Anonymous
Post 04/07/2022 19:24     Subject: Re:How did you not kill each other during the baby years?!
OP your post is so so typical. The first year of your firstborn is so hard and is rough on marriage. Definitely communicate about what you need.
Anonymous
Post 04/07/2022 14:29     Subject: Re:How did you not kill each other during the baby years?!
I also cannot say enough about the benefit of figuring out a sleep/baby responsibility shift system that works for you. For us, it was that my husband took 10pm-4am and I took 4am-10am; for others the breakdown will be different but it is SO IMPORTANT to get 5+ hours of uninterrupted sleep as soon as you can swing it. It's wild what a good night's sleep can to do soothe irritation (to be clear, I'm a PP who had to create a list for my husband so it's not like sleep solved all, but it's a key ingredient in your actual mental health).
Anonymous
Post 04/07/2022 13:38     Subject: Re:How did you not kill each other during the baby years?!
OP I feel you, it’s a shock to me that my marriage survived the first year. It’s such a huge life shift and dealing with all the changes and being constantly needed on very little sleep is unlike any challenge our relationship had ever gone through. We survived, my husband does a lot without my having to ask, and we decided to even have a second pretty close in age to our first. It will get better with communication, and honestly over time with more sleep. Also, as soon as I stopped breastfeeding (at 6 months in my case), I felt immediately less ragey. I think the hormones were giving me PPA that manifested in a lot of control freak rage that I could only recognize after I stopped. Not at all suggesting you should stop now, but just know that your hormones may be amplifying how you feel currently.

But yes, the mental load women carry blows. We are biologically wired to care about this kid’s needs in a way that I just think men aren’t and without communication, it adds so much to our plate. I hate that the only solution is to feel like the manager of the household to delegate tasks (that my husband too is perfectly capable of thinking about on his own but just doesn’t???) but doing so eventually creates systems of better balance. You can do it! And it’s ok to feel pissed in the meantime!
Anonymous
Post 04/07/2022 13:37     Subject: How did you not kill each other during the baby years?!
I must be in the minority ; my husband does more than I do and I rarely have to ask or remind him. Six weeks postpartum and sleep training a toddler so it’s rough but we are surviving.
Anonymous
Post 04/07/2022 13:33     Subject: Re:How did you not kill each other during the baby years?!
DH and I barely said a civil word to one another in the first year after our second was born. We're still married 15 years later but that was a tough year.
Anonymous
Post 04/07/2022 13:30     Subject: How did you not kill each other during the baby years?!
Anonymous wrote:I married a guy who takes initiative.


This. I married someone who is hardworking, supportive, independently take initiative, and is a good caretaker. I could have married men who were higher earning or in more prestigious careers, but I decided to prioritize other things. I know that this post is not helpful to the OP, so I will try to follow up with more constructive suggestions. It helps to agree to specific tasks and division of labor. Like you, will take care of baby from hours of 8 PM - 1 AM and he will take care from 1 AM to 8 AM or whatever works if you are nursing. Good luck.
Anonymous
Post 04/07/2022 13:17     Subject: Re:How did you not kill each other during the baby years?!
Anonymous wrote:OP, I am so sorry you are going through this and feeling this way, and please know that it's totally normal! Someone mentioned making a to do list, and while only you know if that's something that your husband will react well to, I will say it did wonders for my husband and I when were in a very similar spot to you. But don't just make a list for him, make a list of all the things you do, too, so he really sees it all laid out -- I think this really helps with things seeming fair/equitable/whatever. If you've read anything about "mental load" you'll probably also feel better (or at least less alone) in knowing that you're doing a lot more than you or your husband thinks. And break things down into specific tasks as much as you can, too. At least for me, if I just said my husband is "in charge of the dishes" that means he would put them in the dishwasher, maybe run it, but then he definitely wouldn't unload the dishwasher. Spell. Everything. Out. People on here are going to say you and I should have married men who take initiative, are attentive, blah blah blah, and while I wish my husband was more of these things sometimes, the reality is he needs instruction for me to not want to kill him at this point in our lives and I'd rather make a stupid list than keep pondering divorce. Good luck!! If it's helpful, here's what part of our list looks like:

