Yep, you say "this is not working for our family or marriage. You've given DD a valuable gift but it's time to move forward. You're still nourishing her through providing healthy food and a loving home, but the breastfeeding is not working for us anymore."

Privately (don't say this to her): Nursing at this age is crazy. It's a good idea for poor women in third-world countries or war zones where the water isn't clean/formula isn't available. But in an affluent urban US community? It's nuts.

Anonymous wrote:To be clear here, you’re saying you hate to see the *child* miserable? If that’s your concern, that’s not a concern. It’s not going to hurt your child at all to be upset while waiting for mommy. It’s actually a perfectly reasonable thing to be upset about that is easily resolved and thus laying the emotional ground work for patience. It’s a win. You/nanny validates the emotion, eg “it’s hard to wait for mommy isn’t it. You’re upset about having to wait.” Then you just calmly wait. Then after, “you waited for mommy, and then when she came you were happy!”

Nursing at 20 months sounds like torture to me but it would not be because the kid is upset while waiting. That’s actually totally fine and a very manageable and appropriate challenge for both kids.

Agree that there needs to be more focus on helping 20m with big feelings and seeing them as growth opportunities rather than annoyance to be shut down. My goal though is ti nurse the recommended 2 years so I would not wean over this unless that is what your wife really wants to do. Agree with others that working out a more consistent structured schedule would be helpful. I feel a bit bad for your 20m old with all the big people not being able to handle her big emotions without annoyance or wanting to shut them down. No wonder she wants to nurse so desperately.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your wife is ok with comfort nursing, insulate your office. It’s her choice and she’ll transition as she can.

But it annoys their other child and it isn’t fair.

I loved breastfeeding my kids but breastfeeding is for nourishment and not sacred. All mammals wean.

I would be uncomfortable if my kids ever demanded my breast and felt rejected and heartbroken when I denied them.

I think a fact or life of not being an only child is that sometimes your younger siblings will have wants/needs that “annoy” you and that sometimes it doesn’t seem “fair”. I imagine the 20 month old wouldn’t think it was fair to be weaned because her comfort and undivided attention from her mom (and as others said this is more likely about that) somehow inconvenienced her older sibling.

Your 20MO needs a more structured schedule that includes predictable times for nursing— I recommend wake/nap/sleep but whatever works. She is old enough to understand predictability and routine if the adults in the picture are firm and consistent.

Breastfeeding this toddler isn’t doing anything beneficial for anyone and is upsetting the toddler unduly as well as annoying the rest of the family.

Anonymous wrote:Your wife probably needs to work out of the house. This is how extended nursing works. The young child wants mom more often if she’s home.

Your wife needs to wean. The situation is unfair to the rest of the family.

Your wife probably needs to work out of the house. This is how extended nursing works. The young child wants mom more often if she’s home.

Anonymous wrote:How often is she crying? What happens when she knows mom isn’t there? Like when you or nanny takes her to the park?

OP again. Our daughter is perfectly fine when mom isn’t in the house including if nanny puts her to bed at night. She never cries unless she falls/gets hurt. She only cries when she sees Mom and wants to nurse. And when my wife is there and she wants to nurse there is nothing but nursing that will distract her. Wife always gives in.

It’s clearly wean or keep going as we’re going as wife will not do anything differently. Tonight my older child wanted to help Mom make dinner but our daughter was hysterical so my wife nursed her and my older child said, “it’s never my turn to be first”.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often is she nursing?
I’m an extended nurser, but I think clearly your daughter is just mad that she’s with the nanny and knows that mom is guaranteed to come out if she asks to nurse. I think if your wife were actually with her all day, she wouldn’t demand this much milk. I think if you want your daughter to accept the nanny’s care, you have to stick to set nursing times. Maybe at first it can be every 2 hours even! Make it a clear routine.

I’m the father/husband. No, my daughter is with my wife three days a week and it’s exactly the same. She wants to nurse when she wants to nurse even in the car seat. She cried for mommy and signs milk.

My wife cannot adhere to any routine regarding breastfeeding.



Thank you everyone for responding.

Well, it seems like your daughter either needs an unusual amount of comforting or she knows that asking to nurse is the ticket out of anything she doesn’t want to do. Or maybe there’s something you don’t understand about the dynamic, and your wife would have a different story? Nursing a 20 mo isn’t bad, but obviously toddlers need to learn they can’t get whatever they want through crying. If mommy’s still work, she can’t nurse right then. That’s it.

