Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's normal for people to respond truthfully when asked about a relative. What's he supposed to do when his mom asked about your mom? Lie? It's not lack of common sense. He deals with things in a straightforward manner and your plans of when to tell and whom to tell are much too complicated.

I view news of this nature as something that you don't volunteer, but when asked by people who care, you don't lie either.

When someone asks how is Larlo doing, I talk about their sports, music, school, friends. I don't launch into their latest doctor's visit. Weird that you jump straight to health.

Your Larlo example is appropriate for a child. It's not appropriate for adults. How is YOUR mother doing with her tennis game and understanding Lizzo's lyrics of her latest song and her 65th HS reunion? See how ridiculous that sounds.

It would seem perfectly reasonably to talk about the latest play the grandmother attended, or the game night, or book club, or the volunteering she does with her church, or the trip she is planning this summer or, or, so many other things besides health. Its like you think the only thing happening in a grand parent's life is their health. #ageism?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I am so sorry that you are dealing with your mother having cancer. My father had cancer and it was very hard on everyone. This journey can be very emotional, stressful and plain awful. I wish you and your mother good health and peace.

That being said, I sincerely think OP you are making this mental gymnastic exercise way more complicated than it needs to be. Way more.

Does your mother care if other people know or is that just what you think? Ask her.

Be direct with your MIL, pick up the phone, call her and have a concise, kind and direct 5 minute conversation: hello MIL. I wanted to let you know that I was caught off guard when you asked re my mother and yes, she does indeed have cancer. She is in the initial stages of determining a treatment plan, so at this point we don't have much information to share on what will happen next, but whenever I do have something I can share I will. In the meantime, she would prefer to keep her diagnosis discrete so I ask you not disclose it to anyone outside the family. I appreciate your asking about her. Your support means a lot me. Talk to you later.

My MIL had ALS, which is terminal. My parents weren't close with my inlaws, but they liked one another enough I guess. My mother especially was so sad about my MIL's illness and her decline. She would ask about my MIL all the time. If they had lived closer I am sure my mother would have offered in person help. Perhaps your MIL OP is coming from a good place as well. Maybe she is honestly worried not only about MIL but also about you.

You don't need to jump through all these mental hoops. I'm sorry this is happening, but many people are good and care.

Thank you PP. It sounds like your MIL and parents have a wonderful relationship. My mom and MIL are cordial but not particularly close. They run into each other occasionally and have friends in common, but that's it. Also, we're still getting the diagnosis worked out so this is all very new and I feel there is a difference between sharing a new diagnosis and asking for an update on something that is broadly known.

You asked if my mother cares whether other people know. Neither DH not I have specifically asked if her diagnosis is something we can share with others in her community. DH seems to assume anything he is told is fair to share with anyone else. I tend to assume that personal information is personal, unless explicitly told it is ok to share. I find it surprising that so many here side with DH. Obviously the laws protecting personally identifiable health information apply to medical providers and not family members, but isnt' the principle for those laws based on the recognition that health information is personal and that the person to whom it pertains should decide with whom it is shared?

I definitely have a broader DH frustration here. He wonders why we aren't closer, why I don't feel I can tell me anything on my mind Because I never know what he'll find ok to repeat and even if I tell him something is private he'll make a mistake and forget. It didn't occur to me to tell DH to NOT tell his mom. It's not my health information. I didn't tell him, my mom did.

When we had our first child our health provider gave us the option to both view our child's medical record AND to give each other access to our respective medical health records. We didn't talk about it a ton but both were like "um, that's not really necessary, we can keep our individual health records separate." It hasn't been an issue, but boy am I glad we made that decision! Who knows what he'd find that he'd feel is appropriate to share with his mom or anyone else who asked how I'm doing. "Jenny's BMI is down slightly, but not as much as her doctor had hoped so she's starting new exercise program we're hoping will help with her chronic joint pain." I find it absurd that I'd have to either NOT tell my husband that, OR if I do tell him, explicitly state that this is private information he should NOT share (and then hope he doesn't forget).

I probably sound really snarky here, and I apologize for that. I do sincerely appreciate your response (and all of the others, I know I haven't responded to them all). So interesting to see such different concepts of privacy.

Good lord. He didn't post it on the neighborhood listserve, he told his mother.

Based on your level of concern and histrionics, one would think that he, and his mother had been broadcasting this on the local radio station. But, it appears that none of this has happened. His mother didn't tell your kids, He hasn't mentioned it to anyone else, and neither has she. All of the problems here are entirely of your own making, either through your imagination or because your lied to your MIL. All that needs to be done is to call her, apologize for the misunderstanding, confirm that your mother does have cancer, tell her it isn't for public consumption, and that you haven't told your kids yet. Done.

Also, I may have missed it, but how old are your kids? I understanding shielding little kids, but this may be a huge mistake with older ones.

Finally, you say you have communications problems with your husband - I don't doubt it. Consider that your first instinct, when confronted with something unexpected, was to lie. Your husband appears to be much more open than you are, and it's entirely possible that you are the primary cause of any communications problems.

OP, I know this reads as harsh and I don’t mean to pile on but this bolded is something to look back upon when you are evaluating the communication between your family and your husband. Of course you were flustered and emotional, I totally get that and I feel for you! But your default was to clam up and not be honest. Is this something you have done before? Do you shut down communication often and if so, why? I think it’s a fair point and worthy of self reflection.