Household Stuff
Putting stuff in laundry – Mom
Folding laundry – Dad
Trash/recycling – Dad
Grocery store – Both
Washing bottles – Mom
Meal prep/cooking – Dad
Clean up after meals – Mom
Put dishes in dishwasher – Mom
Empty dishwasher – Dad
Car maintenance/repairs (as needed) – Dad
House maintenance/repairs (as needed) – Dad
Managing health insurance/FSA (as needed) – Dad
Vacuuming (weekly) - Mom
Clean bathrooms (weekly) - Mom
Clean kitchen (weekly) - Dad
Dusting (weekly) - Dad


This plus take shifts at night (everyone gets at least 4 uninterrupted hours of sleep). And if he’s not going to do stuff like food shop, rely on takeout and grocery delivery. No need to pressure yourself with shopping and cooking right now.
Anonymous
Post 04/07/2022 13:15     Subject: How did you not kill each other during the baby years?!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People have different focuses. I think when everyone has plenty of sleep and plenty of time, everything gets done. When the sleep and the time get limited, people start to crack a little. My SO would do dumb shit. Like in your example, he would only do the yard work. I hadn’t slept more than 3 hours in a row in months (due to bf) and you want a cookie and a pat on the back because the yard looks good? How about, I don’t know, watching your kid so I can consistently shower or take a walk alone or whatever.


Ok but that’s your choice. I think a lot of the pain of having young kids is self inflicted. There are so many moms who Moll themselves breastfeeding and don’t sleep train. Did your DH ask you to wake up every 3 hours to feed your kid? I doubt it. So it’s kind of silly to judge him. I don’t want a miserable life so I don’t breastfeed and I sleep train at a young age.


I hate women like you. I really do.


Why? If anything you should be hating on the women who breastfeed, stay up on all night, and then complain about it.


See my post below and realize how much hatred you have towards women. Or women who dont act like "men". Im sure if you could pay someone to have your children for you, you would, which is fine, but the end result here is you placing perceived burdens on someone else so that you dont have to carry them- literally and figuratively.


You sound angry that I’m well rested and am not a martyr.


Im angry because you obviously dont like women- you only like men or women like you. It would be fine if you gave suggestions to support OP with choices for the decisions she is making (choosing to breastfeed and/or not sleep train) but INSTEAD of that you are promoting YOUR choices. She is asking for 2 things: 1)acknowledgement that this phase is difficult and 2) that couples struggle with adapting to the phase of having children and all of the new needs that come with it

Your response is to blame her and tell her that her choices are making it difficult. To you there is only be like a man or be a martyr. Women=martyr.

OP- I apologize for hacking this thread but I hate seeing comments that are not supportive and other women blaming breastfeeding or not sleep training for why childrearing and the transition into parenting is difficult.

There are great suggestions here regarding list making, splitting of night duties, outsourcing, etc. Please know you are not alone. These first 6-12 months are difficult (REGARDLESS OF THE PERSONAL CHOICES YOU MAKE).


OP. No apology necessary

It does make me sad that women are so busy tearing each other down over things like BFing rather than fighting for the societal changes that would actually help us. Like socializing men to be fully functioning partners, or providing the accommodations necessary so women can BF, workplaces adapting to the demands of parenthood, fathers taking on a larger role, etc.
Anonymous
Post 04/07/2022 12:14     Subject: Re:How did you not kill each other during the baby years?!
OP, I am so sorry you are going through this and feeling this way, and please know that it's totally normal! Someone mentioned making a to do list, and while only you know if that's something that your husband will react well to, I will say it did wonders for my husband and I when were in a very similar spot to you. But don't just make a list for him, make a list of all the things you do, too, so he really sees it all laid out -- I think this really helps with things seeming fair/equitable/whatever. If you've read anything about "mental load" you'll probably also feel better (or at least less alone) in knowing that you're doing a lot more than you or your husband thinks. And break things down into specific tasks as much as you can, too. At least for me, if I just said my husband is "in charge of the dishes" that means he would put them in the dishwasher, maybe run it, but then he definitely wouldn't unload the dishwasher. Spell. Everything. Out. People on here are going to say you and I should have married men who take initiative, are attentive, blah blah blah, and while I wish my husband was more of these things sometimes, the reality is he needs instruction for me to not want to kill him at this point in our lives and I'd rather make a stupid list than keep pondering divorce. Good luck!! If it's helpful, here's what part of our list looks like:

