My best friend's Indian MIL is such a big part of her life. She is retired now and a never ending source of good food, trusted babysitting, pretty dresses, caregiving in sickness, school pick up/drop, a listening ear if anything is wrong and more for my friend, her husband and their children. Her husband is an only child but she had many siblings and workaholic parents, never had this kind of love and attention as she did in last five years.

Anonymous wrote:When did you start trying to be a good MIL? When they get engaged, got married or earlier once you felt they are in a serious relationship? I don't care to get involved unless there is a ring but my sister who is a beloved MIL to three DILs says it starts from first meeting, its too late if its already official. How did you handle this difficult mission, " How not to be a bad MIL?". Our Indian community is filled with difficult MILs and new generation of MILs need to end this tradition.

I think you should start here and rethink the idea all together. You aren't getting involved in something rather your son is. You are not an extension of your son. The only time I could see needing to become involved is if you truly believe she became abusive and your son was unable to get away.

Treat any girlfriend or friend that he brings over as you would want to be treated. With kindness and respect. No need to go over board or find out every single detail of her life from the get go.

If you are in the US, realize that Americans don't put the same emphasis or concern on things such as where a girlfriend's family is from, if the girlfriend brings the right gift over, or if she can clean or cook (read these boards - Americans are big into outsourcing this stuff so it's not considered impressive). Sure these kind of things might get gossiped about but no one talks about these as bringing shame to a family for example.

Believe and accept that your son might be a jerk sometimes and might be wrong.

If you are nice to her in her young age, she'll be nice to you in your old age.

DIL is young and naive and mot sure about her position in your son's family, you are old, experienced and already comfortable in your family. Its only common sense for you to make her transition easier. If she is sincere, she would be very interested in making it work but be forgiving of her missteps and mistakes until she finds her footing and learns you mean well, even if your ways are different. She'll be able to voice her dislike instead of resenting you.

People are people, some are easy, others are complicated. Just do your best, there is no such thing as in-law therapy.

I’m curious about the DIL that starts herself out on the wrong foot. The expectation is for the MIL to be gracious and kind in all circumstances giving chance after chance for DIL but that same kindness is not exerted to a MIL. DIL can continue to be terrible and then hold the keys to seeing the son/daughter and their children while posting how terrible the MIl is and was mean to her 20 years ago. 🙄

Again, it's the MIL fault. Son should have postponed the conversation when GF wasn't around, no? And also not told her what was discussed if it would hurt her feelings?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you treat the girlfriend badly, don’t expect that she will ever let you close when she becomes the wife. My MIL was quite nasty to me pretty much the whole time we dated, in part because she had a hard time with her only child being in a serious relationship and in part because I am not what she imagined in her family (culture/ethnicity/religion). Her reaction to our engagement was a long sigh and then silence.

When we got married, she magically flipped a switch and was all “I love you! You’re like a daughter to me!” Uh, no thanks, lady. I had 5+ years of seeing your real feelings towards me. I will always be civil and welcoming when you visit, but anything resembling closeness or love is off the table permanently.

I had the same experience. My MIL called my now DH after she meet me and said she didn’t think I was right for him and essentially, he could do better. I was at his apartment with him when she called and talked with him. It was a LONG phone call. This was after Christmas, I had bought them a lovely gift from their home state, apparently they didn’t expect me to give them something so MIL found a glass vase she had and gave that to me. My DH told me about the phone conversation since I had been there and it took a long time. We spent a few weeks apart and ended up getting back together. During that time she never called me, she didn’t even have my number. The day after we got engaged she sent me a text congratulating me and how excited she was to have me in the family. I’m cordial with her, but I can’t help to wonder what she really thinks of me.

This seems kindof crappy on your part too. It's ok for her to initially feel like you weren't the right one initially. You have no idea what your DH was saying about you to her without you around. It's ok for her not to call you while you were dating. After the engagement she reached out and instead of giving her a chance to do right by you, you rebuffed her. Where is your culpability in this?

It's always on the MIL to follow all these imaginary rules and boundaries and social requirements but the DIL gets away with being any way they want without consequence. Call/don't call, invite/don't invite, be helpful/helping too much.... It's like MIL can't slip up in the least. I expect an adult to have several serious relationships in their lifetime. You can't possibly invest in each one like they will be your future DIL/SIL.

You can’t take back some words and actions. MIL should have been more discreet.

