We were married overseas (his home country) 17 years ago and he sent me the divorce documents from that country which don't even mention our two children

OP this is pretty big. Divorce documents from another country hold no standing in the US. Why would he take this step unless there's further plans involving that country? Man I would be moving fast to prevent my kids from leaving the US, in any capacity.

Anonymous wrote:Forgot to add, those kids' passports go in a safe deposit box yesterday. When he realizes you won't be intimidated and this is going to cost him he'll get mad. Just be prepared for that.

NP. This.

OP, you mentioned in an earlier response that he insisted recently on visiting the kids when you didn't expect/want him to, and that you have some concern he could take them to his home country without your permission. I would give that more priority than I think you're giving it here -- you're focused (understandably so!) on child support and the ins and outs of what to do legally re: CS, but you've only mentioned in passing the possibility of his simply taking the kids overseas and doing a parental kidnapping. There are old threads on DCUM with advice for parents who are in the situation of fearing the ex might take the kids to a home country and never bring them back. Search some of those old threads or better yet, get your lawyer to find out ASAP what steps you need to take to ensure your kids can't be removed from the US just on his say-so. Securing their passports is job one, like the PP notes.

It's possible that formalizing CS and visitation against his will is going to make him angry. I'd be concerned that if you move forward legally for forma CS, he might decide it's easier just to take the kids on a "trip" to his home country. I know he has ties here in the US but this would still eat at me. I am NOT saying to drop the formal, legal proceedings -- he should have to pay CS and it should be legally arranged! But I'd simultaneously take whatever steps you must to prevent his taking the kids.

Op needs to file for child support and give a copy of the bills so he can pay as he said. Problem solved.

Forgot to add, those kids' passports go in a safe deposit box yesterday. When he realizes you won't be intimidated and this is going to cost him he'll get mad. Just be prepared for that.

Long story short, my ex is on the opposite coast and we divorced last year. We were married overseas (his home country) 17 years ago and he sent me the divorce documents from that country which don't even mention our two children.

I almost stopped reading right here. Your STBX sending divorce documents from a country you (and your children!) don't live in, and presumedly don't have citizenship in, is insane.

In the meantime, I have given him numerous warnings that I am petitioning for court orders here- most importantly to establish custody of our children, and monthly child support payments, obligations re: life insurance, etc, are included. He has until Friday to respond before my lawyer files in the state I live in. I have offered him a reduction in CS and basically he can see the kids whenever he wants. His response has been mainly "why do we have to get courts and lawyers involved," and an offer to split the bills with me if I send him receipts for the extracurriculars and private school.

You're doing it right. Of course he doesn't want to follow established rules of US divorce and custody proceedings. Why do you have to get courts involved? Because he's unwilling to do what's right. Also lol at "I'll split the bills if you'll send receipts". Because everyone wants to be audited by their ex for life. Gtfo.

How do I even respond to this?

You don't.

Part of me feels like I should just let the lawyer file and deal with it that way

Correct.

but it would really be cheaper for all involved and easier if he'd agree to my reasonable terms now

Unlikely to happen, see above move on his part to serve you with divorce papers from another country.

I think he may think a lawyer can get him out of paying monthly CS at all?

He wouldn't be the first man to think this.

Look some people have to be shown the light. This is what you're paying your atty for. Just let him/her do their job. Sorry you're going through this, chin up & keep moving forward.

That’s not unreasonable to ask to see the bills. You say yes and send them. Kurt may not order private school. Stop paying games and file for child support.

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, my ex is on the opposite coast and we divorced last year. We were married overseas (his home country) 17 years ago and he sent me the divorce documents from that country which don't even mention our two children. In the meantime, I have given him numerous warnings that I am petitioning for court orders here- most importantly to establish custody of our children, and monthly child support payments, obligations re: life insurance, etc, are included. He has until Friday to respond before my lawyer files in the state I live in. I have offered him a reduction in CS and basically he can see the kids whenever he wants. His response has been mainly "why do we have to get courts and lawyers involved," and an offer to split the bills with me if I send him receipts for the extracurriculars and private school. How do I even respond to this? Part of me feels like I should just let the lawyer file and deal with it that way, but it would really be cheaper for all involved and easier if he'd agree to my reasonable terms now... I think he may think a lawyer can get him out of paying monthly CS at all?

Tell him he’s right and then mediate. Tell him you’ll get the documents ready and mediator. Have your lawyer draft them and review them. Fill in mediator on the international and bicoastal aspect of things plus custody discussed, you have full custody and he can see kids whenever he likes. He must seek approval for taking them out if the country, given HIS multi citizenship.

And as you both already know, you file for divorce where you and the kids live. Not where you got married 17 years ago for the state he moved solo during separation or before.

