Anonymous
Post 05/16/2022 13:51     Subject: Etiquettes- guests coming empty handed to dinner is this okay?
Anonymous wrote:Wondering if your dinner guests were young or rarely cook? I always bring something because I KNOW how much effort it takes to pull this simple meal together. Did these guests send a thank you note? If neither, they are heathens!!


Sure, but I want to do it. That is why I invited you...not for a candle that smells like the beach.
Anonymous
Post 05/16/2022 13:50     Subject: Etiquettes- guests coming empty handed to dinner is this okay?
I was raised to always bring something. Flowers, wine or candy. No expectations that anything i brought would be served. I always ask if there is something i can bring and if nothing then its flowers. If i know the hosts then wine/liquor they like or candy they like.
Anonymous
Post 05/16/2022 13:49     Subject: Etiquettes- guests coming empty handed to dinner is this okay?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is the kind of thing I wring my hands about as a guest, but never as a host. It would not occur to me to feel slighted by a guest coming empty-handed, let alone start a thread on DCUM about it.


I agree with this but asking for leftovers to take home…?


Ok yes that was weird lol. Perhaps OP is a victim of her own superior cooking?
Anonymous
Post 05/16/2022 13:48     Subject: Etiquettes- guests coming empty handed to dinner is this okay?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The way I was raised, it is standard to bring a gift that is not expected to be part of the meal, even if you ask what you can bring to be part of the meal, and are told “nothing”. What that means is the hosts doesn’t need an extra dish on the table, not that you shouldn’t thank them for inviting you.

That said:

it’s also perfectly ok to do the thank you gift AFTER the event (say drop off flowers the next day), and

the etiquette rules are more casual with people we are closer with, and see more often. If I happen to be in my best friends neighborhood and they say to stop by for lunch or a drink I’ll do so, even if I don’t have anything with me, but I might bring two bottles of wine, or wine and flowers, another night when I’m invited for dinner.



Please thank me verbally, with a note, or by inviting me to your house in return. I do not want physical gifts.


That's fine, but etiquette dictates bringing something, and there are those hosts who *will* be offended by empty-handed guests, so it's wise to err on the side of caution and bring wine/flowers/etc.


NP - I completely disagree. If I invite someone to my home, I do not expect anything from them whatsoever except for their pleasant company. Expecting a gift from an invited guest is gauche and crude, and reflects poorly on the host, in my opinion. If my guests do show up with something, I thank them of course, but I never expect anything.


I also don’t expect anything, but obviously many people do, so it is safer to err on the side of bringing something. I don’t know why this is such a difficult concept to grasp. I’d rather my host be put out by having to deal with my gift than my host thinking I was raised by wolves.
Anonymous
Post 05/16/2022 13:44     Subject: Re:Etiquettes- guests coming empty handed to dinner is this okay?
And one more thing... stop making hospitality so transactional. If you enjoy spending time with people, invite them over.
Anonymous
Post 05/16/2022 13:44     Subject: Re:Etiquettes- guests coming empty handed to dinner is this okay?
The only people who show up to our house empty-handed are our siblings and very best friends. And even they often bring a bottle of wine, flowers, a book they think we'd like, dessert, a gift for the kids, whatever. I agree with your partner.

Anonymous
Post 05/16/2022 13:42     Subject: Etiquettes- guests coming empty handed to dinner is this okay?
Anonymous wrote:I have different expectations of others when they are my guests and different expectation of myself as a guest.

I always bring gifts - flowers, chocolates, wine. when I am a guest.

I don't expect gifts when others come to my house.

I almost never take back leftovers when I go to other peoples home. I always offer leftovers (packed in tupperware and already in plastic bags to carry home) to my guests because I tend to cook in large quantities for any event.

If you like the people you invited and had a good time, don't get hung up on these little things.


+1 And there are just as many threads on DCUM telling people... "don't bring food, I already prepared the menu," "don't bring wine, I carefully selected the wines that I wanted to serve," "don't bring chocolates, I don't think that you should assume I eat sweets," "definitely don't bring a houseplant, I have enough stuff" and on and on... People honestly can't win.
Anonymous
Post 05/16/2022 13:36     Subject: Etiquettes- guests coming empty handed to dinner is this okay?
Anonymous wrote:This is the kind of thing I wring my hands about as a guest, but never as a host. It would not occur to me to feel slighted by a guest coming empty-handed, let alone start a thread on DCUM about it.


I agree with this but asking for leftovers to take home…?
Anonymous
Post 05/16/2022 13:33     Subject: Etiquettes- guests coming empty handed to dinner is this okay?
This is the kind of thing I wring my hands about as a guest, but never as a host. It would not occur to me to feel slighted by a guest coming empty-handed, let alone start a thread on DCUM about it.
Anonymous
Post 05/16/2022 13:29     Subject: Etiquettes- guests coming empty handed to dinner is this okay?
Bringing a hostess gift is polite but I’ve been guilty of running late and not having time to pick up wine or flowers before arriving. It happens.

