I threatened divorce in this situation. With hard work we fixed our marriage.

OP here again. These responses are interesting and somewhat reflect how I feel.

I want to give him grace because we are human and will mess up sometimes.

I want to wring his neck because this happens semi-regularly. He gets in work mode and forgets everything else. Yes, he has diagnosed ADHD and he is medicated, hence my attempts at putting systems in place for success (calendar reminders, email reminders, texts, calls, ughhh).

I was the kid whose parents were always late to pick me up after school, so his forgetfulness in this situation really really bothers me. I hate memories of being the one left behind.

Anonymous wrote:The problem for me is that there were two calendar reminders, a verbal reminder the night before and several unanswered text reminders in the hours leading up to him "forgetting". That's simply ignoring your responsibility not forgetting.

If the OP has to set two calendar reminders and send multiple texts just for a kid pickup there are larger problems in the marriage. I can’t imagine having a need to do any of that. It’s called adulting and it seems as though her husband may be incapable of it.

I’d be long long run before I could talk to him angry.

I'd be really angry. However, unless there are other problems in the relationship, I'd find a way to channel my anger that helped me deal with . Like I'd treat myself to a day off of work sometime in the next month and a massage or expensive hair cut for myself (before, obviously, wrapping up in time to pick up my child on time since obviously my spouse isn't doing it). I find being very, very kind to myself is a productive way to get over it when my spouse does something extremely boneheaded and burdensome to me.

And then I'd sit down with my spouse and tell him we need a plan that ensures pickup always happens on time, and that does not depend on him doing it. Because he's proven that won't work. That might mean he always does drop off so you can go to work a little earlier, in order to leave early enough for pick up every day. Or, if that doesn't work for your work schedule, it might mean hiring a sitter for the days where you can't do it. But he needs to be involved in creating and executing that plan because he is also a parent and if he can't handle pickup he needs to work with you on figuring out how it happens.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not trust him to take the kids anywhere in the summer. You hear about young children dying in cars due to absent minded fathers leaving them in hot cars.

OP here, thankfully child is old enough to get out of a car. But the first few years, I was a nervous wreck every time thry were in the car on a hot day without me.

And it’s funny that you correctly assumed spouse is a “he.” Of course he’s a he.

Why do you say "of course?"

DCUM rule - all men are stupid, lazy, and irresponsible.

Hit a nerve?

Not all men, PP. But if you tell me a story like OP did, with a parent “forgetting” to pick up their own child from child care, despite clearly needing multiple reminders, the safe bet is that the dysfunctional parent is a male.

I’m a woman and if I heard this story, I would assume the forgetful parent is one who does pickup less often (or on an irregular schedule), and therefore is more likely to forget an occasional, rather than regular, duty. This usually correlates with gender also, but that is due to a host of other issues, including that women are often paid less and therefore choose jobs that allow for pickups so the more highly paid spouse can work. The occasional vs regular duty also contributes heavily to the problem of kids in hot cars.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:10+

But he will never change because you ultimately came to the rescue. He should’ve face the consequences and embarrassment of picking up late.

No doubt the aftercare will impose a hefty fine for late pickup. But even if he pays it, ultimately it is family money that was wasted.

Yes but there is something about facing overworked daycare workers that would put a little bit of shame into him. It would cement in the necessity of either communicating with you about a change of pick up or becoming responsible and picking up himself.

There is something to be said about public embarrassment.

Agree heartily. Though I’d feel like a complete ass asking them to stay a minute longer for him to get there.

So I’m still not clear on this part - was he apologetic about it, or did he think “I was in a meeting” meant he somehow didn’t have to do the pickup?

8 out of 10 for forgetting to do the pickup. A gazillion out of 10 for the “I was in a meeting” excuse.

I would seriously go out of town for a week and let him be in charge of everything the whole time.

All you need to ask him is if he ever does this at the office. Make someone else do his work at the last minute.

No reason he should treat his family that badly when he treats his current job differently.

If he can manage his time, do his own work, not dump on others at work, and say Please/Thank you/ Sorry I’ll do better at his office job, he should do triple that for his own damn kids and wife.

It’s truly that simple.

I’d be angry, level 8.

I’d be angry for a few legitimate reasons:
1) he didn’t do something he agreed to do and it was important
2) he had reminders, his phone, etc so had plenty of time and resources to make Plan B himself
3) he directly elevated his work and meeting above the other spouses. Only a few rare instances would this be reasonable
4) he was not apologetic to the child or other spouse who had to drop everything and do his job. Nor was he thankful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the end result? This would determine my anger level.

End result: I had to cancel a meeting, sprint over to aftercare (because spouse had the car) and pick up the child. I was 2 minutes late. And strapping on a mask after sprinting is dizzying.

The excuse: “I was in a meeting.”

That's pretty bad. I have an elementary aged kid. Some days she is scheduled to be bus and other days pick up. If I want to change her status for the day, I need to call the school. There was a day when I planned to pick her up and didn't tell the school. So I was on an important meeting in my car ignoring texts from the school, her other parent was getting calls, kid was crying because they put her on the bus even though she knew I said I was coming to pick her up. It was an s-show. My co-parent did not come save me. I had to sort it all out myself and I haven't messed up pick up since then.

So, long way of saying, next time: "Reminder, you are picking up today. I'll be in an important meeting and have my phone off."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not trust him to take the kids anywhere in the summer. You hear about young children dying in cars due to absent minded fathers leaving them in hot cars.

OP here, thankfully child is old enough to get out of a car. But the first few years, I was a nervous wreck every time thry were in the car on a hot day without me.

And it’s funny that you correctly assumed spouse is a “he.” Of course he’s a he.

Why do you say "of course?"

DCUM rule - all men are stupid, lazy, and irresponsible.

Hit a nerve?

Not all men, PP. But if you tell me a story like OP did, with a parent “forgetting” to pick up their own child from child care, despite clearly needing multiple reminders, the safe bet is that the dysfunctional parent is a male.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:10+

But he will never change because you ultimately came to the rescue. He should’ve face the consequences and embarrassment of picking up late.

No doubt the aftercare will impose a hefty fine for late pickup. But even if he pays it, ultimately it is family money that was wasted.

Yes but there is something about facing overworked daycare workers that would put a little bit of shame into him. It would cement in the necessity of either communicating with you about a change of pick up or becoming responsible and picking up himself.

There is something to be said about public embarrassment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not trust him to take the kids anywhere in the summer. You hear about young children dying in cars due to absent minded fathers leaving them in hot cars.

OP here, thankfully child is old enough to get out of a car. But the first few years, I was a nervous wreck every time thry were in the car on a hot day without me.

And it’s funny that you correctly assumed spouse is a “he.” Of course he’s a he.

Why do you say "of course?"

DCUM rule - all men are stupid, lazy, and irresponsible.