Anonymous wrote:Also, if he had a “home country” I might worry about his taking the kids out of there without permission.

Seriously.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you people get away with 300 ish a month in CS?

I'm paying 2500. 2 kids, and I make 140 ish, she makes 60 or so. And she gets use and posession of the house for 3 years.

My ex makes 180k. I made 103k at the time of divorce. My ex is an attorney who made me go back to work before agreeing to amicably divorce. He would have burned through money and I would have gotten less than I did in the divorce if I insisted on divorce during the 18 months I was not working.

50/50 custody. He got the house. I agreed to let him take it. I could have tried to keep it with family help but it was not worth a nasty postdivorce situation. The child support would be $300 if we went though the court. We did not. I am glad we did not because he is contributing to more than that now and otherwise, he would only give me $300 because that is the kind of person he is...he wants control. Next year I will make what he makes and then I would get $0 anyway so not worth putting a formal CS court order in force at this point.

No one can make you go back to work. You choose to. You could have said no. Why did op not get it last year at the time of the divorce.

If you can't be bothered to read the facts and then ask questions that are irrelevant because they can't affect the current status anyway, why bother to post? Seriously, just shut up. I'm so tired of people like you posting on DCUM. Answer the questions that are asked and stick to things that are relevant.

I read the facts. Op should have refused or done child support at the time of the divorce. She may not be eligible.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you people get away with 300 ish a month in CS?

I'm paying 2500. 2 kids, and I make 140 ish, she makes 60 or so. And she gets use and posession of the house for 3 years.

My ex makes 180k. I made 103k at the time of divorce. My ex is an attorney who made me go back to work before agreeing to amicably divorce. He would have burned through money and I would have gotten less than I did in the divorce if I insisted on divorce during the 18 months I was not working.

50/50 custody. He got the house. I agreed to let him take it. I could have tried to keep it with family help but it was not worth a nasty postdivorce situation. The child support would be $300 if we went though the court. We did not. I am glad we did not because he is contributing to more than that now and otherwise, he would only give me $300 because that is the kind of person he is...he wants control. Next year I will make what he makes and then I would get $0 anyway so not worth putting a formal CS court order in force at this point.

No one can make you go back to work. You choose to. You could have said no. Why did op not get it last year at the time of the divorce.

If you can't be bothered to read the facts and then ask questions that are irrelevant because they can't affect the current status anyway, why bother to post? Seriously, just shut up. I'm so tired of people like you posting on DCUM. Answer the questions that are asked and stick to things that are relevant.

OP, did you file? What was your DH’s reaction?

At the time of divorce child support is decided. This makes no sense.

child support is a right of the child. but i have learned the hard way that, if you have a really really next-level difficult ex (prone to abusive and financially-draining litigation etc.) and a stable job where you can survive without the money, it can be easier to agree to minimal child support and just let him pay for the extras (limited activities, clothes, toys) that he voluntarily wants to

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you people get away with 300 ish a month in CS?

I'm paying 2500. 2 kids, and I make 140 ish, she makes 60 or so. And she gets use and posession of the house for 3 years.

Are you fifty fifty?

Nah she gets about 2/3.

NP and the thing is it really depends on the facts and circumstances of the case. For example, maybe the kids in the 300 per month scenario do not have daycare expenses and the parent making the $300 payments carries the health insurance in which case they get a credit against their monthly obligation for the cost of the insurance.

Both of those are true in my case. Thanks

PP here and also remember that different states have different guidelines schedules and you don't know which state any particular poster is in. Another factor that might play in is the amount of nights required for the shared custody calculation vs. the sole custody calculation which also varies by state. For example, maybe you get them Monday and Tuesday but that only counts as one night so you would only have 52 nights a year which could result the application of the sole custody formula.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you people get away with 300 ish a month in CS?

I'm paying 2500. 2 kids, and I make 140 ish, she makes 60 or so. And she gets use and posession of the house for 3 years.

My ex makes 180k. I made 103k at the time of divorce. My ex is an attorney who made me go back to work before agreeing to amicably divorce. He would have burned through money and I would have gotten less than I did in the divorce if I insisted on divorce during the 18 months I was not working.

50/50 custody. He got the house. I agreed to let him take it. I could have tried to keep it with family help but it was not worth a nasty postdivorce situation. The child support would be $300 if we went though the court. We did not. I am glad we did not because he is contributing to more than that now and otherwise, he would only give me $300 because that is the kind of person he is...he wants control. Next year I will make what he makes and then I would get $0 anyway so not worth putting a formal CS court order in force at this point.

No one can make you go back to work. You choose to. You could have said no. Why did op not get it last year at the time of the divorce.