I agree with this. Your level of holding information isn't normal - and I say this as someone who, as a kid, who couldn't share anything with my parents for fear of their reaction.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I am so sorry that you are dealing with your mother having cancer. My father had cancer and it was very hard on everyone. This journey can be very emotional, stressful and plain awful. I wish you and your mother good health and peace.

That being said, I sincerely think OP you are making this mental gymnastic exercise way more complicated than it needs to be. Way more.

Does your mother care if other people know or is that just what you think? Ask her.

Be direct with your MIL, pick up the phone, call her and have a concise, kind and direct 5 minute conversation: hello MIL. I wanted to let you know that I was caught off guard when you asked re my mother and yes, she does indeed have cancer. She is in the initial stages of determining a treatment plan, so at this point we don't have much information to share on what will happen next, but whenever I do have something I can share I will. In the meantime, she would prefer to keep her diagnosis discrete so I ask you not disclose it to anyone outside the family. I appreciate your asking about her. Your support means a lot me. Talk to you later.

My MIL had ALS, which is terminal. My parents weren't close with my inlaws, but they liked one another enough I guess. My mother especially was so sad about my MIL's illness and her decline. She would ask about my MIL all the time. If they had lived closer I am sure my mother would have offered in person help. Perhaps your MIL OP is coming from a good place as well. Maybe she is honestly worried not only about MIL but also about you.

You don't need to jump through all these mental hoops. I'm sorry this is happening, but many people are good and care.

Thank you PP. It sounds like your MIL and parents have a wonderful relationship. My mom and MIL are cordial but not particularly close. They run into each other occasionally and have friends in common, but that's it. Also, we're still getting the diagnosis worked out so this is all very new and I feel there is a difference between sharing a new diagnosis and asking for an update on something that is broadly known.

You asked if my mother cares whether other people know. Neither DH not I have specifically asked if her diagnosis is something we can share with others in her community. DH seems to assume anything he is told is fair to share with anyone else. I tend to assume that personal information is personal, unless explicitly told it is ok to share. I find it surprising that so many here side with DH. Obviously the laws protecting personally identifiable health information apply to medical providers and not family members, but isnt' the principle for those laws based on the recognition that health information is personal and that the person to whom it pertains should decide with whom it is shared?

I definitely have a broader DH frustration here. He wonders why we aren't closer, why I don't feel I can tell me anything on my mind Because I never know what he'll find ok to repeat and even if I tell him something is private he'll make a mistake and forget. It didn't occur to me to tell DH to NOT tell his mom. It's not my health information. I didn't tell him, my mom did.

When we had our first child our health provider gave us the option to both view our child's medical record AND to give each other access to our respective medical health records. We didn't talk about it a ton but both were like "um, that's not really necessary, we can keep our individual health records separate." It hasn't been an issue, but boy am I glad we made that decision! Who knows what he'd find that he'd feel is appropriate to share with his mom or anyone else who asked how I'm doing. "Jenny's BMI is down slightly, but not as much as her doctor had hoped so she's starting new exercise program we're hoping will help with her chronic joint pain." I find it absurd that I'd have to either NOT tell my husband that, OR if I do tell him, explicitly state that this is private information he should NOT share (and then hope he doesn't forget).

I probably sound really snarky here, and I apologize for that. I do sincerely appreciate your response (and all of the others, I know I haven't responded to them all). So interesting to see such different concepts of privacy.

Good lord. He didn't post it on the neighborhood listserve, he told his mother.

Based on your level of concern and histrionics, one would think that he, and his mother had been broadcasting this on the local radio station. But, it appears that none of this has happened. His mother didn't tell your kids, He hasn't mentioned it to anyone else, and neither has she. All of the problems here are entirely of your own making, either through your imagination or because your lied to your MIL. All that needs to be done is to call her, apologize for the misunderstanding, confirm that your mother does have cancer, tell her it isn't for public consumption, and that you haven't told your kids yet. Done.

Also, I may have missed it, but how old are your kids? I understanding shielding little kids, but this may be a huge mistake with older ones.

Finally, you say you have communications problems with your husband - I don't doubt it. Consider that your first instinct, when confronted with something unexpected, was to lie. Your husband appears to be much more open than you are, and it's entirely possible that you are the primary cause of any communications problems.

OP, I know this reads as harsh and I don’t mean to pile on but this bolded is something to look back upon when you are evaluating the communication between your family and your husband. Of course you were flustered and emotional, I totally get that and I feel for you! But your default was to clam up and not be honest. Is this something you have done before? Do you shut down communication often and if so, why? I think it’s a fair point and worthy of self reflection.

Anonymous wrote: I am definitely frustrated. I apologize for the snark. I have not meant to be aggressive. I am certainly surprised by the number of responses that seem to be comfortable with somebody sharing another persons health information with other people. I can’t help but wonder if this would be different with slight changes to the circumstances. For example if my sister were pregnant and DH told his sister (who has friends in common with my sister). How many threads are there complaining about somebody sharing pregnancy news that is not their own? In those scenarios the majority has seemed to understand that health information (pregnancy) is for the expectant parents to share, not the excited family members, friends, or anybody else who happens to know. It seems to me the only differences between those threads and this one is the age and the health condition. The fact that health information is being shared by someone other than a person with the health condition remains the same.

Anonymous wrote:Just tell your kids the truth, you were caught off guard and responded poorly in the moment. Yes, you should tell MIL the truth. And also tell her that you're not sure how comfortable your mom is with sharing the news, that you didn't know your dh was telling anyone about it, and that you'd appreciate it if she'd keep it private. Your bigger issue here is with dealing with your dh.