Anonymous wrote:If you were really into this guy (and you should know by 3 months if you're into him) then the first, flirty request wouldn't have repulsed you into demanding an explanation of where he gets off dictating your clothing, and what about in 10 years when you have a bad hair day, and why should imaginary future you have to dress for him?

He was testing the waters to see if you guys could have phone sex or something. You were outraged, which means that you have no intention of having any kind of sex with him. The follow-on conversation was extremely weird *from both directions*, but the underlying lesson is that you don't want to date this guy. So don't.

You’re speaking pretty hyperbolically- no where did OP say she was repulsed or outraged. In fact, she said she even did put on something sexy. His approach wasn’t flirty at all. It was demanding, which for someone he hasn’t slept with yet is over the top. He could’ve easily said, “you know I haven’t seen you in a while…it would be nice ti see you on FaceTime wearing something sexy”. No, instead he went straight for “I request” oh and if in the future you don’t do it I’ll be upset. At worst he isn’t smooth, awkward, and is sensitive.

Anonymous wrote:Ewww. Just no.

He would have logged in to the sight of my middle finger.

+1
Yup.

Anonymous wrote:This is the problem with guys - their indoctrination into dating is with young women who love sex and love doing fun/sexy things for their partner. Guys have a problem “reading the room” or maturing out of that mindset. The number of post motherhood, or even 30’s+ women who would be into that are very few.

You'd be surprised.

If you were really into this guy (and you should know by 3 months if you're into him) then the first, flirty request wouldn't have repulsed you into demanding an explanation of where he gets off dictating your clothing, and what about in 10 years when you have a bad hair day, and why should imaginary future you have to dress for him?

He was testing the waters to see if you guys could have phone sex or something. You were outraged, which means that you have no intention of having any kind of sex with him. The follow-on conversation was extremely weird *from both directions*, but the underlying lesson is that you don't want to date this guy. So don't.

Oh, gross. The initial request is perfectly fine. Just sounds flirty. But his explanation about what you will or won’t do for him is a HUGE red flag. Run!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s trying to keep you off balance by making these requests and then putting you down when you won’t do it - it’s a pattern -he’s a narcissist you need to move on.

This. So many red flags. Run. Listen to your gut.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t your guy. If he were, you’d appear on the call in a lacy negligee/cute bra and panty combo/whatever you think is sexy.

But you think his request was weird and made you feel “off”. Don’t overthink it - he’s not the guy for you.

Disagree. Saying “I request” comes off controlling, not sexy, plus they haven’t even slept together. This would put me off too.

Which means…he wouldn’t be for you either.

We have no idea what his tone/whatever was - what we DO know is that OP was put off. She doesn’t need to figure out why, and is this really a red flag, is he controlling, or whatever. NONE of that matters. They aren’t compatible.

OP, when I’m questioning a situation like this, I ask myself what would I do if the roles were reversed. Or, how would I want someone to treat my daughter if she were in this situation. Would I want someone to pressure her into doing something she didn’t feel comfortable with, and be displeased if they said they would expect her to do things they wanted but she’s uncomfortable with (aka doesn’t feel like it) once in a LTR? Of course not. That same level of love and concern we show for our loved ones we should also accord to ourselves. You are spot on to be asking questions here to try to protect yourself. And frankly, as a man in your life, he should be considerate and protective of you, not aggressive and possessive. Hard pass on this one.

This is the problem with guys - their indoctrination into dating is with young women who love sex and love doing fun/sexy things for their partner. Guys have a problem “reading the room” or maturing out of that mindset. The number of post motherhood, or even 30’s+ women who would be into that are very few.

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is a GIANT SURE RED FLAG that he is an abusive ahole or anything. But I do think its a very large signal that you are sexually incompatible and you should break up now. You are not into the same freaky stuff he is into, no judgement, just facts. You'll both be happier apart.

Agree. My now husband of 25 years would say kinky things when we were first dating—like “don’t wear any panties under your skirt”. I’m still laughing about the cone over “only wearing lingerie under trench coat”. I think I changed right before he got to his condo door because I didn’t want to drive like that in case of an accident . We were like rabbits. I was 26 when we first started dating and I was a virgin until I was 20 . He’s the only guy I ever let take a nudie photo.

Today it was all about my hot pink yoga pants. He still makes “requests” 25 years later. I have to really trust and feel comfortable to be that free. Spouse was the only one I ever was that wild with. He’s very high drive.

I just think you two are just not compatible. He might be making “the request” in a jokey, sexy way.

Anonymous wrote:He’s trying to keep you off balance by making these requests and then putting you down when you won’t do it - it’s a pattern -he’s a narcissist you need to move on.

This. So many red flags. Run. Listen to your gut.

How about no one is a red flag? Just move on

Anonymous wrote:He should dump you. You are oversensitive. He has stuck around for 2.5 months without sex, probably a decent guy.

Ladies, this man is also a walking red flag.

He should dump you. You are oversensitive. He has stuck around for 2.5 months without sex, probably a decent guy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the risk of alienating the people who tell couples to communicate, this guy communicated too much of the wrong stuff. Get out!

PP here, he might be bad at saying "I wish we were more intimate cause I like you a lot" and that message came out weirdly garbled. Not saying he's a total freak, but he's at least got communication problems.

Then how do you explain him saying if his partner doesn’t feel well and declines his request of putting on something sexy he’ll feel slighted and question things? That doesn’t seem like someone who word vomited. He seemed pretty clear and direct.

+1 he definitely explained what he was feeling and why.

He didn't say 'doesn't feel well'. He said 'doesn't feel like it'. Those aren't the same things. He said if his partner refuses a small request like putting on sexy clothes for sexy time, and the reason was 'doesn't feel like it' or 'doesn't think they look good that day' he'd feel slighted. Because 'i don't feel WELL' would be a different issue; there wouldn't be any sexy times. Putting on sexy clothes is a small ask of a partner who is willing to wear them, and he'd feel slighted. Then he tried to be jokey about what ELSE wouldn't you do and all the pearl clutchers went crazy.

Seems he is saying how he feels and what he wants is more important than what his partner feels or wants. And this is about her body and what she feels comfortable doing (whether she feels ill or just not in the mood or whatever). Red flag.