Anonymous
03/15/2022 09:30
Subject: Re:Does your mom find "surrogate" daughters she gushes about?
Anonymous wrote:I'm the poster who always agrees with my toxic mom by sayingat her "adopted" daughter sounds amazing. What really shut her up was when I said "she sounds amazing! She must have had an incredible mother!"
No mention from toxic mom since. LOL.
TM not very bright.
That is awesome!
Anonymous
03/15/2022 07:31
Subject: Re:Does your mom find "surrogate" daughters she gushes about?
I'm the poster who always agrees with my toxic mom by sayingat her "adopted" daughter sounds amazing. What really shut her up was when I said "she sounds amazing! She must have had an incredible mother!"
No mention from toxic mom since. LOL.
TM not very bright.
No mention from toxic mom since. LOL.
TM not very bright.
Anonymous
03/15/2022 07:08
Subject: Does your mom find "surrogate" daughters she gushes about?
Anonymous wrote:I could have written your post. My mom was a college professor and favorited my only other sibling, my younger brother. I was her scapegoat and became an overachiever to try and win her approval. Nothing ever worked, she compared me and fawned over her favorite female students. I can’t count the times she would say’why can’t you be like so and so?’ To this day even after she’s retired she’s focusing her attention on her bonus daughter and still barely notices me. Therapy helps but it will still always sting.
Daughter of a teacher here. My mother fawned over certain female students too. I heard about them constantly. It almost makes me feel creepy thinking back to how obsessed she was them and the pedestal she put them on.
Anonymous
03/14/2022 21:00
Subject: Does your mom find "surrogate" daughters she gushes about?
Giving you a virtual hug OP (and to anyone else whose Mum did this). This is utter bullsh!t and you deserved better. Your Mum's poor self esteem should never have been made your business/affected you. Very manipulative of her.
Anonymous
03/14/2022 18:05
Subject: Does your mom find "surrogate" daughters she gushes about?
No. But then she already has 4 daughters…that’s quite enough
Anonymous
03/14/2022 17:47
Subject: Does your mom find "surrogate" daughters she gushes about?
I could have written your post. My mom was a college professor and favorited my only other sibling, my younger brother. I was her scapegoat and became an overachiever to try and win her approval. Nothing ever worked, she compared me and fawned over her favorite female students. I can’t count the times she would say’why can’t you be like so and so?’ To this day even after she’s retired she’s focusing her attention on her bonus daughter and still barely notices me. Therapy helps but it will still always sting.
Anonymous
03/14/2022 12:31
Subject: Does your mom find "surrogate" daughters she gushes about?
Anonymous wrote: My whole life my mother has done this and she gushes about the person until mom is dumped by her new found daughter or mom does the dumping. What I came to realize is usually the person had many qualities and life choices she would rip to shreds if they were from me. I used to take it so personally and wonder what was wrong with me that she could not appreciate what I did for her or who I was. Now that she is older and far crueler to me, I am just glad to hear she still finds people willing to spend time with her since some of her friends are fading away/ disappearing and not due to death or illness. Now that I don't say anything, but "that's wonderful!" and I guess I don't get any anxiety or hurt in my voice, she ups the ante and does an actual comparison for me of why my peer is better better than I am. I don't react and just make an excuse to get off the phone or I don't return the text. Does anyone else's mother do this sort of thing?
Yup. Mom's surrogate daughter is praised and admired for being a "strong, independent woman" - career oriented, single, childless, doesn't want a husband or kids. But if I'm anything other than a 100% devoted housewife and SAHM, I'm ripped apart.
It's a weird dynamic. I know my mom sees a lot of herself in surrogate; mom was career oriented and went from extreme poverty (like, house with dirt floors level poverty) to making $500k a year. But she's always pushed me to marry a rich man, become a SAHM, and never work. I know she wants me to have an easy life, but it sucks she relates to and fawns over surrogate more than me.
Anonymous
03/14/2022 12:04
Subject: Does your mom find "surrogate" daughters she gushes about?
