Anonymous
04/22/2022 09:11
Subject: Re:Does anyone eat separately from their spouse?
PP here, sorry I did not read your update. What a baby. Yes, stop cooking for him. However, this is not a good sign for the marriage. You may want to try some counseling. FWIW, baby and toddler years were terrible for us. Lots of resentment, etc. Took a good 5 years for DH to step up at which point the hardest was over.
Anonymous
04/22/2022 09:08
Subject: Re:Does anyone eat separately from their spouse?
My DH is not a cook. I mean, he has 3 go tos. Pasta; Burgers and take out. I was out of town 3 nghts this week, 2 were take out and one was burgers. And he can't multitask so doing burgers or pasta with a salad and a vegetable is at least one hour enterprise. So if I die the kids will eat crap.
HOWEVER, while I still am on this earth, I do the majority of cooking and DH always cleans up, at least dishes wise (when I clean I also do counters, trash etc). There is no "maybe" about it. You need to be firm. I would tell your spouse that this isnt working for you. You are happy to cook but he must do the dishes, which includes emptying the clean dishwasher and loading up the dirty ones and wiping down counters.
If he does not do this, then I would stop cooking dinner. Prepare something for the kid(s) and take care of yourself.
HOWEVER, while I still am on this earth, I do the majority of cooking and DH always cleans up, at least dishes wise (when I clean I also do counters, trash etc). There is no "maybe" about it. You need to be firm. I would tell your spouse that this isnt working for you. You are happy to cook but he must do the dishes, which includes emptying the clean dishwasher and loading up the dirty ones and wiping down counters.
If he does not do this, then I would stop cooking dinner. Prepare something for the kid(s) and take care of yourself.
Anonymous
04/22/2022 09:00
Subject: Re:Does anyone eat separately from their spouse?
Anonymous wrote:I cannot figure out from this post if your husband is really a total jerk or if you are just oddly focused on what happens in the kitchen.
The reality is that people have different strengths and weaknesses.
If you look at all the household tasks and your husband does nothing, then he is a jerk. If he fails to acknowledge that you both work part time and are taking classes, then he is a jerk. And once you are married to a jerk, you have a real problem.
But if you look at the totality of everything you both do, are things actually more equitable? Does he take out the trash, sweep, vacuum, do yard work, take care of the cats, take kids to activities, etc? I just cannot tell.
In my house, if I only focused on cleaning and loading the dishwasher, I could have a million complaints. My husband is fine eating a sandwich every night. He also think stacking all the dishes in the sink (without rinsing them and basically in the exact opposite order of how I need to load the dishwasher) is helpful. It drives me batty. But if I really look at all we each do, it is pretty equitable. I’m really messy and he is often picking up after me and he does lots of other stuff.
Trying to make a non-cook become a cook is an exercise in futility. I would look at the big picture and see what else you can do here. Unless he is a jerk.
Ugh — I meant if I only focused on “cooking”. My hsuband does a lot of cleaning — other than the dishwasher.
Anonymous
04/22/2022 08:59
Subject: Re:Does anyone eat separately from their spouse?
I cannot figure out from this post if your husband is really a total jerk or if you are just oddly focused on what happens in the kitchen.
The reality is that people have different strengths and weaknesses.
If you look at all the household tasks and your husband does nothing, then he is a jerk. If he fails to acknowledge that you both work part time and are taking classes, then he is a jerk. And once you are married to a jerk, you have a real problem.
But if you look at the totality of everything you both do, are things actually more equitable? Does he take out the trash, sweep, vacuum, do yard work, take care of the cats, take kids to activities, etc? I just cannot tell.
In my house, if I only focused on cleaning and loading the dishwasher, I could have a million complaints. My husband is fine eating a sandwich every night. He also think stacking all the dishes in the sink (without rinsing them and basically in the exact opposite order of how I need to load the dishwasher) is helpful. It drives me batty. But if I really look at all we each do, it is pretty equitable. I’m really messy and he is often picking up after me and he does lots of other stuff.
Trying to make a non-cook become a cook is an exercise in futility. I would look at the big picture and see what else you can do here. Unless he is a jerk.
The reality is that people have different strengths and weaknesses.
If you look at all the household tasks and your husband does nothing, then he is a jerk. If he fails to acknowledge that you both work part time and are taking classes, then he is a jerk. And once you are married to a jerk, you have a real problem.
But if you look at the totality of everything you both do, are things actually more equitable? Does he take out the trash, sweep, vacuum, do yard work, take care of the cats, take kids to activities, etc? I just cannot tell.
