My son dated a girl who always wanted to go out for expensive dinners that he paid for while they were in college. It bothered me, but it was his money from a summer job. I was dying to say something, but he figured it out. Now he dates a girl that has much more realism.

OP, I think you shouldn't put your daughter in the middle. You're payingrent so technically it's your place. I'd contact him directly and let him know that he needs to start paying you $XX per month if he is to continue living there.

if you stop paying the rent, I could see a situation where your daughter ends up getting a job - not to support herself, but to support her loser bf. And that's throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess, op, books before boys was how you raised your daughter? There’s a reason she’s putting up with this nonsense, are you sure she isn’t into drugs or bad stuff, or isn’t supporting someone who is? Why would she want to “help him” “buy his *own* place”, that’s the kind of nonsense you teach your kids about at hopefully a much earlier age. Why didn’t this happen?

You need to be concerned with your daughter and why this is attractive to her, as well as seeming like a good idea.

I hope too that you haven’t run off every boyfriend she’s had because “she’s too young” “she needs to get an education” “she’d better not even think of marriage and family yet”, you need to do a deep dive into why this guy is who she wants.

Since she’s an adult, you can’t stop her from dating him. You also can’t kick him out, not unless you own the property and are renting to her, and even then, she’s allowed legally to have overnight guests, you can’t show up at noon and say “time’s up, John”.
You really screwed up on this, op.
You also have no way to make him give you or your daughter money, not unless you own the property and add him to the lease. Be careful that you don’t come off as trying to extort him, I did get that vibe from you, and yes, I think this guy is bad news, people don’t just leave a place and not tell you why. He probably got evicted or his previous girlfriend kicked him out. Your daughter is feeding you a line about why he’s there. Does she really believe it?

I also wasn’t a fan of “my best friend says..” maybe your best friend is right, but you come off as an extortionist who needs to pay up if your best friend tells you something you don’t like, which may be why other more respectable guys have ran, I would have. I wouldn’t want to date someone only to have you wonder who I hugged last week because “my best friend saw you do it”, a best friend I probably don’t know, and who probably made hugging my mother sound sleazy.

How exactly do you expect your daughter to support herself if you just stop paying her expenses? That’s the school solution, pardon the word choice, but what exactly do you expect her to do? She’s probably set up her classes and study time counting on your support. Did you formalize this support? You aren’t serving your daughter well if you didn’t, something you should have thought about and something that you should take care of today if you truly want to do this right. Set up a trust, it doesn’t have to be a large trust, but a trust so that funds will be dispersed to her.

As of now, you sound like a controlling mom (or dad) who has driven the daughter into the arms of a looser.

You come across as insane. OP hasn't said anything that makes her sound like an extortionist.

+1
Totally insane, pp. Set up a trust is your advice?

Is she using birth control?

Oh heck no. Your kid is one thing. Her boyfriend is another.

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess, op, books before boys was how you raised your daughter? There’s a reason she’s putting up with this nonsense, are you sure she isn’t into drugs or bad stuff, or isn’t supporting someone who is? Why would she want to “help him” “buy his *own* place”, that’s the kind of nonsense you teach your kids about at hopefully a much earlier age. Why didn’t this happen?

You need to be concerned with your daughter and why this is attractive to her, as well as seeming like a good idea.

I hope too that you haven’t run off every boyfriend she’s had because “she’s too young” “she needs to get an education” “she’d better not even think of marriage and family yet”, you need to do a deep dive into why this guy is who she wants.

Since she’s an adult, you can’t stop her from dating him. You also can’t kick him out, not unless you own the property and are renting to her, and even then, she’s allowed legally to have overnight guests, you can’t show up at noon and say “time’s up, John”.
You really screwed up on this, op.
You also have no way to make him give you or your daughter money, not unless you own the property and add him to the lease. Be careful that you don’t come off as trying to extort him, I did get that vibe from you, and yes, I think this guy is bad news, people don’t just leave a place and not tell you why. He probably got evicted or his previous girlfriend kicked him out. Your daughter is feeding you a line about why he’s there. Does she really believe it?