This has been so interesting to read and has really made me reflect. I think my grandmother - my mother's mother - was like this.
She died with I was 11, so I think I never really felt many of the impacts, and my mother is very private personally so it wasn't until I was in my 30s, I guess, that I found out my grandmother was an alcoholic. When I was born my parents had to tell her that she could not watch me alone when she was drinking, for example.
My grandmother stayed in Girl Scouts long after her children were grown and done, and pre grandkids. She was always "adopting" troubled girls from Girl Scouts who would stay with her. (Heck, actually she (and my grandfather) legally adopted a young girl whose mother couldn't take care of her - my mother was an older teen when a toddler came to live in the house as her sister).
Once, my father had a terrible death in his family, and my parents had to travel to the funeral. It was in the middle of school, and we had no money, and it was a difficult, emotional loss (a cousin of mine - my father's sister's child - had died from childhood leukemia) and so my parents left me and my two years younger brother with my grandmother. I was 8 and brother was 6. My grandmother packed my brother and me up and along with the latest random teenage Girl Scout living with her and drove us to a city 4 hours away, where we spent a day going to museums. In my memory, it was a fun, but weird, trip. My grandmother was just kinda fun but weird was how I always thought of her.
Anyway, decades later somehow this comes up and my mom and dad tell me how upset they were with her and how it was a huge blow up and they could not believe she would have taken us on this getaway.
I think it's a true testament to my mom (and dad) and to their ability to break the cycle that I knew something was weird when I was a kid, but it never impacted me and I had a good relationship with my grandmother. I have wondered on and off if she had lived into my teenage years if things might have been different between us, but for me now, it's easy to see that she was a difficult, troubled woman and my mom really overcame a lot.
She died with I was 11, so I think I never really felt many of the impacts, and my mother is very private personally so it wasn't until I was in my 30s, I guess, that I found out my grandmother was an alcoholic. When I was born my parents had to tell her that she could not watch me alone when she was drinking, for example.
My grandmother stayed in Girl Scouts long after her children were grown and done, and pre grandkids. She was always "adopting" troubled girls from Girl Scouts who would stay with her. (Heck, actually she (and my grandfather) legally adopted a young girl whose mother couldn't take care of her - my mother was an older teen when a toddler came to live in the house as her sister).
Once, my father had a terrible death in his family, and my parents had to travel to the funeral. It was in the middle of school, and we had no money, and it was a difficult, emotional loss (a cousin of mine - my father's sister's child - had died from childhood leukemia) and so my parents left me and my two years younger brother with my grandmother. I was 8 and brother was 6. My grandmother packed my brother and me up and along with the latest random teenage Girl Scout living with her and drove us to a city 4 hours away, where we spent a day going to museums. In my memory, it was a fun, but weird, trip. My grandmother was just kinda fun but weird was how I always thought of her.
Anyway, decades later somehow this comes up and my mom and dad tell me how upset they were with her and how it was a huge blow up and they could not believe she would have taken us on this getaway.
I think it's a true testament to my mom (and dad) and to their ability to break the cycle that I knew something was weird when I was a kid, but it never impacted me and I had a good relationship with my grandmother. I have wondered on and off if she had lived into my teenage years if things might have been different between us, but for me now, it's easy to see that she was a difficult, troubled woman and my mom really overcame a lot.
Anonymous
03/14/2022 11:26
Subject: Does your mom find "surrogate" daughters she gushes about?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote: My whole life my mother has done this and she gushes about the person until mom is dumped by her new found daughter or mom does the dumping. What I came to realize is usually the person had many qualities and life choices she would rip to shreds if they were from me. I used to take it so personally and wonder what was wrong with me that she could not appreciate what I did for her or who I was. Now that she is older and far crueler to me, I am just glad to hear she still finds people willing to spend time with her since some of her friends are fading away/ disappearing and not due to death or illness. Now that I don't say anything, but "that's wonderful!" and I guess I don't get any anxiety or hurt in my voice, she ups the ante and does an actual comparison for me of why my peer is better better than I am. I don't react and just make an excuse to get off the phone or I don't return the text. Does anyone else's mother do this sort of thing?
