I think there’s a difference between intentionally keeping a secret and just not mentioning something that isn’t relevant.

Friends and family will tell me things going on in their lives, and I don’t mention it to H because it’s just not relevant and I don’t need to tell him every little detail of what goes on between my friends and I.

I guess if someone was pregnant and told me, but wanted it a secret because they didn’t want it to get out among our circle of friends just yet, I wouldn’t tell H.

If it’s something like, they’re married to H’s brother but are cheating on him, I’d talk to H to figure out what to do. But I also trust that H isn’t going to freak out and blab to everyone.

If it’s just a random secret with no real purpose (“cousin Larla just got her first period! Don’t tell H!”) I’d probably tell H just to mention how weird it is.

The one exception is with our kids. H has 2 kids and I have 1 kid from previous marriages, and we have a kid together. If a kid confides something and doesn’t want the other parent to know, we keep their secret.

Yes, I binged Better Call Saul without her when she went to bed early then pretended like I didn't when we watched it the next day.

I tell my husband pretty much everything, but he also forgets 99% of it immediately because he doesn't care about social gossip/news

Anonymous wrote:Everytime this comes up on boards it is like, drama. I feel like the subtlety between, 'I will not promise to keep your confidence from someone with whom I don't share secrets' and 'I do not gossip with my husband about my friends' is lost.

I am not telling my husband all about my friend's intimate details, but I would never ever agree to keep a secret from my spouse. I just don't believe in making deception agreed upon. If my husband asked me directly about something, I would tell him. If something came up that impacted him or impacted US, I would tell him (obviously very unlikely if this is some thing with friends). So people say its codependant but it isn't like I'm actually telling him anything. I just refuse to codify a culture of secrecy between us.

What?? It’s not a secret, it’s keeping a confidence.
my husband: ‘What’s going on with your friend Dana what were you two talking about?’
Me: ‘oh she’s going through something but you know it’s private’
My husband: ‘ oh, ok’
Because he’s a grown ass man who has confidences that he keeps with siblings or parents or friends and it’s none of my damn business because it has nothing to do with me or my marriage or my family or my safety.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow some of you are not trustworthy friends.

My friends do not expect me to keep secrets from my spouse and I do not expect it of them either. Marriage is complicated and hard enough. Throw in demanding that your friends keep secrets from their spouse… I mean that’s a violation of the trust in the marital relationship.

WTF!
I’ve been married for decades and my husband does not consider it keeping secrets for me to not tell him my friends’ private business.
What weird codependent relationships are some of you people in???
Crazy.

Same. I don’t understand the perspective that spouses should have no interior lives of their own, no personal emotional space, no relationships that aren’t open for total examination by the other partner. It feels very enmeshed and odd, especially given the massive research on the importance of social connections and relationships on happiness and even longevity.

- Married 30+ years, completely monogamous, and would never consider being otherwise

Thank you. I really believe there are some co-dependent nutballs answering here.

Mostly I do but if the secret relates to someone at risk then I do tell my husband because he’s really good at solving problems.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do keep friend's secrets from him. If my friend tells me she's going through a scary divorce and asks me not to tell anyone, it does her no good and me no good to immediately tell
My dh. If someone asks you not to tell, and it has nothing to do with you and your life, I would keep it to yourself.

+1. I do not keep my secrets from him, I keep other people's secrets from him.

+2
It's sad op's mom cannot trust her own dd to keep a secret that is not her dh's business. I keep other people's secrets and dh knows this full well and is quite content as he is not a gossip monger.

Everytime this comes up on boards it is like, drama. I feel like the subtlety between, 'I will not promise to keep your confidence from someone with whom I don't share secrets' and 'I do not gossip with my husband about my friends' is lost.

I am not telling my husband all about my friend's intimate details, but I would never ever agree to keep a secret from my spouse. I just don't believe in making deception agreed upon. If my husband asked me directly about something, I would tell him. If something came up that impacted him or impacted US, I would tell him (obviously very unlikely if this is some thing with friends). So people say its codependant but it isn't like I'm actually telling him anything. I just refuse to codify a culture of secrecy between us.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow some of you are not trustworthy friends.

