Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a pretty good relationship with the in-laws, but the reason I do more than I otherwise would is I want my kid to have a good relationship with them, if she wants it.

+1. My ILs love DS and have done 10x for him (and me to be honest) than I have given back in handling all the cards, flowers, meals out, etc. for special occasions. I enjoy sending a beautiful flower arrangement and knowing how much my MIL will enjoy it too. I hope that DS marries someone who is not a sour DCUM mom.

You’re both missing the point. Go on and do these things if you want to and it’s important to you, but no wife need feel obligated.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never picked up the rope. My husband was always in charge of his parents. I’m pretty sure they haven’t received but one or two Christmas gifts in the last 17 years. Oh well. Not my problem.

I also never picked up the rope. My DH does remember cards, flowers, gifts, birthdays, etc., for both his parents and his sister and her family. He does work with his parents and sister to plan visits and holidays and vacations, and we see my ILs about the same as my family.

The one thing my husband doesn't do to his family's satisfaction is call or FT with the kids. MIL and FIL have wheedled me about this, but I told FIL to his face that I am not DH's secretary, and if they want the son they raised to call more, they should ask him directly. But they don't ask directly, they just whine and guilt trip like "oh, we thought you forgot our phone number, what a nice surprise that you called," and DH doesn't fall for that. The last time MIL whined to me about it, I told her what I sometimes say to my own parents: "The phone rings both ways." Both my parents and my ILs act like kids must initiate the call or OMG abandonment, and I don't play that game. I call my parents once or twice a week, regularly, but if I forget a week they just don't call me and try to guilt trip. Nope! The phone rings both ways: if I don't call you and you want to talk? Call.

np The only thing I would add is you are busier than they are and they probably don't want to call you if you are in the middle of work/making dinner/going to ballet/soccer camp etc. Also, why I agree the son should take the lead I also think that it is sad that there is such a division with "his" and "her" family. When you marry you should consider both sides "family" and figure out a way to include and be involved.

... except that no one is saying this to men - only to women. How often do men initiate social events with their ILs, send gifts or cards, etc.?

~Mother of two sons

Anonymous wrote:

This is patriarchy, and women have ALWAYS been complicit in it. It's men, it's women, it's everyone upholding a system in which women work for others, whether it's men or their elders or their children. The whole concept of "feminine labor" (cooking, cleaning, childcare, hostessing, maintaining relationships) is premised on the idea that women need to pay our way through life by taking care of everyone else. It's premised on the idea that we are not enough just as we are, before we've done anything for anyone. Which is how men get to go through the world. Can you imagine?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never picked up the rope. My husband was always in charge of his parents. I’m pretty sure they haven’t received but one or two Christmas gifts in the last 17 years. Oh well. Not my problem.

I also never picked up the rope. My DH does remember cards, flowers, gifts, birthdays, etc., for both his parents and his sister and her family. He does work with his parents and sister to plan visits and holidays and vacations, and we see my ILs about the same as my family.

The one thing my husband doesn't do to his family's satisfaction is call or FT with the kids. MIL and FIL have wheedled me about this, but I told FIL to his face that I am not DH's secretary, and if they want the son they raised to call more, they should ask him directly. But they don't ask directly, they just whine and guilt trip like "oh, we thought you forgot our phone number, what a nice surprise that you called," and DH doesn't fall for that. The last time MIL whined to me about it, I told her what I sometimes say to my own parents: "The phone rings both ways." Both my parents and my ILs act like kids must initiate the call or OMG abandonment, and I don't play that game. I call my parents once or twice a week, regularly, but if I forget a week they just don't call me and try to guilt trip. Nope! The phone rings both ways: if I don't call you and you want to talk? Call.

np The only thing I would add is you are busier than they are and they probably don't want to call you if you are in the middle of work/making dinner/going to ballet/soccer camp etc. Also, why I agree the son should take the lead I also think that it is sad that there is such a division with "his" and "her" family. When you marry you should consider both sides "family" and figure out a way to include and be involved.

Anonymous wrote:Ummm…Why did you pick up the rope in the first place?

My husband has always been in charge of communicating with his family and I’m only responsible for my parents and siblings.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s funny how husbands make it wives’ responsibility to maintain relationships with their parents.

It's funny that grown adult women ever fall for it. If my boyfriend/fiance had ever tried that crap with me, I wouldn't have married him. If my husband told me I was responsible for that stuff I would laugh in his face.

Some women are conditioned by their own family and do this even if their boyfriend/fiance has no expectation and never says anything. My mom definitely tried to condition me to do this stuff. When I got married she was always asking if I was doing this or that for my DHs family (are you arranging visits with them? are you remembering their birthdays and anniversaries? this is part of your job now, you know). By the time I got married I was onto this con but I think a lot of women are raised that this is "polite" and "good manners" and that it's their job. And they only start to question it after years, and often after they become moms themselves, and start to realize who unequal these expectations are.

