Anonymous
05/23/2022 23:36
Subject: Re:Constantly asking for play dates with cousins
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here, yes, you are spot on. My kid has a full dance card. We feel very lucky to have found some close friends for him and ourselves.
SIL is not enjoyable to be around and her kids can be a pain. My son even mentioned the other day that he thought his older cousin was “too rough.”
Ok, ok. Jesus. We get it. You don’t like SIL and you are a petty grudge holder. And you are feeling smug and superior now that your life is full and secure. You recognize that annoying SIL and her annoying kids are feeling needy and your natural reaction is to withhold. You’re well within your rights to do so, but own your behavior in all this. If you are still ticking off offenses SIL has committed in your mind from years ago, well maybe it’s time for a little honesty: “Sue, I am feeling burdened and think I better come clean because I’d genuinely like for us to be friendly. Of course I’d love for DD to grow up knowing her cousins. And I’m sure moving and having to create new circles is friends has been hard. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still bothered by some of the things you’ve said and done over the years. So, I guess I’m having a hard time adjusting to this new arrangement where we live near one another and you want to get together a lot more often. Can we have a heart to heart? I know there’s risk of estrangement with too much honesty among family members, but I think we should try.” And then just get it all out on the table.
Is she a single mom?
No, her husband is a stay at home dad. I don’t know if he has been successful organizing play dates in the DMV.
I like the idea of coming clean but I could see her getting defensive. Maybe that’s a risk I take.
Anonymous
05/23/2022 22:58
Subject: Re:Constantly asking for play dates with cousins
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote: I want to be there to supervise the dynamic between the cousins.
if this is op, then there is way more going on than one comment. my SIL was horrid at our wedding, absolutely horrid, but life goes on. of course, i'm on alert in high stakes gathering where she may do so again (fool me once....), but other than that, it is live and let live. perhaps your SIL is not able to apologize in the way you would like, but sounds like she is making an effort at building community. FWIW, I have a good friend - we were work colleagues years ago. Liked her as a person, but she was kind of immature at the office. I now have a business as a life coach and occasionally she asks me for insights on her work challenges. She is amazingly so much more mature in the work place than she was 15-20 years - I would have never guessed that she could have made those kinds of strides based on her prior conduct. maybe same for SIL?
Yes, she was not very nice at my wedding either. I think she will have to change her attitude or she’ll end up friendless here.
Anonymous
05/23/2022 22:54
Subject: Re:Constantly asking for play dates with cousins
Anonymous wrote:OP here, yes, you are spot on. My kid has a full dance card. We feel very lucky to have found some close friends for him and ourselves.
SIL is not enjoyable to be around and her kids can be a pain. My son even mentioned the other day that he thought his older cousin was “too rough.”
Ok, ok. Jesus. We get it. You don’t like SIL and you are a petty grudge holder. And you are feeling smug and superior now that your life is full and secure. You recognize that annoying SIL and her annoying kids are feeling needy and your natural reaction is to withhold. You’re well within your rights to do so, but own your behavior in all this. If you are still ticking off offenses SIL has committed in your mind from years ago, well maybe it’s time for a little honesty: “Sue, I am feeling burdened and think I better come clean because I’d genuinely like for us to be friendly. Of course I’d love for DD to grow up knowing her cousins. And I’m sure moving and having to create new circles is friends has been hard. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still bothered by some of the things you’ve said and done over the years. So, I guess I’m having a hard time adjusting to this new arrangement where we live near one another and you want to get together a lot more often. Can we have a heart to heart? I know there’s risk of estrangement with too much honesty among family members, but I think we should try.” And then just get it all out on the table.
Is she a single mom?
Anonymous
05/23/2022 22:41
Subject: Constantly asking for play dates with cousins
OP sounds nasty and mean spirited and not very generous towards family members in need.
Anonymous
05/23/2022 22:37
Subject: Re:Constantly asking for play dates with cousins
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:She went to UVA
Yup, there ya go.
Son got to go to ivy. Daughter to state school.
How do you know she had the grades and qualifications for an Ivy? Most kids don’t. In the families I know where one kid went Ivy and others didn’t, the others wouldn’t have gotten in. Stop the baseless assumptions.
