Anonymous wrote:Totally not racist, move on

Anonymous wrote:At the park the other day, my 4yo son (half-white, half hispanic) was playing with a black girl. She was older than him and was taking toys from him and being a little pushy - all within the range of normal kid play, but I could see that my son was getting a bit frustrated. At one point he ran over to me and I asked him whether he wanted to keep playing where we were or go to the playground. He pointed to the playground and a white boy playing there and said "maybe we can play with that boy, he has the same color skin as us."

I was caught off guard and sputtered something like "yes, people have all different colors of skin, and we can play with everyone"

I don't know if I handled it correctly. My hope is that it was just an observation that he phrased weirdly bc he is 4.

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Anonymous wrote:He said it's a good thing he's not black. His Dad is south Asian. He's medium brown. I am white. His dad does say the baby is like a white version of him, and he is. He looks like a copy of my husband except for the skin color. When our six-year-old said this, we asked him why he would say that. He immediately started crying. I explained that it was very offensive. He's exposed to different people at school and Saturday language school. I'm not sure if he mixed up with words/meanings. Right before he said that, he asked me what color he was. He asks this question a lot. His little brother has lighter skin. I tell him he's a mix of Mommy and Daddy, olive-toned. I don't know if we should be talking more or less about skin color. I want to bring up the topic again.

OP need to have a serious talk with YOUR HUSBAND. In South Asia, colorism is big and real, he may not even noticed how he interacts with his dark skinned son versus the lighter baby or the comments he makes. It may all be still in his subconscious, but your husband and his family have been exposed to a deep, long seeded self hatred of dark skin. Your kid is just picking upon cues.

The other son is not dark at all. Maybe he notices we talk about his brother being white and feels left out.

You think? Your 6 year old is not stupid; he can see that he's darker than the baby. Then mom and dad keep bringing up the baby being white, and six y/o says, "good thing I'm not black," and you're confused?

He's slightly darker. My husband doesn't treat him differently. Sometimes someone is mixed, but it's not apparent. So do I tell him he should identify as brown when to the outside world, he looks white? I have told people my husband is Asian, and they flat out say he doesn't look Asian. I feel like if my kids tell people they're mixed, many people will say they don't look mixed. I think that's why my husband just wanted to consider them white. Compared to him, they look white.

Woa, your husband has issues. Why is he so keen to identify them as white? Why aren’t you just saying you’re half-Indian, half-white? That’s what we told our kids. No one is asking them to choose a race at that age. And yes, sounds like your husband is the cause of this, and you also, because you seem to be clueless about colorism in S Asia and more generally that kids pick up on these types of things. But really, sounds like it starts with your husband. You can justify all you want, but clearly you and your husband have given your 6 yr old issues, due to your preference for white skin. Please do better for his sake, and for your baby’s.

Because my husband isn't Indian. Why does this forum always lump south Asian to mean India? There are lots of south Asian countries. It's like saying all East Asians are Chinese.

Well, half-Pakistani, Nepalese, whichever S Asian country your husband is from. Not sure how that changes anything with regard to your issue??

Its annoying, that's all. People constantly call him Indian, and it bugs him. It's like when people get your name wrong 😆 Even my parents say he's Indian 😆

But below yo u say he doesn't tell people he's from Myanmar? Why not tell them if he is offended when people get it wrong? It sounds like your DH has some weird issues around his ethnicity/skin color that your son is picking up on.

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Anonymous wrote:He said it's a good thing he's not black. His Dad is south Asian. He's medium brown. I am white. His dad does say the baby is like a white version of him, and he is. He looks like a copy of my husband except for the skin color. When our six-year-old said this, we asked him why he would say that. He immediately started crying. I explained that it was very offensive. He's exposed to different people at school and Saturday language school. I'm not sure if he mixed up with words/meanings. Right before he said that, he asked me what color he was. He asks this question a lot. His little brother has lighter skin. I tell him he's a mix of Mommy and Daddy, olive-toned. I don't know if we should be talking more or less about skin color. I want to bring up the topic again.

OP you need to have a serious talk with YOUR HUSBAND. In South Asia, colorism is big and real, he may not even noticed how he interacts with his dark skinned son versus the lighter baby or the comments he makes. It may all be still in his subconscious, but your husband and his family have been exposed to a deep, long seeded self hatred of dark skin. Your kid is just picking upon cues.

The other son is not dark at all. Maybe he notices we talk about his brother being white and feels left out.

You think? Your 6 year old is not stupid; he can see that he's darker than the baby. Then mom and dad keep bringing up the baby being white, and six y/o says, "good thing I'm not black," and you're confused?

He's slightly darker. My husband doesn't treat him differently. Sometimes someone is mixed, but it's not apparent. So do I tell him he should identify as brown when to the outside world, he looks white? I have told people my husband is Asian, and they flat out say he doesn't look Asian. I feel like if my kids tell people they're mixed, many people will say they don't look mixed. I think that's why my husband just wanted to consider them white. Compared to him, they look white.

