OP here. My DH saw the thread and said I missed all the relevant context about my parents and me not sticking up for him when they were mean and controlling over the last three years. I agree there is context here that posters might be overlooking and should consider. He said I don’t decide when something I’m upset about is resolved and that being direct is not mean.

OP, can you not see how horrible your husband is? He referred to you as the enemy, he micromanages your correspondence with your mother, and he’s butt hurt over something that is not at all a big deal.

Think about this: you are in a knot because you put a heart emoji on a response that your mother sent. Think about how jacked up that is.

I never say this but you should absolutely leave this guy. He told you that he’s not gonna have children with you until you “resolve “this issue with your mother??? OP, for the love of God look at this situation through a clear lens. Your husband is a total jerk and that’s the nicest thing I can say about him.

Individual and couple's counseling. Leave your parents alone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Any advice on what to do in this particular situation to make things better? Our marriage counselor does family therapy. Is that something people recommend I include my parents join us for?

No. This issue does not involve your parents.

It looks like your husband is trying to isolate you from your family. You need some individual therapy, OP, with someone outside the presence of your husband who can give you advice.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom passed away a few years ago. Seeing how the DH spoke to the mom made me especially sad. If my mom was still around I know my DH would be kind to her, even though she could be a lot!

OP, you deserve better.

OP here. It does make me very sad. I wish DH could accept my mom's apology and be a little nicer and forgiving. He says maybe I should find someone else who is willing to put up with being controlled by my parents. I feel like it is possible to set boundaries, accept apologies when they are broken, and be kind.

OP, is your DH kind of mean in other situations? What about the dynamics between just the two of you?

I’m thinking of you…

OP here. He can be mean to me during arguments and say things he later apologizes for. He said he needs to work on that but that’s not the main issue to resolve, ie, I need to not start arguments related to my parents and be better at setting boundaries/not taking their side all the time. I hear him but think we both have things we can do better.

There are no sides to take when someone offers to wash dishes. It's not a problem that needs fixing. It's a fake problem. And it's not an interference in the relationship of your marriage. It's only a problem because your DH is overly controlling.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Any advice on what to do in this particular situation to make things better? Our marriage counselor does family therapy. Is that something people recommend I include my parents join us for?

No. This issue does not involve your parents.

It looks like your husband is trying to isolate you from your family. You need some individual therapy, OP, with someone outside the presence of your husband who can give you advice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Any advice on what to do in this particular situation to make things better? Our marriage counselor does family therapy. Is that something people recommend I include my parents join us for?

Watch Sleeping With The Enemy and see if you see the parallels. Run, woman.

OP here. Yesterday I said I felt upset because I felt like he treats me like the enemy when I am trying to be supportive. He told me that’s because I am the enemy.

You should never be ok with a statement like this. Tell him there's the door if you want to leave. I'm looking for a partnership.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom passed away a few years ago. Seeing how the DH spoke to the mom made me especially sad. If my mom was still around I know my DH would be kind to her, even though she could be a lot!

OP, you deserve better.

OP here. It does make me very sad. I wish DH could accept my mom's apology and be a little nicer and forgiving. He says maybe I should find someone else who is willing to put up with being controlled by my parents. I feel like it is possible to set boundaries, accept apologies when they are broken, and be kind.

In the encounter you posted, your mother was minimally at fault, if at all. Your husband was controlling, and a jerk. And, with the bolded comment above, he is gaslighting you.

I would take him up on his suggestion.

- a husband (and not one who typically joins the "divorce him" chorus - but his behavior is well on its way to being abusive)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Any advice on what to do in this particular situation to make things better? Our marriage counselor does family therapy. Is that something people recommend I include my parents join us for?

Watch Sleeping With The Enemy and see if you see the parallels. Run, woman.

OP here. Yesterday I said I felt upset because I felt like he treats me like the enemy when I am trying to be supportive. He told me that’s because I am the enemy.

OP, do you want children? Sorry if you already addressed that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Any advice on what to do in this particular situation to make things better? Our marriage counselor does family therapy. Is that something people recommend I include my parents join us for?

Watch Sleeping With The Enemy and see if you see the parallels. Run, woman.

OP here. Yesterday I said I felt upset because I felt like he treats me like the enemy when I am trying to be supportive. He told me that’s because I am the enemy.

That sounds so hurtful. Do you feel anxious around him when it comes to other things? Like you are walking on eggshells?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Any advice on what to do in this particular situation to make things better? Our marriage counselor does family therapy. Is that something people recommend I include my parents join us for?

Watch Sleeping With The Enemy and see if you see the parallels. Run, woman.

OP here. Yesterday I said I felt upset because I felt like he treats me like the enemy when I am trying to be supportive. He told me that’s because I am the enemy.

OP you are not seeing things clearly because you are in the midst of the drama. Your marriage is not healthy. Your husband is controlling and does not treat you well. See a therapist alone so you can gain some perspective.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom passed away a few years ago. Seeing how the DH spoke to the mom made me especially sad. If my mom was still around I know my DH would be kind to her, even though she could be a lot!

OP, you deserve better.

OP here. It does make me very sad. I wish DH could accept my mom's apology and be a little nicer and forgiving. He says maybe I should find someone else who is willing to put up with being controlled by my parents. I feel like it is possible to set boundaries, accept apologies when they are broken, and be kind.

Yes, indeed you should. What money do you have? You need to get out. Please tell me you don't have kids together. And please don't marry anyone else until you're sure you're not attracting the same type of man.

She’s clearly not at that point of being ready to leave. She hasn’t accepted that he’s controlling yet. I wish people would be more gentle with OP, you’re going to make her feel worse and avoid this thread when it could be a source of needed support. I’ve been in love with a man like this and it can really mess with your head.

I see this guy as being way insecure. The kind that only thinks he's a nice guy and can't see his shadow parts.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom passed away a few years ago. Seeing how the DH spoke to the mom made me especially sad. If my mom was still around I know my DH would be kind to her, even though she could be a lot!

OP, you deserve better.

OP here. It does make me very sad. I wish DH could accept my mom's apology and be a little nicer and forgiving. He says maybe I should find someone else who is willing to put up with being controlled by my parents. I feel like it is possible to set boundaries, accept apologies when they are broken, and be kind.

OP, is your DH kind of mean in other situations? What about the dynamics between just the two of you?

I’m thinking of you…

OP here. He can be mean to me during arguments and say things he later apologizes for. He said he needs to work on that but that’s not the main issue to resolve, ie, I need to not start arguments related to my parents and be better at setting boundaries/not taking their side all the time. I hear him but think we both have things we can do better.