OP - not sure that your mom left it in a way that requires you to have 2 gatherings. Sounds like she is choosing to not attend the first and if you want to have her over after, that is up to you.

Anonymous wrote:OP here again, well my mom made the decision for me. I invited to the main gathering and she asked if my dad would be there and told me to uninvite him or she won’t be coming. I guess I’ll be having two separate gatherings this year.

Sorry OP. My mom has pulled this too. Her loss.

OP here again, well my mom made the decision for me. I invited to the main gathering and she asked if my dad would be there and told me to uninvite him or she won’t be coming. I guess I’ll be having two separate gatherings this year.

Anonymous wrote:This is going to be 18+ years of drama. I’d face it head on and tell her (and everyone else) you would love to have here there, but if there’s any drama you will just have to start rotating kid celebrations/events.

The adults in your life need to grow up or deal with the consequences.

+1 let BOTH of you parents no if they can’t get along either nobody will be invited or you rotate years. It’s not fair to cut your mom out unless she is initiating the fights.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is going to be 18+ years of drama. I’d face it head on and tell her (and everyone else) you would love to have here there, but if there’s any drama you will just have to start rotating kid celebrations/events.

The adults in your life need to grow up or deal with the consequences.

I agree, but it's been like this for as long as I can remember. Sadly, my mom is the main aggressor that's why I wanted to do something separate with her.

The stakes are really low here. I'd give her a chance ot behave, and if she doesn't, you draw firm boundaries going forward. "Mom, sorry, you can't come to the 2nd birthday party because of what happened at the first."

Wtf is a “bonus mom”?

You either don't invite either parent or you invite both. You sound like a jerk.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh! What is with calling the stepmom a bonus mom? Ridiculous. You can't stand your own mother then why go around calling someone else a bonus mom when she has not birthed you?

Yeah, I’m a stepmom and I would feel so awful for my SD’s mom is she called me “bonus mom”. Especially if my DH had cheated on her mom and broken her heart. I can’t think of anything worse than my husband betraying my trust and live and then all of a sudden my child embracing a “bonus mom” who she enjoys more than my heartbroken self.

I think it’s truly cruel to call someone a “bonus mom” when your actual mom is still around and is heartbroken about the fracturing of your family. By making things more positive toward your stepmom, you are making it worse at the expense of your mom.

OP here, my cheated but it wasn’t with my stepmom (is that better?). They met a few years after my parent’s divorce. She was there for me at a time when my mom couldn’t be emotionally. So I don’t call her my bonus mom to hurt my mom, I call her that because she is like a second mom. Her words to me were, “the only steps in this house are the ones you walk on.” I don’t understand why you’re so bothered by the term.

I’m bothered because you have absolutely no empathy for your mom. How would you feel in two year if you found out today that your husband had been cheating on you through your whole pregnancy and your child’s first year? And if you split now, two years from now he is happily with another woman who teaches your toddler to call her “Mama”? You’d be okay with that, and happy for your child to have a bonus mom?

chill out. You don’t know anything about the situation. For all we know op’s mom was the one who cheated or was abusive and impossible to live with. Sounds like op knows what she’s doing and has good reason for her choices. Trust her and stop making up stories about strangers.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh! What is with calling the stepmom a bonus mom? Ridiculous. You can't stand your own mother then why go around calling someone else a bonus mom when she has not birthed you?

Yeah, I’m a stepmom and I would feel so awful for my SD’s mom is she called me “bonus mom”. Especially if my DH had cheated on her mom and broken her heart. I can’t think of anything worse than my husband betraying my trust and live and then all of a sudden my child embracing a “bonus mom” who she enjoys more than my heartbroken self.

I think it’s truly cruel to call someone a “bonus mom” when your actual mom is still around and is heartbroken about the fracturing of your family. By making things more positive toward your stepmom, you are making it worse at the expense of your mom.

OP here, my cheated but it wasn’t with my stepmom (is that better?). They met a few years after my parent’s divorce. She was there for me at a time when my mom couldn’t be emotionally. So I don’t call her my bonus mom to hurt my mom, I call her that because she is like a second mom. Her words to me were, “the only steps in this house are the ones you walk on.” I don’t understand why you’re so bothered by the term.