Woa, your husband has issues. Why is he so keen to identify them as white? Why aren’t you just saying you’re half-Indian, half-white? That’s what we told our kids. No one is asking them to choose a race at that age. And yes, sounds like your husband is the cause of this, and you also, because you seem to be clueless about colorism in S Asia and more generally that kids pick up on these types of things. But really, sounds like it starts with your husband. You can justify all you want, but clearly you and your husband have given your 6 yr old issues, due to your preference for white skin. Please do better for his sake, and for your baby’s.

Because my husband isn't Indian. Why does this forum always lump south Asian to mean India? There are lots of south Asian countries. It's like saying all East Asians are Chinese.

Well, half-Pakistani, Nepalese, whichever S Asian country your husband is from. Not sure how that changes anything with regard to your issue??

Its annoying, that's all. People constantly call him Indian, and it bugs him. It's like when people get your name wrong 😆 Even my parents say he's Indian 😆

But below yo u say he doesn't tell people he's from Myanmar? Why not tell them if he is offended when people get it wrong? It sounds like your DH has some weird issues around his ethnicity/skin color that your son is picking up on.

Anonymous wrote:OP seemingly is obsessed with this. I don’t know if she knows what she is asking or wants.

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Anonymous wrote:He said it's a good thing he's not black. His Dad is south Asian. He's medium brown. I am white. His dad does say the baby is like a white version of him, and he is. He looks like a copy of my husband except for the skin color. When our six-year-old said this, we asked him why he would say that. He immediately started crying. I explained that it was very offensive. He's exposed to different people at school and Saturday language school. I'm not sure if he mixed up with words/meanings. Right before he said that, he asked me what color he was. He asks this question a lot. His little brother has lighter skin. I tell him he's a mix of Mommy and Daddy, olive-toned. I don't know if we should be talking more or less about skin color. I want to bring up the topic again.

OP you need to have a serious talk with YOUR HUSBAND. In South Asia, colorism is big and real, he may not even noticed how he interacts with his dark skinned son versus the lighter baby or the comments he makes. It may all be still in his subconscious, but your husband and his family have been exposed to a deep, long seeded self hatred of dark skin. Your kid is just picking upon cues.

The other son is not dark at all. Maybe he notices we talk about his brother being white and feels left out.

You think? Your 6 year old is not stupid; he can see that he's darker than the baby. Then mom and dad keep bringing up the baby being white, and six y/o says, "good thing I'm not black," and you're confused?

He's slightly darker. My husband doesn't treat him differently. Sometimes someone is mixed, but it's not apparent. So do I tell him he should identify as brown when to the outside world, he looks white? I have told people my husband is Asian, and they flat out say he doesn't look Asian. I feel like if my kids tell people they're mixed, many people will say they don't look mixed. I think that's why my husband just wanted to consider them white. Compared to him, they look white.

Woa, your husband has issues. Why is he so keen to identify them as white? Why aren’t you just saying you’re half-Indian, half-white? That’s what we told our kids. No one is asking them to choose a race at that age. And yes, sounds like your husband is the cause of this, and you also, because you seem to be clueless about colorism in S Asia and more generally that kids pick up on these types of things. But really, sounds like it starts with your husband. You can justify all you want, but clearly you and your husband have given your 6 yr old issues, due to your preference for white skin. Please do better for his sake, and for your baby’s.

Because my husband isn't Indian. Why does this forum always lump south Asian to mean India? There are lots of south Asian countries. It's like saying all East Asians are Chinese.

Well, half-Pakistani, Nepalese, whichever S Asian country your husband is from. Not sure how that changes anything with regard to your issue??

Its annoying, that's all. People constantly call him Indian, and it bugs him. It's like when people get your name wrong 😆 Even my parents say he's Indian 😆

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Anonymous wrote:Not all S Asians who marry white people are racist or colorist, but it sure seems like that played into your husband’s decision making!

Who is asking you to identify your child’s race? My child at that age described people as pink, tan, brown. As we talked about history and race, we talked about labels. Still told our kids they are half white/half Asian. That’s how they answer if anyone asks. Every form I have had to fill out allows me to check both. Why are you erasing half of their heritage? Their skin color is not all that makes them half-Indian. There are lots of black people with light enough skin to be considered white. It’s not about skin color. Why are you and your husband so focused on trying to be white? Of course your kids will be messed up.

I know multiple S Asian men with similar issues. Their white wives have stepped up to learn about their culture, pass it along to their kids, so they can love all parts of themselves. You may have to address some of your own prejudices and step up here. Your husband is likely not going to be the one who can navigate this well.