Yes, I had a mom like that too. One example I can think of: When I was in middle school my parents were planning a trip to Belgium--for themselves, of course! My brothers and I were not included. Anyway, to prepare for this trip, they took a french class at some local community center, I saw the paper work and it said all ages. I asked if I could take the class too--and was told of course not.
Once the class started my mom was constantly gushing about a little girl (about a year younger than me) that was in the class. Wasn't she just amazing for taking a french class at such a young age! Oh she's just wonderful and SO SMART! Etc. After every class they took, I got to hear all about this girl.
Many years later when I was adult, my mom would go on and on about her "work daughter" Katie. Katie was having problems with her boyfriend and my mom even invited Katie to come live with her and my dad!
Wait... so your parents aren’t allowed to go on vacation without you?
Of course they were, and they always did. They "deserved it, damn it!" And it didn't matter what happened to their kids while they were gone. If you really want to know more about that trip to Belgium...They didn't have family that could come stay with us, and they didn't want to send us to a family member's house because we'd miss school.
There was a family in our neighborhood, my little brother was friends with their son. My mom used to always say that Caroline (the mom) was a neglectful mother--the little girl in the family was about 3-4 years old and she'd be outside playing in the snow in nothing but a t shirt--no shoes, no pants, just a t shirt!
So of course, when my parents needed to find a babysitter for us while they were in Belgium for a week--who could they ask for a recommendation? Why, Caroline--the "neglectful mother!" And Caroline had someone in mind--a 22 year old woman named Beth.
I think my mom met Beth once before they left. The first night Beth took us into Boston (about a 45 minute drive away) on a school night. The circus was in town and she was able to get free tickets from her boss at work--nice, right? On the way home she stopped at a bar (she said her mom was in the bar and she needed to talk to her mom.) My brother's and I waited in the parking lot of the bar for what seemed like at least an hour (by now it was about 10 pm on a school night.)
So that was the first night.
The subsequent nights were even worse. Beth had three boyfriends. Each one of them took turns spending the night at our house. Some nights Beth's best friend and her boyfriend spent the night (11 year old me came down to the family room in my pjs one morning to see a naked couple on the sofa bed) too.
Lots of late night partying and alcohol every night, strange men spending the night, I saw my first R rated move that weekend...
But what else could my parents do? They wanted to go to Belgium, and they "deserved it, damn it!"
You'd think they would have learned their lesson, but no. A few years later they went to Hawaii (yes, they "deserved it, damn it") and this time hired another compete stranger to watch their children while they were overseas. This time it was an older lady, that was completely against 14 year old me being out past 9 pm on a Friday night. Ok...but the problem was--I wasn't just out having fun with friends--this was for my school marching band/football game. The game went until 10 pm at night and then I had to change and get a ride home. My parents knew this was mandatory (marching band was counted in place of PE in my school--so it was an actual graded class and I would be marked down for not attending) but didn't communicate it with the babysitter--and the babysitter didn't care when I told her. When I returned home that night (directly from the game) she had dead bolted the door so I couldn't get in (yes, she was well aware I did not have a key to that lock!) She wanted me to face "consequences" for being out past the curfew she made up!
She was just a mean nasty abusive woman who screamed at my younger brother until he cried when he didn't eat his vegetables. It was really awful. But my parents wanted to go to Hawaii and they "deserved it, damn it!" so us kids just had to deal with it.
But yeah, of course they were allowed to go on vacation without us--those are the two big overseas trips they took without us--but there were many others that were shorter or over school breaks so they were able to send us to a family member's house instead of hiring random strangers. We never went on family vacations that were not tied to a work conference for my dad or a family wedding.
I get your life sucked and your parents suck but you are coming across entitled and bitter. Clearly you don’t have great parents. Frame it that way, over “my parents didn’t invite me in vacation”.
