Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's question is "if you forgave infidelity, how did you do it?", not "Should I forgive infidelity?" I would assume they are past the point of needing to repeatedly hear the clichéd and unhelpful "Once a cheater, always a cheater." We all make mistakes, some very serious. Should it be assumed that we will 100% repeat all our mistakes?

The problem is that this person allowed themselves to get to this level through their own rationalization. You could say the same thing about other bad behaviors. Once a stealer always a stealer or once a liar always a liar or once a physical abuser always a physical abuser. Basically it takes that person realizing that they crossed a line and realize that they themselves never want to cross that line again and because the spouse holds the cards to enabling this behavior or not they are stuck either living with someone and not holding them accountable or leaving with the likelihood that they won't return. As the victim they aren't a bystander who can hold the person accountable without major repercussions to the relationship and their life. Most of the time the cheater has rationalized the decision and feels guilty about causing the stress in the marriage but not about the act and so because they haven't rationalized the actual act as bad, it's likely to repeat.

As someone who has come *this* close to crossing the line (but did not), and also someone who is very much against cheating and deception, all I can say is that it can feel like a very bad drug trip. I never understood how people could commit suicide before I felt the pull to cheat. I had to write a cringe-worthy email to the other person asking them to help me not cross the line by creating distance. They did, thankfully, and I think it was a big relief to us both as we are both married. To this day, if they made a move, I am not sure I could stay faithful. I have had crushes that one can manage before, but sometimes, it's like an out-of-body experience. We don't talk about it nearly enough as a society. My spouse is absolutely amazing, btw, so this has nothing to do with me missing something in my marriage. It was also not a case of "rationalization." I never justified these thoughts or feelings by any means. All I thought is, if this happens, and my spouse finds out, I will deserve whatever is wrath comes my way. And I felt terrible. Thankfully, it is now in the past and nothing did happen. I just hope I never have the experience again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's question is "if you forgave infidelity, how did you do it?", not "Should I forgive infidelity?" I would assume they are past the point of needing to repeatedly hear the clichéd and unhelpful "Once a cheater, always a cheater." We all make mistakes, some very serious. Should it be assumed that we will 100% repeat all our mistakes?

The problem is that this person allowed themselves to get to this level through their own rationalization. You could say the same thing about other bad behaviors. Once a stealer always a stealer or once a liar always a liar or once a physical abuser always a physical abuser. Basically it takes that person realizing that they crossed a line and realize that they themselves never want to cross that line again and because the spouse holds the cards to enabling this behavior or not they are stuck either living with someone and not holding them accountable or leaving with the likelihood that they won't return. As the victim they aren't a bystander who can hold the person accountable without major repercussions to the relationship and their life. Most of the time the cheater has rationalized the decision and feels guilty about causing the stress in the marriage but not about the act and so because they haven't rationalized the actual act as bad, it's likely to repeat.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to understand why any spouse would stay after infidelity. I don't see how you repair that.

I used to think this and now I believe that I’d stay. DD is severely depressed and has severe anxiety and has mentioned on more than one occasion how grateful she is that her parents aren’t divorced and how hard it would be on her. Once my husband joked about divorcing me (it was 100% a joke and really quite funny) and DD overheard and freaked out.

So I wouldn’t divorce because I’d be terrified of what she would do. But I think I’d declare the marriage open, never sleep with him again, stop anything emotionally intimate, etc. I wouldn’t try to repair the marriage, I’d just be roommates. And probably divorce at some point.

My grandmother did this for decades. She only told her children after my grandfather died. They slept in the same room on separate beds, and everyone assumed it was because my grandfather had a bad back and needed a firmer mattress.

She was tired of his cheating and stopped sleeping with him He kept cheating and she probably never had sex for decades( I am assuming. Noone has ever asked her).

The children were happy and did not uspect a thing. She and my grandfather combined income and otherwise behaved like a close married couple until he died in his 80s. She lived her husband and taking sex out of the equation took the stress out of it too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to understand why any spouse would stay after infidelity. I don't see how you repair that.

I used to think this and now I believe that I’d stay. DD is severely depressed and has severe anxiety and has mentioned on more than one occasion how grateful she is that her parents aren’t divorced and how hard it would be on her. Once my husband joked about divorcing me (it was 100% a joke and really quite funny) and DD overheard and freaked out.

So I wouldn’t divorce because I’d be terrified of what she would do. But I think I’d declare the marriage open, never sleep with him again, stop anything emotionally intimate, etc. I wouldn’t try to repair the marriage, I’d just be roommates. And probably divorce at some point.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's question is "if you forgave infidelity, how did you do it?", not "Should I forgive infidelity?" I would assume they are past the point of needing to repeatedly hear the clichéd and unhelpful "Once a cheater, always a cheater." We all make mistakes, some very serious. Should it be assumed that we will 100% repeat all our mistakes?

The problem is that this person allowed themselves to get to this level through their own rationalization. You could say the same thing about other bad behaviors. Once a stealer always a stealer or once a liar always a liar or once a physical abuser always a physical abuser. Basically it takes that person realizing that they crossed a line and realize that they themselves never want to cross that line again and because the spouse holds the cards to enabling this behavior or not they are stuck either living with someone and not holding them accountable or leaving with the likelihood that they won't return. As the victim they aren't a bystander who can hold the person accountable without major repercussions to the relationship and their life. Most of the time the cheater has rationalized the decision and feels guilty about causing the stress in the marriage but not about the act and so because they haven't rationalized the actual act as bad, it's likely to repeat.

Anonymous wrote:OP's question is "if you forgave infidelity, how did you do it?", not "Should I forgive infidelity?" I would assume they are past the point of needing to repeatedly hear the clichéd and unhelpful "Once a cheater, always a cheater." We all make mistakes, some very serious. Should it be assumed that we will 100% repeat all our mistakes?

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to understand why any spouse would stay after infidelity. I don't see how you repair that.

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to understand why any spouse would stay after infidelity. I don't see how you repair that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's question is "if you forgave infidelity, how did you do it?", not "Should I forgive infidelity?" I would assume they are past the point of needing to repeatedly hear the clichéd and unhelpful "Once a cheater, always a cheater." We all make mistakes, some very serious. Should it be assumed that we will 100% repeat all our mistakes?

Most marriages survive infidelity. That stat includes those known affairs, let alone ones not known.

I suppose for me, I couldn't imagine uprooting my life over his mistake. Why do I lose half my assets, my social circle and my kids and introduce a step parent or parents just because he can't keep it in his pants? It's like cutting off my nose to spite my face

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd read Esther Perel's books as a start.

please don't. She's an affair apologist and implies the marriage or the BS, had something to do with it.

Your comment proves you've never read any of her work.

Agree. I don’t think she is an apologist. I think she looks objectively at why people have affairs. Not an easy read if you’re the betrayed spouse, but if you can read it from the vantage point of understanding (despite entirely agreeing) then it is of value.

Anonymous wrote:OP's question is "if you forgave infidelity, how did you do it?", not "Should I forgive infidelity?" I would assume they are past the point of needing to repeatedly hear the clichéd and unhelpful "Once a cheater, always a cheater." We all make mistakes, some very serious. Should it be assumed that we will 100% repeat all our mistakes?