Not your ex. He is an ex for a reason.

Decide if you can be a stepmom with #2. If no, then it is time to find option #3.

Anonymous wrote:I would dump them both. Move on front he ex and since your refereed to the current BF’s daughter as a “negative” go ahead and do him a favor and let him go too. You would be well served to be alone for a while.

Please disregard this OP. As many of us have said being a stepparent is a negative.

I would dump them both. Move on front he ex and since your refereed to the current BF’s daughter as a “negative” go ahead and do him a favor and let him go too. You would be well served to be alone for a while.

Pick the nice guy. As long as you’re committed to being a good partner to him and a good stepmom to his kid. And talk w him about how you’ll co parent and how you’ll deal w his daughters mom and other issues like that so you’re both clear what it’ll be like going in but also spend more time w him and his kid first. 1 year is not long enough to get married especially if there are kids involved.

Don’t get back w your ex unless you enjoy the drama of a tumultuous relationship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just because you say, "no" to one, doesn't mean you have to marry the other

"Wants to marry me" is a big red flag --- you are being passive. Very passive. Like, "this is happening to me" ... rather than YOU being empowered. In your own life. How about you stay away from #1 and not marry #2. And keep your eyes open for a better, yet unknown, #3.

This.

OP, you don't love #2 enough to marry him. Let him go find someone who loves him. If he's so nice, don't waste his time. And don't go back to the hot mess.

Just move on and find someone else.

I don’t think it’s fair to compare three years to a new relationship with only a year under your belt.

Nice somewhat boring guys create stable, drama free relationships—the kind that last. Not saying Lon is the right guy for you, but Noah certainly is not.

Anonymous wrote:Just because you say, "no" to one, doesn't mean you have to marry the other

"Wants to marry me" is a big red flag --- you are being passive. Very passive. Like, "this is happening to me" ... rather than YOU being empowered. In your own life. How about you stay away from #1 and not marry #2. And keep your eyes open for a better, yet unknown, #3.

This.

OP, you don't love #2 enough to marry him. Let him go find someone who loves him. If he's so nice, don't waste his time. And don't go back to the hot mess.

Just move on and find someone else.

Anonymous wrote:If you had to go so far as to block your ex, there’s trouble all over that.

Disagree. As a means to move on I’ve always blocked my exes. You don’t need to see their social media and you don’t need to see any breadcrumb messages until you’ve completely healed.

Anonymous wrote:Just because you say, "no" to one, doesn't mean you have to marry the other

"Wants to marry me" is a big red flag --- you are being passive. Very passive. Like, "this is happening to me" ... rather than YOU being empowered. In your own life. How about you stay away from #1 and not marry #2. And keep your eyes open for a better, yet unknown, #3.

This. Also, if you don't want to be a stepmom, please don't be one. His kid doesn't need a dad's wife who isn't interested in being a good stepmom. My ex's wife makes it very clear she isn't interested in his kids and doesn't have their best interests at heart. It is so hard to watch another adult human hurt my children.

If you had to go so far as to block your ex, there’s trouble all over that.

Anonymous wrote:Neither. Too many red flags with the ex and your current deserves better.

I agree.

Just because you say, "no" to one, doesn't mean you have to marry the other

"Wants to marry me" is a big red flag --- you are being passive. Very passive. Like, "this is happening to me" ... rather than YOU being empowered. In your own life. How about you stay away from #1 and not marry #2. And keep your eyes open for a better, yet unknown, #3.

I would not discount the potential issues being a stepmom and also dealing with someone’s ex. You are presenting guy number two as the stable option, but generally speaking, there are lots of complications when you’re dealing with someone who is divorced with kids. Lots of things that people don’t realize until they are already in the marriage. Also, it sounds like he is 10 or so years older than you, which can present its own set of problems.

I’ll make it brief. I went with Noah when I had a Lon. Not a day has gone by for 17 years that I haven’t regretted it. It’s been truly awful at times. Definitely pick the nice guy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did you and ex fight about?

Over nothing really. If he was upset he wouldn’t know how to communicate that and instead he would be dismissive and escalate the issue. I wouldn’t engage at that point because he was too hot headed. Then he’d act like nothing happened and try to sweep it under the rug. I told him he needed therapy.

NP. "Over nothing really" smacks of "It wasn't a big deal, maybe it was only about his communication style, he wants to work on things now, so...."

Am I right, OP? Is that where your head is going when you answer "What did you fight about?" with "Nothing really"?

Because fighting over "nothing" in many ways is worse than fighting over specific things. Can you see why? If his communication skills and his respect for you as a person were both SO poor that tiny things turned into fights, then imagine how badly he will cope if there are actual, real disagreements in life together.

Yes, he says he wants to work on things now. He even did it in a real letter (how romantic, right?). But why would you risk repeating the mistake, the stress, the uncertainty of being with him? The fact he's packaging getting couples therapy with marrying you is very telling, OP. Can you step aside from the romantic fog and see why? If he cared about his communication problems with you, with women, with the world in general, he would already have worked on that and gotten his own therapy; instead he's promising you he will change, not showing you that he has changed, and he's dangling marriage in front of you. Your romantic heart sees it as He's saying I'm The One and we'll fight for our love, when the bald truth seems to be, he wants you back and knows that pushing your He'll change for ME button will achieve that. He may not be intentionally seeing it that way; I'm not saying he's that manipulative; BUT it's the outcome anyway.

You are wearing rose-colored glasses here, OP. Big time. I am not saying the ex is bad or a terrible person etc. I'm saying YOU are not learning from experience and are, despite having left him over fighting before, now trying to gloss over that experience. Any time that contact from an ex "brings up old feelings," people need to be extra wary, especially if the past together involved fighting, and especially if there are promises to change. If you're not sure about the other man, it's better to date no one for a while than to run back to an ex who is making promises -- even if he feels he's making them sincerely -- he may or may not be able to keep.

One last thing about those rose-colored glasses. You mention that you were (are?) "crazy about" the ex and the current SO, to whom you have expressed commitment and exclusivity, right? is sometimes dull. Please don't fall for the old tropes of "You must feel butterflies; you have to be head over heels in love; you deserve magic" attitude. Those things are lovely. They do happen. They also can leave women dissatisfied and forever hunting for butterflies, which don't live very long in nature or in romance.

Bringing the SO's child into the post seemed odd but then I realized: The existence of his child gives you an easy out for saying "I love you but don't want an instant family, sorry," so you can, in your head, blame the end of that relationship on the fact he has a child. You may thing you'd never do that, you may say that's not why you mentioned her, but if not...why let his child enter into your decision-making here? You're unconsciously setting things up so you can use her as an excuse to find fault with an otherwise mature relationship.

Please stop, back off make no choices (and don't see your ex or communicate with him, you need to think!) and talk to a counselor or therapist on your own, just for you, before you dump someone who doesn't deserve it, in favor of someone else whom you already realized you couldn't be with.