Anonymous wrote:I spent many years considering myself the victim in a similar family dynamic. Then over time I started doing some soul searching, and realized there were ways I had also contributed to problems and brought drama into the family. I’ve since focused on my behavior and what I contribute to a situation. Word of caution: what prompted me to take a close look at myself was realizing my mom always put herself in the victim role, yet she often instigated issues.

I’ve also noticed this about therapists: they are giving you advice based on your filtered/biased view. If you are pushing issues onto your brother and want to hash things out to death, he is naturally going to recoil.

+1.
can't you keep the conversations light, and treat it as a cordial relationship, instead of going deep into issues? and limit time spent to an hour, to limit chance of conflict?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men don’t understand talk. They only understand consequences.

The more you try to explain yourself to him, the more it empowers him.

When he says sh!tty things, hang up the phone or leave. “I don’t like being spoken to that way so I’m hanging up. Bye”. Click. Don’t listen to objections or explain further, ignore any calls or texts afterwards. Repeat x1000 until he gets it.

In my family this would be taking the bait and adding to drama. It's easier to stay calm and just say..."Oh there's the door. Gotta go!"

NP here. I think that explaining why you are hanging up is more open and honest. Saying that there is someone at the door is evasive and, frankly, on the sneaky side.

I’d rather be told why someone is hanging up on me than have them just hang up for a dishonest reason. I have seen people in my family try to “teach” others how to “behave” using this technique and it just comes across as manipulative and, again, dishonest. I tend to think less of the person employing this technique.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want your parents to pick a side. Your side. And they won't because you are both equally at fault. They aren't even on his side. You sound very immature. Grow up.

I am honestly trying to take in the constructive criticism and learn, but I don't understand what you mean by "Grow up".

I am trying to be mature. My brother chooses to make hurtful comments, accuse me of being wrong in a million different ways, and no amount of conversation with him will change this. I can't keep putting up with being treated so badly. I thought the emotionally mature thing to do would be to disengage.

I told my parents that I am willing to come to family events and be polite, but I just cannot keep trying to have a close relationship with him. They are insisting that we make up, and are faulting me for the whole situation.

He is completely fine continuing the relationship as it is (he insults me, I have to just deal with it), and also blames me for not wanting to play ball.

What exactly are my right next steps here?

Disengaging is fine, and a mature way to handle it. But you didn't stop there. You told your parents, which *obviously* will cause a further issue. And now you have a separate issue with them, and with him. That it the literal opposite if disengaging. And also the opposite of mature - you, as a grown woman, running to your parents, and then getting all twisted up over their reaction.

Now that you've created a separate issue, you have to deal with it. If you are intent on placating your parents, deal with your brother for 6 more months, and then quietly start to disengage again.

Or, tell your brother once more that he needs to stop insulting and criticizing you. He's entitled to his opinions about you, but he isn't entitled to harangue you with them. When he (inevitably) does, just tell him yo're hanging up, and do it. Don't fall into a discussion about your bad habits, just hang up. Do this as often as necessary. Either he'll get it, or he won't, and your interaction will taper off to an acceptable level.

Anonymous wrote:OP what are you arguing about? I can’t think of anything where I need my sibling to believe I’m right. There are only a few things we need to collaborate on and that requires cooperation, not believing I am “right” about anything. I don’t understand what you’re arguing about as adult siblings.

Not the OP but read the thread, it's all explained.

OP, who has your parents designated as the executor of their estate? Who will have medical power of attorney if they are unable to make decisions later in life (e.g., dementia)? I sure hope they have thought about this and make their wishes known, because if you and your brother aren't on speaking terms it will become a huge debacle.

Ask me how I know!

OP what are you arguing about? I can’t think of anything where I need my sibling to believe I’m right. There are only a few things we need to collaborate on and that requires cooperation, not believing I am “right” about anything. I don’t understand what you’re arguing about as adult siblings.

Anonymous wrote:Men don’t understand talk. They only understand consequences.

The more you try to explain yourself to him, the more it empowers him.

When he says sh!tty things, hang up the phone or leave. “I don’t like being spoken to that way so I’m hanging up. Bye”. Click. Don’t listen to objections or explain further, ignore any calls or texts afterwards. Repeat x1000 until he gets it.

In my family this would be taking the bait and adding to drama. It's easier to stay calm and just say..."Oh there's the door. Gotta go!"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want your parents to pick a side. Your side. And they won't because you are both equally at fault. They aren't even on his side. You sound very immature. Grow up.

I am honestly trying to take in the constructive criticism and learn, but I don't understand what you mean by "Grow up".

I am trying to be mature. My brother chooses to make hurtful comments, accuse me of being wrong in a million different ways, and no amount of conversation with him will change this. I can't keep putting up with being treated so badly. I thought the emotionally mature thing to do would be to disengage.

I told my parents that I am willing to come to family events and be polite, but I just cannot keep trying to have a close relationship with him. They are insisting that we make up, and are faulting me for the whole situation.

He is completely fine continuing the relationship as it is (he insults me, I have to just deal with it), and also blames me for not wanting to play ball.

What exactly are my right next steps here?

Your whole family is bananas and you should take some space from them. Sounds like you have been the scapegoat your whole life. Just drop the rope. Don’t tell them you are, just stop interacting with them so much. Believe me, you will be much happier.