Household Stuff
Putting stuff in laundry – Mom
Folding laundry – Dad
Trash/recycling – Dad
Grocery store – Both
Washing bottles – Mom
Meal prep/cooking – Dad
Clean up after meals – Mom
Put dishes in dishwasher – Mom
Empty dishwasher – Dad
Car maintenance/repairs (as needed) – Dad
House maintenance/repairs (as needed) – Dad
Managing health insurance/FSA (as needed) – Dad
Vacuuming (weekly) - Mom
Clean bathrooms (weekly) - Mom
Clean kitchen (weekly) - Dad
Dusting (weekly) - Dad
Anonymous
Post 04/07/2022 12:06     Subject: How did you not kill each other during the baby years?!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Agree with the PP who said your husband can’t read your mind. Lay out everything you want, and then discuss the priorities.


I'm not the OP, but as I read the OP's post I was thinking that she shouldn't have to ask him or tell him what needs to be done. Why should she have to point out that meals need to be made or cleaning needs to be done or laundry, etc etc?

I don't expect my husband to read my mind, but I do expect him to have common sense and be able to realize what needs to be done without me having to ask him! Unfortunately, he usually doesn't and after 25+ years of marriage probably isn't going to magically change.


OP. That’s exactly what I mean. When he was single he knew to make dinner, get groceries, replace things when he used it up, etc. And now suddenly there’s a baby he “forgets” any of that needs to be done. It feels like having a child, or a really crappy employee I have to give the exact same checklist to every single day.
Anonymous
Post 04/07/2022 12:01     Subject: How did you not kill each other during the baby years?!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People have different focuses. I think when everyone has plenty of sleep and plenty of time, everything gets done. When the sleep and the time get limited, people start to crack a little. My SO would do dumb shit. Like in your example, he would only do the yard work. I hadn’t slept more than 3 hours in a row in months (due to bf) and you want a cookie and a pat on the back because the yard looks good? How about, I don’t know, watching your kid so I can consistently shower or take a walk alone or whatever.


Ok but that’s your choice. I think a lot of the pain of having young kids is self inflicted. There are so many moms who Moll themselves breastfeeding and don’t sleep train. Did your DH ask you to wake up every 3 hours to feed your kid? I doubt it. So it’s kind of silly to judge him. I don’t want a miserable life so I don’t breastfeed and I sleep train at a young age.


I hate women like you. I really do.


Why? If anything you should be hating on the women who breastfeed, stay up on all night, and then complain about it.


See my post below and realize how much hatred you have towards women. Or women who dont act like "men". Im sure if you could pay someone to have your children for you, you would, which is fine, but the end result here is you placing perceived burdens on someone else so that you dont have to carry them- literally and figuratively.


You sound angry that I’m well rested and am not a martyr.


Im angry because you obviously dont like women- you only like men or women like you. It would be fine if you gave suggestions to support OP with choices for the decisions she is making (choosing to breastfeed and/or not sleep train) but INSTEAD of that you are promoting YOUR choices. She is asking for 2 things: 1)acknowledgement that this phase is difficult and 2) that couples struggle with adapting to the phase of having children and all of the new needs that come with it

Your response is to blame her and tell her that her choices are making it difficult. To you there is only be like a man or be a martyr. Women=martyr.

OP- I apologize for hacking this thread but I hate seeing comments that are not supportive and other women blaming breastfeeding or not sleep training for why childrearing and the transition into parenting is difficult.

There are great suggestions here regarding list making, splitting of night duties, outsourcing, etc. Please know you are not alone. These first 6-12 months are difficult (REGARDLESS OF THE PERSONAL CHOICES YOU MAKE).


And what exactly will these 2 things accomplish? Nothing.

Anonymous
Post 04/07/2022 12:01     Subject: How did you not kill each other during the baby years?!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Agree with the PP who said your husband can’t read your mind. Lay out everything you want, and then discuss the priorities.


I'm not the OP, but as I read the OP's post I was thinking that she shouldn't have to ask him or tell him what needs to be done. Why should she have to point out that meals need to be made or cleaning needs to be done or laundry, etc etc?

I don't expect my husband to read my mind, but I do expect him to have common sense and be able to realize what needs to be done without me having to ask him! Unfortunately, he usually doesn't and after 25+ years of marriage probably isn't going to magically change.


