Anonymous wrote:
PP, its clear English is not your first language, so I assume your reading comprehension and writing fluency are about the same. Which is to say, go back and reread the OP's post. You are missing many facts.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Wait how are a 10 and 7 year old tweens??? 7 year olds are in 1st/2nd grade, 10 year olds are in 4th/5th. I really don’t think tween starts til about age 11. Anyway. Their kids are young. OP is not “indulging” them in catastrophizing here. She’s validating their normal emotional reactions to being manipulated and shamed (also known as emotional abuse) by their father. She’s being supportive toward them when they rightfully feel undermined and shamed by their other parent.

DP. Her kids get upset because he has a craving and skips the family meal. No, she needs to not blame her husband and explain to her kids older adults sometimes get irritable bowel, cravings, smell aversions, blood sugar issues, etc. Kids need to learn if they go to a party and one person uses the restroom instead of eating, not to make a scene. Yes, grade school 7 ( and cusp of tween 10y.o.) is old enough to learn this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:H can be incredibly selfish and childish. He makes baseless threats in front of our kids that upset them.

Here's latest: H doesn't get home from work until 6:30 so he misses all of DD's practices. His office closed at 3 yesterday so maintenance could do some work on their floor. He got home around 4:30 and DD was so excited that he'd get to go to her practice. She was talking to him about practice and he said he had to work from home and couldn't go. She was, of course, sad and disappointed. All she did was ask "are you sure you can't come?" and that set him off. He said this exactly to her "well, I suppose I could come" with a GD pause to give her hope and then continued "but then that would mean I wouldn't get my work done. And when adults don't get their work done, they get fired. And if I get fired, we'll become homeless. Do you want to be homeless?" Like, WTF?! DD then got very worried about H getting his work done so we wouldn't become homeless.

I think it was in February when we had a string of really nice days, I had the windows open to get fresh air. H, who runs cold, started slamming them closed pretty hard. Not hard enough to break them but harder than normal when shutting windows. I gave me a WTF are you doing look and he started rambling about how if we weren't going to respect his wishes of being warm, he'd look for his own place to live. DS was present in the room and got upset that we were going to get a divorce and dad was moving out. I made H sit and help me reassure DS that H wasn't moving out. DS calmed down but then later that evening when we went out to dinner, we drove by a bus shelter and H made an offhand comment about how that bus shelter would be a great living space for him and probably warmer than the house with all the windows open. DS got upset again and then DD got upset when she saw how upset her big brother was. H then said he wasn't going into a restaurant with 2 kids who were crying, so he headed home. I started making food for everyone and H refused to eat any because that's not what he was craving. He said he'd just starve instead... and again, in front of the kids. I was able to stop them from getting upset by quickly saying haha daddy's kidding. He'll eat later.

He also gives the silent treatment to me if he feels wronged or doesn't get his way. He'll still speak to the kids but will ignore me. I'm sure they notice but they've never said anything about it.

I'm sick of this pattern and behavior. I showed him some articles and videos online to show him that type of behavior was abusive. He doesn't think so and told me I was invalidating his feelings by saying that.

I feel like I can't talk to anyone in real life about this for fear of judgement. It's time to get out, isn't it? Kids are 10 and 7.

You are the one who can help-sorry.

1)Don't ask DH to risk his livelihood during a mission critical sprint during an eval. Have him give his boss two weeks notice to take a vacation day to attend his daughter's practice. Long term:since youngest is older than three, get a career higher paying than DH, so he can relax and spend time with kids. Set up evening practices/recitals/games so he can attend. Teach daughter not to pester with "Are you sure you can't" after polite refusal.

2)Cold causes people severely painful cramps and muscle spasms that can last weeks without bruising massage. Prep a room with a space heater and put him there. Ask him if you can circulate the rest of the house by putting a box fan in the window and turning off the heat, just from 2-4pm. Long term, give him a heads up and send him to the gym sauna or get and electric blanket as well. Explain to kids adult sometimes do an intermittent fast and the kindness that he is willing to move for his issue even though he is paying for the housing for you three.

