Anonymous
Post 01/18/2022 17:15     Subject: We are always the ones who spend money traveling to see in laws
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If I am an able bodied grandma you bet I'm going to travel to see my family as often as they will allow me, instead of expecting them to pack everyone up and spend the money to come see me.

If a grandparent is disabled in some way that's different. Also if the grandparent is poor, the kids should offer to help pay.

But no, with women working and limited vacation, I don't expect my children to pack up and visit me all the time. What about their other inlaws? Plus maybe the'd like to take a real vacation sometime.


Can you please be my MIL? Mine cannot, even 16 years later, understand that we are restricted by vacation time, among other things, but the key being vacation time. My husband, her son, gets 12 days off a year. It’s been that way for a long time. If he does not spend all 12 visiting his family, the drama that ensues is out of control. Nor does she accept that maybe I don’t want to use every one of my vacation days to cover the various school days off to accommodate her selfish desire to have all my husband’s vacation to herself. As if we could never want to take a family vacation of our own or maybe even see my parents once in a while either.


Yep. A lot of grandparents come in here and get testy and entitled. How about you just let your kids do what they want and no guilt trips... that's the thing for me.. the drama and guilt trips. My DH feels bad and brings it up. It's sort of fake to me because if they care they would come visit us or be more involved.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2022 16:54     Subject: We are always the ones who spend money traveling to see in laws
Anonymous wrote:If I am an able bodied grandma you bet I'm going to travel to see my family as often as they will allow me, instead of expecting them to pack everyone up and spend the money to come see me.

If a grandparent is disabled in some way that's different. Also if the grandparent is poor, the kids should offer to help pay.

But no, with women working and limited vacation, I don't expect my children to pack up and visit me all the time. What about their other inlaws? Plus maybe the'd like to take a real vacation sometime.


Can you please be my MIL? Mine cannot, even 16 years later, understand that we are restricted by vacation time, among other things, but the key being vacation time. My husband, her son, gets 12 days off a year. It’s been that way for a long time. If he does not spend all 12 visiting his family, the drama that ensues is out of control. Nor does she accept that maybe I don’t want to use every one of my vacation days to cover the various school days off to accommodate her selfish desire to have all my husband’s vacation to herself. As if we could never want to take a family vacation of our own or maybe even see my parents once in a while either.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2022 15:21     Subject: We are always the ones who spend money traveling to see in laws
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't believe this totally lopsided, DH never got a dime, woe is me story. Sorry. Another troll.


DH has a different mom and grew up LMC. Siblings grew up entirely different situation. His dad never even divorced the mom until he remarried so he wouldn’t be on the line for child support. Siblings grew up UC in multi million dollar mansion and prep school. He grew up in dicey rentals in another state but got a full ride to college and took out a loan for incidentals. His dad is loving but he certainly got the short end of the stick.

You should have said this at the beginning. It’s clear why you’re getting different treatment. It won’t change. The question is whether your husband will.

So the dad married a woman with money and she doesn’t want to spend the money ?”(gifts, travel, college, etc) on your DH because he is a stepson?
If that’s the case, then that explains things. If your husband wants to maintain relationship with his dad maybe he can travel solo to them (at least sometimes) or his dad could come visit you all. But ultimately, it’s about your husband and what he wants and what agreement you can come to together. You can’t cut off visits without his consent- or at least, you cannot cut off his visits (or the kids, if he chooses to take them).


No FIL has always been wealthy. SMIL was a secretary when they met who had no money. That's not the case at all. He's always been wealthy and when he was married to MIL they were rich as well but when they divorced she was cut off.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2022 14:52     Subject: We are always the ones who spend money traveling to see in laws
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't believe this totally lopsided, DH never got a dime, woe is me story. Sorry. Another troll.


DH has a different mom and grew up LMC. Siblings grew up entirely different situation. His dad never even divorced the mom until he remarried so he wouldn’t be on the line for child support. Siblings grew up UC in multi million dollar mansion and prep school. He grew up in dicey rentals in another state but got a full ride to college and took out a loan for incidentals. His dad is loving but he certainly got the short end of the stick.

You should have said this at the beginning. It’s clear why you’re getting different treatment. It won’t change. The question is whether your husband will.

So the dad married a woman with money and she doesn’t want to spend the money ?”(gifts, travel, college, etc) on your DH because he is a stepson?
If that’s the case, then that explains things. If your husband wants to maintain relationship with his dad maybe he can travel solo to them (at least sometimes) or his dad could come visit you all. But ultimately, it’s about your husband and what he wants and what agreement you can come to together. You can’t cut off visits without his consent- or at least, you cannot cut off his visits (or the kids, if he chooses to take them).

Or the dad has money and the stepmom pushes spending only for her kids, not the stepchildren. That's the more common scenario.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2022 13:06     Subject: We are always the ones who spend money traveling to see in laws
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't believe this totally lopsided, DH never got a dime, woe is me story. Sorry. Another troll.


DH has a different mom and grew up LMC. Siblings grew up entirely different situation. His dad never even divorced the mom until he remarried so he wouldn’t be on the line for child support. Siblings grew up UC in multi million dollar mansion and prep school. He grew up in dicey rentals in another state but got a full ride to college and took out a loan for incidentals. His dad is loving but he certainly got the short end of the stick.

You should have said this at the beginning. It’s clear why you’re getting different treatment. It won’t change. The question is whether your husband will.