When I was growing up, my mom also expected me to take 100% responsibility for my relationship with my father. He was unkind to me my entire childhood, would say rude things about my appearance or my grades (I got great grades, by the way, but he'd make a comment on an A- or criticize me if I didn't win a class award that only went to one student in class). He'd also pick fights with me about politics. My mom was constantly advising me to simply "let him have his way." To be polite and gracious with him so that he could feel important and right. She didn't care if I felt important or like my opinion mattered. It was all in service to his ego and whims.

So of course this also extends to ILs. My mom thinks I owe my DH and his family something, like I need to apologize for my existence or make up for my inherent pointlessness by serving them.

This is patriarchy, and women have ALWAYS been complicit in it. It's men, it's women, it's everyone upholding a system in which women work for others, whether it's men or their elders or their children. The whole concept of "feminine labor" (cooking, cleaning, childcare, hostessing, maintaining relationships) is premised on the idea that women need to pay our way through life by taking care of everyone else. It's premised on the idea that we are not enough just as we are, before we've done anything for anyone. Which is how men get to go through the world. Can you imagine?

Yeah, you say this like I didn't have that same type of upbringing. I DID. My dad has never bought his sister a birthday gift since he and my mom got together. And? So? Just because I saw that modeled in my own family doesn't mean I felt compelled to buy into that BS.

Ok? Good for you. Different people have different experiences. And, wait for it, different relationships! Some good, some bad, but I don't think women saying "hell no" to upholding these systems is serviced at all by other women saying "yeah I told you so moron".

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s funny how husbands make it wives’ responsibility to maintain relationships with their parents.

It's funny that grown adult women ever fall for it. If my boyfriend/fiance had ever tried that crap with me, I wouldn't have married him. If my husband told me I was responsible for that stuff I would laugh in his face.

Some women are conditioned by their own family and do this even if their boyfriend/fiance has no expectation and never says anything. My mom definitely tried to condition me to do this stuff. When I got married she was always asking if I was doing this or that for my DHs family (are you arranging visits with them? are you remembering their birthdays and anniversaries? this is part of your job now, you know). By the time I got married I was onto this con but I think a lot of women are raised that this is "polite" and "good manners" and that it's their job. And they only start to question it after years, and often after they become moms themselves, and start to realize who unequal these expectations are.

When I was growing up, my mom also expected me to take 100% responsibility for my relationship with my father. He was unkind to me my entire childhood, would say rude things about my appearance or my grades (I got great grades, by the way, but he'd make a comment on an A- or criticize me if I didn't win a class award that only went to one student in class). He'd also pick fights with me about politics. My mom was constantly advising me to simply "let him have his way." To be polite and gracious with him so that he could feel important and right. She didn't care if I felt important or like my opinion mattered. It was all in service to his ego and whims.

So of course this also extends to ILs. My mom thinks I owe my DH and his family something, like I need to apologize for my existence or make up for my inherent pointlessness by serving them.

This is patriarchy, and women have ALWAYS been complicit in it. It's men, it's women, it's everyone upholding a system in which women work for others, whether it's men or their elders or their children. The whole concept of "feminine labor" (cooking, cleaning, childcare, hostessing, maintaining relationships) is premised on the idea that women need to pay our way through life by taking care of everyone else. It's premised on the idea that we are not enough just as we are, before we've done anything for anyone. Which is how men get to go through the world. Can you imagine?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s funny how husbands make it wives’ responsibility to maintain relationships with their parents.

It's funny that grown adult women ever fall for it. If my boyfriend/fiance had ever tried that crap with me, I wouldn't have married him. If my husband told me I was responsible for that stuff I would laugh in his face.

Some women are conditioned by their own family and do this even if their boyfriend/fiance has no expectation and never says anything. My mom definitely tried to condition me to do this stuff. When I got married she was always asking if I was doing this or that for my DHs family (are you arranging visits with them? are you remembering their birthdays and anniversaries? this is part of your job now, you know). By the time I got married I was onto this con but I think a lot of women are raised that this is "polite" and "good manners" and that it's their job. And they only start to question it after years, and often after they become moms themselves, and start to realize who unequal these expectations are.

When I was growing up, my mom also expected me to take 100% responsibility for my relationship with my father. He was unkind to me my entire childhood, would say rude things about my appearance or my grades (I got great grades, by the way, but he'd make a comment on an A- or criticize me if I didn't win a class award that only went to one student in class). He'd also pick fights with me about politics. My mom was constantly advising me to simply "let him have his way." To be polite and gracious with him so that he could feel important and right. She didn't care if I felt important or like my opinion mattered. It was all in service to his ego and whims.

So of course this also extends to ILs. My mom thinks I owe my DH and his family something, like I need to apologize for my existence or make up for my inherent pointlessness by serving them.

