Anonymous
Post 01/24/2022 17:49     Subject: Re:Letting go of making sure they die in the safest way
I mean yes, lots of people say they will go out doing something active. But you’re not in control as much as you’d think. It pains me so much to see my MIL repeatedly tell my husband that she’d rather die than have someone help her with bathing or dressing, or go to AL. Sure, she’d rather die, but guess what — her children aren’t allowed to just kill her. What you’d “rather” really isn’t relevant unless you actually plan to take your own life while still of sound body and mind.
Anonymous
Post 01/24/2022 16:59     Subject: Letting go of making sure they die in the safest way
Anonymous wrote:It seems like a lot of old guys are hoping to ski or hike until they die of Dutch Elm Disease, and at a certain point the way you can love a person is to respect their choices made of sound mind. With my FIL I guess some day he won't come back from his hike and we'll have to send someone with an ATV after him, and that will be that.


This is me, except female. I will probably die falling off my horse when I’m in my 80s. Or scuba diving with sharks, or God knows what.

I am just a tough old broad, and I am proud of that mental toughness. Hell, I was slinging hay bales for a week after I broke my arm badly, before I could get in for surgery. I could feel the bones grinding together but darn it, I was not going to let anyone help me.

There’s nothing wrong with it, even if you have a different perspective on risk/reward.

Anonymous
Post 01/24/2022 16:45     Subject: Letting go of making sure they die in the safest way
It seems like a lot of old guys are hoping to ski or hike until they die of Dutch Elm Disease, and at a certain point the way you can love a person is to respect their choices made of sound mind. With my FIL I guess some day he won't come back from his hike and we'll have to send someone with an ATV after him, and that will be that.
Anonymous
Post 01/24/2022 14:00     Subject: Letting go of making sure they die in the safest way
Anonymous wrote:NP. Really common, and much more horrible than people who haven't been through it can imagine.

I drew the line at my mother putting other people at risk of losing their lives, given that they hadn't agreed to this. Fir me, that's when you are in an apartment building or other connected space, and you are habitually causing fire risks by leaving the burners on, or smoking cigarettes at the same time you are on supplemental oxygen and falling asleep with the tank just a foot or two away.

I loved her. I tried to be there and not change her, since she wasn't going to change. But I got rid of the cigarettes and kept getting rid of them, and I had the gas shut off to the apartment. It was the best I could do.

My big shame is that her death brought this intense waive of relief -- whatever I had done wrong or decided poorly, there were now no mistakes left to make. It was over. And I wasn't glad she was dead, but I was so incredibly glad that I couldn't get more wrong anymore.


I think this taboo topic is more common than we think. Only here will I admit when my mother passes I will be relieved. No more emergencies. No more rants and tantrums. No more worrying about caregivers abusing or stealing or being abused by mom. No more family members who don't get it jumping in with suggestions and commands. No more wondering if I will walk into a gruesome scene where a caregiver didn't show and mom fell down the steps she should not use anymore. No more wondering when this will end so I can give my all to my kids and husband. No more abuse, guilt, manipulation, gaslighting and nightmares.
Anonymous
Post 01/24/2022 09:14     Subject: Letting go of making sure they die in the safest way
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sometimes you do have to let them make their own decisions. It's not like nursing homes are 100% safe either-- COVID certainly opened my eyes to that.

My neighbor's father died downhill skiing at the age of 88. They all begged him to give up skiing and he wouldn't. He enjoyed life very much until one day he took a hard fall and that was that, he was gone before they had him off the mountain.


Wow. That’s kind of a great way to go really. Good for him!


yeah, my plan is to live more and more dangerously. skiing and motorcycle racing sound great. a mistake in judgement might kill me? awesome.


Sounds like it’s not for you then. Live however you want. That the whole point.
Anonymous
Post 01/24/2022 08:45     Subject: Letting go of making sure they die in the safest way
^^For me
Anonymous
Post 01/24/2022 08:44     Subject: Letting go of making sure they die in the safest way
NP. Really common, and much more horrible than people who haven't been through it can imagine.

I drew the line at my mother putting other people at risk of losing their lives, given that they hadn't agreed to this. Fir me, that's when you are in an apartment building or other connected space, and you are habitually causing fire risks by leaving the burners on, or smoking cigarettes at the same time you are on supplemental oxygen and falling asleep with the tank just a foot or two away.

I loved her. I tried to be there and not change her, since she wasn't going to change. But I got rid of the cigarettes and kept getting rid of them, and I had the gas shut off to the apartment. It was the best I could do.

My big shame is that her death brought this intense waive of relief -- whatever I had done wrong or decided poorly, there were now no mistakes left to make. It was over. And I wasn't glad she was dead, but I was so incredibly glad that I couldn't get more wrong anymore.
Anonymous
Post 01/24/2022 08:22     Subject: Letting go of making sure they die in the safest way
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

Call me selfish, or pragmatic, but this hasn't bothered me too much.




If you're okay with sharing, why?


DP, but I can explain why I'd make the same comment. If you want my help, it's on my terms. If you want to make your own decisions (and those come at my expense), then you're on your own. If you die a horrible death, that was your choice. I feel zero guilt about this and do not feel the need to intervene. Nor does it bother me if family members guilt trip me - my response is, "you're welcome to do whatever it is you're asking of me." And that is the end of the conversation, every single time.


Not the person you are responding to, but I find this helpful. To some degree I have needed to think this way, and the guilt has decreased, but I still struggle even though my mother is too often verbally abusive nut.
Anonymous
Post 01/24/2022 08:11     Subject: Letting go of making sure they die in the safest way
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sometimes you do have to let them make their own decisions. It's not like nursing homes are 100% safe either-- COVID certainly opened my eyes to that.