I’m a NP but this is a ridiculous response. “The PP didn’t frame it as she didn’t get invited on vacation,” - - it’s her parents! And she doesn’t come across as entitled. PP, just ignore this petty response.
You are the same women that tear apart others when they post about their mean SIL and spin it to be their fault. Please.
Anonymous
03/14/2022 11:06
Subject: Does your mom find "surrogate" daughters she gushes about?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:When I was in 4th grade, super awkward with no friends, my mom said my bully was the most beautiful child she had ever seen. In fact she still mentions it!
My mil does that about my husband’s bully-we get regular updates abt his (mediocre!) career. It’s bizarre.
Thank you sharing this. My mom defends anyone over the years who was ever cruel to me. Luckily I have a good support network of friends, maybe in part because my mom never had my back. One of my siblings-older sister was a horrible bully to me. It went beyond sibling rivalry and even teachers expressed concern about how toxic her behavior was with people who she considered threats at school. Well because she never got help my sister struggles with relationships. Any intimate relationships went up in flames. She only has one close friend and the rest of her network is people who are paid (nanny, housekeeper, people beneath her at work). Anytime she confides in mom about yet another issue where she is the victim my mom totally has her back and is consumed with indignation. She wants me to comfort my sister too. (She doesn't even bother trying to drag my brother in).
Anonymous
03/14/2022 11:00
Subject: Does your mom find "surrogate" daughters she gushes about?
Anonymous wrote:When I was in 4th grade, super awkward with no friends, my mom said my bully was the most beautiful child she had ever seen. In fact she still mentions it!
My mil does that about my husband’s bully-we get regular updates abt his (mediocre!) career. It’s bizarre.
Anonymous
03/14/2022 10:57
Subject: Does your mom find "surrogate" daughters she gushes about?
When I was in 4th grade, super awkward with no friends, my mom said my bully was the most beautiful child she had ever seen. In fact she still mentions it!
Anonymous
03/14/2022 10:56
Subject: Does your mom find "surrogate" daughters she gushes about?
Oops, I put the open quotation mark in the wrong spot, but you get the idea.
Anonymous
03/14/2022 10:55
Subject: Does your mom find "surrogate" daughters she gushes about?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote: My whole life my mother has done this and she gushes about the person until mom is dumped by her new found daughter or mom does the dumping. What I came to realize is usually the person had many qualities and life choices she would rip to shreds if they were from me. I used to take it so personally and wonder what was wrong with me that she could not appreciate what I did for her or who I was. Now that she is older and far crueler to me, I am just glad to hear she still finds people willing to spend time with her since some of her friends are fading away/ disappearing and not due to death or illness. Now that I don't say anything, but "that's wonderful!" and I guess I don't get any anxiety or hurt in my voice, she ups the ante and does an actual comparison for me of why my peer is better better than I am. I don't react and just make an excuse to get off the phone or I don't return the text. Does anyone else's mother do this sort of thing?
Yes, I had a mom like that too. One example I can think of: When I was in middle school my parents were planning a trip to Belgium--for themselves, of course! My brothers and I were not included. Anyway, to prepare for this trip, they took a french class at some local community center, I saw the paper work and it said all ages. I asked if I could take the class too--and was told of course not.
Once the class started my mom was constantly gushing about a little girl (about a year younger than me) that was in the class. Wasn't she just amazing for taking a french class at such a young age! Oh she's just wonderful and SO SMART! Etc. After every class they took, I got to hear all about this girl.
Many years later when I was adult, my mom would go on and on about her "work daughter" Katie. Katie was having problems with her boyfriend and my mom even invited Katie to come live with her and my dad!
Wait... so your parents aren’t allowed to go on vacation without you?
Of course they were, and they always did. They "deserved it, damn it!" And it didn't matter what happened to their kids while they were gone. If you really want to know more about that trip to Belgium...They didn't have family that could come stay with us, and they didn't want to send us to a family member's house because we'd miss school.
