Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hang in there and see if the company is sold. Your situation could change dramatically for the better.

For how long? 6 months? A year?

6 months certainly for a big payoff like that, certainly. This happened to us and we had twins, one with severe autism. It allowed us to afford to move into a house from a rental and set us up on the property ladder. Look, I get that things are really tough now with work and young children but this is temporary in the scheme of things. My DH also traveled a lot and twice he had to fly back to meet me in the emergency room with our asthmatic twins. I had no family support so I had to cut corners on a LOT of things. You can do this for 6 months, OP, I am rooting for you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- Thank you all for your advice and sympathy. It truly means a lot. I thought I'd get a ton of hate bc I choose to have this many kids and I have a nanny. I already feel re-energized reading the comments that are literally the same thoughts going through my head every night so I feel less crazy about my life and options.

A few things I wanted to clear up- not working isn't an option. That would only deepen my resentment. Being a full time SAHM would be harder than my current situation at least with the nanny I can nap when I'm desperate. My job could not be more family friendly, you dont just quit this type of job and think that it will be waiting for you.

Another thing about hiring more childcare is that 1. We would have to stop saving for retirement which I am sort of ok doing temporarily if our current nanny agrees to more hours. She's an absolute angel so I dont want to burn bridges with her. 2) Safety- the twins are almost 2 and my oldest DS is in K. They are super rambunctious, high energy boys. Not to be dramatic but not that many people can handle kids these ages safely. I know because I have tried and there have been accidents. I cannot handle one more thing. When the twins are 3 I'd feel more comfortable with other childcare options like an aupair.

With therapy and further negotiations, I can suck this up for maybe 6months- a year. If my husband leaves this job, the company is sold and he misses the payout that would be the end for us. He would never forgive me. He even says now that he got this far bc he didnt listen to me and that his next position will be even more rewarding.

First I am going to negotiate his work hours while he is at home, 6pm is the cutoff and he can log on again when the kids are in bed.

Also now, I feel like traveling is part of his identity. He loves to tell people that he's on a red eye or what he new restaurant he tried or that he'll be in London next week. The whole process of packing, airports etc brings him joy. I get it. That was me prior to having kids. I introduced him to travel. I just stupidly thought that it was obvious that now with 3 kids it was over until they are more independent. I am not saying that I never want him to travel for work. I could manage a very short monthly trip but it's the last minute 1-2 week trips that are killing me.

But again thank you especially to those of you with multiples that have been where I am. I have a lot of options to consider and I have already told my DH that I am fully off duty tonight and this weekend. I will seek individual therapy for myself then couples therapy so I know how to best approach this. In my heart, I do not want a divorce at this time.

Wow. He really doubled down on being an asshole.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think an au pair might be a really good option for you, and that in the meantime pulling from savings to get more nanny coverage would be worth it.

All the husband issues aside, and I feel for you on the struggles you are experiencing in your relationship - I promise you that it really DOES get easier as the kids get to school age. I didn’t have multiples but I had three high energy kids under age 5 with a frequently traveling husband, so I can kind of relate. You will be able to catch a breath when you are working with school pick up and drops offs plus extracurriculars in comparison with this time in their lives. It won’t be a breeze but it’s easier than toddlers plus K.

Thank you! I am looking forward to the day when they all in school. It just sucks bc I feel like I’m not enjoying this time of their lives much bc of the high anxiety and stress that I’m constantly under.

Anonymous wrote:OP here- Thank you all for your advice and sympathy. It truly means a lot. I thought I'd get a ton of hate bc I choose to have this many kids and I have a nanny. I already feel re-energized reading the comments that are literally the same thoughts going through my head every night so I feel less crazy about my life and options.

A few things I wanted to clear up- not working isn't an option. That would only deepen my resentment. Being a full time SAHM would be harder than my current situation at least with the nanny I can nap when I'm desperate. My job could not be more family friendly, you dont just quit this type of job and think that it will be waiting for you.

Another thing about hiring more childcare is that 1. We would have to stop saving for retirement which I am sort of ok doing temporarily if our current nanny agrees to more hours. She's an absolute angel so I dont want to burn bridges with her. 2) Safety- the twins are almost 2 and my oldest DS is in K. They are super rambunctious, high energy boys. Not to be dramatic but not that many people can handle kids these ages safely. I know because I have tried and there have been accidents. I cannot handle one more thing. When the twins are 3 I'd feel more comfortable with other childcare options like an aupair.

With therapy and further negotiations, I can suck this up for maybe 6months- a year. If my husband leaves this job, the company is sold and he misses the payout that would be the end for us. He would never forgive me. He even says now that he got this far bc he didnt listen to me and that his next position will be even more rewarding.

First I am going to negotiate his work hours while he is at home, 6pm is the cutoff and he can log on again when the kids are in bed.

Also now, I feel like traveling is part of his identity. He loves to tell people that he's on a red eye or what he new restaurant he tried or that he'll be in London next week. The whole process of packing, airports etc brings him joy. I get it. That was me prior to having kids. I introduced him to travel. I just stupidly thought that it was obvious that now with 3 kids it was over until they are more independent. I am not saying that I never want him to travel for work. I could manage a very short monthly trip but it's the last minute 1-2 week trips that are killing me.

But again thank you especially to those of you with multiples that have been where I am. I have a lot of options to consider and I have already told my DH that I am fully off duty tonight and this weekend. I will seek individual therapy for myself then couples therapy so I know how to best approach this. In my heart, I do not want a divorce at this time.

Anonymous wrote:OP here- Thank you all for your advice and sympathy. It truly means a lot. I thought I'd get a ton of hate bc I choose to have this many kids and I have a nanny. I already feel re-energized reading the comments that are literally the same thoughts going through my head every night so I feel less crazy about my life and options.