I also wasn’t a fan of “my best friend says..” maybe your best friend is right, but you come off as an extortionist who needs to pay up if your best friend tells you something you don’t like, which may be why other more respectable guys have ran, I would have. I wouldn’t want to date someone only to have you wonder who I hugged last week because “my best friend saw you do it”, a best friend I probably don’t know, and who probably made hugging my mother sound sleazy.

How exactly do you expect your daughter to support herself if you just stop paying her expenses? That’s the school solution, pardon the word choice, but what exactly do you expect her to do? She’s probably set up her classes and study time counting on your support. Did you formalize this support? You aren’t serving your daughter well if you didn’t, something you should have thought about and something that you should take care of today if you truly want to do this right. Set up a trust, it doesn’t have to be a large trust, but a trust so that funds will be dispersed to her.

As of now, you sound like a controlling mom (or dad) who has driven the daughter into the arms of a looser.

You come across as insane. OP hasn't said anything that makes her sound like an extortionist.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK i am SHOCKED at the consensus of the replies b/c I strongly disagree. Her rent has not changed...if you were cool playing the rent for a 25 year old, you can't pull it back to 50% b/c she has a BF/Roommate.

Do you know that he's not contributing in other ways? Maybe he's covering all their "going out" expenses or something else, maybe she uses his car, who knows. It doesn't impact your bills, which you were comfortable with when she was single or casually dating. I see this as 100% you trying to control your 25 yr olds' dating life b/c you don't like the BF. They may wind up married, who can know, but making her DEPENDENT on the relationship by cutting the living expenses by 50% only makes them staying together more likely. If you want to keep this relationship strong, really think carefully about how much you meddle and what strings you add to financial support. I see you as wanting to control an outcome that has nothing to really do with you, which is manipulation.

I agree with the other posters that if you were seeing grocery stores on the credit card bill and the food costs have doubled, that is totally fair game to discuss with her.

Did you read the OP?

"Maybe he's covering all their "going out" expenses"--OP stated that the boyfriend "goes out" without the daughter.

"They may wind up married" --Lol, this guy is never going to marry OP's daughter.

Did you read OP? Everything you list is from the parent of the DD’s “best friend’s” daughter. OP does not have a great relationship with her DD and has no clue what is happening…but she knows her 25 year old daughter is unable to say no to a boy

Well, I don't see why the best friend would have any reason to lie to her parents. Obviously the friend is concerned enough to say something to her own parents--and the parents were concerned enough to say something OP.

So when you were 25 you talked to your parents about your “best friend’s” living situation and how she was being used by her boyfriend? Sure. That parent sticking her nose in where is does not belong all you have to know about this situation. What exactly is “concerning”? A 25 year old woman living with her boyfriend …lol.

More concerning is the believe that every women is a helpless womanchild being taken advantage of by some guy.

Well, if OP’s daughter is not helpless, then she will be happy to accept the responsibility of paying her own bills. Seems the most equitable and adult thing to do. Cohabitation is fine…just don’t expect mom or dad to pay for it.

Let me guess, op, books before boys was how you raised your daughter? There’s a reason she’s putting up with this nonsense, are you sure she isn’t into drugs or bad stuff, or isn’t supporting someone who is? Why would she want to “help him” “buy his *own* place”, that’s the kind of nonsense you teach your kids about at hopefully a much earlier age. Why didn’t this happen?

You need to be concerned with your daughter and why this is attractive to her, as well as seeming like a good idea.

I hope too that you haven’t run off every boyfriend she’s had because “she’s too young” “she needs to get an education” “she’d better not even think of marriage and family yet”, you need to do a deep dive into why this guy is who she wants.

Since she’s an adult, you can’t stop her from dating him. You also can’t kick him out, not unless you own the property and are renting to her, and even then, she’s allowed legally to have overnight guests, you can’t show up at noon and say “time’s up, John”.
You really screwed up on this, op.
You also have no way to make him give you or your daughter money, not unless you own the property and add him to the lease. Be careful that you don’t come off as trying to extort him, I did get that vibe from you, and yes, I think this guy is bad news, people don’t just leave a place and not tell you why. He probably got evicted or his previous girlfriend kicked him out. Your daughter is feeding you a line about why he’s there. Does she really believe it?

I also wasn’t a fan of “my best friend says..” maybe your best friend is right, but you come off as an extortionist who needs to pay up if your best friend tells you something you don’t like, which may be why other more respectable guys have ran, I would have. I wouldn’t want to date someone only to have you wonder who I hugged last week because “my best friend saw you do it”, a best friend I probably don’t know, and who probably made hugging my mother sound sleazy.

