Anonymous
03/02/2022 17:05
Subject: Supported DH for 10 years and want to become a SAHM now
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:She has waited a long time to have kids so really wants to be a relaxed hands on mom instead of having to unload them on hired help.
Many of us have worked while parenting and have not ever felt that we "unload" our children onto "hired help."
I don’t think it’s a feeling. It’s an action.
Anonymous
03/02/2022 16:33
Subject: Supported DH for 10 years and want to become a SAHM now
Anonymous wrote:She has waited a long time to have kids so really wants to be a relaxed hands on mom instead of having to unload them on hired help.
Many of us have worked while parenting and have not ever felt that we "unload" our children onto "hired help."
Anonymous
03/02/2022 16:30
Subject: Supported DH for 10 years and want to become a SAHM now
Anonymous wrote:They are good people with a really strong bond so even if things ever go wrong, I can’t imaging them not being fair to each other. SIL is in finance but just not the type to put a price on any relation so post-nup wouldn’t be acceptable for her pride.
She has made some really good investments so she’ll never have to depend on anyone even if she never goes back to paid work. She isn’t a big spender anyways, really nerdy and minimalist type.
Your entire family is excessively enmeshed.
Anonymous
03/02/2022 16:26
Subject: Supported DH for 10 years and want to become a SAHM now
What strikes me odd is that her parents have a say in this. My husband and I make the decision in our homes, not our parents. We may ask for advice from time to time on certain things, but we make the decisions in our home. If your SIL and her husband are both on the same page with her being a SAHM, then she should go for it. It’s not up to anyone but her and her husband. They need to figure out together what will work best for them without outside input.
My situation is a little different because my husband was long out of school and out earns me, but I wanted to work PT when I had my first. We talked about it and came up with a schedule that would work best for us. My MIL watched our son on the days I worked. She never once had an opinion about what we should do other than telling me she thought it was great that I had so much time with my son. She was jealous of women who could do it both because she never had that opportunity as a SAHM. Even if she may have had her opinion, she never voiced it, because that decision was between my husband and me.
My situation is a little different because my husband was long out of school and out earns me, but I wanted to work PT when I had my first. We talked about it and came up with a schedule that would work best for us. My MIL watched our son on the days I worked. She never once had an opinion about what we should do other than telling me she thought it was great that I had so much time with my son. She was jealous of women who could do it both because she never had that opportunity as a SAHM. Even if she may have had her opinion, she never voiced it, because that decision was between my husband and me.
Anonymous
03/02/2022 16:20
Subject: Re:Supported DH for 10 years and want to become a SAHM now
Anonymous wrote:I posted before that my sister and brother in law are physicians and reading these responses I don’t think many people responding have a lot of experience with close family members in this field. It really is kind of a different arena. I’m not saying it’s right, or how it should be, and my sister and brother in law have an infant and are managing two residency’s while doing it, BUT there is kind of an equalizing factor there in that they both are in residency so one can’t really take on more than the other, realistically grandparents are helping a lot during this time because the control they have over their schedules is almost nil. Anyway this is all to say, I could totally understand why if one is a physician and the other not, why it would be incredibly difficult to be the one managing a career while still having to pick up more. It’s not like normal jobs or like he can just “set boundaries” - if he’s the surgeon on call and an emergency comes in he has to go in. If his last case/surgery of the day lasts longer than expected because there is a complication (they find more tumor than expected after opening, etc etc), he can’t just say “I have daycare pickup and have to scrub out.” It just isn’t how it works. Should we be changing how the system works for drs? After watching my family members I would be in full support. But that’s not likely to happen soon.
How, specifically, would you change the bolded?
Anonymous
03/02/2022 16:18
Subject: Supported DH for 10 years and want to become a SAHM now
Anonymous wrote:My DH says she’ll make things work to find her balance and her husband will find a better balance once he starts the new job. He thinks, it’s just fear and stress talking because they are settling in a new house in a new city, having their first baby and starting new jobs (well mostly BIL but she is using a local office campus as her base).
His recommendation to his parents is to quietly support them so they can figure it out themselves. They’ve been an amazing team since they were 20 years old so hopefully they will.
My recommendation to his parents it to zip it. Their opinions about whats fair or not don't matter - at all - in this situation.
Anonymous
03/02/2022 16:16
Subject: Supported DH for 10 years and want to become a SAHM now
Anonymous wrote:She has waited a long time to have kids so really wants to be a relaxed hands on mom instead of having to unload them on hired help.
hahahahaha
Boy, is she in for a rude awakening.
Anonymous
03/02/2022 16:07
Subject: Re:Supported DH for 10 years and want to become a SAHM now
Ughh…I sympathize with your SIL. The hardest part of deciding to be a SAHM was telling my mom.
Anonymous
03/02/2022 16:04
Subject: Supported DH for 10 years and want to become a SAHM now
Anonymous wrote:They are good people with a really strong bond so even if things ever go wrong, I can’t imaging them not being fair to each other. SIL is in finance but just not the type to put a price on any relation so post-nup wouldn’t be acceptable for her pride.
She has made some really good investments so she’ll never have to depend on anyone even if she never goes back to paid work. She isn’t a big spender anyways, really nerdy and minimalist type.
Why do you know this much about you SIL’s financial and emotional life…?
Anonymous
03/02/2022 16:01
Subject: Supported DH for 10 years and want to become a SAHM now
I would tell her this is between her and her DH. Your “advice” means nothing as you aren’t part of that marriage. Let them work it out among themselves
Anonymous
03/02/2022 15:44
Subject: Supported DH for 10 years and want to become a SAHM now
Anonymous wrote:She has worked hard for 10 years, no harm in taking some time off to enjoy motherhood, if and when she feels like going back, she’ll find something good with her resume. If she is happy and has some low stress years, it’s worth it. He’ll eventually gain bit more control over his schedule to relieve her.
Its overwhelming to have to make so many transitions while pregnant. He probably knows and treasures the value of her partner but you can’t blame your ILs for their concern.
I did this - including supporting my husband through grad school and providing nearly all the savings for the down payment on our house. I was ready to take a step back and enjoy the baby/little kid years. Went back to work when my youngest was 3 and have been back in the workforce for 7 years. It can be done.
Anonymous
03/02/2022 15:27
Subject: Supported DH for 10 years and want to become a SAHM now
My xaccountant MIL actually did mention a pre-nup but SIL refused. I think that’s the reason they haven’t mentioned a post-nup even though it makes sense.
Anonymous
03/02/2022 15:23
Subject: Supported DH for 10 years and want to become a SAHM now
Good for her! If she wants to be a SAH, why shouldn't she?
Anonymous
03/02/2022 15:22
Subject: Supported DH for 10 years and want to become a SAHM now
Don’t quit your job without a post nup
Anonymous
03/02/2022 15:21
Subject: Supported DH for 10 years and want to become a SAHM now
They are good people with a really strong bond so even if things ever go wrong, I can’t imaging them not being fair to each other. SIL is in finance but just not the type to put a price on any relation so post-nup wouldn’t be acceptable for her pride.
She has made some really good investments so she’ll never have to depend on anyone even if she never goes back to paid work. She isn’t a big spender anyways, really nerdy and minimalist type.
She has made some really good investments so she’ll never have to depend on anyone even if she never goes back to paid work. She isn’t a big spender anyways, really nerdy and minimalist type.