In my house, if I only focused on cleaning and loading the dishwasher, I could have a million complaints. My husband is fine eating a sandwich every night. He also think stacking all the dishes in the sink (without rinsing them and basically in the exact opposite order of how I need to load the dishwasher) is helpful. It drives me batty. But if I really look at all we each do, it is pretty equitable. I’m really messy and he is often picking up after me and he does lots of other stuff.
Trying to make a non-cook become a cook is an exercise in futility. I would look at the big picture and see what else you can do here. Unless he is a jerk.
Anonymous
04/22/2022 08:45
Subject: Does anyone eat separately from their spouse?
I don't get it. If he doesn't help clean up when you cook, why would be clean up after himself when he cooks? He will still leave the stuff out for you are do a half job, with you needing to re-do most of it. Eating separately really has nothing to do with the solution to your problem
Anonymous
04/22/2022 01:20
Subject: Does anyone eat separately from their spouse?
Get carryout on the way home.
Anonymous
04/22/2022 01:13
Subject: Does anyone eat separately from their spouse?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Researchers from the University of Minnesota found that family dinner itself did not create the benefits that have been previously reported in children whose families share nightly mealtime: lower obesity rates, greater academic success, and fewer instances of substance abuse and delinquent behavior.Jun 3, 2018
So what did?
Time together. It does not have to be a meal.
Anonymous
04/22/2022 01:12
Subject: Does anyone eat separately from their spouse?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Researchers from the University of Minnesota found that family dinner itself did not create the benefits that have been previously reported in children whose families share nightly mealtime: lower obesity rates, greater academic success, and fewer instances of substance abuse and delinquent behavior.Jun 3, 2018
Science is not a one and done.
Studies can disagree. The fact that you found one that disagreed is not definitive.
But you probably agree with the study you posted, so want to believe that finding. It is called bias.
No kidding. The point is all the other earlier studies are not necessarily right.
Anonymous
04/21/2022 16:38
Subject: Does anyone eat separately from their spouse?
Anonymous wrote:Researchers from the University of Minnesota found that family dinner itself did not create the benefits that have been previously reported in children whose families share nightly mealtime: lower obesity rates, greater academic success, and fewer instances of substance abuse and delinquent behavior.Jun 3, 2018
Science is not a one and done.
Studies can disagree. The fact that you found one that disagreed is not definitive.
But you probably agree with the study you posted, so want to believe that finding. It is called bias.
Anonymous
04/21/2022 16:25
Subject: Does anyone eat separately from their spouse?
Anonymous wrote:OP. I brought it up (again) with H today and it didn't go well. He's resentful that I hold him accountable for "mistakes" and told me I should extend compassion towards him. I pointed out that these "mistakes" happen several times a week, no one is extending compassion to me and taking my needs into consideration, and that it feels like I have a third child I am taking care of. He told me to just stop cooking for him and to only feed myself. Which is good, I guess, but he's pretty upset and left in a huff.
It feels like I do all of this extra work to try to make us a "family" and no one really gives AF. Everyone would be happier just eating cereal and watching screens all evening. So why should I even bother trying anymore.
Wow. He really is a man-baby/ third child (and an a$$). OP, you can’t let this go. It’s not fair to you and is a terrible, terrible role model. Would he go to a marriage counselor with you to tackle this issue? They have a very stricter way to facilitate conversations and maybe a non-emotional/ problem solving orientation could get him engaged.
Good luck.
Anonymous
04/21/2022 12:55
Subject: Does anyone eat separately from their spouse?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Researchers from the University of Minnesota found that family dinner itself did not create the benefits that have been previously reported in children whose families share nightly mealtime: lower obesity rates, greater academic success, and fewer instances of substance abuse and delinquent behavior.Jun 3, 2018
So what did?
DP.
I would guess that daily or frequent quality time did.
Meal time is convenient because everyone is already together, and dinner is queit enough for conversation.
You can create a special time for conversation outside of meals. It's hard to create that space outside of dinner in this busy environment, but it can be done.
Anonymous
04/21/2022 12:55
Subject: Does anyone eat separately from their spouse?
Anonymous wrote:OP. I brought it up (again) with H today and it didn't go well. He's resentful that I hold him accountable for "mistakes" and told me I should extend compassion towards him. I pointed out that these "mistakes" happen several times a week, no one is extending compassion to me and taking my needs into consideration, and that it feels like I have a third child I am taking care of. He told me to just stop cooking for him and to only feed myself. Which is good, I guess, but he's pretty upset and left in a huff.
It feels like I do all of this extra work to try to make us a "family" and no one really gives AF. Everyone would be happier just eating cereal and watching screens all evening. So why should I even bother trying anymore.
We make dinner a few nights a week and the other nights have leftovers. If kids want something else, they can make it themselves. Your efforts are not worth the results you're getting.