My 20s were amazing, my 30s were great but it all started turning to sh** at 40. It’s now plainly evident that my life, including my marriage, will never be what I dreamed it would. I’m too bogged down with my daily life, kids, their activities and work to have any energy to make my life better. I frequently think of all the things I would do differently if I had a do-over.

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Men from about 40-55 are damaged, mortality-facing assholes. Around 55 they come to their senses (or their dicks stop working) and they are happy to be in a committed relationship.

45-49 was rough for my husband (and hence for me!!). Close to our 20 years together. 50 is great. He is very happy and we are closer than ever now. But those were a rough few years. We have been together since 1996.

I wouldn’t say I’m unhappy, but there’s definitely been a low-level sense of discontent or ennui for the last couple of years (I’m 46). I have everything that younger me wanted, and now there’s a sense of “what’s next?”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t talk or reason to someone in a midlife crisis. It’s like they have had an alien take over their body. It’s so weird and a helpless feeling to watch. For us, I don’t think we would have the very happy marriage and intimacy we now have if it didn’t play out. Now he’s been there done that. The grass wasn’t greener, it was scorched and brown. It put how wonderful he had it into perspective and forced him to confront self-sabotaging behavior.

I (woman) am in the throes of a midlife crisis. Currently seeing a therapist and couples therapist. It doesn’t feel like an alien… it feels more like being fed up with all the shit I put up with for years and I want to burn it all down…

What have you put up with? Like unequal work in the house?

I am PP… I know I’ll be judged here but it’s not super dramatic, not dealing with addiction or mental illness. Kind of just deep resentment of DH from things that never got set right earlier in the marriage, carrying the emotional labor load in our family this whole time, then traumas and things I’m grieving personally over the past couple years (in addition to pandemic stress). I’m burnt out and no one can help me and DH doesn’t have the emotional capacity to support me and I’m just putting myself for the first time… perhaps it looks like I’m an alien but this is what it feels like to me on the inside.

Anonymous wrote:Not unhappy, not happy, but our DD is a teen and worry we are guiding her right. Marriage seems in a good place, just wish I could quit a job that wears me out (DH is a GS14 so I’m breadwinner). Had kids late so have another decade till close to empty nest

My DH is a GS 15 and he’s the breadwinner.

U-Shaped Curve of Happiness - it's a thing that happens to a lot of folks.
Social scientists study this sort of thing. Getting older, stresses of older kids, taking care of parents at the end of their lives and career stagnation all play a role in many folks becoming quite unhappy in their late 40s. On average, it gets better after 50.

Of course, we all know that DCUM is not "average". Plenty of folks here enjoy good health, comfortable finances, easy kids and parents who age/die easily.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t talk or reason to someone in a midlife crisis. It’s like they have had an alien take over their body. It’s so weird and a helpless feeling to watch. For us, I don’t think we would have the very happy marriage and intimacy we now have if it didn’t play out. Now he’s been there done that. The grass wasn’t greener, it was scorched and brown. It put how wonderful he had it into perspective and forced him to confront self-sabotaging behavior.

I (woman) am in the throes of a midlife crisis. Currently seeing a therapist and couples therapist. It doesn’t feel like an alien… it feels more like being fed up with all the shit I put up with for years and I want to burn it all down…

What have you put up with? Like unequal work in the house?

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Men from about 40-55 are damaged, mortality-facing assholes. Around 55 they come to their senses (or their dicks stop working) and they are happy to be in a committed relationship.

Yes ...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. I'm 48, female, and my 40s have been glorious. It's not your age, OP.

That’s a sweeping statement based on exactly one data point—you. Quite inaccurate and arrogant given the studies on this, which show that the happiness curve is lowest in our forties. Of course, it’s a CURVE, so some people have to be on both ends of it, but perhaps you ought not make overgeneralized statements, period, but especially when the easily-google-able science clearly contradicts your statement.

I love how folks on DCUM are experts on everything, yet too lazy to google. Fascinating bunch.

Literally the next paragraph DCUM always delivers.

Anonymous wrote:It’s disturbing to watch 40-50 year old people acting like 16-year olds and only thinking of themselves when they have kids and a spouse. Some learned this from their shitty selfish parents.

What does that have to do with OP’s question?

Anonymous wrote:No. I'm 48, female, and my 40s have been glorious. It's not your age, OP.

That’s a sweeping statement based on exactly one data point—you. Quite inaccurate and arrogant given the studies on this, which show that the happiness curve is lowest in our forties. Of course, it’s a CURVE, so some people have to be on both ends of it, but perhaps you ought not make overgeneralized statements, period, but especially when the easily-google-able science clearly contradicts your statement.

I love how folks on DCUM are experts on everything, yet too lazy to google. Fascinating bunch.

Anonymous wrote:You can’t talk or reason to someone in a midlife crisis. It’s like they have had an alien take over their body. It’s so weird and a helpless feeling to watch. For us, I don’t think we would have the very happy marriage and intimacy we now have if it didn’t play out. Now he’s been there done that. The grass wasn’t greener, it was scorched and brown. It put how wonderful he had it into perspective and forced him to confront self-sabotaging behavior.

I (woman) am in the throes of a midlife crisis. Currently seeing a therapist and couples therapist. It doesn’t feel like an alien… it feels more like being fed up with all the shit I put up with for years and I want to burn it all down…

Anonymous wrote:I think for some people that met their spouses in their 20s, married and eject much of their 30s having kids, get bogged down with work/childcare and stress will sometimes have a “is this all there is”, they have zero ability to self-actualize it’s a blip in time over the course of life/long marriage. If they didn’t have good role models it’s an even more dangerous time.

Sure, it’s a tricky time. I got married at 30 and didn’t miss out on anything before. Still feel like the responsibilities are heavy right now as a working parent with young kids. The pandemic has not helped at all. The usual outlets that I would have aren’t there and the realization that the world is going to take some time to bounce back is heavy some days. In some ways, the past two years have been a pressure cooker.

The 50s are fantastic.

The 40s are spent fearing turning 50.

I think for some people that met their spouses in their 20s, married and eject much of their 30s having kids, get bogged down with work/childcare and stress will sometimes have a “is this all there is”, they have zero ability to self-actualize it’s a blip in time over the course of life/long marriage. If they didn’t have good role models it’s an even more dangerous time.