Anonymous wrote:OP, it wasn’t until my father died that I understood the complexity of it. And he was in his 80s. I was then very tuned in and ready to help anyone because I went through it.

When I was in my late 20s, a friend’s Dad died and I now know how unsupportive I was because I was inexperienced in life & death. I am a caring person but so unaware.

Some insights can only be gained through life experience. That is why we should respect elders, and their hard earned wisdom.

Some of the responsibilities fall upon their son. How you and he split that up is an issue in your marriage.

This is unrelated to your parent’s situation. It is sexist and old fashioned for the women to think this is between them.

OP, it wasn’t until my father died that I understood the complexity of it. And he was in his 80s. I was then very tuned in and ready to help anyone because I went through it.

When I was in my late 20s, a friend’s Dad died and I now know how unsupportive I was because I was inexperienced in life & death. I am a caring person but so unaware.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your SILs have partners/significant others, are they expected to contribute to the care of your MIL? If not, tell the SILs to pound sand, particularly how unsupportive they were when you were dealing with your parents’ illnesses and subsequent deaths.

This right here.

Another angle: “I will be supporting DH in his role as a primary caregiver. I will not be a primary caregiver. You need to keep in mind my role as you and DH discuss long-term options.”

But OP has already said the SIL’s spouse is on the chart and the other SIL does not have one. OP is the only one not participating and her husband is doing only half of the time everyone else does. I mean their choice but they are really not doing their share.

Um, yes. Of the three direct children, OP’s DH is indeed doing “his share.” OP is not obligated to do anything here. Good for BIL that he is, but that’s voluntary, not obligation.

This is OP here.
My husband is doing what he can. He sees his mom half a day per week. He keeps her company and he takes her out to the local park where they buy a cup of coffee or an ice cream. He does any jobs that need doing in her house on the day he's with her. He also takes care of the administrative and financial side of things from afar (usually online).

My husband is the only one of the 3 children who works full-time so he can't spend more time with her. The half day he spends with her he makes up by working longer hours on other days.

SILs don't work, but they have alternative incomes through inheritance and/ or investments. So they have more time to spend with MIL. They live 30-40 minutes away from MIL, we live 1 hr 30 mins away, so in the event of an emergency or a crisis it's the SILs who go to MIL's house as they can get there quicker.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your SILs have partners/significant others, are they expected to contribute to the care of your MIL? If not, tell the SILs to pound sand, particularly how unsupportive they were when you were dealing with your parents’ illnesses and subsequent deaths.

This right here.

Another angle: “I will be supporting DH in his role as a primary caregiver. I will not be a primary caregiver. You need to keep in mind my role as you and DH discuss long-term options.”

But OP has already said the SIL’s spouse is on the chart and the other SIL does not have one. OP is the only one not participating and her husband is doing only half of the time everyone else does. I mean their choice but they are really not doing their share.

Um, yes. Of the three direct children, OP’s DH is indeed doing “his share.” OP is not obligated to do anything here. Good for BIL that he is, but that’s voluntary, not obligation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your SILs have partners/significant others, are they expected to contribute to the care of your MIL? If not, tell the SILs to pound sand, particularly how unsupportive they were when you were dealing with your parents’ illnesses and subsequent deaths.

This right here.

Another angle: “I will be supporting DH in his role as a primary caregiver. I will not be a primary caregiver. You need to keep in mind my role as you and DH discuss long-term options.”

But OP has already said the SIL’s spouse is on the chart and the other SIL does not have one. OP is the only one not participating and her husband is doing only half of the time everyone else does. I mean their choice but they are really not doing their share.

Here’s what: SIL’s husband might have been either asked and said yes or voluntold and went along with it.

If DH wants OP’s help, he needs to ASK and they need to get on the same page with what role she would like to play.

I would 100% help my ILs but it would not be the same level of responsibility as my husband. But by the way, OP watching the kids all day on a Saturday while her husband goes to visit his mom, or OP doing dinner/watching the kids all evening and putting them to bed while DH is taking care of his mom on a weeknight *IS* OP helping the overall situation.

Your relationship to your MIL is direct, through marriage. No, that’s not the same as being her daughter. You can make it clear that you will be helping but that you will not be on the “rotation” if that’s what makes you the most comfortable.

But…you live on another planet if you think your SILs (and by the way, why not the husband of the SIL who is still in the picture) should have helped with your parents, especially as they lived hours away?! Not the same relationship. At all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your SILs have partners/significant others, are they expected to contribute to the care of your MIL? If not, tell the SILs to pound sand, particularly how unsupportive they were when you were dealing with your parents’ illnesses and subsequent deaths.

This right here.

Another angle: “I will be supporting DH in his role as a primary caregiver. I will not be a primary caregiver. You need to keep in mind my role as you and DH discuss long-term options.”

But OP has already said the SIL’s spouse is on the chart and the other SIL does not have one. OP is the only one not participating and her husband is doing only half of the time everyone else does. I mean their choice but they are really not doing their share.

This is your mil. Itis a different situation than your parents. They should not help with your parents. Just say no.

Anonymous wrote:Just curious, OP: your SILs have asked for help with their mother- did you ask them for help dealing with your parents passing and they outright refused? Or was it all just kind of implicit and unspoken?

I am the OP.
No, I never asked my SILs for help dealing with my parents' passing. It didn't even cross my mind to ask them for help.

After my mom died, my dad and I organised her funeral and we dealt with the aftermath together. After my dad died, I organised his funeral on my own. I had no practical and emotional support from anyone, except from my husband. My own relatives stayed in the background.

I know my SILs weren't obligated to provide support but they COULD have asked me about my parents from time to time, or made the effort to spend a little time with me during my parents' illnesses and after their funerals.
My parents died far too young and I felt very stressed and upset when they were ill and after they passed. Talking to someone who listened is what I missed.

Anonymous wrote:If your SILs have partners/significant others, are they expected to contribute to the care of your MIL? If not, tell the SILs to pound sand, particularly how unsupportive they were when you were dealing with your parents’ illnesses and subsequent deaths.

This right here.

Another angle: “I will be supporting DH in his role as a primary caregiver. I will not be a primary caregiver. You need to keep in mind my role as you and DH discuss long-term options.”

Just curious, OP: your SILs have asked for help with their mother- did you ask them for help dealing with your parents passing and they outright refused? Or was it all just kind of implicit and unspoken?

I actually don’t think the SILs are behaving in a way that’s egregious or particularly unfair to OP. It sounds like they are both pulling their weight and that the partnered sister’s DH is also on the calendar. While it’s entirely up to you I think you should offer to help out, especially given that you are close with MIL.

Anonymous wrote:Hurting your MIL because of your SILs?

No, this is the wrong idea. OP is not hurting her MIL because of her SILs. She's putting more of a burden on her SILs. If OP doesn't help, the SILs are not going to abandon MIL for part of the time, they're just going to have to do more themselves. MIL isn't arranging her own care, the SILs are.

OP, I totally get why you don't want to help the SILs in their time of need. They weren't there for you, and you're resentful (rightfully so), and I'm with you. Stand your ground.

Whatever your DH does is up to him. If he doesn't give his mother as much help as his SILs do, that's up to him. If he asks you to go help her for his sake, then go because you support him. But set boundaries and don't do it because the SILs are pressuring him, only do it if the request is truly from him.

OP's husband needs to make it clear that his name appears on the chart. OP can stand in for him but that's an arrangement between husband and spouse. They are his sisters, not OPs. OP has a right to feel trespassed upon. Ultimately, this is a fence the DH needs to reinforce.