How exactly do you expect your daughter to support herself if you just stop paying her expenses? That’s the school solution, pardon the word choice, but what exactly do you expect her to do? She’s probably set up her classes and study time counting on your support. Did you formalize this support? You aren’t serving your daughter well if you didn’t, something you should have thought about and something that you should take care of today if you truly want to do this right. Set up a trust, it doesn’t have to be a large trust, but a trust so that funds will be dispersed to her.

As of now, you sound like a controlling mom (or dad) who has driven the daughter into the arms of a looser.

You and DH should make it a priority to visit your daughter at her apartment and meet this guy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK i am SHOCKED at the consensus of the replies b/c I strongly disagree. Her rent has not changed...if you were cool playing the rent for a 25 year old, you can't pull it back to 50% b/c she has a BF/Roommate.

Do you know that he's not contributing in other ways? Maybe he's covering all their "going out" expenses or something else, maybe she uses his car, who knows. It doesn't impact your bills, which you were comfortable with when she was single or casually dating. I see this as 100% you trying to control your 25 yr olds' dating life b/c you don't like the BF. They may wind up married, who can know, but making her DEPENDENT on the relationship by cutting the living expenses by 50% only makes them staying together more likely. If you want to keep this relationship strong, really think carefully about how much you meddle and what strings you add to financial support. I see you as wanting to control an outcome that has nothing to really do with you, which is manipulation.

I agree with the other posters that if you were seeing grocery stores on the credit card bill and the food costs have doubled, that is totally fair game to discuss with her.

Did you read the OP?

"Maybe he's covering all their "going out" expenses"--OP stated that the boyfriend "goes out" without the daughter.

"They may wind up married" --Lol, this guy is never going to marry OP's daughter.

Did you read OP? Everything you list is from the parent of the DD’s “best friend’s” daughter. OP does not have a great relationship with her DD and has no clue what is happening…but she knows her 25 year old daughter is unable to say no to a boy

Well, I don't see why the best friend would have any reason to lie to her parents. Obviously the friend is concerned enough to say something to her own parents--and the parents were concerned enough to say something OP.

So when you were 25 you talked to your parents about your “best friend’s” living situation and how she was being used by her boyfriend? Sure. That parent sticking her nose in where is does not belong all you have to know about this situation. What exactly is “concerning”? A 25 year old woman living with her boyfriend …lol.

More concerning is the believe that every women is a helpless womanchild being taken advantage of by some guy.

No I sure didn't! That's exactly the point. It's highly unusual for a friend to be that concerned that she would mention it her own parents, and that the parents would also see it as a big enough issue to mention it to OP.

Besides, when I was 25 I was already married with a child and owned a home. My parents weren't paying a dime for my living expenses.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK i am SHOCKED at the consensus of the replies b/c I strongly disagree. Her rent has not changed...if you were cool playing the rent for a 25 year old, you can't pull it back to 50% b/c she has a BF/Roommate.

Do you know that he's not contributing in other ways? Maybe he's covering all their "going out" expenses or something else, maybe she uses his car, who knows. It doesn't impact your bills, which you were comfortable with when she was single or casually dating. I see this as 100% you trying to control your 25 yr olds' dating life b/c you don't like the BF. They may wind up married, who can know, but making her DEPENDENT on the relationship by cutting the living expenses by 50% only makes them staying together more likely. If you want to keep this relationship strong, really think carefully about how much you meddle and what strings you add to financial support. I see you as wanting to control an outcome that has nothing to really do with you, which is manipulation.

I agree with the other posters that if you were seeing grocery stores on the credit card bill and the food costs have doubled, that is totally fair game to discuss with her.

Did you read the OP?

"Maybe he's covering all their "going out" expenses"--OP stated that the boyfriend "goes out" without the daughter.

"They may wind up married" --Lol, this guy is never going to marry OP's daughter.

Did you read OP? Everything you list is from the parent of the DD’s “best friend’s” daughter. OP does not have a great relationship with her DD and has no clue what is happening…but she knows her 25 year old daughter is unable to say no to a boy

Well, I don't see why the best friend would have any reason to lie to her parents. Obviously the friend is concerned enough to say something to her own parents--and the parents were concerned enough to say something OP.