There was a family in our neighborhood, my little brother was friends with their son. My mom used to always say that Caroline (the mom) was a neglectful mother--the little girl in the family was about 3-4 years old and she'd be outside playing in the snow in nothing but a t shirt--no shoes, no pants, just a t shirt!
So of course, when my parents needed to find a babysitter for us while they were in Belgium for a week--who could they ask for a recommendation? Why, Caroline--the "neglectful mother!" And Caroline had someone in mind--a 22 year old woman named Beth.
I think my mom met Beth once before they left. The first night Beth took us into Boston (about a 45 minute drive away) on a school night. The circus was in town and she was able to get free tickets from her boss at work--nice, right? On the way home she stopped at a bar (she said her mom was in the bar and she needed to talk to her mom.) My brother's and I waited in the parking lot of the bar for what seemed like at least an hour (by now it was about 10 pm on a school night.)
So that was the first night.
The subsequent nights were even worse. Beth had three boyfriends. Each one of them took turns spending the night at our house. Some nights Beth's best friend and her boyfriend spent the night (11 year old me came down to the family room in my pjs one morning to see a naked couple on the sofa bed) too.
Lots of late night partying and alcohol every night, strange men spending the night, I saw my first R rated move that weekend...
But what else could my parents do? They wanted to go to Belgium, and they "deserved it, damn it!"
You'd think they would have learned their lesson, but no. A few years later they went to Hawaii (yes, they "deserved it, damn it") and this time hired another compete stranger to watch their children while they were overseas. This time it was an older lady, that was completely against 14 year old me being out past 9 pm on a Friday night. Ok...but the problem was--I wasn't just out having fun with friends--this was for my school marching band/football game. The game went until 10 pm at night and then I had to change and get a ride home. My parents knew this was mandatory (marching band was counted in place of PE in my school--so it was an actual graded class and I would be marked down for not attending) but didn't communicate it with the babysitter--and the babysitter didn't care when I told her. When I returned home that night (directly from the game) she had dead bolted the door so I couldn't get in (yes, she was well aware I did not have a key to that lock!) She wanted me to face "consequences" for being out past the curfew she made up!
She was just a mean nasty abusive woman who screamed at my younger brother until he cried when he didn't eat his vegetables. It was really awful. But my parents wanted to go to Hawaii and they "deserved it, damn it!" so us kids just had to deal with it.
But yeah, of course they were allowed to go on vacation without us--those are the two big overseas trips they took without us--but there were many others that were shorter or over school breaks so they were able to send us to a family member's house instead of hiring random strangers. We never went on family vacations that were not tied to a work conference for my dad or a family wedding.
I get your life sucked and your parents suck but you are coming across entitled and bitter. Clearly you don’t have great parents. Frame it that way, over “my parents didn’t invite me in vacation”.
And there you go. We are afraid to talk about these things because someone comes on and says you are entitled when you say your parents left you with someone disturbed and cared more about their own pleasure and leisure than the safety of their children. I am not the poster, but I relate to her or him. If you don't like it, find another thread.
Anonymous
03/14/2022 10:55
Subject: Does your mom find "surrogate" daughters she gushes about?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote: My whole life my mother has done this and she gushes about the person until mom is dumped by her new found daughter or mom does the dumping. What I came to realize is usually the person had many qualities and life choices she would rip to shreds if they were from me. I used to take it so personally and wonder what was wrong with me that she could not appreciate what I did for her or who I was. Now that she is older and far crueler to me, I am just glad to hear she still finds people willing to spend time with her since some of her friends are fading away/ disappearing and not due to death or illness. Now that I don't say anything, but "that's wonderful!" and I guess I don't get any anxiety or hurt in my voice, she ups the ante and does an actual comparison for me of why my peer is better better than I am. I don't react and just make an excuse to get off the phone or I don't return the text. Does anyone else's mother do this sort of thing?