He has dark skin. He's friends with mostly Asians or Arabs. I don't think he's racist. Maybe he said that because he thought if the kids identified themselves as white, their lives would be easier. My husband is much more Asian than American, but he's from Myanmar. It's harder to find circles like that here. He doesn't use bleach creams or anything like that. Most of his family doesn't speak English. They don't live in the US.

OP here. I know he's not racist, but he gets uncomfortable when people ask him where he's from. For example, we were on a boat tour, an Indian guy asked him if he was Mexican, and my husband told him he was from Florida. I'm not sure why my husband couldn't say I am from Myanmar. I try to stay out of it.

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Anonymous wrote:Not all S Asians who marry white people are racist or colorist, but it sure seems like that played into your husband’s decision making!

Who is asking you to identify your child’s race? My child at that age described people as pink, tan, brown. As we talked about history and race, we talked about labels. Still told our kids they are half white/half Asian. That’s how they answer if anyone asks. Every form I have had to fill out allows me to check both. Why are you erasing half of their heritage? Their skin color is not all that makes them half-Indian. There are lots of black people with light enough skin to be considered white. It’s not about skin color. Why are you and your husband so focused on trying to be white? Of course your kids will be messed up.

I know multiple S Asian men with similar issues. Their white wives have stepped up to learn about their culture, pass it along to their kids, so they can love all parts of themselves. You may have to address some of your own prejudices and step up here. Your husband is likely not going to be the one who can navigate this well.

He has dark skin. He's friends with mostly Asians or Arabs. I don't think he's racist. Maybe he said that because he thought if the kids identified themselves as white, their lives would be easier. My husband is much more Asian than American, but he's from Myanmar. It's harder to find circles like that here. He doesn't use bleach creams or anything like that. Most of his family doesn't speak English. They don't live in the US.

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Anonymous wrote:He said it's a good thing he's not black. His Dad is south Asian. He's medium brown. I am white. His dad does say the baby is like a white version of him, and he is. He looks like a copy of my husband except for the skin color. When our six-year-old said this, we asked him why he would say that. He immediately started crying. I explained that it was very offensive. He's exposed to different people at school and Saturday language school. I'm not sure if he mixed up with words/meanings. Right before he said that, he asked me what color he was. He asks this question a lot. His little brother has lighter skin. I tell him he's a mix of Mommy and Daddy, olive-toned. I don't know if we should be talking more or less about skin color. I want to bring up the topic again.

OP you need to have a serious talk with YOUR HUSBAND. In South Asia, colorism is big and real, he may not even noticed how he interacts with his dark skinned son versus the lighter baby or the comments he makes. It may all be still in his subconscious, but your husband and his family have been exposed to a deep, long seeded self hatred of dark skin. Your kid is just picking upon cues.

The other son is not dark at all. Maybe he notices we talk about his brother being white and feels left out.

You think? Your 6 year old is not stupid; he can see that he's darker than the baby. Then mom and dad keep bringing up the baby being white, and six y/o says, "good thing I'm not black," and you're confused?

He's slightly darker. My husband doesn't treat him differently. Sometimes someone is mixed, but it's not apparent. So do I tell him he should identify as brown when to the outside world, he looks white? I have told people my husband is Asian, and they flat out say he doesn't look Asian. I feel like if my kids tell people they're mixed, many people will say they don't look mixed. I think that's why my husband just wanted to consider them white. Compared to him, they look white.

Woa, your husband has issues. Why is he so keen to identify them as white? Why aren’t you just saying you’re half-Indian, half-white? That’s what we told our kids. No one is asking them to choose a race at that age. And yes, sounds like your husband is the cause of this, and you also, because you seem to be clueless about colorism in S Asia and more generally that kids pick up on these types of things. But really, sounds like it starts with your husband. You can justify all you want, but clearly you and your husband have given your 6 yr old issues, due to your preference for white skin. Please do better for his sake, and for your baby’s.

Because my husband isn't Indian. Why does this forum always lump south Asian to mean India? There are lots of south Asian countries. It's like saying all East Asians are Chinese.

Well, half-Pakistani, Nepalese, whichever S Asian country your husband is from. Not sure how that changes anything with regard to your issue??

Anonymous wrote:Not all S Asians who marry white people are racist or colorist, but it sure seems like that played into your husband’s decision making!

Who is asking you to identify your child’s race? My child at that age described people as pink, tan, brown. As we talked about history and race, we talked about labels. Still told our kids they are half white/half Asian. That’s how they answer if anyone asks. Every form I have had to fill out allows me to check both. Why are you erasing half of their heritage? Their skin color is not all that makes them half-Indian. There are lots of black people with light enough skin to be considered white. It’s not about skin color. Why are you and your husband so focused on trying to be white? Of course your kids will be messed up.

I know multiple S Asian men with similar issues. Their white wives have stepped up to learn about their culture, pass it along to their kids, so they can love all parts of themselves. You may have to address some of your own prejudices and step up here. Your husband is likely not going to be the one who can navigate this well.