So when you were 25 you talked to your parents about your “best friend’s” living situation and how she was being used by her boyfriend? Sure. That parent sticking her nose in where is does not belong all you have to know about this situation. What exactly is “concerning”? A 25 year old woman living with her boyfriend …lol.

More concerning is the believe that every women is a helpless womanchild being taken advantage of by some guy.

OP, I had a similar situation as your daughter. When I was 21 my parents paid for an apartment for me during my senior year of college and my BF moved in, but I was too ashamed to tell my parents he was living there. He went out regularly without me doing who knows what. We eloped at the end of my senior year and he continued to mooch off me for the next 10 years until we finally got a divorce, and now I pay him child support for the 20% custody that he gets with our one child. I was so young and so naïve. I don't know what my parents could have done differently other than they could have been wise counselors who I could come to with my troubles. I really needed help at that time, less with money than with making better life decisions. I needed to feel like I could trust them, especially as the marriage got worse, but I never could. The money stuff all worked itself out (I have a mid-six figures income now) but the other problems from that relationship and marriage caused me so much emotional turmoil that I'm still dealing with it to this day.

Sounds like it is time to stop paying your daughter's living expenses OP. Time for her to get a part time job. You could even go down to half living expenses first. Once the dude isn't getting his way paid, or she has to pay it, she will reevaluate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK i am SHOCKED at the consensus of the replies b/c I strongly disagree. Her rent has not changed...if you were cool playing the rent for a 25 year old, you can't pull it back to 50% b/c she has a BF/Roommate.

Do you know that he's not contributing in other ways? Maybe he's covering all their "going out" expenses or something else, maybe she uses his car, who knows. It doesn't impact your bills, which you were comfortable with when she was single or casually dating. I see this as 100% you trying to control your 25 yr olds' dating life b/c you don't like the BF. They may wind up married, who can know, but making her DEPENDENT on the relationship by cutting the living expenses by 50% only makes them staying together more likely. If you want to keep this relationship strong, really think carefully about how much you meddle and what strings you add to financial support. I see you as wanting to control an outcome that has nothing to really do with you, which is manipulation.

I agree with the other posters that if you were seeing grocery stores on the credit card bill and the food costs have doubled, that is totally fair game to discuss with her.

Did you read the OP?

"Maybe he's covering all their "going out" expenses"--OP stated that the boyfriend "goes out" without the daughter.

"They may wind up married" --Lol, this guy is never going to marry OP's daughter.

Did you read OP? Everything you list is from the parent of the DD’s “best friend’s” daughter. OP does not have a great relationship with her DD and has no clue what is happening…but she knows her 25 year old daughter is unable to say no to a boy

Well, I don't see why the best friend would have any reason to lie to her parents. Obviously the friend is concerned enough to say something to her own parents--and the parents were concerned enough to say something OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK i am SHOCKED at the consensus of the replies b/c I strongly disagree. Her rent has not changed...if you were cool playing the rent for a 25 year old, you can't pull it back to 50% b/c she has a BF/Roommate.

Do you know that he's not contributing in other ways? Maybe he's covering all their "going out" expenses or something else, maybe she uses his car, who knows. It doesn't impact your bills, which you were comfortable with when she was single or casually dating. I see this as 100% you trying to control your 25 yr olds' dating life b/c you don't like the BF. They may wind up married, who can know, but making her DEPENDENT on the relationship by cutting the living expenses by 50% only makes them staying together more likely. If you want to keep this relationship strong, really think carefully about how much you meddle and what strings you add to financial support. I see you as wanting to control an outcome that has nothing to really do with you, which is manipulation.

I agree with the other posters that if you were seeing grocery stores on the credit card bill and the food costs have doubled, that is totally fair game to discuss with her.

Did you read the OP?

"Maybe he's covering all their "going out" expenses"--OP stated that the boyfriend "goes out" without the daughter.

"They may wind up married" --Lol, this guy is never going to marry OP's daughter.

Did you read OP? Everything you list is from the parent of the DD’s “best friend’s” daughter. OP does not have a great relationship with her DD and has no clue what is happening…but she knows her 25 year old daughter is unable to say no to a boy