Yes, I had a mom like that too. One example I can think of: When I was in middle school my parents were planning a trip to Belgium--for themselves, of course! My brothers and I were not included. Anyway, to prepare for this trip, they took a french class at some local community center, I saw the paper work and it said all ages. I asked if I could take the class too--and was told of course not.
Once the class started my mom was constantly gushing about a little girl (about a year younger than me) that was in the class. Wasn't she just amazing for taking a french class at such a young age! Oh she's just wonderful and SO SMART! Etc. After every class they took, I got to hear all about this girl.
Many years later when I was adult, my mom would go on and on about her "work daughter" Katie. Katie was having problems with her boyfriend and my mom even invited Katie to come live with her and my dad!
Wait... so your parents aren’t allowed to go on vacation without you?
Of course they were, and they always did. They "deserved it, damn it!" And it didn't matter what happened to their kids while they were gone. If you really want to know more about that trip to Belgium...They didn't have family that could come stay with us, and they didn't want to send us to a family member's house because we'd miss school.
There was a family in our neighborhood, my little brother was friends with their son. My mom used to always say that Caroline (the mom) was a neglectful mother--the little girl in the family was about 3-4 years old and she'd be outside playing in the snow in nothing but a t shirt--no shoes, no pants, just a t shirt!
So of course, when my parents needed to find a babysitter for us while they were in Belgium for a week--who could they ask for a recommendation? Why, Caroline--the "neglectful mother!" And Caroline had someone in mind--a 22 year old woman named Beth.
I think my mom met Beth once before they left. The first night Beth took us into Boston (about a 45 minute drive away) on a school night. The circus was in town and she was able to get free tickets from her boss at work--nice, right? On the way home she stopped at a bar (she said her mom was in the bar and she needed to talk to her mom.) My brother's and I waited in the parking lot of the bar for what seemed like at least an hour (by now it was about 10 pm on a school night.)
So that was the first night.
The subsequent nights were even worse. Beth had three boyfriends. Each one of them took turns spending the night at our house. Some nights Beth's best friend and her boyfriend spent the night (11 year old me came down to the family room in my pjs one morning to see a naked couple on the sofa bed) too.
Lots of late night partying and alcohol every night, strange men spending the night, I saw my first R rated move that weekend...
But what else could my parents do? They wanted to go to Belgium, and they "deserved it, damn it!"
You'd think they would have learned their lesson, but no. A few years later they went to Hawaii (yes, they "deserved it, damn it") and this time hired another compete stranger to watch their children while they were overseas. This time it was an older lady, that was completely against 14 year old me being out past 9 pm on a Friday night. Ok...but the problem was--I wasn't just out having fun with friends--this was for my school marching band/football game. The game went until 10 pm at night and then I had to change and get a ride home. My parents knew this was mandatory (marching band was counted in place of PE in my school--so it was an actual graded class and I would be marked down for not attending) but didn't communicate it with the babysitter--and the babysitter didn't care when I told her. When I returned home that night (directly from the game) she had dead bolted the door so I couldn't get in (yes, she was well aware I did not have a key to that lock!) She wanted me to face "consequences" for being out past the curfew she made up!
She was just a mean nasty abusive woman who screamed at my younger brother until he cried when he didn't eat his vegetables. It was really awful. But my parents wanted to go to Hawaii and they "deserved it, damn it!" so us kids just had to deal with it.
But yeah, of course they were allowed to go on vacation without us--those are the two big overseas trips they took without us--but there were many others that were shorter or over school breaks so they were able to send us to a family member's house instead of hiring random strangers. We never went on family vacations that were not tied to a work conference for my dad or a family wedding.
I get your life sucked and your parents suck but you are coming across entitled and bitter. Clearly you don’t have great parents. Frame it that way, over “my parents didn’t invite me in vacation”.
I’m a NP but this is a ridiculous response. “The PP didn’t frame it as she didn’t get invited on vacation,” - - it’s her parents! And she doesn’t come across as entitled. PP, just ignore this petty response.