Because nobody knows what YOU want.

What YOU want is not common sense it’s probably more specific that you realize.
Anonymous
Post 04/07/2022 11:57     Subject: Re:How did you not kill each other during the baby years?!
Anonymous wrote:OP I don’t know why evolution did this, probably so we would break up and to find other sperm, but I’ve never hated my husband the way I did when our baby was little and objectively, he also SUCKED. He does so much more around the house now, two years in. It makes no sense. For sure I was more inclined physically to be mad and also obviously you’re both exhausted. It’s really hard and I think it’s a real phenomenon that should be talked about more so people know it’s coming.

One thing that helped is we had to pick things that he does EVERY DAY. So he is always responsible for the dishes before bed, for washing the pump parts before bed, for evening bath. Or whatever is your list but that really helped a lot. It was just impossible for him to take initiative on other stuff. He would say because I was bossy/already doing it, I would say because I am a functional adult.

I don’t know but this has gotten so much better. It left a scar, absolutely. There’s no question. But I’m back to believing that our marriage is a long road that will have hills and valleys and we’ve been able to enjoy enjoying each other a lot more lately. For a long time we only enjoyed enjoying the baby together, so it’s progress.


+1,000
I wanted to divorce and then kill my husband for the first year of both kids’ lives. Sleep deprivation + upheaval + hormones.
Second the suggestion to have things that he does every day. Make it routine. Attempt to give him the things that you despise and he’s okay with, if such chores exist.
TBH that first year I wasn’t proactively doing things either.
It gets better, OP, it really does.
Anonymous
Post 04/07/2022 11:43     Subject: How did you not kill each other during the baby years?!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People have different focuses. I think when everyone has plenty of sleep and plenty of time, everything gets done. When the sleep and the time get limited, people start to crack a little. My SO would do dumb shit. Like in your example, he would only do the yard work. I hadn’t slept more than 3 hours in a row in months (due to bf) and you want a cookie and a pat on the back because the yard looks good? How about, I don’t know, watching your kid so I can consistently shower or take a walk alone or whatever.


Ok but that’s your choice. I think a lot of the pain of having young kids is self inflicted. There are so many moms who Moll themselves breastfeeding and don’t sleep train. Did your DH ask you to wake up every 3 hours to feed your kid? I doubt it. So it’s kind of silly to judge him. I don’t want a miserable life so I don’t breastfeed and I sleep train at a young age.


I hate women like you. I really do.


Why? If anything you should be hating on the women who breastfeed, stay up on all night, and then complain about it.


See my post below and realize how much hatred you have towards women. Or women who dont act like "men". Im sure if you could pay someone to have your children for you, you would, which is fine, but the end result here is you placing perceived burdens on someone else so that you dont have to carry them- literally and figuratively.


You sound angry that I’m well rested and am not a martyr.


Im angry because you obviously dont like women- you only like men or women like you. It would be fine if you gave suggestions to support OP with choices for the decisions she is making (choosing to breastfeed and/or not sleep train) but INSTEAD of that you are promoting YOUR choices. She is asking for 2 things: 1)acknowledgement that this phase is difficult and 2) that couples struggle with adapting to the phase of having children and all of the new needs that come with it

Your response is to blame her and tell her that her choices are making it difficult. To you there is only be like a man or be a martyr. Women=martyr.

OP- I apologize for hacking this thread but I hate seeing comments that are not supportive and other women blaming breastfeeding or not sleep training for why childrearing and the transition into parenting is difficult.

There are great suggestions here regarding list making, splitting of night duties, outsourcing, etc. Please know you are not alone. These first 6-12 months are difficult (REGARDLESS OF THE PERSONAL CHOICES YOU MAKE).
Anonymous
Post 04/07/2022 11:40     Subject: How did you not kill each other during the baby years?!
Anonymous wrote:Agree with the PP who said your husband can’t read your mind. Lay out everything you want, and then discuss the priorities.


I'm not the OP, but as I read the OP's post I was thinking that she shouldn't have to ask him or tell him what needs to be done. Why should she have to point out that meals need to be made or cleaning needs to be done or laundry, etc etc?

I don't expect my husband to read my mind, but I do expect him to have common sense and be able to realize what needs to be done without me having to ask him! Unfortunately, he usually doesn't and after 25+ years of marriage probably isn't going to magically change.