How often is she crying? What happens when she knows mom isn’t there? Like when you or nanny takes her to the park?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often is she nursing?
I’m an extended nurser, but I think clearly your daughter is just mad that she’s with the nanny and knows that mom is guaranteed to come out if she asks to nurse. I think if your wife were actually with her all day, she wouldn’t demand this much milk. I think if you want your daughter to accept the nanny’s care, you have to stick to set nursing times. Maybe at first it can be every 2 hours even! Make it a clear routine.

I’m the father/husband. No, my daughter is with my wife three days a week and it’s exactly the same. She wants to nurse when she wants to nurse even in the car seat. She cried for mommy and signs milk.

My wife cannot adhere to any routine regarding breastfeeding.



Thank you everyone for responding.

OP, do you give bottles of pumped breast milk? Or has your wife been doing all the feeding so far? If you do give bottles, how does your daughter react to being offered a bottle instead of nursing?

Does your wife *want* to adhere to a routine regarding breastfeeding? I think there was an earlier PP who suggested you need to understand what your wife wants; I think that person is onto something.

No bottles of pumped milk - no bottles at all since she was about 12 months and drinking water and cows milk from an open cup.

My wife says she would like to wean but does enjoy breastfeeding. I’m thinking more in terms of what us best for my daughter

Your daughter will be fine no matter what. This is a family dynamics/tantrum problem, not a breastfeeding problem. You (and your nanny and older child) find the tantrums stressful. You and your wife need to sit down and come up with a plan that works for both of you about what you want to do next. I would not frame the issue to your wife as being about breastfeeding but rather talk to her about how you find the crying distressing and want to address that. Then you and nanny and wife need to implement whatever plan it is. But your wife needs input to what’s going to happen next since she will be important to implementing it. You could try breast milk in a cup from daddy, snuggles, talking about big feelings, weaning, scheduling feeds, any of the other suggestions on this thread in whatever combination but it will only work if all the adults are on the same page. I think you going in to the discussion with a preconceived notion of what you guys should do will not be helpful but I do think a discussion needs to be had since this is stressing you out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your wife is ok with comfort nursing, insulate your office. It’s her choice and she’ll transition as she can.

But it annoys their other child and it isn’t fair.

I loved breastfeeding my kids but breastfeeding is for nourishment and not sacred. All mammals wean.

I would be uncomfortable if my kids ever demanded my breast and felt rejected and heartbroken when I denied them.

It doesn’t sound like this mom has that viewpoint.

Can she work from somewhere else for a week? Like get up in the morning, leave the house and go somewhere (a friend's house, the library, a hotel lobby, coffee shop, etc.) and come back in the late afternoon. It would be a pain but it might help reset things for the 20 month old.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often is she nursing?
I’m an extended nurser, but I think clearly your daughter is just mad that she’s with the nanny and knows that mom is guaranteed to come out if she asks to nurse. I think if your wife were actually with her all day, she wouldn’t demand this much milk. I think if you want your daughter to accept the nanny’s care, you have to stick to set nursing times. Maybe at first it can be every 2 hours even! Make it a clear routine.

I’m the father/husband. No, my daughter is with my wife three days a week and it’s exactly the same. She wants to nurse when she wants to nurse even in the car seat. She cried for mommy and signs milk.

My wife cannot adhere to any routine regarding breastfeeding.



Thank you everyone for responding.

OP, do you give bottles of pumped breast milk? Or has your wife been doing all the feeding so far? If you do give bottles, how does your daughter react to being offered a bottle instead of nursing?

Does your wife *want* to adhere to a routine regarding breastfeeding? I think there was an earlier PP who suggested you need to understand what your wife wants; I think that person is onto something.

No bottles of pumped milk - no bottles at all since she was about 12 months and drinking water and cows milk from an open cup.

My wife says she would like to wean but does enjoy breastfeeding. I’m thinking more in terms of what us best for my daughter

Anonymous wrote:If your wife is ok with comfort nursing, insulate your office. It’s her choice and she’ll transition as she can.

But it annoys their other child and it isn’t fair.

I loved breastfeeding my kids but breastfeeding is for nourishment and not sacred. All mammals wean.

I would be uncomfortable if my kids ever demanded my breast and felt rejected and heartbroken when I denied them.

If your wife is ok with comfort nursing, insulate your office. It’s her choice and she’ll transition as she can.