Anonymous wrote:I’m just trying to figure out a proper expectation vs reality when parents/ILs live far away. I’m having a really hard time with this and need a different perspective.

I’ll try to be concise giving all the facts!

ILs are retired and have decided it’s finally time to move back to the San Diego area (where they were from before they moved and had children.)

We have a 12yo and a 9yo.

...
If you’ve BTDT, please tell me how it works for your family.

OP in laws have not lived in the San Diego area for decades. 40 years? Do they have relatives there who are also elderly? Since they have been gone they had the OP DH and that person became the OP's DH and now there are grandchildren.

Assume all are now in the DMV along with OP's parents. In our experience and current experience of some relatives there is a different frequency of seeing grandparents jumping from a 1.5 hour drive or less to a 4-6 hour one way. The 12 and 9 year old will be increasingly inflexible with activities, sports, academics, independent of family scheduling. The GP also will remove themselves from participating in the lives of your family and the children-viewing sports, concerts, shows, etc.

In laws seem to want assurances prior to actually buying real estate in San Diego on holidays and frequent cross country trips for your family. A move to Florida even for part of the year cuts the GP time.

Anonymous wrote:How much planning does your husband do? I found that if I nodded and made non-committal noises and said, “Sure, just let me know when you want to see your mom so I can take time off work,” he never got around to it - and she was within driving distance. I was absolutely miserable turning myself inside out to arrange visit after visit. Once I stopped helping, it was much better.

This. If your husband is going to bend to whatever his parents want or expect then make it clear the planning is on him. And you’ll join when you can.

How much planning does your husband do? I found that if I nodded and made non-committal noises and said, “Sure, just let me know when you want to see your mom so I can take time off work,” he never got around to it - and she was within driving distance. I was absolutely miserable turning myself inside out to arrange visit after visit. Once I stopped helping, it was much better.

Anonymous wrote:My parents live in Seattle and we usually go once a year and they come once a year. That’s not too much to ask of either party assuming finances are set and there’s a decent level of understanding between both parties.

It’s significantly more challenging/and expensive for a family of four including two working parents with limited vacation time and kids bound by school schedules to travel than it is for 2 retired people who can travel at their leisure and take advantage of off peak fares. Assuming grandparents are in good health and have the financial means it seems logical that they should be doing the majority of the visits.