Anonymous wrote:I’m the messy ADHD DW with a neater (but not neat freak) DH. It drives him crazy. But luckily he works to not make messiness a moral failing. Or that I don’t love or care for him because he does the majority of the cleaning. And I have enough good qualities that he puts up with me and my mess.

I’d like to be neater, but I have clutter blindness. And cleaning takes so much executive function and I just can’t keep a good habit going.

The thing with cleaning is, you can outsource some of it. Yes you can have someone come in once a week to clean. But that won’t help the clutter. If she’s not taking dishes to the kitchen, even when she knows she has company coming over, that’s not something that can be solved by a person coming in once a week.

You described me and my husband.

What works is he does cleaning (we do have a weekly cleaner too) and laundry (doesn’t like the way I do it) so I always did a lot of the kid carpooling, grocery shopping and cooking. It becomes a thing where each plays to their strengths.

There were some fights here and there, but over time I learned to not take the criticisms as a personal attack and he also loosened up a bit when kids came. Now with one of our kids (now teens) naturally just like me (crumbs everywhere) and the other meticulous it’s kind of a joke between us.

I believe some of it is almost genetic. They came out of the womb like that. My messy one and myself tend to be low key, always thinking/analyzing and don’t notice little details.

I would stay clear of clean freaks as much as I would of mess monsters. Overall, a slight deviation from the average is fine. People are a package to me, just like beauty isn’t the only trait to attract me, mess won’t be the only trait to distract me.

She won’t change enough. DH and I definitely wouldn’t have married each other if we weren’t at the same level of cleanliness.

Anonymous wrote:How about her hygiene? Sometimes a woman who doesn’t clean her home also doesn’t clean herself well. Having sex with a woman who smells bad is a big turnoff

I’m messy, but meticulous with personal hygiene. Wash my hair daily, shower daily (sometimes twice a day), always clean shaven and fresh pedicure. I don’t dress like a slob and my hair color is fresh.

But I can be messy in the home. I clean and organize, but can mess it up pretty quick.

Your title says your girlfriend but your post says that you’re dating a new woman. Which one is it?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lies. Most men do not clean and are not neat.

Not true. I'm married to a super neat guy. I'm not super messy, but way messier than him. And our son is also super neat.

My husband is an absolute neat freak.

I’m a messy (but not dirty) person, e.g., I can’t stand dishes in sink, food left out of stuff on counters. However, I might not notice the bathroom grime as fast and my closets, drawers are cluttered.

I met my husband in my mid 20s and he talks about how nasty the apartment I shared with my girlfriend was.

It has caused some strife here and there, but it cleans all the time. I tend to cook/grocery shop.

We have a weekly cleaning lady.

One of our kids is like me, the other like my husband.

My husband is like my mom. I’m like my dad.

I’m kind of “out of sight, out of mind” what I can’t see behind closed door, cabinets is fine.

Anonymous wrote:I’m dating a new woman that I really like but she is very messy. I have been to her place twice and it’s a mess. I’m a very clean person and that’s an important quality in a partner. I’m not sure it would workout longterm if we have to live together. Do I say something to her about it?

How many months/dates have you been on?

I have ADHD and I am a successful woman. My place can get messy. A new dude would definitely be the external motivation I need to clean.

Anonymous wrote:How about her hygiene? Sometimes a woman who doesn’t clean her home also doesn’t clean herself well. Having sex with a woman who smells bad is a big turnoff

OP didn’t mention any hygiene problems. Both extremes of grooming can lead to issues.

How about her hygiene? Sometimes a woman who doesn’t clean her home also doesn’t clean herself well. Having sex with a woman who smells bad is a big turnoff

This won't get better. DH is a mess and I still have to clean and pick up after him, though he is much better than when we were dating. DD is a mess, and her BF seems to be okay with it. He is the one who does the housework, but can't always keep up.

Anonymous wrote:No one should talk themselves into overlooking their own red flags. If neatness is important to you, break up.

On the other hand, unlike most habits and personality traits, neatness is easily outsourced. You can have a housekeeper daily, you cannot have someone come in and perform kindness, generosity, humor, etc.

If you think so, you've never lived with a slob. The housekeeper is there for a couple of hours at most. Who do you think is wiping off the meat stuck to every cabinet handle in the kitchen (true story, my MIL came over and made meatballs once) when the housekeeper leaves for the day?

Oh, and there are also tons of kind, generous, etc. people who are also not slobs. FWIW, I don't think making your partner clean up your sh!t, sometimes literally, is particularly kind or generous, although it may be funny.

High maintenance men and women often don’t do much cleaning because their time, focus and resources go into looking flawless themselves.

Many people grow up in households where parents take care of cleaning themselves or outsource it. They aren’t used to doing this stuff themselves so it feels overwhelming, it takes them some time but once on their own, gradually they learn to do these chores. None of my siblings did any chores but all are maintaining their homes well, two gradually turned into full blown clean freaks.

Perpetually messy apartment of an able bodied single person with enough free time is a sign of a low income slob. They can’t clean and can’t afford to hire a cleaner.

Im a messy DW and DH is on the neater side. We make it work because the distance between us is not that great. Both of us had cleaners before we married and my flat was always pristine when DH came over in the early days.

I think the fact that she hasnt bothered tidying up is really the red flag. Either she doesnt think you are worth it or she doesnt see it. Neither of these bode well.