Anonymous
05/23/2022 22:36
Subject: Re:Constantly asking for play dates with cousins
Anonymous wrote: I want to be there to supervise the dynamic between the cousins.
if this is op, then there is way more going on than one comment. my SIL was horrid at our wedding, absolutely horrid, but life goes on. of course, i'm on alert in high stakes gathering where she may do so again (fool me once....), but other than that, it is live and let live. perhaps your SIL is not able to apologize in the way you would like, but sounds like she is making an effort at building community. FWIW, I have a good friend - we were work colleagues years ago. Liked her as a person, but she was kind of immature at the office. I now have a business as a life coach and occasionally she asks me for insights on her work challenges. She is amazingly so much more mature in the work place than she was 15-20 years - I would have never guessed that she could have made those kinds of strides based on her prior conduct. maybe same for SIL?
Anonymous
05/23/2022 22:19
Subject: Re:Constantly asking for play dates with cousins
I want to be there to supervise the dynamic between the cousins.
Anonymous
05/23/2022 22:08
Subject: Constantly asking for play dates with cousins
Shouldn’t your DH take your son out for some of these outings?
Anonymous
05/23/2022 22:08
Subject: Re:Constantly asking for play dates with cousins
The kids seem to play well together since the two cousins moved here last year. But I’ve seen the older one straight up deck the younger child.
When we got together in March, the older cousin was swinging around a large bean bag that hit his brother and some other kids in the vicinity.
My son later said to me, without prompting, that his older cousin was “too rough.”
When we got together in March, the older cousin was swinging around a large bean bag that hit his brother and some other kids in the vicinity.
My son later said to me, without prompting, that his older cousin was “too rough.”
Anonymous
05/23/2022 21:46
Subject: Constantly asking for play dates with cousins
OP hasn’t mentioned whether her son likes to play with his cousins—just that she thinks they’re bad kids.
Here’s a clue OP—siblings fight sometimes. It’s normal.
Here’s a clue OP—siblings fight sometimes. It’s normal.
Anonymous
05/23/2022 21:41
Subject: Re:Constantly asking for play dates with cousins
It was just one example of the type of comments she has made over the years. That one was particularly hurtful so I shared it as an example.
I agree that I should let it go but you should have seen her face when I said in reply “well he’s more than made up for it.” She was STEAMING.
I just don’t understand how someone can be so mean to someone over the years and then come
crawling back to mend a relationship. No apologies, just suddenly demanding a relationship to fill the cup of her needy kids.
I’m getting over it and taking the advice from this forum to get together once a quarter for the kids sake.
I agree that I should let it go but you should have seen her face when I said in reply “well he’s more than made up for it.” She was STEAMING.
I just don’t understand how someone can be so mean to someone over the years and then come
crawling back to mend a relationship. No apologies, just suddenly demanding a relationship to fill the cup of her needy kids.
I’m getting over it and taking the advice from this forum to get together once a quarter for the kids sake.
Anonymous
05/23/2022 20:18
Subject: Re:Constantly asking for play dates with cousins
Anonymous wrote:Thanks so much for this. You’re right. It was a long time ago. I’m just so proud of my husband for doing so well. He partied a lot in college and didn’t try hard enough with getting the right internship. He’s a huge success now and I’m glad SIL can see that.
I don’t know what your in laws financial situation is but I was angry with my brother for treating college like an expense paid 4 year party and it cost a lot less than $50k a year. I went to a much better school. I’d definitely get over that comment. If you don’t want to spend time with them, it’s ok, but not over a semi deserved comment from years ago.
Anonymous
05/23/2022 14:03
Subject: Re:Constantly asking for play dates with cousins
Anonymous wrote: UVA is a very good school. I have no idea where else she applied. All I know is that my husband had high SAT scores and was a recruited athlete. And yes it cost $50k+ per year to attend.
Doesn’t it seem weird to you that anyone cares about where you went to college?!? At your age?
Anonymous
05/23/2022 14:02
Subject: Re:Constantly asking for play dates with cousins
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:She went to UVA
Yup, there ya go.
Son got to go to ivy. Daughter to state school.
OP, wouldn't you be frustrated if your dad did the same thing? I don't get how SIL's comment stung you. If their dad was this sexist with education, imagine what SIL was up against her ENTIRE CHILDHOOD.
Hold on. We don’t know that SIL wanted to go Ivy or could get in.
Anonymous
05/23/2022 14:02
Subject: Re:Constantly asking for play dates with cousins
UVA is a very good school. I have no idea where else she applied. All I know is that my husband had high SAT scores and was a recruited athlete. And yes it cost $50k+ per year to attend.