I wouldn’t think twice about someone not bringing a hostess gift, it’s not a big deal to me at all and although it’s a nice gesture it’s by no means necessary.

The leftovers part is what is odd to me. I would never ask for leftovers and would only take them if the host insisted, which has happened before after a big meal like Thanksgiving.
Anonymous
Post 05/16/2022 13:28     Subject: Etiquettes- guests coming empty handed to dinner is this okay?
Wondering if your dinner guests were young or rarely cook? I always bring something because I KNOW how much effort it takes to pull this simple meal together. Did these guests send a thank you note? If neither, they are heathens!!
Anonymous
Post 05/16/2022 13:24     Subject: Etiquettes- guests coming empty handed to dinner is this okay?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The way I was raised, it is standard to bring a gift that is not expected to be part of the meal, even if you ask what you can bring to be part of the meal, and are told “nothing”. What that means is the hosts doesn’t need an extra dish on the table, not that you shouldn’t thank them for inviting you.

That said:

it’s also perfectly ok to do the thank you gift AFTER the event (say drop off flowers the next day), and

the etiquette rules are more casual with people we are closer with, and see more often. If I happen to be in my best friends neighborhood and they say to stop by for lunch or a drink I’ll do so, even if I don’t have anything with me, but I might bring two bottles of wine, or wine and flowers, another night when I’m invited for dinner.



Please thank me verbally, with a note, or by inviting me to your house in return. I do not want physical gifts.


That's fine, but etiquette dictates bringing something, and there are those hosts who *will* be offended by empty-handed guests, so it's wise to err on the side of caution and bring wine/flowers/etc.


NP - I completely disagree. If I invite someone to my home, I do not expect anything from them whatsoever except for their pleasant company. Expecting a gift from an invited guest is gauche and crude, and reflects poorly on the host, in my opinion. If my guests do show up with something, I thank them of course, but I never expect anything.


This is correct. If you, as a host, are scorekeeping whether someone brought you flowers or a candle you are not good at hospitality. I would prefer no gifts, but not accepting one gracefully would be beyond rude as well.
Anonymous
Post 05/16/2022 13:22     Subject: Re:Etiquettes- guests coming empty handed to dinner is this okay?
Anonymous wrote:We entertain often and most people bring something but I certainly don't keep track and it's not expected. I find it happens more often when we have big events (like a holiday party). I was always taught that people reciprocate rather than bring gifts. But that doesn't always happen so the hostess gift was born to reduce the need to reciprocate.

I am honestly not a big fan of hostess gifts. It's often food we don't eat, or wine that isn't very good, or some trinket we don't need. I think there are some hostess gifts that just go into rotation - probably show up at 4 houses before someone finally stops the chain.


Most things are just re-gifted or donated here. I really prefer you just come. Do you think I really want another candle??
Anonymous
Post 05/16/2022 13:19     Subject: Etiquettes- guests coming empty handed to dinner is this okay?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The way I was raised, it is standard to bring a gift that is not expected to be part of the meal, even if you ask what you can bring to be part of the meal, and are told “nothing”. What that means is the hosts doesn’t need an extra dish on the table, not that you shouldn’t thank them for inviting you.

That said:

it’s also perfectly ok to do the thank you gift AFTER the event (say drop off flowers the next day), and

the etiquette rules are more casual with people we are closer with, and see more often. If I happen to be in my best friends neighborhood and they say to stop by for lunch or a drink I’ll do so, even if I don’t have anything with me, but I might bring two bottles of wine, or wine and flowers, another night when I’m invited for dinner.



Please thank me verbally, with a note, or by inviting me to your house in return. I do not want physical gifts.


That's fine, but etiquette dictates bringing something, and there are those hosts who *will* be offended by empty-handed guests, so it's wise to err on the side of caution and bring wine/flowers/etc.


NP - I completely disagree. If I invite someone to my home, I do not expect anything from them whatsoever except for their pleasant company. Expecting a gift from an invited guest is gauche and crude, and reflects poorly on the host, in my opinion. If my guests do show up with something, I thank them of course, but I never expect anything.
Anonymous
Post 05/16/2022 13:15     Subject: Etiquettes- guests coming empty handed to dinner is this okay?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The way I was raised, it is standard to bring a gift that is not expected to be part of the meal, even if you ask what you can bring to be part of the meal, and are told “nothing”. What that means is the hosts doesn’t need an extra dish on the table, not that you shouldn’t thank them for inviting you.

That said:

it’s also perfectly ok to do the thank you gift AFTER the event (say drop off flowers the next day), and

the etiquette rules are more casual with people we are closer with, and see more often. If I happen to be in my best friends neighborhood and they say to stop by for lunch or a drink I’ll do so, even if I don’t have anything with me, but I might bring two bottles of wine, or wine and flowers, another night when I’m invited for dinner.



Please thank me verbally, with a note, or by inviting me to your house in return. I do not want physical gifts.


That's fine, but etiquette dictates bringing something, and there are those hosts who *will* be offended by empty-handed guests, so it's wise to err on the side of caution and bring wine/flowers/etc.