Anonymous wrote:When did you start trying to be a good MIL? When they get engaged, got married or earlier once you felt they are in a serious relationship? I don't care to get involved unless there is a ring but my sister who is a beloved MIL to three DILs says it starts from first meeting, its too late if its already official. How did you handle this difficult mission, " How not to be a bad MIL?". Our Indian community is filled with difficult MILs and new generation of MILs need to end this tradition.

Day 1. If she is making an effort and you are in their half heartedly, thinking she isn't what you dreamt of or its too early for your little boy to commit yet, its going to break her young heart and she'll not feel comfortable around you. You've been in her shoes, just ask your younger self to tell you what to do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since you mentioned your culture, I will say this as the best friend of someone that married an Indian man and really dislikes her MIL: if your son marries someone that is not Indian, you really need to minimize your "involvement" in all the things you've listed. Make sure your future daughter in law doesn't feel like your culture is the only important one (particularly in any details related to the wedding). I know this is very hard to accept, but it will set things off for a much more productive relationship.

Its their marriage not mine. I would like it if they honor both cultures and religions in some way but its their decision, whatever makes it a happy day for them.

This^. If you can manage to keep her wedding about her and not about yourself and your extended family, you are already on a smooth road.

The main thing is to have a healthy relationship with your son. If you have a good relationship with your son, where you can discuss and resolve conflicts directly, that’s 90% there.

Then, you just need to complete the picture by being respectful and supportive of your DIL.

If you start from that foundation, you’ll either stay there (which is great!) or grow a loving, familial relationship over time.

Anonymous wrote:When did you start trying to be a good MIL? When they get engaged, got married or earlier once you felt they are in a serious relationship? I don't care to get involved unless there is a ring but my sister who is a beloved MIL to three DILs says it starts from first meeting, its too late if its already official. How did you handle this difficult mission, " How not to be a bad MIL?". Our Indian community is filled with difficult MILs and new generation of MILs need to end this tradition.

I think half of the problems originate from the wedding itself. One day clouds one life time for several people.

+1
Every relationship is a two way road and we should give each other benefit of doubt before writing each other off. If it doesn't work out, at least you have a clean conscious.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you treat the girlfriend badly, don’t expect that she will ever let you close when she becomes the wife. My MIL was quite nasty to me pretty much the whole time we dated, in part because she had a hard time with her only child being in a serious relationship and in part because I am not what she imagined in her family (culture/ethnicity/religion). Her reaction to our engagement was a long sigh and then silence.

When we got married, she magically flipped a switch and was all “I love you! You’re like a daughter to me!” Uh, no thanks, lady. I had 5+ years of seeing your real feelings towards me. I will always be civil and welcoming when you visit, but anything resembling closeness or love is off the table permanently.

I had the same experience. My MIL called my now DH after she meet me and said she didn’t think I was right for him and essentially, he could do better. I was at his apartment with him when she called and talked with him. It was a LONG phone call. This was after Christmas, I had bought them a lovely gift from their home state, apparently they didn’t expect me to give them something so MIL found a glass vase she had and gave that to me. My DH told me about the phone conversation since I had been there and it took a long time. We spent a few weeks apart and ended up getting back together. During that time she never called me, she didn’t even have my number. The day after we got engaged she sent me a text congratulating me and how excited she was to have me in the family. I’m cordial with her, but I can’t help to wonder what she really thinks of me.

This seems kindof crappy on your part too. It's ok for her to initially feel like you weren't the right one initially. You have no idea what your DH was saying about you to her without you around. It's ok for her not to call you while you were dating. After the engagement she reached out and instead of giving her a chance to do right by you, you rebuffed her. Where is your culpability in this?

It's always on the MIL to follow all these imaginary rules and boundaries and social requirements but the DIL gets away with being any way they want without consequence. Call/don't call, invite/don't invite, be helpful/helping too much.... It's like MIL can't slip up in the least. I expect an adult to have several serious relationships in their lifetime. You can't possibly invest in each one like they will be your future DIL/SIL.

Anonymous wrote:Since you mentioned your culture, I will say this as the best friend of someone that married an Indian man and really dislikes her MIL: if your son marries someone that is not Indian, you really need to minimize your "involvement" in all the things you've listed. Make sure your future daughter in law doesn't feel like your culture is the only important one (particularly in any details related to the wedding). I know this is very hard to accept, but it will set things off for a much more productive relationship.

Its their marriage not mine. I would like it if they honor both cultures and religions in some way but its their decision, whatever makes it a happy day for them.