A few things I wanted to clear up- not working isn't an option. That would only deepen my resentment. Being a full time SAHM would be harder than my current situation at least with the nanny I can nap when I'm desperate. My job could not be more family friendly, you dont just quit this type of job and think that it will be waiting for you.

Another thing about hiring more childcare is that 1. We would have to stop saving for retirement which I am sort of ok doing temporarily if our current nanny agrees to more hours. She's an absolute angel so I dont want to burn bridges with her. 2) Safety- the twins are almost 2 and my oldest DS is in K. They are super rambunctious, high energy boys. Not to be dramatic but not that many people can handle kids these ages safely. I know because I have tried and there have been accidents. I cannot handle one more thing. When the twins are 3 I'd feel more comfortable with other childcare options like an aupair.

With therapy and further negotiations, I can suck this up for maybe 6months- a year. If my husband leaves this job, the company is sold and he misses the payout that would be the end for us. He would never forgive me. He even says now that he got this far bc he didnt listen to me and that his next position will be even more rewarding.

First I am going to negotiate his work hours while he is at home, 6pm is the cutoff and he can log on again when the kids are in bed.

Also now, I feel like traveling is part of his identity. He loves to tell people that he's on a red eye or what he new restaurant he tried or that he'll be in London next week. The whole process of packing, airports etc brings him joy. I get it. That was me prior to having kids. I introduced him to travel. I just stupidly thought that it was obvious that now with 3 kids it was over until they are more independent. I am not saying that I never want him to travel for work. I could manage a very short monthly trip but it's the last minute 1-2 week trips that are killing me.

But again thank you especially to those of you with multiples that have been where I am. I have a lot of options to consider and I have already told my DH that I am fully off duty tonight and this weekend. I will seek individual therapy for myself then couples therapy so I know how to best approach this. In my heart, I do not want a divorce at this time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would flat out tell him what a divorce would look like. I can bet 50/50 custody would scare him. He would need to find a different job and take care of his kids.

You can't force 50/50 custody on someone. What if he refuses it?

Anonymous wrote:I do think an au pair might be a really good option for you, and that in the meantime pulling from savings to get more nanny coverage would be worth it.

All the husband issues aside, and I feel for you on the struggles you are experiencing in your relationship - I promise you that it really DOES get easier as the kids get to school age. I didn’t have multiples but I had three high energy kids under age 5 with a frequently traveling husband, so I can kind of relate. You will be able to catch a breath when you are working with school pick up and drops offs plus extracurriculars in comparison with this time in their lives. It won’t be a breeze but it’s easier than toddlers plus K.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm so sorry, that sounds frustrating and exhausting. I really hate that he has put you in this position.

Having said that (100% on your side here, this is for practical reasons) the first thing I would do is take him up on his suggestion to throw money at this problem and hire more help. The reason I say yes to this, even if it's a stretch financially, is that I think you are in crisis mode and you need rest and support. If your DH isn't providing it, the minimum he can do is pay for it. I would think of this as a temporary solution to ease the situation for you so that you can take next steps.

I think once childcare/house management is under control, the next step is couples counseling. And I would not take no for an answer from him. Use the D word (divorce) if you have to -- he need to understand how serious this. You guys are not merely in a high stress period, there has been a serious breach of trust and it has to be addressed before you can move forward. I don't care if he has to dial in to therapy sessions from the road, I think this is essential if you want to salvage your marriage. You need to work through how/why he felt he could make this decision unilaterally, knowing the extreme burden it would put on you, and you need to get to a place where you feel confident he won't do this again. I view his decision as completely out of bounds for any marriage with kids -- you simply do not dump the majority of childcare/housework on your spouse for a job without her agreement. You do not do it.

The next thing I'd do is assess options and make a list. Obviously at the top of his list is "keep job, pay for more help, hope for big payout soon." Fine, that can be on the list. But other options need to be on there too, including him maybe going back to his old job, finding a new job, or (and ONLY if this is something that appeals to you) you taking a leave of absence at your work to get you through the most expensive childcare period with your twins and get your older DS into school. I would only consider that last one if you are really, really committed to the marriage working and think it will, because of course you do not want to leave your job, even temporarily, if you might split up.

Then I'd create a timeframe with him. You cannot wait around for an indefinite period of time for this big payout. But maybe with additional help you'd be willing to give him a year. Maybe you are not and need him to leave that job now. I'm not you so I can't decide for you. But I'd be considered the pros and cons of everything. If there is a chance he could make a lot of money in the next year or so, I might be willing to "suck it up" until the as long I'm not completely drowning. But of course I'd only be willing to do that if he was doing the work in therapy to understand why taking the job against my wishes was disrespectful in the first place. I'd also be looking for some quid pro quo on this. If you have career or personal goals that have been put on hiatus while having kids and after he pulled this stupid stunt, I'd be looking for his support in accomplishing those when his stint in this job ends (especially if it ends with a big financial payoff). You don't exist just to help him achieve his goals. It's a partnership.

Those are my thoughts off the top of my head. Like I said, totally on your side. But he did this and now you are in a bind, so you've got to figure out how to address the situation as it stands, even as you continue to be justifiably angry with him for putting you in the situation.

Best of luck to you. Sleep regressions end! I know it doesn't feel that way right now. If we were friends IRL I'd come spend the night at your house tonight so you could go to a hotel and sleep.

OP here..Thank you for this! it was very thoughtful. I don't want to stop working it would be too hard to return to my very sought after position. My only option is therapy and an ultimatum. I have 6 months left in me and that's it.

So you're unwilling to disrupt your career, but disrupting his is your preferred option?

That's going to go well.

Sorry but my career isn’t the source of our problems. I WFH no travel. Flexible schedule. Why should I stop working ?