So the dad married a woman with money and she doesn’t want to spend the money ?”(gifts, travel, college, etc) on your DH because he is a stepson?
If that’s the case, then that explains things. If your husband wants to maintain relationship with his dad maybe he can travel solo to them (at least sometimes) or his dad could come visit you all. But ultimately, it’s about your husband and what he wants and what agreement you can come to together. You can’t cut off visits without his consent- or at least, you cannot cut off his visits (or the kids, if he chooses to take them).
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2022 13:06     Subject: Re:We are always the ones who spend money traveling to see in laws
Just tell them that with kids you need to start putting that money into college saving and can’t swing the cost of all the flights every year. Do not share with them or your siblings when you go on vacation!
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2022 13:05     Subject: We are always the ones who spend money traveling to see in laws
If I am an able bodied grandma you bet I'm going to travel to see my family as often as they will allow me, instead of expecting them to pack everyone up and spend the money to come see me.

If a grandparent is disabled in some way that's different. Also if the grandparent is poor, the kids should offer to help pay.

But no, with women working and limited vacation, I don't expect my children to pack up and visit me all the time. What about their other inlaws? Plus maybe the'd like to take a real vacation sometime.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2022 13:00     Subject: We are always the ones who spend money traveling to see in laws
Anonymous wrote:When you move away from your parents, it's your job to visit them and your obligation to pay. Whether it's your in laws or your own parents. That's the rule.

No grandma. There no “rule”. You can get off your lazy behind and travel, too.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2022 12:58     Subject: We are always the ones who spend money traveling to see in laws
Anonymous wrote:When you move away from your parents, it's your job to visit them and your obligation to pay. Whether it's your in laws or your own parents. That's the rule.


LOL no. Retired people with no kids should do the bulk of the traveling. My parents come to me as often as I ask, generally 2-3 times a year (they're cross country). My ILs come more frequently for shorter visits (they're in NYC). We go to my parents once a year, but not since 2019 due to covid, and to my ILs' generally twice a year. But really, we have what they want (grandkids) and not the other way around, so it is in their interest to make that happen. We love our parents, but we have two jobs and three kids and thus five schedules to coordinate and we're not going to make the effort all the time. In my view, the onus should generally be on the grandparents to put in the effort.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2022 12:56     Subject: We are always the ones who spend money traveling to see in laws
Anonymous wrote:When you move away from your parents, it's your job to visit them and your obligation to pay. Whether it's your in laws or your own parents. That's the rule.

The rule according to who? You?
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2022 12:56     Subject: We are always the ones who spend money traveling to see in laws
"Sorry mom and dad, with the 2.3 kids now I'm afraid we can only fly to Chatanooga once every two-to-three years, but we'd love to have you anytime!

Or just send your spouse.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2022 12:55     Subject: We are always the ones who spend money traveling to see in laws
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't believe this totally lopsided, DH never got a dime, woe is me story. Sorry. Another troll.


DH has a different mom and grew up LMC. Siblings grew up entirely different situation. His dad never even divorced the mom until he remarried so he wouldn’t be on the line for child support. Siblings grew up UC in multi million dollar mansion and prep school. He grew up in dicey rentals in another state but got a full ride to college and took out a loan for incidentals. His dad is loving but he certainly got the short end of the stick.

You should have said this at the beginning. It’s clear why you’re getting different treatment. It won’t change. The question is whether your husband will.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2022 12:54     Subject: We are always the ones who spend money traveling to see in laws
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If dad didn’t raise him, ditched his mother and didn’t pay childcare, it’s strange why your hubs feels this obligation to spend money and time on annual visits and make his wife resentful.


Maybe they were hoping to get on the gravy train but that isn't looking very likely. It's ok to just say no.


There are a lot of cruel responses on this thread.

It’s kind of interesting to see how the unfavored children are treated. At the same time that people defend the dad’s right to give his other children a lot of money and gifts, they berate the OP for even thinking that her family should be treated anywhere near equally. It’s an insight into bullying mindset and why it’s so hard to change once the dynamic is set.

It sounds like this is the FIL and stepmom they’re visiting. Subconsciously I think that your husband knows that if he stops making an effort his dad will be content to let the relationship fade. The stepmom is probably quietly waiting for this to happen. He doesn’t want to see the obvious and he’s been conditioned to accept being treated as less than his entire life. I feel for him. Coming to terms that your parent doesn’t care about you is tough.

I think it’s best to make a case for skipping a visit a year at a time. It’s less painful that way for your husband.



OP never once mentioned she even liked these people it's all about the money. What they are spending and what they aren't getting. Gross.


I like them fine. They are there and we have a cordial, surface level relationship. There isn't much to say. They aren't really interested in us or the kids and even when we do visit, there's not much quality time they spend with the kids but that's to be expected I guess if you're not used to small children being around.


Why do you keep imposing yourselves on these people? Their actions couldn't be more clear that they aren't interested in a relationship. This is a problem with an obvious solution.


Because my husband wants to have a relationship with his dad. It's also confusing because they do want us to come, I'm sure but they don't want to make the effort. We didn't come one and got a lot of guilt about it from them.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2022 12:53     Subject: We are always the ones who spend money traveling to see in laws
Anonymous wrote:You are coming across as a selfish and greedy person from this post. Are you or is this a wrong assumption?

NP. You are the one with a wrong assumption. You are way off base here. Did this strike a nerve?
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2022 12:50     Subject: We are always the ones who spend money traveling to see in laws
Anonymous wrote:

Your husband needs to USE HIS WORDS AND TALK TO HIS PARENTS ABOUT THESE ISSUES.



Well like others have pointed out he may not want to come to the realization that they won't come or make the effort if we don't.