I’m bothered because you have absolutely no empathy for your mom. How would you feel in two year if you found out today that your husband had been cheating on you through your whole pregnancy and your child’s first year? And if you split now, two years from now he is happily with another woman who teaches your toddler to call her “Mama”? You’d be okay with that, and happy for your child to have a bonus mom?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh! What is with calling the stepmom a bonus mom? Ridiculous. You can't stand your own mother then why go around calling someone else a bonus mom when she has not birthed you?

Yeah, I’m a stepmom and I would feel so awful for my SD’s mom is she called me “bonus mom”. Especially if my DH had cheated on her mom and broken her heart. I can’t think of anything worse than my husband betraying my trust and live and then all of a sudden my child embracing a “bonus mom” who she enjoys more than my heartbroken self.

I think it’s truly cruel to call someone a “bonus mom” when your actual mom is still around and is heartbroken about the fracturing of your family. By making things more positive toward your stepmom, you are making it worse at the expense of your mom.

No. OP is allowed to have a good relationship with her step mom and consider her a second mother without feeling guilty.

She is allowed to use a term like “bonus mom”, of course. People are allowed to be jerks. And she had to live with the consequences, which is that her mother is even more hurt, defensive, and angry.

When you know someone is emotionally fragile, the decent behavior is to proceed with even more care and kindness. OP’s response seems to be, “Your heartbreak is a drag. Nobody likes you and neither do I. I’m going to replace you, give someone else your title, and then expect you to pretend that none of this is hurtful!”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Small events = separate
Big events = together, with warning

If you want to enjoy your child's first birthday with wonderful memories, do it separately.

There is NO WAY that the anger and tension between two people will make for a fun gathering. It will be felt by all even if they outwardly behave. Including your child who will pick up on that tension.

If it is a bigger event with more people, then include both but make it clear that any badmouthing or hostility will be grounds for banishment.

Yes this. As a child in similar circumstance, but more complicated since both parents have been remarried more than once (I have a couple sets of ex- bonus parents), it is extremely uncomfortable for me to have all of them together if it is just them and us. Very tense and awkward. Forced conversation and niceties. I want to enjoy holidays and the firsts (birthdays, Christmas, etc) of my children. So I celebrate separately- rotating mostly instead of trying to celebrate 3+ times for every occasion. Adults have consequences for their divorces and this is one of them

Remarriage does add complications. While I am civil to my DH's ex when at large gatherings and we can exchange a few pleasantries, it will never go beyond chilly formality.

I met DH years after they divorced and was appalled by her treatment of him. Unfortunately her antics continued until just a few years ago which had direct impact on DH/me and our household. Sorry, but someone can't verbally abuse my spouse and purposely put my household at risk legally and financially and think I'm going to roll over and be pals with them at family events.

To avoid any conflict my DH and I have always been willing to be second choice for event planning. We never see the adult children/grandkids on holidays. It's always before or after. It's worked for us. We'd rather have that than sit in the same room with his ex and her AP partner (now husband) who is relishing his role as "grandpop."

Now, if I am ever in a room alone with her...

That's an entirely different post.

i think the adults just need to learn how to behave. it is ridiculous to have to hold extra events for the rest of the kid's life because people can't behave theemselves.

Anonymous wrote:Small events = separate
Big events = together, with warning

If you want to enjoy your child's first birthday with wonderful memories, do it separately.

There is NO WAY that the anger and tension between two people will make for a fun gathering. It will be felt by all even if they outwardly behave. Including your child who will pick up on that tension.

If it is a bigger event with more people, then include both but make it clear that any badmouthing or hostility will be grounds for banishment.

Yes this. As a child in similar circumstance, but more complicated since both parents have been remarried more than once (I have a couple sets of ex- bonus parents), it is extremely uncomfortable for me to have all of them together if it is just them and us. Very tense and awkward. Forced conversation and niceties. I want to enjoy holidays and the firsts (birthdays, Christmas, etc) of my children. So I celebrate separately- rotating mostly instead of trying to celebrate 3+ times for every occasion. Adults have consequences for their divorces and this is one of them

Small events = separate
Big events = together, with warning

If you want to enjoy your child's first birthday with wonderful memories, do it separately.

There is NO WAY that the anger and tension between two people will make for a fun gathering. It will be felt by all even if they outwardly behave. Including your child who will pick up on that tension.

If it is a bigger event with more people, then include both but make it clear that any badmouthing or hostility will be grounds for banishment.

I'd leave her out and do the separate dinner. She chose this outcome by her behavior.