3)People get irritable bowel and also overfull. If he is strongly craving cabbage and is getting weak, he doesn't want to overfill on bread to the point he'll vomit or diarrhea if he then eats the cabbage. Weakness and vomiting is putting him between a rock and hard place. Ask him if you can bring water or electrolytes. Also ask him if there is anything you can bring him.

Try this and see if he is better. Sorry you are going through this but he isn't abusive.

Anonymous wrote:
Wait how are a 10 and 7 year old tweens??? 7 year olds are in 1st/2nd grade, 10 year olds are in 4th/5th. I really don’t think tween starts til about age 11. Anyway. Their kids are young. OP is not “indulging” them in catastrophizing here. She’s validating their normal emotional reactions to being manipulated and shamed (also known as emotional abuse) by their father. She’s being supportive toward them when they rightfully feel undermined and shamed by their other parent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:H can be incredibly selfish and childish. He makes baseless threats in front of our kids that upset them.

Here's latest: H doesn't get home from work until 6:30 so he misses all of DD's practices. His office closed at 3 yesterday so maintenance could do some work on their floor. He got home around 4:30 and DD was so excited that he'd get to go to her practice. She was talking to him about practice and he said he had to work from home and couldn't go. She was, of course, sad and disappointed. All she did was ask "are you sure you can't come?" and that set him off. He said this exactly to her "well, I suppose I could come" with a GD pause to give her hope and then continued "but then that would mean I wouldn't get my work done. And when adults don't get their work done, they get fired. And if I get fired, we'll become homeless. Do you want to be homeless?" Like, WTF?! DD then got very worried about H getting his work done so we wouldn't become homeless.

I think it was in February when we had a string of really nice days, I had the windows open to get fresh air. H, who runs cold, started slamming them closed pretty hard. Not hard enough to break them but harder than normal when shutting windows. I gave me a WTF are you doing look and he started rambling about how if we weren't going to respect his wishes of being warm, he'd look for his own place to live. DS was present in the room and got upset that we were going to get a divorce and dad was moving out. I made H sit and help me reassure DS that H wasn't moving out. DS calmed down but then later that evening when we went out to dinner, we drove by a bus shelter and H made an offhand comment about how that bus shelter would be a great living space for him and probably warmer than the house with all the windows open. DS got upset again and then DD got upset when she saw how upset her big brother was. H then said he wasn't going into a restaurant with 2 kids who were crying, so he headed home. I started making food for everyone and H refused to eat any because that's not what he was craving. He said he'd just starve instead... and again, in front of the kids. I was able to stop them from getting upset by quickly saying haha daddy's kidding. He'll eat later.

He also gives the silent treatment to me if he feels wronged or doesn't get his way. He'll still speak to the kids but will ignore me. I'm sure they notice but they've never said anything about it.

I'm sick of this pattern and behavior. I showed him some articles and videos online to show him that type of behavior was abusive. He doesn't think so and told me I was invalidating his feelings by saying that.

I feel like I can't talk to anyone in real life about this for fear of judgement. It's time to get out, isn't it? Kids are 10 and 7.

OP, I am so sorry you are going through this. You deserve respect and care. Your kids deserve respect and care. Your DH is gaslighting and emotionally abusing you and your kids. You need sole custody otherwise he's going to be alone with the kids.

Disagree. I would call his behavior dysfunctional, immature... but not *abusive*. That's dramatic and potentially manipulative. She'd harm her kids more than he has ever done by tearing the family apart. And honestly, it's ALSO gaslighting to call someone's behavior "abusive" when it isn't clearly so, and not listen to their explanations of why they disagree.

The actual definition of emotional abuse is “using emotions to criticize, embarrass, shame, blame, or otherwise manipulate a person.” That sounds like exactly what OP’s husband is doing. Trying to make his family members feel shame or blame or to manipulate them in all the examples OP gave.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is abusive. It's just totally unnecessary and not good parenting.