This is patriarchy, and women have ALWAYS been complicit in it. It's men, it's women, it's everyone upholding a system in which women work for others, whether it's men or their elders or their children. The whole concept of "feminine labor" (cooking, cleaning, childcare, hostessing, maintaining relationships) is premised on the idea that women need to pay our way through life by taking care of everyone else. It's premised on the idea that we are not enough just as we are, before we've done anything for anyone. Which is how men get to go through the world. Can you imagine?

Yeah, you say this like I didn't have that same type of upbringing. I DID. My dad has never bought his sister a birthday gift since he and my mom got together. And? So? Just because I saw that modeled in my own family doesn't mean I felt compelled to buy into that BS.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s funny how husbands make it wives’ responsibility to maintain relationships with their parents.

It's funny that grown adult women ever fall for it. If my boyfriend/fiance had ever tried that crap with me, I wouldn't have married him. If my husband told me I was responsible for that stuff I would laugh in his face.

Some women are conditioned by their own family and do this even if their boyfriend/fiance has no expectation and never says anything. My mom definitely tried to condition me to do this stuff. When I got married she was always asking if I was doing this or that for my DHs family (are you arranging visits with them? are you remembering their birthdays and anniversaries? this is part of your job now, you know). By the time I got married I was onto this con but I think a lot of women are raised that this is "polite" and "good manners" and that it's their job. And they only start to question it after years, and often after they become moms themselves, and start to realize who unequal these expectations are.

When I was growing up, my mom also expected me to take 100% responsibility for my relationship with my father. He was unkind to me my entire childhood, would say rude things about my appearance or my grades (I got great grades, by the way, but he'd make a comment on an A- or criticize me if I didn't win a class award that only went to one student in class). He'd also pick fights with me about politics. My mom was constantly advising me to simply "let him have his way." To be polite and gracious with him so that he could feel important and right. She didn't care if I felt important or like my opinion mattered. It was all in service to his ego and whims.

So of course this also extends to ILs. My mom thinks I owe my DH and his family something, like I need to apologize for my existence or make up for my inherent pointlessness by serving them.

This is patriarchy, and women have ALWAYS been complicit in it. It's men, it's women, it's everyone upholding a system in which women work for others, whether it's men or their elders or their children. The whole concept of "feminine labor" (cooking, cleaning, childcare, hostessing, maintaining relationships) is premised on the idea that women need to pay our way through life by taking care of everyone else. It's premised on the idea that we are not enough just as we are, before we've done anything for anyone. Which is how men get to go through the world. Can you imagine?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s funny how husbands make it wives’ responsibility to maintain relationships with their parents.

It's funny that grown adult women ever fall for it. If my boyfriend/fiance had ever tried that crap with me, I wouldn't have married him. If my husband told me I was responsible for that stuff I would laugh in his face.

What if he asked you nicely to pick out something for his mom? Most men don't come out and say "you are responsible for MY family" It is more subtle than that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a pretty good relationship with the in-laws, but the reason I do more than I otherwise would is I want my kid to have a good relationship with them, if she wants it.

+1. My ILs love DS and have done 10x for him (and me to be honest) than I have given back in handling all the cards, flowers, meals out, etc. for special occasions. I enjoy sending a beautiful flower arrangement and knowing how much my MIL will enjoy it too. I hope that DS marries someone who is not a sour DCUM mom.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never picked up the rope. My husband was always in charge of his parents. I’m pretty sure they haven’t received but one or two Christmas gifts in the last 17 years. Oh well. Not my problem.

I also never picked up the rope. My DH does remember cards, flowers, gifts, birthdays, etc., for both his parents and his sister and her family. He does work with his parents and sister to plan visits and holidays and vacations, and we see my ILs about the same as my family.

The one thing my husband doesn't do to his family's satisfaction is call or FT with the kids. MIL and FIL have wheedled me about this, but I told FIL to his face that I am not DH's secretary, and if they want the son they raised to call more, they should ask him directly. But they don't ask directly, they just whine and guilt trip like "oh, we thought you forgot our phone number, what a nice surprise that you called," and DH doesn't fall for that. The last time MIL whined to me about it, I told her what I sometimes say to my own parents: "The phone rings both ways." Both my parents and my ILs act like kids must initiate the call or OMG abandonment, and I don't play that game. I call my parents once or twice a week, regularly, but if I forget a week they just don't call me and try to guilt trip. Nope! The phone rings both ways: if I don't call you and you want to talk? Call.

np The only thing I would add is you are busier than they are and they probably don't want to call you if you are in the middle of work/making dinner/going to ballet/soccer camp etc. Also, why I agree the son should take the lead I also think that it is sad that there is such a division with "his" and "her" family. When you marry you should consider both sides "family" and figure out a way to include and be involved.