My friends do not expect me to keep secrets from my spouse and I do not expect it of them either. Marriage is complicated and hard enough. Throw in demanding that your friends keep secrets from their spouse… I mean that’s a violation of the trust in the marital relationship.

What? So if your friend tells you in confidence that she is thinking of leaving her husband, you think you would be violating your husband’s trust and destroying your marriage by not telling him what your friend said? You can’t be serious.

Yes. I am not married to the friend. You people really have misplaced loyalties.

You must be a horrible friend. I can’t tell if you are codependent or married to someone who is extremely controlling. But your marriage is extremely fragile and warped if your failure to tell your husband something about your friend that has nothing to do with him would destroy your marriage and any trust you have in each other.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow some of you are not trustworthy friends.

My friends do not expect me to keep secrets from my spouse and I do not expect it of them either. Marriage is complicated and hard enough. Throw in demanding that your friends keep secrets from their spouse… I mean that’s a violation of the trust in the marital relationship.

What? So if your friend tells you in confidence that she is thinking of leaving her husband, you think you would be violating your husband’s trust and destroying your marriage by not telling him what your friend said? You can’t be serious.

Yes. I am not married to the friend. You people really have misplaced loyalties.

I hope your friends know this about you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow some of you are not trustworthy friends.

My friends do not expect me to keep secrets from my spouse and I do not expect it of them either. Marriage is complicated and hard enough. Throw in demanding that your friends keep secrets from their spouse… I mean that’s a violation of the trust in the marital relationship.

WTF!
I’ve been married for decades and my husband does not consider it keeping secrets for me to not tell him my friends’ private business.
What weird codependent relationships are some of you people in???
Crazy.

Same. I don’t understand the perspective that spouses should have no interior lives of their own, no personal emotional space, no relationships that aren’t open for total examination by the other partner. It feels very enmeshed and odd, especially given the massive research on the importance of social connections and relationships on happiness and even longevity.

- Married 30+ years, completely monogamous, and would never consider being otherwise

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow some of you are not trustworthy friends.

My friends do not expect me to keep secrets from my spouse and I do not expect it of them either. Marriage is complicated and hard enough. Throw in demanding that your friends keep secrets from their spouse… I mean that’s a violation of the trust in the marital relationship.

What? So if your friend tells you in confidence that she is thinking of leaving her husband, you think you would be violating your husband’s trust and destroying your marriage by not telling him what your friend said? You can’t be serious.

Yes. I am not married to the friend. You people really have misplaced loyalties.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow some of you are not trustworthy friends.

My friends do not expect me to keep secrets from my spouse and I do not expect it of them either. Marriage is complicated and hard enough. Throw in demanding that your friends keep secrets from their spouse… I mean that’s a violation of the trust in the marital relationship.

Here's the thing. I'm not friends with your dh. I'm friends with YOU. You don't owe your husband every detail of every secret you're told to have trust in your relationship. My dh and I are very in love and have a strong relationship with great communication and respect...if my friend told me not to tell anyone, I wouldn't tell him. You need to sort out your priorities or you may lose some friendships along the way.

+1000000

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow some of you are not trustworthy friends.

My friends do not expect me to keep secrets from my spouse and I do not expect it of them either. Marriage is complicated and hard enough. Throw in demanding that your friends keep secrets from their spouse… I mean that’s a violation of the trust in the marital relationship.

Here's the thing. I'm not friends with your dh. I'm friends with YOU. You don't owe your husband every detail of every secret you're told to have trust in your relationship. My dh and I are very in love and have a strong relationship with great communication and respect...if my friend told me not to tell anyone, I wouldn't tell him. You need to sort out your priorities or you may lose some friendships along the way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow some of you are not trustworthy friends.

My friends do not expect me to keep secrets from my spouse and I do not expect it of them either. Marriage is complicated and hard enough. Throw in demanding that your friends keep secrets from their spouse… I mean that’s a violation of the trust in the marital relationship.

WTF!
I’ve been married for decades and my husband does not consider it keeping secrets for me to not tell him my friends’ private business.
What weird codependent relationships are some of you people in???
Crazy.