+1. Also, OPs post is dripping with resentment so it’s hard to get a read on whether he’s just making bad swing-and-a-miss dad jokes or actually being sincere.

You wouldn’t resent someone who repeatedly treats you and your kids like this?

Would the husband be wrong for resenting and rejecting guilt trips from someone who catastrophizes about shutting windows in FEBRUARY as abuse?

You seem really incapable of reading comprehension.

The problem wasn't the closing of windows. The problem was the slamming them shut and then threatening to move out of the house in front of a little kid, who clearly took it seriously.

You seem intent on indulging the children (tweens, not “little kids”) in the same catastrophizing they have learned from their mother, whereas the father is not. It’s a wreck on all sides.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't have any opinions on whether your DH is emotionally abusive or not. But I am not clear what you were trying to do by showing him articles online to "prove" that he is abusive. Were you trying to shame him into better behavior? That's unlikely to work.
I can tell that you have contempt for your DH, which is a clear sign the marriage is over and you no longer love him.

It was to try to help him understand that what he does is a form of abuse. He doesn't understand why when he says mean or inappropriate comments that it upsets the kids. He says he's not responsible for managing their feelings and emotions.

I thought that if he saw the evidence and facts, he'd be open to change and going to therapy. Either solo or couples therapy. He's not, though.

I love him but I'm no longer in love with him as I used to be.

Anonymous wrote:H can be incredibly selfish and childish. He makes baseless threats in front of our kids that upset them.

Here's latest: H doesn't get home from work until 6:30 so he misses all of DD's practices. His office closed at 3 yesterday so maintenance could do some work on their floor. He got home around 4:30 and DD was so excited that he'd get to go to her practice. She was talking to him about practice and he said he had to work from home and couldn't go. She was, of course, sad and disappointed. All she did was ask "are you sure you can't come?" and that set him off. He said this exactly to her "well, I suppose I could come" with a GD pause to give her hope and then continued "but then that would mean I wouldn't get my work done. And when adults don't get their work done, they get fired. And if I get fired, we'll become homeless. Do you want to be homeless?" Like, WTF?! DD then got very worried about H getting his work done so we wouldn't become homeless.

I think it was in February when we had a string of really nice days, I had the windows open to get fresh air. H, who runs cold, started slamming them closed pretty hard. Not hard enough to break them but harder than normal when shutting windows. I gave me a WTF are you doing look and he started rambling about how if we weren't going to respect his wishes of being warm, he'd look for his own place to live. DS was present in the room and got upset that we were going to get a divorce and dad was moving out. I made H sit and help me reassure DS that H wasn't moving out. DS calmed down but then later that evening when we went out to dinner, we drove by a bus shelter and H made an offhand comment about how that bus shelter would be a great living space for him and probably warmer than the house with all the windows open. DS got upset again and then DD got upset when she saw how upset her big brother was. H then said he wasn't going into a restaurant with 2 kids who were crying, so he headed home. I started making food for everyone and H refused to eat any because that's not what he was craving. He said he'd just starve instead... and again, in front of the kids. I was able to stop them from getting upset by quickly saying haha daddy's kidding. He'll eat later.

He also gives the silent treatment to me if he feels wronged or doesn't get his way. He'll still speak to the kids but will ignore me. I'm sure they notice but they've never said anything about it.

I'm sick of this pattern and behavior. I showed him some articles and videos online to show him that type of behavior was abusive. He doesn't think so and told me I was invalidating his feelings by saying that.

I feel like I can't talk to anyone in real life about this for fear of judgement. It's time to get out, isn't it? Kids are 10 and 7.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't have any opinions on whether your DH is emotionally abusive or not. But I am not clear what you were trying to do by showing him articles online to "prove" that he is abusive. Were you trying to shame him into better behavior? That's unlikely to work.
I can tell that you have contempt for your DH, which is a clear sign the marriage is over and you no longer love him.

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like an a&&hole. Is this new behavior, or has he always been like this? If he doesn't seek help I'd consider leaving him. This seems like potential dealbreaker behavior to me.