My neighbor's father died downhill skiing at the age of 88. They all begged him to give up skiing and he wouldn't. He enjoyed life very much until one day he took a hard fall and that was that, he was gone before they had him off the mountain.


Wow. That’s kind of a great way to go really. Good for him!


yeah, my plan is to live more and more dangerously. skiing and motorcycle racing sound great. a mistake in judgement might kill me? awesome.


My cousin and his wife always joke that in their 80s they are going to try heroin and cocaine because really, at that point, what do you have to lose? Dying on a ski mountain at 88 would pretty much be my ideal way to die.


My dad is now in his late ‘70’s. For years he has joked about taking a walk on the AT in winter without gear when he gets to be 85.
Anonymous
Post 01/23/2022 22:40     Subject: Letting go of making sure they die in the safest way
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

Call me selfish, or pragmatic, but this hasn't bothered me too much.




If you're okay with sharing, why?


DP, but I can explain why I'd make the same comment. If you want my help, it's on my terms. If you want to make your own decisions (and those come at my expense), then you're on your own. If you die a horrible death, that was your choice. I feel zero guilt about this and do not feel the need to intervene. Nor does it bother me if family members guilt trip me - my response is, "you're welcome to do whatever it is you're asking of me." And that is the end of the conversation, every single time.
Anonymous
Post 01/21/2022 21:38     Subject: Letting go of making sure they die in the safest way
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sometimes you do have to let them make their own decisions. It's not like nursing homes are 100% safe either-- COVID certainly opened my eyes to that.

My neighbor's father died downhill skiing at the age of 88. They all begged him to give up skiing and he wouldn't. He enjoyed life very much until one day he took a hard fall and that was that, he was gone before they had him off the mountain.


Wow. That’s kind of a great way to go really. Good for him!


yeah, my plan is to live more and more dangerously. skiing and motorcycle racing sound great. a mistake in judgement might kill me? awesome.


My cousin and his wife always joke that in their 80s they are going to try heroin and cocaine because really, at that point, what do you have to lose? Dying on a ski mountain at 88 would pretty much be my ideal way to die.
Anonymous
Post 01/21/2022 13:17     Subject: Letting go of making sure they die in the safest way
Anonymous wrote:

Call me selfish, or pragmatic, but this hasn't bothered me too much.




If you're okay with sharing, why?
Anonymous
Post 01/21/2022 09:15     Subject: Re:Letting go of making sure they die in the safest way
Anonymous wrote:Yes OP - one thousand times YES.

My teenagers and I were living with my elderly mother, and while she said she wanted and needed my help, she refused to take care of herself and constantly put herself in harms way. She drank 2-3 glasses of wine a night against doctor's orders b/c of meds, literally climbed ladders to fix things, refused to use her cane, refused to wear a mask. refused her medication. I was POA and she was showing signs of dementia, was a fall risk (fell several tines resulting in broken bones, but would deny falling), and refused to accept any boundaries I tried to set for me or my teenagers. It was the worst period of my adult life and I very nearly had a nervous breakdown. She agreed to move into AL (she could well afford it), I helped her find a lovely place she liked,. But within the first month she stopped speaking to me and demonized me for "putting her away."


Long story short, she cut off all communication with us, and convinced many of our extended family that we were out to get her. Her efforts worked - many of our family has cut contact with us. But now my kids and I are much happier and healthier living on our own, doing lots of therapy, and frankly not worrying about my mother any longer.

She decided to stay in the AL home. We moved to a new place in a neighborhood better suited to our needs and lifestyle. And I'm so glad not to be responsible for her care and wellbeing. It was a thankless, horrible job.

So yeah, I should've done what's best for me and my kids years ago.


Fellow unappreciated daughter here. I have found there is freedom in my mom trashing me to all her family and friends after I bent over backwards for her for so many years and was miserable and having health issues.It helped strangle the people-pleaser in me and it made me realize nothing I did would be enough so I might as well do much less.

I honestly at this point wish she would cut me off and stop taking to me because then I could happily follow her wishes. When her behavior was really awful at one point I announced to her I would be taking a break from her for a week because I could not take the yelling and insults and I needed to focus more on my family I created. She said "How about a month?!" in rage as though it was a punishment. I gleefully said "sure." In that month so many aches and pains vanished. I actually slept better and woke in the morning with a sense of hope. She tried to reach out to me before the month was over as though she was doing me a favor, and I informed her we had 2 more weeks.

I fully expect mom to accuse me of stealing in the future and to lash out physically at me because that is what grandma eventually did with my aunt, while my mom did little and was the Golden Child. At that point I will step away completely.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2022 16:46     Subject: Letting go of making sure they die in the safest way
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sometimes you do have to let them make their own decisions. It's not like nursing homes are 100% safe either-- COVID certainly opened my eyes to that.

My neighbor's father died downhill skiing at the age of 88. They all begged him to give up skiing and he wouldn't. He enjoyed life very much until one day he took a hard fall and that was that, he was gone before they had him off the mountain.


Wow. That’s kind of a great way to go really. Good for him!


yeah, my plan is to live more and more dangerously. skiing and motorcycle racing sound great. a mistake in judgement might kill me? awesome.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2022 16:43     Subject: Re:Letting go of making sure they die in the safest way
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:PP here with “well I’ll just go to sleep dad.” — Hypothermia.


No offense, pp, but your dad would not die of hypothermia in his bed from one night without power in this area. He has clothes and blankets. He’d be fine.

The elderly cannot temperature regulate like healthy adults. Good chance even in one night, he could have died of hypothermia.


The elderly are not reptiles. They won't die in a 50 degree house.


Something similar happened to my mother last week. She had her thermostat set at 61 degrees. She fell out of bed and decided to just go to sleep there. By the time she was found (who know how many hours later), her body temperature was down to 94.7.