Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see a lot of distrust in these comments. My husband has helped me set up retirement accounts and such (yes I need help with that kind of thing). But i guess I’m super naive in believing him when he says he’s devoted to me and the family for life. I get other things besides divorce can happen. But I’ve always been perplexed by the notion of going into a marriage assuming one will get divorced eventually.

I suggested the retirement account and I didn't mean it re: distrust.

I SAHed for a bit, and we didn't save anything. Now, my retirement is WAY behind because I've contributed less and now I make less and have a smaller match. Consciously and deliberately contributing is a gesture that communicates your "jobs" are equally valuable, and that is an important signal of equality in my marriage. I wish we would/could have done it, but I would advise it if feasible.

Even if you had saved while staying home, you wouldn’t have had access to a 401k. Sounds like some of these husband are really tricking their stay at home spouses into thinking they are contributing to retirement accounts. They aren’t. Good for them for saving, but they aren’t saving in retirement accounts besides maybe a small IRA

“Tricking”? See, this is the distrust I speak of.

Well PP thinks she has retirement accounts that aren’t even retirement accounts. Sounds to be like her DH was a bit misleading, no? How would you react if I told you my employer told me I was contributing to retirement accounts that ended up NOT being retirement accounts? Would you think that was honest?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see a lot of distrust in these comments. My husband has helped me set up retirement accounts and such (yes I need help with that kind of thing). But i guess I’m super naive in believing him when he says he’s devoted to me and the family for life. I get other things besides divorce can happen. But I’ve always been perplexed by the notion of going into a marriage assuming one will get divorced eventually.

I suggested the retirement account and I didn't mean it re: distrust.

I SAHed for a bit, and we didn't save anything. Now, my retirement is WAY behind because I've contributed less and now I make less and have a smaller match. Consciously and deliberately contributing is a gesture that communicates your "jobs" are equally valuable, and that is an important signal of equality in my marriage. I wish we would/could have done it, but I would advise it if feasible.

Even if you had saved while staying home, you wouldn’t have had access to a 401k. Sounds like some of these husband are really tricking their stay at home spouses into thinking they are contributing to retirement accounts. They aren’t. Good for them for saving, but they aren’t saving in retirement accounts besides maybe a small IRA

“Tricking”? See, this is the distrust I speak of.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see a lot of distrust in these comments. My husband has helped me set up retirement accounts and such (yes I need help with that kind of thing). But i guess I’m super naive in believing him when he says he’s devoted to me and the family for life. I get other things besides divorce can happen. But I’ve always been perplexed by the notion of going into a marriage assuming one will get divorced eventually.

I suggested the retirement account and I didn't mean it re: distrust.

I SAHed for a bit, and we didn't save anything. Now, my retirement is WAY behind because I've contributed less and now I make less and have a smaller match. Consciously and deliberately contributing is a gesture that communicates your "jobs" are equally valuable, and that is an important signal of equality in my marriage. I wish we would/could have done it, but I would advise it if feasible.

Even if you had saved while staying home, you wouldn’t have had access to a 401k. Sounds like some of these husband are really tricking their stay at home spouses into thinking they are contributing to retirement accounts. They aren’t. Good for them for saving, but they aren’t saving in retirement accounts besides maybe a small IRA

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see a lot of distrust in these comments. My husband has helped me set up retirement accounts and such (yes I need help with that kind of thing). But i guess I’m super naive in believing him when he says he’s devoted to me and the family for life. I get other things besides divorce can happen. But I’ve always been perplexed by the notion of going into a marriage assuming one will get divorced eventually.

I suggested the retirement account and I didn't mean it re: distrust.

I SAHed for a bit, and we didn't save anything. Now, my retirement is WAY behind because I've contributed less and now I make less and have a smaller match. Consciously and deliberately contributing is a gesture that communicates your "jobs" are equally valuable, and that is an important signal of equality in my marriage. I wish we would/could have done it, but I would advise it if feasible.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More and more fathers are taking choices of being stay at home or work from home hands on parents. Stigma of their choices is even worse but tide is turning. Sometimes, being a real man means doing a traditionally female role for your family, it takes balls to make such choice.

