, including OP, are missing two things:

1. Why do you feel so weird about a close relative entering without permission? It's not like she stole or snooped.

In some families, that's just normal. I let myself into my parents' apartment without "permission", because I have tacit blanket permission. I would never think of ASKING my parents to let me know when they arrive in my house, because in my mind, of course they can come whenever! I would never think of asking my children, once they're adults, to let me know when they drop in. They're welcome at any time.

So perhaps this poor MIL thinks that way too, especially as she's been helpful to you in the past feeding your cat, etc. Maybe it did not cross her mind that you'd find it so rude and boundary-crossing.

2. Going forward, if my kids or parents kicked up a huge fuss because I came in without their express and single-use permission, I would think twice about helping them in the future. I would be really hurt that they believe I'm not trustworthy.

So just think about what you're doing to your relationship with your MIL, if she's been a reliable person so far.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

+1 THIS

Just hope your MIL doesn’t have an accident driving home. You’ll end up taking care of her and everyday wishing you had just given her the code.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

Name one reason why she couldn’t have asked permission before doing this. Name one.

Name one reason why if she did this she could not have told them about it after the fact. Name one.

Anonymous wrote:

I think some of you, including OP, are missing two things:

1. Why do you feel so weird about a close relative entering without permission? It's not like she stole or snooped.

In some families, that's just normal. I let myself into my parents' apartment without "permission", because I have tacit blanket permission. I would never think of ASKING my parents to let me know when they arrive in my house, because in my mind, of course they can come whenever! I would never think of asking my children, once they're adults, to let me know when they drop in. They're welcome at any time.

So perhaps this poor MIL thinks that way too, especially as she's been helpful to you in the past feeding your cat, etc. Maybe it did not cross her mind that you'd find it so rude and boundary-crossing.

2. Going forward, if my kids or parents kicked up a huge fuss because I came in without their express and single-use permission, I would think twice about helping them in the future. I would be really hurt that they believe I'm not trustworthy.



So just think about what you're doing to your relationship with your MIL, if she's been a reliable person so far.

Anonymous wrote:NP.

Why are people protesting that MIL should be able to do this, when it's not the *doing* of it that's the problem, but the doing of it *secretively* plus getting mad when the secretive part was unintentionally taken away from her?

Are people deliberately misreading the situation to feign outrage, or are people just misreading? Or do people have no sense of logic?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

+1 THIS

Just hope your MIL doesn’t have an accident driving home. You’ll end up taking care of her and everyday wishing you had just given her the code.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I would be happy to let my MIL or parents use my house in my absence so they could relax a bit and use the bathroom -
at their age, they need to go more frequently!

All I can assume is that your relationship is fraught already, since your MIL has been letting herself in without telling you. Why would she do that? If you don't trust her, you can't let her in, but merely going by your first post, it seems as though you're over-reacting, and not letting a frail old lady have a well-earned rest.

OP here. We did up until now have a good relationship and we help her out a lot, and have always appreciated when we fed our cat and brought in packages while we were on vacation. In fact, we once asked her to stop by to feed the cat for two days, and she said would it be OK if I just spent the weekend there so I won’t have to drive and we said of course! We help her out a lot but have never entered her home without her knowledge. We even hosted a friend of hers who lives pretty close to us who had water damage in our basement. We had never even met the friend but were happy to help out a friend of MIL’s.

Had she asked us first or even told us after the fact, of course we would have been fine with her taking a break at our house. As to your “why would she do that” question…well, exactly!

You can kiss that relationship goodbye.

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.