In all this talk of "making a choice", let's all acknowledge a big difference between a choice that's fully in your hand and a choice that someone else has to approve.

Anonymous wrote:I see a lot of distrust in these comments. My husband has helped me set up retirement accounts and such (yes I need help with that kind of thing). But i guess I’m super naive in believing him when he says he’s devoted to me and the family for life. I get other things besides divorce can happen. But I’ve always been perplexed by the notion of going into a marriage assuming one will get divorced eventually.

Anonymous wrote:I see a lot of distrust in these comments. My husband has helped me set up retirement accounts and such (yes I need help with that kind of thing). But i guess I’m super naive in believing him when he says he’s devoted to me and the family for life. I get other things besides divorce can happen. But I’ve always been perplexed by the notion of going into a marriage assuming one will get divorced eventually.

Anonymous wrote:More and more fathers are taking choices of being stay at home or work from home hands on parents. Stigma of their choices is even worse but tide is turning. Sometimes, being a real man means doing a traditionally female role for your family, it takes balls to make such choice.

Anonymous wrote:This seems unwise for most women. If you drop out of the workforce in your 30s, you’re likely giving up millions of dollars, even if you don’t earn a high salary. The average woman can easily live until 80 or older. Why quit working and earning money in one’s 30s? That doesn’t make sense.

My own mother was a SAHM and very smug about it. My dad earned a good salary and they never divorced. But she’s less and now because it’s obvious they would have a lot more money if she’d had a job.

Not to mention kids eventually grow up. I would only be a SAHM if my husband earned enough that I could have extensive hobbies and travel a lot on his income while still saving.

It’s incredibly easy to have a job and earn an income. Literally anyone can do it. To choose to earn $0 isn’t a good decision for most women.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, change the way you speak about yourself! You are valuable. You are important. What you do everyday matters. There is nothing more important than being available for your children. They need you more as teens than they did as young children. And, they’ll need you as adults. I just returned from helping my oldest and my DIL. I spent two weeks with them after she had a complicated delivery. I’m so grateful I was able to care for their three year old and help with the newborn while she recovered.

Being a SAHM/SAHW is rewarding and important work. Managing a home takes time. I’ve worked outside the home and I still work part time. I have no issues with women who choose to work. But, you should NEVER feel less than for staying at home.

How many hours a week do you work and what do you do?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PS it may seem weird to bring up a post-nup, but the time to do it is when marriage is good and you've made a permanent decision like this. You're simply formalizing what you already have agreed to verbally, and it protects all involved.

You should also have a professional review your and your DH's disability and life insurance coverage. Those are super important in a single income household. You won't be able to get disability insurance but your DH needs all you can afford. You both need life insurance that will carry you until your retirement amounts are large enough to live the rest of your life on even if something happened to one of you.

Congrats on figuring out what works for you. I agree with this advice. If you haven't already, you want to be sure to understand the financial implications of your position. Especially given your disability and your ability work if in the future, you want to make sure that you will have the financial resources to take care of yourself and your children if for some reason your DH was no longer in the picture. There are so many sad stories about women who were in a similar position to yourself, and the catastrophic consequences of not being prepared when their DH was unexpectedly no longer able to financially provide for them. Obviously this advice is unnecessary if you have independent wealth.

Anonymous wrote:PS it may seem weird to bring up a post-nup, but the time to do it is when marriage is good and you've made a permanent decision like this. You're simply formalizing what you already have agreed to verbally, and it protects all involved.

You should also have a professional review your and your DH's disability and life insurance coverage. Those are super important in a single income household. You won't be able to get disability insurance but your DH needs all you can afford. You both need life insurance that will carry you until your retirement amounts are large enough to live the rest of your life on even if something happened to one of you.